How Cancer has Changed my Life.

by Fiona McGovern, Isle of Arran, Scotland.

Two days ago I was in hospital for a surgical procedure. The porter took me in a wheelchair and a student nurse accompanied us. We all took the lift up to the surgery ward. As it went up it stopped at a floor, the doors opened and a man in his red dressing gown stood looking in. He had no intention of getting in the lift. At the time I was laughing. He looked at me sternly: “You are far too happy”, he said. “You can’t be ill.” The doors closed and we continued upwards, slightly bemused by his words and tone of voice.

I commented that this kind of remark was often said to me. Another person had said “It is bizarre that you can laugh with all you are going through” and another said “You must have bad moments”, by which they meant days.

I pondered on all these comments and wondered why it is assumed by many that illness means misery.

Are we looking at illness in a false light?

I remarked to a friend that I would rather have had the cancer than be how I was before the illness.

That’s why I smile and laugh and don’t have those bad days people assume I must have.

How can this be?

Before the cancer I was to the outside world a positive bouncy person who looked after her health and seemed to have a fulfilling career and marriage.

The truth is that image was very superficial. Underneath I was a mess. I felt driven to achieve, to attend to everyone’s needs, to remove their pain, to make the world alright. My confidence was shallow and unsteady. I felt there was something I was missing as a woman. I worked so hard for others I had no quality time with my husband… the list could go on.

Yes it would have been lovely to have learnt all that I have learnt without the cancer, but those beliefs and ideals were so entrenched I feel I had to be made to completely stop in order to begin to feel what I had been doing to myself.

I have never blamed God for this or felt anger towards him because how I now feel is so very beautiful and so real. I awake feeling love in my body and joy at another day. Things no-one can ever take away from me.

My searching for God is over because he was with me all along, holding me, waiting for me to return. My quest to find me is over because I have discovered I was with me all along and my longing to feel like a true woman is over because yes I was born a woman, so being a woman was with me as well.

All I needed to do was see the false light I had allowed myself to be in and reconnect to the amazing light I naturally am.  

Everything I longed for is reconnected to and there is now the beauty of discovering more.

Can you feel why I smile and giggle? Life this way is simple. I have dropped the complexity which once governed me.

Yes I have worked very hard and full-time at this and at times it hasn’t been easy. However, the ongoing support of Serge Benhayon and all he presents and of the Universal Medicine team has confirmed to me this is a job worth doing and continuing with!

If I drop, it is for a moment, not like the days I once had and others refer to. I smile and open myself to being more of me.

For you it may not be cancer. It may be a cold or a spot which makes you stop and look at the rhythm you are in day to day. Does it confirm and support you to be all of you or is it one dictated by the outside?

I feel whether it is cancer or a cold it’s all the same, just a different intensity. It’s an opportunity to stop and feel.

At first I was ashamed of the illness. I wanted to deny it, keep it secret. I knew it would spoil everyone’s image of me as the healthy one, the one with the answers. I had allowed myself to be in an ill rhythm dictated and driven by others’ needs, ideals and beliefs.

I am no longer ashamed it has happened and I now know the answers lie within.

Illness is not a failure; it is a clearing of what we have allowed in that is toxic to the body. This clearing is part of the process that endeavours to return us to the love we are.

This love put me into a cycle of healing. In doing so, I felt to change the choices of my daily life to ones which support me to be all I am and allow me to express that in the world. This is an ongoing refinement and there is more of me to enjoy, but I know that I will keep smiling and being playful no matter how bewildering others may find it to be.

Could it be that if we have been looking at illness and disease in a false light, considering it to be due to bad luck, a virus, an accident, genetics, a punishment, an inconvenience etc instead of seeing it as the loving stop we needed to get back into a rhythm that supports us to be all that we are?

Could it be that we are also looking at healing under a false light too?

Maybe healing isn’t always a cure, living to a ripe old age, getting rid of symptoms, managing an illness or disease, but a way back to our divineness? a beautiful cycle of evolution?

It certainly feels like that to me. So I will continue to smile and baffle those around me and perhaps one day they too will see illness/ disease and healing in a different light.

269 thoughts on “How Cancer has Changed my Life.

  1. So beautiful Fiona, your lightness and joy are very palpable and yet your life is not one that from the outside anybody would imagine could have you feeling so joyful. It just goes to show how messed up and upside down we have this ‘life’ business… what you’ve shared is gold thank you.

  2. Fiona’s words ‘All I needed to do was see the false light I had allowed myself to be in and reconnect to the amazing light I naturally am.’ Beautifully claimed, and fully understanding the stop that is needed for us to return to who we truly are.

  3. Absolutely gorgeous Fiona, and telling that we do see those who embrace an illness and its learning as rare or somewhat special, rather than something available to all of us. Fiona’s wisdom is offered to all to us, to know and understand that no matter our dilemma or crisis, we can see it as a way that is stopping an ill rhythm we live in and thus a needed stop for us to reflect, see and understand that how we are living is not supportive of us, in other words a gift. Our choice is to embrace it or not.

  4. Can illness and disease be a way to hide even further from the beauty of our essence? It is like we are given a licence to become a victim and blame the world at large for our predicament. Yet here in this article we have a woman sharing her joy as she takes responsibility for where she finds herself. On reading this, there is no victim in the stakes of cancer, instead an offering to let go of a life we have lived that did not support ourselves to be ourselves.

  5. This whole blog is amazing – so much wisdom, joy and humbleness in what is being shared. This line made me stop and read it twice “Everything I longed for is reconnected to and there is now the beauty of discovering more.” for it encapsulates for me the magnificence that we are which most of us have very little if no awareness of because we are running around trying to find ourselves, when we are right here all along.

  6. I’m sure a refreshing way to look at cancer and illness and disease for many. Even within an article that is leading us to looking a different way of illness and disease lies a judgement that it is somehow not part of how things should be, “Yes it would have been lovely to have learnt all that I have learnt without the cancer, but those beliefs and ideals were so entrenched I feel I had to be made to completely stop in order to begin to feel what I had been doing to myself.” There is so much evidence pointing and alerting us to the fact that we are more than simply human. Throughout history is this message as well, we have one mode of thinking or actions only to find years later we were on the wrong track and a lot of the time things seem back to front. It would appear when we lock down, even in a small way, to only seeing part of something, the other part which is always felt lies still somewhere in our body or thoughts and is not activated. I guess if we were looking at a whole apple you only eat part of it and leave the rest. You can try and cover it, preserve it but in the end this unused or not activated piece of energy starts to break down or go rotten. Illness and disease is not really a mystery when it comes to energy, it just makes sense. Our attachment and at times ignorance to energy becomes our blind spot that allows a home for this all to take place.

  7. This is a new light shed on cancer.. A new form of being with it: seeing beyond the illness or disease itself,’whilst not letting the reality of the situation lose out of our sight..hence by this blog we learn to observe our ways and experiment that we indeed have a relationship with everything in one way or the other and that so when we have an illness or disease we should look honestly at where we are at: what choices we made (either lifting us up or taking ourselves down).

  8. I too had associated myself with an image that I was a happy and cheerful person and it was my job to make everyone happy, but these created expectations are too much to maintain for very long. With this way of thinking we think it’s not okay to have something go wrong with us. The amazing way you have presented of dealing with an illness is the future, to feel the blessing that we have been given to re-assess how it is to live in every way.

  9. We allow ideals and beliefs to have such a hold on us that it comes a time that the only way to let them go is an offering where illness and disease arises in the body yet the arrogance running through the body does not want to hear the truth; that we knowingly created the illness and disease in the first place. It is a bitter pill to swallow but it does not make any sense to me that we are given illness and disease that either comes from our genes or plucked from thin air. In life there are consequences for every ill choice we make and the body lovingly teaches us through illness and disease that we cannot carry on living in the way we were living before the onset of a major illness such as cancer or before the onset of a cold – there is simply no difference as the choices in both situations were abusive to the body. I can do no other but to appreciate my body every time it communicates with me something I have been ignoring to bring more love and understanding to the way in which I live my every day.

  10. Fiona’s story with cancer is one of the most amazing and truly inspiring that I have ever come across. Instead of seeing cancer as a death sentence, she came to understand fully and then to share how cancer was instead a massive healing for her of many lives of self disregard. In so doing she broke the cycle that had been long running and prepared the way for her next life to be free of all this old baggage and she was very aware that this was what she was doing.

  11. Cancer is a great stop for us to reflect on how we have been living and the choices we have been making, we either pick ourselves up and start making more loving choices as we are able to see far clearer the impact our previous choices have had, or we drop further into the misery of the life we have created.

  12. ‘Maybe healing isn’t always a cure, living to a ripe old age, getting rid of symptoms, managing an illness or disease, but a way back to our divineness? a beautiful cycle of evolution?’ Wise words and one day we will all understand what healing truly means and we will return to God.

  13. Illness can strip us back – to our vulnerability. It seems that often we can do so much to stay away from our vulnerability but if we go there, there is such joy and surrender. We don’t need illness to get us to this point, but sometimes it gives us a helping hand.

  14. To awake feeling joy in our bodies at another day, that is the way to live, and it’s possible for us all. Those stops we get allow us to feel and see what does and doesn’t support us, and often illness does this. We have an ideal that to live a successful life we should live to a ripe old age but in fact this is not true, and often a real healing is in embracing that illness and where-ever it takes us, and knowing that is supporting us to be more of who we are. We really have been seeing illness in a false light.

  15. To bring awareness and understanding to the true meaning of illness, changes the whole game plan of living in an irresponsible way, through reconnecting to our essence (Love, Harmony, Joy, Stillness) through our body. Fiona certainly emanated this quality in full.
    “Illness is not a failure; it is a clearing of what we have allowed in that is toxic to the body. This clearing is part of the process that endeavours to return us to the love we are”.

  16. It is stunning and by far a rarity to read of someone with cancer waking feeling love in their body and joy at being able to embrace another day as the woman they have reconnected to. Illness is indeed an opportunity to stop and feel and by doing so let go of all the falsity that has driven you to reveal the truth and beauty of who you truly are.

  17. I wonder how many of us live with the shadow of shame, needing a perfect picture to show the world, only to be completely devastated when, in whatever way, our ideals are smashed and we are left exposed and raw. How do we come back from such an experience? The last sentence below gives us a level of understanding that supports us to know our part in our illness, and offers us the responsibility to make the changes needed, this is how we return. “At first I was ashamed of the illness. I wanted to deny it, keep it secret. I knew it would spoil everyone’s image of me as the healthy one, the one with the answers. I had allowed myself to be in an ill rhythm dictated and driven by others’ needs, ideals and beliefs.”

  18. You are doing everything that needs to be done on a practical level, with the Doctors in hospital but as the man in the red robe pointed out, you are doing much more than that too. Stunning and clear, you are a sparkling inspiration on a new way of viewing illness and disease, small or big, it’s a message, it is communicating something, the question is, are we willing to listen?

  19. I come back to read this blog often … it’s pure gold. When I consider what is offered here, that looking good, ticking the boxes, being healthy is often a false wellness in fact when I read how Fiona lived waking each day feeling love in her body and joy at another day, I can feel how many of us so called healthy ones do not have this. Could it be that our illnesses are less obvious, that in fact because we are ‘at the mercy’ or live in a way that allows the outside world to dictate how we are, we in fact are ill, and yet we often think we’re fine … reading today I consider Fiona’s question about how I live and if I’m living in a way that supports me to live me in the world or instead simply allows me to survive and exist?

  20. Beautiful to feel the genuine joy and reunion of knowing and accepting the truth of life’s cycles and how illness and disease can be part of this re-union. “Maybe healing isn’t always a cure, living to a ripe old age, getting rid of symptoms, managing an illness or disease, but a way back to our divineness? a beautiful cycle of evolution?”

  21. What a different light you shed on illness and disease. We are so used to seeing illness and disease in a certain way that we do not see that there could be more to them than we allow ourselves to be aware of.

  22. That illness = misery is such a fallacy for illness always offers us an opportunity to heal and to see life and how we have been living in another light.

  23. This a beautiful blog of what it is to surrender. Surrender to the healing on offer and realise that joy and love is what we are which is always waiting to be expressed.

  24. I would prefer to see it {cancer} as you say “A way back to divineness, a beautiful cycle of evolution”? Thank you Fiona.

  25. “Underneath I was a mess.”
    How many of us can relate to putting on a happy face, yet be literally dying inside?
    I, for one can. There is no greater joy than discovering our presence holds a steadiness that simply brings what we feel within out to our world. No more hiding how we feel, instead honestly sharing our selves. The tough stuff and the joy.

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