by Anon, UK
I have come to realise over the past few years the hardness I carry in my body as a protection; I would say I learnt this as a little girl when my tenderness, light, and delicateness was abused, not in a sexual way, but simply the reflection of the world, my home, the education system telling me it wasn’t safe or okay to show this and live like this. I grew up learning to harden and be tough, to do everything by myself; showing I don’t need any support as a way to get through the world. This is the complete opposite of everything I now feel and know myself to be.
By no means have I let all my hardness and protection go; I still carry hardness and protection, not like I used to, but I can still feel it, in my face, my jaw, my body, when I open my eyes to go out into the world I harden, when I anticipate feeling things I don’t want to feel, like the state other people are in and how they feel about me. But the thing is this hardness doesn’t protect me, it makes me ill.
For one it makes me exhausted, my muscles tight and tense, my jaw sore. It keeps people at bay, as I don’t let them in fully, which means I don’t let all their love in and I don’t let all my love out. It stops me from feeling everything I feel, and I know now that is what will truly support me, letting myself just feel all that I feel. Continue reading “How hardness can play out in a woman’s body and affect her health”