By Roberta Himing, Student of Life, Gold Coast, Australia.
From the title “Knee-capped” one would perhaps think I am speaking of a past era just prior to my birth – perhaps of the time of “Prohibition”, the fabled Elliot Ness and the street gangs of Chicago, where sporadically a form of malicious wounding/torture occasioned to the knees was meted out as a punishment to prevent the assailed from easily moving forward. However, this is not the case. It appears it may be more to do with a karmic story and the deepening awareness around my ‘new knee’ experience.
Was I in fact being brought to my knees?
In the 3rd month of 2018 an excruciating and locking pain saw me with X-rays under my arm visiting an orthopaedic surgeon who showed me a model of how a regular and healthy knee would appear. He marvelled at the fact that I was still able to walk after viewing the X-ray I presented to him. Shockingly (to me) I found I was advised to have a knee-replacement surgery. How could this be? I had not been a rugby player or sportsperson of any ilk, though I had worked in a male energy during my adult life, choosing to shut down, toughen up and be hard, rather than staying open, delicate and vulnerable. This male-style energy saw me behaving in an independent or stubborn fashion when a heavy lifting, pushing/pulling or digging job was to be carried out and there was no one else present to offer support, I would expect/demand that my body obey the desire and determination of my will. On reflection not very self-loving at all and certainly not connected to the innate preciousness and sacredness of being a woman.
May Day! May Day! May Day! May 1st – surgery day fast approaching.
In those few weeks while waiting for the day of the operation, my anxiety levels rose to extreme. My recollections saw the projected fear of the pain that I would possibly experience as a result of large metal and finely honed screws being inserted into the ends of the femur and the tibia, the bones on either side of the knee joint, and a metal plate, rotating pieces etc. replacing once healthy cartilage that had now worn away, plus a plastic type button inserted behind the patella of my left leg. My body shook at the thought of this forthcoming pain and my developing awareness saw me hating the fact that I had perhaps at some level been complicit in creating the platform for this pain through past ideals, behaviours, beliefs and choices.
I found I was in fear of the prospect of what would very likely be my experience post-surgery in now less than a week away. There is to be expected a level of on-going pain to remind me that there may be a deeper reason that the knee has exhibited a level of discomfort as a result of osteo-arthritis, wear and damage.
As the day of the surgery approached, more and more levels of awareness that had been buried came to the surface.
I realised that far from this coming out of the blue, this knee had experienced trauma on at least three distinct occasions, once as my body ungracefully slid down Echidna Chasm, Halls Creek in the Kimberley with left leg contorted in a position that a Russian Ballet dancer would envy; the incident of the cartilage snapping as we were about to scale an icy glacier in New Zealand and another as a result of the ascent and descent of the monolith known as Uluru, the descent resulting in painful tension on the knee joint.
Am I to witness my own self being ‘knee-capped’ – rendered unable to step up or move forward in any manner befitting a Son of God, or indeed is there a choice for me to explore more deeply within, even unto the energetic understanding behind the evidence of arthritis exhibited in some parts of the body? Could it be that this amazing body has been speaking loudly to me for many years and I had chosen to forget how to listen to the nuances in the treasury of messages, chosen to forget that each organ within the body speaks loudly and clearly?
For example, had I dulled my awareness deliberately to the point of arrogantly ignoring the sense of knowing or hearing the song of the Liver? Is it possible that the organ known as the liver has a vibration of harmony throughout? If there be not harmony, what has replaced this loving attribute? Has it been anger or frustration? Had the held emotions of pain and deep and unfathomable grief been carried-over inside a tiny energetic back-pack on my re-emergence this time around, waiting to re-surface again? Is it possible that the ailment of arthritis stems from an energy of undealt with sadness, that leads to disharmonious vibration in my liver?
Again, did I take time to listen to my knee when the cartilage gave a sharp, painful and resounding ping a couple of decades ago as we were about to embark on an icy exploration skirting the face of the Fox Glacier in New Zealand? What is this all telling me now? Could there be a level of clearing of energy of what may be referred to as not having been a self-loving or self-nurturing way of chosen lifestyle thus far, a healing on a deeper level perhaps.
Indeed, what was this telling me way back then 15 years previous that I didn’t understand, other than it causing a disruption of the icy adventure, albeit resulting in a painful and messy chondral ulcer in my knee some weeks later. I am unfolding still, re-membering and re-connecting to God and His Love in the space that abounds and surrounds us – once again in connection to the All – the universe and beyond – to multidimensionality.
Do I indeed have the ‘ability to respond’ truly to this human experience? Is it possible that this is an invitation to take ‘respons-ability’ for my part in the greater picture? What else could there be – is it an invitation to expand my awareness and allow the intelligence of my body to be heard – to activate true responsivity?
Now comes to mind the arthroscopy following some weeks after the glacier incident with resultant inflammation and damage to the divinely orchestrated workings of the knee and the reprimand of the surgeon rang in my ears. What drove me to believe that I could push through the pain? Was it the energy of the human spirit, the creator spirit that allowed my behavioural displays of arrogance and of the new-age beliefs I held at that time, or was it just a chosen energy of ignorance to ‘get me by’ and to dull my innate awareness?
If one were still dominated by these unfortunate dis-connected or almost barbaric beliefs, one would believe that this forthcoming pain-full knee replacement surgery was a punishment or retribution of sorts but I thank God that I did eventually and some years ago choose to see/feel common sense and followed the promptings of my inner heart, arranging an appointment with an extraordinary but ordinary man, Serge Benhayon.
Divine messages are many if we would be aware of and appreciate what is constantly on offer. In confirmation, I suddenly recall a moment in time where we were once again up in the air flying – south/eastwards across the endless land below on our way home from a trip outback in Arnhem Land, Northern Territory when at about 10,000 ft. in the distance ahead we could see a spectacular rainbow – this rainbow was a complete circle. The sense of enfolding love emanating was palpable as this glorious phenomenon moved gently towards our Cessna 182 as we purposefully flew right through it at our top speed of 140 knots and so we were then miraculously on the other side. By turning my head-set encumbered head around I was able to view momentarily the complete shadow side of the circular rainbow from the other side through the rear windows of our 4-seater cabin – appreciating the blessing we had witnessed and received. There was a knowing this particular ‘return home’ was perhaps a metaphor for the coming times.
This all-embracing Love and the constant opportunities that are offered to us are without end and so it has continued still as we all evolve and in this instance of the hospital to bring me to the hour of being gowned up,wheeled into cubicle 8 awaiting with the awareness of being bathed in the deepest sense of Love – no evidence of tension or fear,just a deep appreciation for the gift that was being offered.
On the 8th day post total knee replacement I pondered on the enormity of the possible true reflection of this entire experience.
As I hopped back into my hospital bed (if only that was true) – actually with the aid of a shiny red wheelie walker and the assistance of a length of a Pilates rubber band looped around my left foot, I lifted my leg onto the bed and placed it gently upon the crisp white sheets and wrapped the heavenly cold ice pack around my enormously swollen knee. The pain was reasonably severe and the tears fell easily as I resisted the awareness that in the pain there may be healing.
I felt immediately a loving presence from a higher plane supporting me and feeling that in their earthly experiences they too had suffered pain. My tears were quelled. I reminded myself there was always a higher purpose to all our experiences here on this third dimensional realm including pain or suffering.
My new knee has metal components moulded and screwed to the bones of my leg, to replace the natural tissues and movements of my knee. The living cells of the muscles, tendons, connective tissue etc. are having to move and find a new way to support the intruded components and the waves of nerve pain reminding me of a distant sky on the ocean horizon when the remnant lightning continues and is seen as pulses of fire lighting the beauty of the internal structures of the clouds after the local thunderstorm has passed.
One has to wonder at the possible deeper wisdom yet to be revealed of having the experience of a replacement surgery, in this case of the left knee. It is understood that the left side of the frame of our human self is representative of the feminine side and that any knee issues could possibly denote the presence of emotion of some kind – perhaps fear of simply stepping up or moving forward in a more meaningful and true manner.
Being the feminine side of us could possibly present as looking more purposefully into the meaning of being a mother, ergo motherhood. How had we actually believed in the past the position of being a ‘mother’ was to be played out? What did we believe it looked like – what were the pictures we held as an ideal as compared to the true mothering energy of nurturing, a universal embracement of true ‘motherhood’ and energetically understood from a point of Ageless Wisdom? A wise young woman shared “… it is the moving forward of the woman to truly be the woman and not carry the load of ideals of being Mum/mother…” as the term Universal Mother implies, loving all equally. Much to reflect on at this time of deep healing prior to me being transported to another hospital facility for further physical rehabilitation.
But it seems to me that there is more afoot, or ‘a knee’ if you like – than just physical rehabilitation – there seems to be a calling from deep within my being to perhaps see the possibility of an energetic re-alignment via my commitment to this current re-habilitation – and this may ostensibly only occur if I choose to surrender what I have previously believed to be true and allow time and space to divulge spaciousness or true truth as presented in the many sermons by Serge Benhayon through the religion of The Way of The Livingness.
When one ponders on this event there has to be a mountainous effort of all the cells, tendons, ligaments and particles all re-joining to become part of the whole once again. No need to mention the at times ‘un-speakable’ pain associated with all of this activity that was going on inside my left leg that was held in some account by an assortment of closely governed narcotic and other monitored codeine based drugs during my hospital stay.
Whilst there was physical pain, I would hasten to express that perhaps the greatest pain that I experienced in these past few weeks was the sense of loss of connection to my Self – the ability to reach that place of stillness within where one knows one is held in the purity of divine love. Does this then not reflect that people who endeavour to ‘lose’ themselves in an effort to not feel for a moment the hurts and emotional pain they are experiencing, are in fact not doing themselves any great favour by choosing the route of narcotic drugs as a lifestyle. As a result of my own experience it would appear to me that this route exacerbates the expressed feeling of not being able to connect with oneself or with the love that we all are innately at our core, but instead momentarily dulling what is not wanted to be felt.
Surely there has to be another way. I might add that in my somewhat flimsy awareness in those moments of distortion, I did take note that when I started to reach for imagined things in the air that it was time to remove the opiate style drugs for the pain from my medicine list.
As I expressed these thoughts and feelings 5 weeks after my full knee replacement surgery I stood albeit a little shaky, but solidly in my awareness of our divine connection and the fact of our spherical nature, a bit like a spherical Rubik’s cube if you will, with the pieces not always appearing to fit or to matter, but it seems that we all affect each other with our thoughts and behaviours and we can choose whether or not to be affected by the energies that are constantly flowing through each one of us.
With the presence of the Wesak /May full moon that passed us by as I rested in my hospital bed, it left me with the feeling of a mix of awe and humbleness for the gifts of Heaven that are constantly being showered upon us.
How glorious it is to surrender to the stillness of The Gentle Breath and to these Divine gifts of Love that surround us constantly whether we are aware of them or not, whether we are in the belief that we have been ‘Kneecapped’ or indeed possibly in the position of our self-inflicted choice to be “Capped by Fear”.
At this point of appreciation and deepening awareness some time later being in a position of choosing ‘re-habilitation’, ‘re-conciliation’ and onwards perhaps ultimately to a deeper knowing within as resurrection and re-connection with the loving energy that is God.