How hardness can play out in a woman’s body and affect her health

by Anon, UK

I have come to realise over the past few years the hardness I carry in my body as a protection; I would say I learnt this as a little girl when my tenderness, light, and delicateness was abused, not in a sexual way, but simply the reflection of the world, my home, the education system telling me it wasn’t safe or okay to show this and live like this. I grew up learning to harden and be tough, to do everything by myself; showing I don’t need any support as a way to get through the world. This is the complete opposite of everything I now feel and know myself to be.

By no means have I let all my hardness and protection go; I still carry hardness and protection, not like I used to, but I can still feel it, in my face, my jaw, my body, when I open my eyes to go out into the world I harden, when I anticipate feeling things I don’t want to feel, like the state other people are in and how they feel about me. But the thing is this hardness doesn’t protect me, it makes me ill.

For one it makes me exhausted, my muscles tight and tense, my jaw sore. It keeps people at bay, as I don’t let them in fully, which means I don’t let all their love in and I don’t let all my love out. It stops me from feeling everything I feel, and I know now that is what will truly support me, letting myself just feel all that I feel.

I used to use hardness to prove I was as tough as any man, I don’t mean by fighting or shouting etc., I still look very feminine, but there’s a hardness in my body, my face, you know when you look at some women you can feel it in their face, their jaw, maybe how they move. I used to try and out-do guys in the gym, lift heavy weights, or prove I could do full press ups or could keep up or do the same as them in a fitness class.

I used hardness to say things didn’t hurt me, when the truth is I am super sensitive and there are many things that have hurt me in this life. I used hardness to not feel the abuse of others, of myself, there are many instances I have used hardness in my life, all to not feel the delicate, tender and precious woman I am. And to not feel how much I feel energy, and I mean I feel everything energetically.

There are many ways that this has played out physically in my body, from issues with my periods stopping many years ago, that was me being in too much male energy, and motion all the time, go, go, go. To recently having extra bleeding in between periods. Knowing what I know now and how I live now, I made the choice to look at it from an Esoteric Medicine perspective, at how I had been living. This was my body clearing more that I had taken on, I had to look at what and where I had taken on extra stuff that my body now needed to clear, and that was in reaction to someone. But I also, lovingly and responsibly so, went to the doctor and got support from Western Medicine, a perfect marriage of both if you ask me, to support myself and my body.

I was referred to get internal scans of my ovaries and womb, which turned out to be on the birthday of someone very close to me who had died, so I was extremely vulnerable and fragile that day, in a very tender place. Not to mention it’s an invasive procedure, but one that I know was much needed and would support me.

What transpired was an opportunity to not be hard. As I lay on the table it turns out the person carrying out my scans was the same woman who had done similar scans on my ovaries and womb a few years ago when my periods stopped. We chatted and I felt at ease, I started to cry and apologise, I shared about how I was feeling, that it would have been the birthday of the person who died, what happened to them, and that I was struggling that day. I apologised to the nurse who was helping as I was a bit short with her, but purely from a place of trying to hold it together, and I said I’m sorry I just have all this going on, and I find it really hard today, sharing I’d cried most of the way there, sat in the car and cried. Both women were amazing, they were understanding, there was nothing being hidden in that room. There is something very freeing about being open and honest, being vulnerable and raw. I was treated with respect and care, the lights were dimmed and we talked through what was going on and what was found.

There were fibroids on the wall of my womb.

I was told fibroids are growths that can develop in or around the womb area, they are made from muscle and fibrous tissue, that there was nothing serious, as in it was not cancerous, but that I would be referred to gynaecology to get them seen to. This was great to know, but also I knew there was more to it than it ‘just happens’ to some women. So again I went to Esoteric Medicine for the missing part, the part I had to look at from inside, as in how had I been and am I living my life. I sought support from an Esoteric practitioner to confirm my feelings, and here it was shared and brought to my awareness that it was about my hardness. Which makes sense to me as these fibroids, as shared by my doctor and nurse, are hard lumps made up of muscle and tissue.

For me now, it’s about waiting to have a gynaecology appointment, then seeing with the doctor what the best operation is to have. It’s a bit scary, as none of them sound or feel very pleasant but I know it is absolutely essential for my health and that it’s self-loving to go through with this. I also need to look at how I have been living and still live, not beating myself up for it, but seeing the part I have played in my ill health, and making different self-loving and nurturing choices, to release the hardness I carry in my body. To look at how I treat myself as a woman, to let the hardness go, knowing now I don’t need to do it all by myself, and learning to value myself, to feel my absolute worth in gold, and live it, to allow and live my delicateness, tenderness, and preciousness as a woman.

 

Read more:

  1. Goodbye hardness, hello spaciousness.
  2. Menstruation and menstrual cycles – more than just inconvenient bleeding? 

21 thoughts on “How hardness can play out in a woman’s body and affect her health

  1. This is going to sound super weird but when I was reading your blog, the outside of my left breast began to get very itchy, in fact is still crazy itchy now, hahah.
    There are two ways you can look at this, the breast being all of a sudden extremely itchy has nothing to do with anything and is a coincidence, which is fair and conveniently this approach leaves everything in this life to have zero meaning and is all completely out of our control, we are just random tumble weeds getting tossed around?
    Or, way number two, admit that the body has a ultimate intelligence that can pick up things before our brains even have time to process them, and that my itchy breast is my body’s way of releasing and clearing my own hardness after being inspired to do so through your words.
    The left side of the body to me is the representation of the female and the breasts clearly are our nurturing centres but why itch? Well, you know when a sore or cut on your body is healing it gets really itchy before it gets better and your Mum always said, it’s a good thing, that means its healing, well I know reading this blog was a good thing for me, and all women that have struggled with hardening, so thank you 🙏

  2. Feeling vulnerable and expressing it, is not a mistake we shoukd avoid, but a state we can live in and share with others. It’s amazing how close we truly are with each other in that sensitivity and how supported we can be when we need it.

  3. Part of the healing has already been done with the honest reflection and acknowledgement of the precious, delicate and sacred being you are. It is so easy to give ourselves a hard time and double the impact of what the world is already delivering in force. Thank you so much for sharing and reflecting how each of us can stop the process of harm and begin the return to what we know deep down is true.

  4. I can so relate to what you are sharing anon
    “By no means have I let all my hardness and protection go; I still carry hardness and protection, not like I used to, but I can still feel it, in my face, my jaw, my body, when I open my eyes to go out into the world I harden, when I anticipate feeling things I don’t want to feel, like the state other people are in and how they feel about me. But the thing is this hardness doesn’t protect me, it makes me ill.”
    I can also feel the tightness is my jaw especially when I wake up in the morning and how I tense my body when I do not want to feel all that is there to feel and let it go. I tense my body while I’m talking to customers on the phone I can feel myself do this, At least now I am aware I’m doing this and I understand it’s a very old reaction that I don’t need to hang onto any more, that bracing myself against the world does take a toll on my body because it is running in constant nervous energy which is as you say doesn’t protect us at all but leaves us exhausted. So it make sense to me that we drink so much coffee as a stimulant to keep us all going, I wonder what would happen if we ran out of it?

  5. I agree with you Anon that there is something very freeing within us all when we can share honestly what is going on for us without any judgement or feeling of condemnation coming from the other person or people. To be heard and valued for just being who we are is what is so missing in the world.

  6. Like sub titles to a foreign language film there is an energetic aspect to life which if we acknowledge helps us see and understand all that takes place. Live life ignoring it and we will be bamboozled and continually confused. Yet all the time this narrative has always been there waiting for us to access it.

  7. Understanding our bodies and the True ❤️relationship that we can develop is super important for us to heal in Truth and not be open to every ill that comes our way.

  8. In a way it’s fascinating because until it’s pointed out to us that we carry this hardness in most cases we are not aware it’s there because the hardness has become such a part of who we are. Like you Anon I’m still learning not to brace myself against the world but to just allow the world to be what it is without trying to change anything, as unpleasant as it all is, the only part I can change is me.

  9. ” I started to cry and apologise”, interesting isn’t it how both men and women instinctively apologise for crying and yet we’re not nearly so quick or ready to apologise for being angry, irritated or even abusive. And why do we even feel a need to apologise for crying? What is it about being upset that we’re not comfortable with? I wonder if it’s because we can all tolerate people being angry better than we can handle people getting upset. I’m wondering out loud here if it’s because most of us are carrying varying degrees of hardness and when another person becomes upset it asks us to drop some of our own hardness and for most of us that’s pretty confronting.

  10. “I don’t let all their love in and I don’t let all my love out”, yep Anon that’s how it works because love is a two way valve and so if it’s not free to flow in then equally it’s not free to flow out which demonstrates how untrue it is for so many of us to think that we’re great at loving others but not so good at allowing others to love us.

  11. Thank you anon for bringing this topic out in the open to be discussed because I’m sure many men and women can relate to what you are sharing as we live in a world that does not allow us to show just how sensitive we are which actually is a very natural part of who we are. Instead through the way we are raised and educated it is crushed and because of this we do not blossom into life and reach our full potential.

    1. Mary when I read the word ‘blossom’ I could feel it very deeply inside my body. Blossom is something that mesmerised me as a child and still as an adult it captivates me. Blossom, especially when it has just bloomed is such a powerful reflection of our innate delicate and oh so precious nature, I adore it.

  12. It’s all so logical and one day it will also be ‘normal’ – that the wonders of conventional medicine take care of the physical body and the depth and wisdom of Esoteric medicine of the root cause of our ills and afflictions. The perfect marriage indeed.

    1. I can relate to what you are sharing Gabriele because I have experience of both Western Medicine and Esoteric Medicine and I can say from this experience that combining the two modalities does work and healing can actually take place not just from a topical point of view but from deep within our bodies.

  13. Very relatable article Anon. What strikes me most is how you were able to share what was going on for you when you were having the tests. That is the real wall coming down, the inner fortress, and brings such a depth of tender honesty it melts everyone’s hearts. Thank you for showing us how simple it is to dissolve the blockades we have built to protect us from the world that keep out the key qualities we are all looking for – Love, Understanding, Compassion, Truth.

    1. When we take the bricks down from around our hearts and simply just stand there stripped back and bare this is the most that we can ever do to encourage others to do the same and I herald the day that the whole of humanity has demolished the protection that we’ve built up around our hearts so that we can all stand together in our exposed and original nature, stripped back and bare.

  14. Dear Anon, it feels like I know you very well although I don’t. We women have gone the route of hardness which is completely against who we are fundamentally. This hasn’t happened over night, this has been a conscious choice we have made life after life after life, each life consolidating the previous life’s abuse so we end up in this era with a new choice to make : at last realising that these choices don’t serve us or humanity. It is a moment in our history when we women can show the world how delicate, precious, vulnerable and tender we are and this is not only OK and safe but it is super honouring of the divine being that we are.

  15. You have taken a great and gentle step in letting go of hardness by openly showing your vulnerability while having a scan. Appreciating the strength in delicacy and vulnerability offers us a way to drop the hardness.

  16. Anon, I can very much related to a lot of what you have written here – and thank you for reminding me to value and carry with me my sensitivity out into the world today. It’s very easy to go into protection but with 99% of the world is walking around in protection, wanting to armour themselves against getting hurt in some way, it makes me wonder how much of the world’s problems and illness and disease could be drastically lessened if we learnt to value and appreciate ourselves and each other for what’s on the inside before anything else.

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