I have grown up on the belief that having enough hours of sleep gives you the energy to get through the next day and if you don’t get enough sleep, you’ll be tired and struggle to get through the day.
But I have recently discovered this is not the whole truth.
I have had trouble sleeping for about 6 or 7 months now, a culmination of things such as bullying at work, the stress of that, the lack of support felt in a work situation, a death in the family, relationship issues, moving to a new house, a culmination of things I have allowed to unsettle me through the day, whether that be reacting to people or situations or stimulating myself with worry, sugar and anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong, on a human level there has been a huge amount to deal with at once. People say moving house is one of the most stressful things to do in life, add to this death, work, and relationship issues – it is a lot to deal with by oneself. I need to learn to appreciate just how incredibly I do deal with life, not perfectly, but take a step back and see wow, what I bring to all these situations and dealing with them all at the same time. To feel that strength in me, that part that actually finds it is a breeze, I can deal with it all, it doesn’t rock me. In my core there is a solidness with it. But also to remember to not be hard on myself, give myself a break so to speak and time to feel that part, the solid, steady part, that actually I can deal with this all very easily, and simply, and not focus on the part that wants to stimulate me, complicate things, knock me down and create drama.
I have sought support from Western medicine for my lack of sleep and disturbed sleep, for I know just pushing through is not the answer nor is ignoring the issue in the hope that it will go away, it is not self-loving. So when needed I have used the support of sleeping tablets from the doctor to give me a full night’s sleep, undisturbed, as I know for myself the mixture of lack of sleep and exhaustion is not a good combination for me as I get caught in a cycle of not sleeping, getting more tired, with the exhaustion, then I react more which would make me more tired, more unsettled during the day and hence not sleep well again at night, and round the cycle would continue.
Through my understanding of Esoteric Medicine as presented by Serge Benhayon, I now know it is this unsettlement during the day that leaves me restless at night.
I have definitely not mastered this unsettlement yet. It is a process I am learning to come out of through how I live during my day, my focus being working on not reacting to people or situations, without perfection. It might mean removing myself from a situation if I need to, not answering that email or text straight away if I am in reaction, and learning to not need people to be a certain way, for when I do, I react to how they are being if it is not what I need them to be or if it is not who they really are and that reaction poisons my body. I take on their stuff, their issues and convince myself I have no idea why they are choosing to behave the way they are, as I have not stopped to read what is going on behind the superficial appearances. But it is also super imposing, not respecting a person’s choice or giving them space. If you think about it, God doesn’t give us a hard time for not living the absolute amazing beings, the gods, He knows us to be, He gives us space, holds us in absolute love no matter what we choose. That is the ultimate form of love for me.
I also find the modality of Esoteric Yoga very supportive in the evening to help me and my body settle deeply before bed. I have researched vitamins and minerals and take ones which I feel support me and my body to have a better sleep. I have never been one for doing lots before bedtime, such as watching TV etc, I like the night-time to unwind, and prefer to read a book before bed. I have found particular ones by Serge Benhayon really support my body to settle, and go into repose, when I read them, it’s almost like I can feel the day drop away. And having my bedroom set up in a way that allows me to let go of the day; it may be the colours of my covers, how the furniture and ornaments are positioned, lighting candles and keeping the space tidy and clear; it’s my safe space.
For me, it is also about settling with everything I am aware of energetically, all that I feel, and being cool with that, being settled with the fact I feel way more than meets the eye, I feel the energy of what’s really going on in a person’s words or movements and reading all that I see and know from life. Sometimes I still harden with this or get a bit anxious almost like I am holding my breath.
Coming back to the real reason for writing this blog, the very amazing experience I had recently after a simple session with an Esoteric Practitioner. We didn’t go into lots of detail, I was asked a few simple questions as a new client, about my health etc and what was very interesting, there was no room for me to answer more than a simple answer, no room for going into stories, which I didn’t realise how much I did until I was asked to answer these simple short health questionnaire type of questions. It was absolutely great to feel and see, and also more insight later on in the week of the complication I bring to things. I am sure this most definitely doesn’t help with sleep.
From this initial very simple session, there were lots of great revelations, but the main focus for this, was my homework, which was, without perfection, to not make life about myself anymore, to make it about people, so to not focus on me anymore, but focus on what I bring to every situation I am in.
This session was early morning for me, so that day I applied my homework.
The result, not that I was looking for a result, nor am I doing it for results, or to better manage my life; I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work as it leaves an emptiness, a niggling feeling of knowing there is more, this isn’t it. I chose to do it because I know there is another way to live, a way much more for all, that I can offer the world by getting myself out of the way, so I did.
And as I say, the results, were amazing.
I was blown away by the incredible amount of energy I had. Normally if I have only two hours sleep, I would have been saying oh I’m so tired, I need to go back to bed, believing I couldn’t go about my day and do all that I need to do because I was so tired from lack of sleep. But that was not the case.
As I went about my day, making it about people, my energy levels soared, I didn’t go back to bed or even have to go to bed early that night. I didn’t lie about or mope around the house saying I am so tired with my body dragging behind me, feeling sorry for myself. I had a spring in my step all day. I washed, cooked, cleaned, did the garden, spent time with kids, planted plants, chipped some wood, wrote, exercised and so much more, I was blown away by the energy I had all day.
I can clearly feel from my body, and my lived experience that when I make my life about people and not about myself, not in a martyr way, but a genuine: Okay what can I offer in this situation? What’s called for? It may be emptying the bins, making someone a cup of coffee, or it could be not physically doing something, or even saying something verbally, it may be reading the situation instead of reacting and ultimately I feel it is about bringing more love or understanding to a situation. For example, my mum may make a comment about me being on my phone, I could react to it, or I could simply read the situation and actually feel she is looking for connection, put my phone down, and simply say, ‘hey are you okay mum’, and let the conversation or whatever needs to unfold from there unfold.
All of this gave me way more energy than I could ever imagine. It still blows me away, how much energy is given when we make life about people.
I know now this is true from my body and have been experimenting all week, seeing when I make things about myself, my needs, I get tired, more heavy, less energy, yet when I make life about people, not what I need or want from them, genuinely about: Okay what is being called for here? What can I bring to this moment now making it about people? then energy is literally given to me, I feel lighter in my body, there’s a spring in my step, a joy, I feel clearer in my head, and I physically have way more energy to do what is required of me.
I am also realising through applying this to my life, my every day, my movements, that there is a fine line between doing – as in doing things for others such as physical activities like washing, doing dishes etc, cleaning up and doing what is required and being called for. I feel this is where we can slip into being a martyr, resentment, look at me, recognition, or making it about my needs. I feel there is a very fine line here, that crosses into ‘being the good one’ you know where people make their life about everyone else, get run down, tired, don’t take care of themselves, and where they basically put the needs of all others before themselves which is actually a detriment to everyone’s health and wellbeing and doesn’t truly support anyone. Many mothers, and indeed lots of people, live that way, in the misbelief that it is a ‘good’ way to live – when in fact it is exhausting and harming as the body and the being are not being truly cared for.
I am learning that it may not always be a physical act of doing that is called for, it could be giving my house mate more space. Not to push a situation or need an answer, that would be coming from my need, but to read the situation and feel where a person is at, or what a situation is calling for, and respond to that. Not react.
Over the past few days, I have gradually stopped taking medication to help me sleep. I feel fuller throughout the day and fuller in the evening when I go to bed. But if I need to take it again I will. My sleep is still restless, but I am falling asleep for the whole evening. Also, through some of the awareness and revelations I have been having over the past week or so, I am questioning if I have created worry, a stimulation, around not being able to sleep as a narrative that sets me up during the day to be more unsettled therefore playing out in the evening with a restless sleep. It’s great to question these things and ourselves.
So, the truth is, how much energy we have throughout the day, is not based on how many hours sleep we have. We are given energy when we make life about people.
It is a combination of both Western and Esoteric Medicine that is supporting me to address my sleeping issue, a partnership of medication to support, and Esoteric Medicine and Esoteric Healing Modalities to help me get to the root cause. It is this marriage of both, that I have found truly supports me to heal when I apply it to my life.
So, if someone says to me, they are tired now, I will never reply with the throw away comment ‘oh have you not had enough sleep’.