by Fiona McGovern, Isle of Arran, Scotland.
Two days ago I was in hospital for a surgical procedure. The porter took me in a wheelchair and a student nurse accompanied us. We all took the lift up to the surgery ward. As it went up it stopped at a floor, the doors opened and a man in his red dressing gown stood looking in. He had no intention of getting in the lift. At the time I was laughing. He looked at me sternly: “You are far too happy”, he said. “You can’t be ill.” The doors closed and we continued upwards, slightly bemused by his words and tone of voice.
I commented that this kind of remark was often said to me. Another person had said “It is bizarre that you can laugh with all you are going through” and another said “You must have bad moments”, by which they meant days.
I pondered on all these comments and wondered why it is assumed by many that illness means misery.
Are we looking at illness in a false light?
I remarked to a friend that I would rather have had the cancer than be how I was before the illness.
That’s why I smile and laugh and don’t have those bad days people assume I must have.
How can this be?
Before the cancer I was to the outside world a positive bouncy person who looked after her health and seemed to have a fulfilling career and marriage.
The truth is that image was very superficial. Underneath I was a mess. I felt driven to achieve, to attend to everyone’s needs, to remove their pain, to make the world alright. My confidence was shallow and unsteady. I felt there was something I was missing as a woman. I worked so hard for others I had no quality time with my husband… the list could go on.
Yes it would have been lovely to have learnt all that I have learnt without the cancer, but those beliefs and ideals were so entrenched I feel I had to be made to completely stop in order to begin to feel what I had been doing to myself.
I have never blamed God for this or felt anger towards him because how I now feel is so very beautiful and so real. I awake feeling love in my body and joy at another day. Things no-one can ever take away from me.
My searching for God is over because he was with me all along, holding me, waiting for me to return. My quest to find me is over because I have discovered I was with me all along and my longing to feel like a true woman is over because yes I was born a woman, so being a woman was with me as well.
All I needed to do was see the false light I had allowed myself to be in and reconnect to the amazing light I naturally am.
Everything I longed for is reconnected to and there is now the beauty of discovering more.
Can you feel why I smile and giggle? Life this way is simple. I have dropped the complexity which once governed me.
Yes I have worked very hard and full-time at this and at times it hasn’t been easy. However, the ongoing support of Serge Benhayon and all he presents and of the Universal Medicine team has confirmed to me this is a job worth doing and continuing with!
If I drop, it is for a moment, not like the days I once had and others refer to. I smile and open myself to being more of me.
For you it may not be cancer. It may be a cold or a spot which makes you stop and look at the rhythm you are in day to day. Does it confirm and support you to be all of you or is it one dictated by the outside?
I feel whether it is cancer or a cold it’s all the same, just a different intensity. It’s an opportunity to stop and feel.
At first I was ashamed of the illness. I wanted to deny it, keep it secret. I knew it would spoil everyone’s image of me as the healthy one, the one with the answers. I had allowed myself to be in an ill rhythm dictated and driven by others’ needs, ideals and beliefs.
I am no longer ashamed it has happened and I now know the answers lie within.
Illness is not a failure; it is a clearing of what we have allowed in that is toxic to the body. This clearing is part of the process that endeavours to return us to the love we are.
This love put me into a cycle of healing. In doing so, I felt to change the choices of my daily life to ones which support me to be all I am and allow me to express that in the world. This is an ongoing refinement and there is more of me to enjoy, but I know that I will keep smiling and being playful no matter how bewildering others may find it to be.
Could it be that if we have been looking at illness and disease in a false light, considering it to be due to bad luck, a virus, an accident, genetics, a punishment, an inconvenience etc instead of seeing it as the loving stop we needed to get back into a rhythm that supports us to be all that we are?
Could it be that we are also looking at healing under a false light too?
Maybe healing isn’t always a cure, living to a ripe old age, getting rid of symptoms, managing an illness or disease, but a way back to our divineness? a beautiful cycle of evolution?
It certainly feels like that to me. So I will continue to smile and baffle those around me and perhaps one day they too will see illness/ disease and healing in a different light.
305 thoughts on “How Cancer has Changed my Life.”
What an inspiring blog to read, thank you for sharing Fiona, I wondered how many people can say this
“I awake feeling love in my body and joy at another day. Things no-one can ever take away from me.”
Very few I imagine and yet in spite of everything you have shared you were able to wake up each day feeling the love and joy in your body. It’s interesting that the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has been a contributing factor, as he was also with me, supporting me to extract myself out of ill mental health back to feeling full of vitality.
Fiona, thank you for the reminder that ‘illness is not a failure; it is a clearing’…When we are unwell, we can get so caught up on feeling something is wrong and not seeing the clearing. I needed to read this confirmation whilst going through an unpleasant clearing, I hadn’t seen the joy in it…
Thank you Fiona. Your sharing is priceless. It supports me deeply to accept today that I’m cold, quite weak and with my nose completely blocked. Your words are so alive that opened up a new way of being with me without rigidity but playfullness and tenderness. Loving myself no matter is being a work in progress for me, this morning I resisted and found difficult to appreciate the clearing my body is experiencing however this shows me a clear insight about the unloving ways in which I’m sometimes with myself…demanding, expecting, pushing, trying hard, doing to prove that I’m worthy….so such a blessing actually is being sick! for the opportunity to stop and see all what I’m realizing about and to be more gentle, caring and understanding with the precious woman I actually am.
If these blogs that are written can support one person to stop and consider making changes, as you have done Inma, in how to take care of themselves, then that to me is the domino effect that is needed to change the world. How we are with ourselves has an effect on other people, this will change our society, not protesting and marching or rioting in the streets. The silent revolution.
“It may be a cold or a spot which makes you stop and look at the rhythm you are in day to day. Does it confirm and support you to be all of you or is it one dictated by the outside?” Reading this got me to stop and think what if rather than the condition getting to such an extent to make me stop that I could stop and ask this question of myself.
“I remarked to a friend that I would rather have had the cancer than be how I was before the illness.” I know this feeling and even though I haven’t had cancer I have had many colds and throat infections to know the feeling of your body saying ‘STOP’. It always offers a moment to reflect on how I have been living and to allow myself to change my ways so I don’t keep going in a way that disregards the body. For example when I pressure myself too much at work I can get ill, or when I sympathise too much with others I do get ill.
These ‘STOP’ moments are so essential to remind us how we are living. The question is, do people see this as an opportunity to regather, take stock and redefine? Most often not, until a huge boulder hits them, then they view life from a different perspective. Every illness, minor of major is a clearing, are we prepared to view from this perspective, or from the victim’s perspective. It’s the individuals choice in how they view things, is the simplicity of healing.
“I would rather have had the cancer than be how I was before the illness” – to be able to say that, not with irony or fake optimism, is just beyond amazing. It really makes one question what life then truly is, and how the majority is choosing the comfort of discomfort, and exposes the game we indulge in by creating more struggle when we fight the ‘misery’ that we have created for ourselves.
Each time I read this it blows me away on another level, there is such an acceptance in what Fiona offers us here, in her own situation and the complete non-judgement of how others reacted to it. And as she puts it so beautifully ‘I awake feeling love in my body and joy at another day. Things no-one can ever take away from me.’ What a gift to have and live.
“I pondered on all these comments and wondered why it is assumed by many that illness means misery.” This is a great point, because everyone assumes that if you are ill, you no longer feel joyous or playful, a person maybe ill, but it does not define who they are.