By Roberta Himing, Student of Life, Gold Coast, Australia.  

From the title “Knee-capped” one would perhaps think I am speaking of a past era just prior to my birth – perhaps of the time of “Prohibition”, the fabled Elliot Ness and the street gangs of Chicago, where sporadically a form of malicious wounding/torture occasioned to the knees was meted out as a punishment to prevent the assailed from easily moving forward. However, this is not the case. It appears it may be more to do with a karmic story and the deepening awareness around my ‘new knee’ experience. 

Was I in fact being brought to my knees?

In the 3rd month of 2018 an excruciating and locking pain saw me with X-rays under my arm visiting an orthopaedic surgeon who showed me a model of how a regular and healthy knee would appear.  He marvelled at the fact that I was still able to walk after viewing the X-ray I presented to him.  Shockingly (to me) I found I was advised to have a knee-replacement surgery.  How could this be? I had not been a rugby player or sportsperson of any ilk, though I had worked in a male energy during my adult life, choosing to shut down, toughen up and be hard, rather than staying open, delicate and vulnerable.  This male-style energy saw me behaving in an independent or stubborn fashion when a heavy lifting, pushing/pulling or digging job was to be carried out and there was no one else present to offer support, I would expect/demand that my body obey the desire and determination of my will. On reflection not very self-loving at all and certainly not connected to the innate preciousness and sacredness of being a woman.

May Day! May Day! May Day!    May 1st – surgery day fast approaching.

In those few weeks while waiting for the day of the operationmy anxiety levels rose to extreme.  My recollections saw the projected fear of the pain that I would possibly experience as a result of large metal and finely honed screws being inserted into the ends of the femur and the tibia, the bones on either side of the knee joint, and a metal plate, rotating pieces etc. replacing once healthy cartilage that had now worn away, plus a plastic type button inserted behind the patella of my left leg.   My body shook at the thought of this forthcoming pain and my developing awareness saw me hating the fact that I had perhaps at some level been complicit in creating the platform for this pain through past ideals, behaviours, beliefs and choices. 

I found I was in fear of the prospect of what would very likely be my experience post-surgery in now less than a week away.  There is to be expected a level of on-going pain to remind me that there may be a deeper reason that the knee has exhibited a level of discomfort as a result of osteo-arthritis, wear and damage.

As the day of the surgery approached, more and more levels of awareness that had been buried came to the surface.

I realised that far from this coming out of the blue, this knee had experienced trauma on at least three distinct occasions, once as my body ungracefully slid down Echidna Chasm, Halls Creek in the Kimberley with left leg contorted in a position that a Russian Ballet dancer would envy; the incident of the cartilage snapping as we were about to scale an icy glacier in New Zealand and another as a result of the ascent and descent of the monolith known as Uluru, the descent resulting in painful tension on the knee joint.

 Am I to witness my own self being ‘knee-capped’ – rendered unable to step up or move forward in any manner befitting a Son of God, or indeed is there a choice for me to explore more deeply within, even unto the energetic understanding behind the evidence of arthritis exhibited in some parts of the body? Could it be that this amazing body has been speaking loudly to me for many years and I had chosen to forget how to listen to the nuances in the treasury of messages, chosen to forget that each organ within the body speaks loudly and clearly?

For example, had I dulled my awareness deliberately to the point of arrogantly ignoring the sense of knowing or hearing the song of the Liver?  Is it possible that the organ known as the liver has a vibration of harmony throughout? If there be not harmonywhat has replaced this loving attribute? Has it been anger or frustration? Had the held emotions of pain and deep and unfathomable grief been carried-over inside a tiny energetic back-pack on my re-emergence this time around, waiting to re-surface again? Is it possible that the ailment of arthritis stems from an energy of undealt with sadness, that leads to disharmonious vibration in my liver?

Again, did I take time to listen to my knee when the cartilage gave a sharp, painful and resounding ping a couple of decades ago as we were about to embark on an icy exploration skirting the face of the Fox Glacier in New Zealand?  What is this all telling me now?  Could there be a level of clearing of energy of what may be referred to as not having been a self-loving or self-nurturing way of chosen lifestyle thus far, a healing on a deeper level perhaps.

Indeed, what was this telling me way back then 15 years previous that I didn’t understand, other than it causing a disruption of the icy adventure, albeit resulting in a painful and messy chondral ulcer in my knee some weeks later.   I am unfolding still, re-membering and re-connecting to God and His Love in the space that abounds and surrounds us – once again in connection to the All – the universe and beyond – to multidimensionality.

Do I indeed have the ‘ability to respond’ truly to this human experience?  Is it possible that this is an invitation to take ‘respons-ability’ for my part in the greater picture?  What else could there be – is it an invitation to expand my awareness and allow the intelligence of my body to be heard – to activate true responsivity?

Now comes to mind the arthroscopy following some weeks after the glacier incident with resultant inflammation and damage to the divinely orchestrated workings of the knee and the reprimand of the surgeon rang in my ears.  What drove me to believe that I could push through the pain?  Was it the energy of the human spirit, the creator spirit that allowed my behavioural displays of arrogance and of the new-age beliefs I held at that time, or was it just a chosen energy of ignorance to ‘get me by’ and to dull my innate awareness?

If one were still dominated by these unfortunate dis-connected or almost barbaric beliefs, one would believe that this forthcoming pain-full knee replacement surgery was a punishment or retribution of sorts but I thank God that I did eventually and some years ago choose to see/feel common sense and followed the promptings of my inner heart, arranging an appointment with an extraordinary but ordinary man, Serge Benhayon.

Divine messages are many if we would be aware of and appreciate what is constantly on offer. In confirmation, I suddenly recall a moment in time where we were once again up in the air flying – south/eastwards across the endless land below on our way home from a trip outback in Arnhem Land, Northern Territory when at about 10,000 ft. in the distance ahead we could see a spectacular rainbow – this rainbow was a complete circle. The sense of enfolding love emanating was palpable as this glorious phenomenon moved gently towards our Cessna 182 as we purposefully flew right through it at our top speed of 140 knots and so we were then miraculously on the other side.  By turning my head-set encumbered head around I was able to view momentarily the complete shadow side of the circular rainbow from the other side through the rear windows of our 4-seater cabin – appreciating the blessing we had witnessed and received.  There was a knowing this particular ‘return home’ was perhaps a metaphor for the coming times.

This all-embracing Love and the constant opportunities that are offered to us are without end and so it has continued still as we all evolve and in this instance of the hospital to bring me to the hour of being gowned up,wheeled into cubicle 8 awaiting with the awareness of being bathed in the deepest sense of Love – no evidence of tension or fear,just a deep appreciation for the gift that was being offered.

 On the 8th day post total knee replacement I pondered on the enormity of the possible true reflection of this entire experience.

As I hopped back into my hospital bed (if only that was true) – actually with the aid of a shiny red wheelie walker and the assistance of a length of a Pilates rubber band looped around my left foot, I lifted my leg onto the bed and placed it gently upon the crisp white sheets and wrapped the heavenly cold ice pack around my enormously swollen knee. The pain was reasonably severe and the tears fell easily as I resisted the awareness that in the pain there may be healing.

I felt immediately a loving presence from a higher plane supporting me and feeling that in their earthly experiences they too had suffered pain. My tears were quelled. I reminded myself there was always a higher purpose to all our experiences here on this third dimensional realm including pain or suffering.

My new knee has metal components moulded and screwed to the bones of my leg, to replace the natural tissues and movements of my knee.  The living cells of the muscles, tendons, connective tissue etc. are having to move and find a new way to support the intruded components and the waves of nerve pain reminding me of a distant sky on the ocean horizon when the remnant lightning continues and is seen as pulses of fire lighting the beauty of the internal structures of the clouds after the local thunderstorm has passed.

One has to wonder at the possible deeper wisdom yet to be revealed of having the experience of a replacement surgery, in this case of the left knee.  It is understood that the left side of the frame of our human self is representative of the feminine side and that any knee issues could possibly denote the presence of emotion of some kind – perhaps fear of simply stepping up or moving forward in a more meaningful and true manner.

Being the feminine side of us could possibly present as looking more purposefully into the meaning of being a mother, ergo motherhood. How had we actually believed in the past the position of being a ‘mother’ was to be played out? What did we believe it looked like – what were the pictures we held as an ideal as compared to the true mothering energy of nurturing, a universal embracement of true ‘motherhood’ and energetically understood from a point of Ageless Wisdom? A wise young woman shared “… it is the moving forward of the woman to truly be the woman and not carry the load of ideals of being Mum/mother…”  as the term Universal Mother implies, loving all equally.  Much to reflect on at this time of deep healing prior to me being transported to another hospital facility for further physical rehabilitation. 

But it seems to me that there is more afoot, or ‘a knee’ if you like – than just physical rehabilitation – there seems to be a calling from deep within my being to perhaps see the possibility of an energetic re-alignment via my commitment to this current re-habilitation – and this may ostensibly only occur if I choose to surrender what I have previously believed to be true and allow time and space to divulge spaciousness or true truth as presented in the many sermons by Serge Benhayon through the religion of The Way of The Livingness.

When one ponders on this event there has to be a mountainous effort of all the cells, tendons, ligaments and particles all re-joining to become part of the whole once again.  No need to mention the at times ‘un-speakable’ pain associated with all of this activity that was going on inside my left leg that was held in some account by an assortment of closely governed narcotic and other monitored codeine based drugs during my hospital stay. 

Whilst there was physical pain, I would hasten to express that perhaps the greatest pain that I experienced in these past few weeks was the sense of loss of connection to my Self – the ability to reach that place of stillness within where one knows one is held in the purity of divine love. Does this then not reflect that people who endeavour to ‘lose’ themselves in an effort to not feel for a moment the hurts and emotional pain they are experiencing, are in fact not doing themselves any great favour by choosing the route of narcotic drugs as a lifestyle. As a result of my own experience it would appear to me that this route exacerbates the expressed feeling of not being able to connect with oneself or with the love that we all are innately at our core, but instead momentarily dulling what is not wanted to be felt.

Surely there has to be another way. I might add that in my somewhat flimsy awareness in those moments of distortion, I did take note that when I started to reach for imagined things in the air that it was time to remove the opiate style drugs for the pain from my medicine list.

As I expressed these thoughts and feelings 5 weeks after my full knee replacement surgery I stood albeit a little shaky, but solidly in my awareness of our divine connection and the fact of our spherical nature, a bit like a spherical Rubik’s cube if you will, with the pieces not always appearing to fit or to matter, but it seems that we all affect each other with our thoughts and behaviours and we can choose whether or not to be affected by the energies that are constantly flowing through each one of us. 

With the presence of the Wesak /May full moon that passed us by as I rested in my hospital bed, it left me with the feeling of a mix of awe and humbleness for the gifts of Heaven that are constantly being showered upon us.

How glorious it is to surrender to the stillness of The Gentle Breath and to these Divine gifts of Love that surround us constantly whether we are aware of them or not, whether we are in the belief that we have been ‘Kneecapped’ or indeed possibly in the position of our self-inflicted choice to be “Capped by Fear”.

At this point of appreciation and deepening awareness some time later being in a position of choosing ‘re-habilitation’, ‘re-conciliation’ and onwards perhaps ultimately to a deeper knowing within as resurrection and re-connection with the loving energy that is God.


Read more:

  1. Arthritis – more than physio, painkillers and joint replacements? 
  2. Returning to our body – the wonder, beauty and science of our body.  

38 thoughts on “KNEE-CAPPED… or… CAPPED BY FEAR

  1. I can so relate to what you are sharing here Roberta
    “I had worked in a male energy during my adult life, choosing to shut down, toughen up and be hard, rather than staying open, delicate and vulnerable. This male-style energy saw me behaving in an independent or stubborn fashion when a heavy lifting, pushing/pulling or digging job was to be carried out and there was no one else present to offer support, I would expect/demand that my body obey the desire and determination of my will.”
    I have also expected my body to obey and just get on with whatever I needed it to do, from lifting heavy straw and lucerne bales around when young, to lifting heavy gas bottles and balloon baskets before and after Hot Air Balloon flights. For most of my life I have used male energy to get me through life.
    Then yesterday I was able to really connect to my body via Sacred Movement and for the first time feel what it feels like to be delicate with myself and it is the most exquisite feeling, such that I want to be in and with this feeling now. I do not have to live hardened to the world, I can let go and feel how delicate I am, how delicate we all are, to come back to the understanding that it is our natural way of being.

  2. You ask an interesting question Roberta
    “What drove me to believe that I could push through the pain? Was it the energy of the human spirit, the creator spirit that allowed my behavioural displays of arrogance and of the new-age beliefs I held at that time, or was it just a chosen energy of ignorance to ‘get me by’ and to dull my innate awareness?”
    We think we are the most intelligent species on earth but I do wonder at our own arrogance, that we think we can get away with such disregard but our bodies always show us otherwise.

    1. Pushing through pain can be as a result of many different reasons but at the end of the day all of those reasons come from our alignment to a consciousness that loves the fact that we’re disregarding and disrespecting our bodies. The other consciousness that we can align to supports us to understand why we’re feeling pain, it encourages us to adhere to the messages of the body and to honour what’s needed in any given moment.

  3. When we are forced to stop we find there is actually no monster we need to run from – just the stillness of the universe and an amazing awareness of truth. Stop avoiding this and we might find life and our health is transformed.

  4. If you think an elephant never forgets! When we stop listening to our body, it will always be at our peril.

  5. Roberta, I often ask myself the question why has it taken so long for me to come to the full realization that my body is giving me messages all the time. You article has again given me the opportunity to reflect on any little twinges that in this case my knees are giving to me. How easy it is to over ride what the body is saying to me on a daily basis, and I need to be more tuned into my whole body to ask the big question, as to why have I let myself fall from self love, to not even notice, that my body is speaking so loud to me all along the way.

    1. Mary I know the feeling of the twinges that we feel in our bodies that let us know something is not right. My left knee has been telling me for years that I am holding back; it’s an old fear from lifetimes ago that I’m still carrying as a hurt within my body. If I let that go, then I have no excuses for not moving forward, no matter the consequences.

  6. It is very beautiful and inciteful to see how you came to such a depth of understanding about your left knee complaint, and by combining both Western medicine and Esoteric medicine you were able to have complete healing.

  7. The body really is beautiful and capable of so much more than it’s known physical functions. Being a window into the communication of God.

    1. God’s words don’t float through the ether they come through our bodies and likewise our communication back to The All That Is, is through our bodies. Communication back and forth with The Universe is a very practical process and our bodies are the communication device through which it happens.

  8. There is so much on offer here for reflection, a whole new invitation to understanding, love and take responsibility – all available to be faced. Thank you Roberta for sharing

  9. Imagine God freaking out at what tomorrow may bring or what might happen to the birds and bees. It’s equally absurd when we subscribe to fear, when we are perpetually held by absolute love.

  10. “Once as my body ungracefully slid down Echidna Chasm, Halls Creek in the Kimberley with left leg contorted in a position that a Russian Ballet dancer would envy” Roberta you’ve got me laughing out loud!

  11. Roberta this is an incredible account of what for so many is a rather routine surgery. The depth with which you have examined it and your part in it is quite revelatory and it is this level of enquiry that most of us lack in our everyday lives. There is a general lack of investigation as to our part in anything that happens and therefore as a result we continue to let life simply just happen and we kind of fall in after the event.

    1. Alexis it feels as though we have become robotic in as much as we just accept life as it is without questioning our part in it, or why we did what we did and got the outcome. I can feel in my own body this lack of questioning why? what are the consequences if I did such and such? I just automatically do something and pick up the mess later. Then say, maybe I shouldn’t have done that to start with!
      As you say we just let life happen, so why have we allowed ourselves to become robotic?

      1. Because the energy we align to does not give us the option to truly question what’s going on, we’re not free thinking people, we’re fleshy vessels through which different consciousnesses pour. If our movements are a certain type, then our thoughts will be of the same flavour. When I was addicted to exercise and partying hard then it would have been absolutely impossible for me to question what I was doing in any kind of honest way, because the energy that was fuelling my movements wouldn’t have allowed it.

  12. Sometimes the hardest experiences are the ones that help us to evolve more, when we surrender to the healing and understanding they offer to us.

  13. We began life fully connected to our body. Then, we think we can improve a system that works. We persevere and force the body to override or turn off its warning system to our own detriment. What did our body do the first time we drank alcohol, did we say never again or did we persist and convince ourselves it was good for us? We are our own worst enemy.

    1. Thankfully I don’t think it’s possible to turn off the body’s warning system but we can be so oblivious to it that for all intents and purposes we think that it’s turned off.

  14. You ask yourself some really insightful questions Roberta
    ‘What drove me to believe that I could push through the pain? Was it the energy of the human spirit, the creator spirit that allowed my behavioural displays of arrogance and of the new-age beliefs I held at that time, or was it just a chosen energy of ignorance to ‘get me by’ and to dull my innate awareness?’
    At some level I believe we do know the choices we are making otherwise why would we dull ourselves?

    1. Mary I agree with you that on some level we ‘do know the choices we are making’ because on some level we are the activity of God. Yep sure I recognise that that sounds incredibly far fetched and many would say totally raving mad but that’s just a refection of how masterfully we’ve all managed to cover up the truth of who we all are with an elaborate game of charades. But one day the game will come to a grinding halt and we’ll all be revealed for who we are in truth – the activity of God on Earth.

      1. Alexis I’m just beginning to have an understanding of what you are referring to that it is possible that we are the activity of God on earth. This experience comes from being more aware of what is actually occurring in life; that at some point in the future, we will understand that there is only the activity of God and the Universe.

  15. It’s great to question how we contribute to the health conditions we experience and be very honest, as you have in your writing, otherwise we don’t grow and evolve back to our innate love. I am still working through understanding how I got my body into the state it is, I’ve noticed that behaviours can become so ingrained and automatic at times I often couldn’t see that what I was doing and how it was placing a pressure on myself, especially when behaviours like ‘helping others’ are seen as being ‘good’ and therefore not something to question as harmful to self. It’s an ongoing process understanding how our choices impact the body, thanks for your honesty Roberta.

    1. You raise an interesting point Melinda when you say that
      “I’ve noticed that behaviours can become so ingrained and automatic at times I often couldn’t see that what I was doing and how it was placing a pressure on myself, especially when behaviours like ‘helping others’ are seen as being ‘good’ and therefore not something to question as harmful to self.”
      I wonder if our patterns are so ingrained because we bring them with us un dealt with from past lives and that is why they are so ingrained and automatic that they have become a part of who we believe ourselves to be.

  16. Despite resisting surgery sometimes it’s what is needed and a deeper healing can then occur. I found that myself – felt a huge shift after an operation a few years ago. Unfortunately I didn’t hold the level of clearing I had been offered at the time. Made changes since then tho!

    1. Surgery and what conventional medicine offers go hand in hand, if we so choose, and the healing on offer is vast.

  17. I love your analogy with the spherical Rubiks cube Roberta. Sometimes it does feel like that, especially after surgery. It us up to us – with divine support – to come back together again to make one beautiful whole.

    1. The crazy thing is we are already one beautiful whole, we are the collective magnificence of God, it’s just that we’ve aligned to an energy that has us behaving in a very ugly and fragmented way.

  18. The more serious wear and tear from years of past ill-choices does come to us eventually. It’s not random but just delayed. I find the young and bulletproof attitude rather silly as we can’t escape any of our choices. My right knee gives me jip a lot and I’m only 30. Working with and listening to it now may help avoid it needing to shout even louder.

    1. ‘Attitudes’ are not ‘silly choices’ they are an alignment to a particular energy, as are ‘loving choices’ also just an alignment to a particular energy. We don’t make choices we are given directives by the energy that we align to. Align to the pranic consciousness and you’ll be given movements that keep you roaming around in No Man’s Land, align to the consciousness of God and you’ll be directed back into the Fold of God.

  19. Pain has a purpose in offering us an opportunity to realise that the way we have been living and moving is not in harmony with the truth of who we are.

    1. I so agree Mary – pain does indeed have a purpose and when we can meet the pain as an opportunity to change we are indeed engaging with an energy and purpose far greater and grander than we have thus far lived.

      1. I totally agree with you Susan, an opportunity to change to a greater understanding of who we are and how we have been living.

      2. Could it be that every single situation, experience, relationship etc is designed to bring us closer to God? Could it be that all roads lead back to Him and life changes once we know that and seize the ever present opportunity to return?

      3. Nothing hurts for no reason and yet very few of us spend any time whatsoever considering why we’re in pain. Many of us simply get used to it and take it to be an accepted part of our lives. Not just physical pain in our bodies but emotional pain and mental pain as well; millions of us even live with emotional and mental anguish and just consider that it’s ‘part and parcel’ of life.

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