Hysterectomy – a wake up call.

by Bina Pattel, 52 yrs, London, UK 

At the age of 45 – I was 14 weeks pregnant, had a miscarriage and did not stop bleeding for 11 weeks. After 8 internal examinations by different doctors, I told my husband I would rather die than have another doctor examine me. I thought this was the worst time in my life. I had no idea that worse was yet to come.

I collapsed at home and the ambulance came and picked me up and dropped me off like a parcel on a stretcher to the super busy A & E department at the local hospital. I vaguely recall a nurse passing by me twice and looking concerned. She pulled my eyelid down, saw how pale I was, and went off in haste. Before I knew it, I was on a drip and told my blood count was very low and I needed 2 blood transfusions and there was no time other than to give my consent, which I did.

At no point did I ever consider the seriousness of what my body was telling me.

My periods started aged 11 and I had problems in that department throughout and did my best to ignore any symptoms. I thought it was normal that every month I was in severe pain and had heavy bleeding. Even 4 miscarriages made no difference to my mind, which was telling me: “Focus on getting your work done”, and that’s what I did. I had a mobile phone in one hand and a blood transfusion going in the other arm.

The truth was – I just could not stop. I was like a spinning top where you wind it up and let go and it keeps spinning. Even though I had physically been stopped, I could not stop the internal momentum. I hated it when someone told me to just: “Allow and be still”. What on earth did that mean or even look like or feel like?

Stillness for me was a word to describe lazy people, who were boring and laid back and could not multi-task. I was not one of them or even contemplating ever becoming a still woman. Yet I felt a tension in my body and that was felt as physical pain – the internal fight between who I was and what I chose to do. I was fighting a natural inner stillness, that is who I am as a woman, and over-riding it with motion. I was racing around doing three jobs and lots of commuting, adding to the non-stop doing, and nothing could stop me.

Fast forward 8 months later and I had a hysterectomy. I had been diagnosed with a fibroid tumour which could not be removed any other way, and I recall the surgeon saying that my ovaries would be left, as there was nothing wrong with them – like that was a bit of good news. All I wanted was to get on with my life like it was before all this happened. So I agreed to have my uterus and cervix removed.

Before the surgery I asked Serge Benhayon for help. I told him there was no pain, so I did not want the surgery. He recommended following the surgeon’s advice and was clear that having no pain did not mean the tumour was harmless. He was right and my surgeon confirmed this when he told me that my tumour had grown significantly in size and needed to be removed.

As my health had deteriorated so much, my husband gave up work to look after me and we were financially struggling; so again my mind kicked in with plans on how I could get better fast and start earning money. Of course that did not happen, but what did happen a few months after the surgery was I burnt my hand severely and this was another 3 months off work. I really loved the drama and the stress it brought, which distracted me from just surrendering and listening to my body and feeling the truth of what was there to be felt.

It really does not pay to ignore the signs when things are not feeling right with your body. How on earth did I think I was going to get away with 35 years of ignoring my periods and expecting to be ok? Yes I had endometriosis, cysts and fibroids but that never stopped me doing anything. These were all big fat signs to tell me something was clearly not right about the way I was living. At that time I did not know how to take care of myself, and I did not have a drop of self-love. Loving me was not my thing, as it just felt uncomfortable. It meant that I would need to pay attention to my body, which I deeply loathed and really had no time for. I was far too busy working and trying to save the world. I was constantly on the go looking to do the next thing and getting these physical conditions was a gross inconvenience, to say the least.

For the 6 years after the surgery I applied simple and practical ways, as presented by Serge Benhayon, to develop a connection with my body that led to a deeper level of stillness. I got an understanding that what was missing was the stillness – as my body had so much motion from all my years of being on the go – and that made sense to me. Of course my physical health started to change as the old way of living fell away.

What was really hard was learning how to stop during every single day and take time out to rest or just take a walk with me. What was even harder was learning to cook for myself and eat food that truly supported my body. The biggest change that helped me get to the stillness that I have today was looking at my sleep routine, which led me to waking up feeling me, not thinking I am superwoman and can multi-task and force things to happen.

Allowing myself to feel and using my body as a compass to guide me how to live really helped me to come back to me.

These simple truths have stayed with me; it has been a slow step-by-step process to have a real close relationship with my body, and now I finally know what stillness is.

I cannot turn back the clock, but what I can do now is live every day taking deep care of myself and this is what I have been doing and it works. I love myself deeply and would never choose to harm my body again – ever.

Today I feel a real woman who does have an inner stillness, which feels amazing and keeps me grounded.

The biggest tip I could give any woman, any age, who knows something is not right in the woman department is to first go and get it checked out with your GP and then consider how you are living that is possibly causing the issue.

Thank you sincerely to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all the amazing practitioners who, with the way they live their lives, are able to reflect that there is another way ­– and it starts with stillness.

 

You may also be interested to read this blog by Bina on the menopause:

http://womeninlivingness.com/2013/06/05/hot-hot-flushes-embracing-menopause/

1,195 thoughts on “Hysterectomy – a wake up call.

  1. Waking up and thinking that your are a superwoman who can do anything at the expense of your body and get away with it is, I reckon, a pretty normal state of living for many many women. And what strikes me about this is how you are actually a very super woman, you are strong and powerful in your expression and much much more, but none of this needs to come at the expense of your body.

  2. It is great how you share you did not know how to stop or take care of yourself as I suppose many women feel the same. And it shows how important it is for all of us to be aware that medical care alone is not it and must be complemented with self-care to see where and how this could happen in the first place. To basically show that there is another way than just keeping going.

  3. “I love myself deeply and would never choose to harm my body again – ever” – this is so profound and I really hear you, as I sometimes find myself being hard on myself because I was not being loving in my attempt to love myself, and that is the toxin I give myself the most.

    1. Great Fumiyo that this bit touched you about choosing never to harm my body again – ever.
      I know from past experience that hard thoughts made my body feel hard and it was polar opposite behaviour to the gentle natural state of my being. In other words, who I truly am.

      Next – I would just like to expand on your comment a bit more, as the blog is a bit old and there is now more to say.
      My take is that we have levels of self love and it is a forever deepening process, if we choose to allow things to unfold. So with this example – my intention to never harm my body is still there but the awareness has changed. By that I mean that I am more aware of things going on like foods I eat that may be harmful to my body.
      OR
      If a tiny thing like a knock happens and it is negligible to most, I would reflect on that and apologise to my body and take note of where it was on the body and have an internal conversation, not obsessive or anything like that but just so I can feel what happened and why, with no need to be critical or judgemental in any way.

      It would be true to say that the way I live will support me to continue knocking out even more self harm as in my world I now know – anything that is not Love is actually harm.

      1. Thankyou Bina for also reminding us about those little knocks and bumps we can so often have during our day, but equally so often ignore them as being nothing. Nothing is ever nothing as everything is everything and deserves our full attention if we are to really deepen the love and care we have for ourselves. More internal but tender conversations with myself are definitely on the agenda!

  4. It is quite gorgeous (and unfortunately and sadly too rare) to hear a woman state that she deeply loves herself. Thank you.

  5. ‘Loving me was not my thing’ – I can so relate to this, it wasn’t mine either, but equally I felt that there was something missing in my life, and tried every single distraction going to try to find this ‘thing’ – i.e this more to life that I knew must be out there, somewhere. What has been incredible is feeling that what I was looking for was actually with me all along: this complete sense of knowing who I am, this settlement and deep contentment that needs nothing to keep it going from the outside. I can’t say I live like this 100% of the time, but I at least now know what it feels like to live like this more than ever before, and the very simple choices I can make, like basically looking after myself, and loving myself more deeply, that are making this solid, real and practical way of being and feeling become a new level of normal.

  6. Thank you for sharing the reality of how it was for you a step-by-step process of building more awareness of your body and taking care of you and that it didn’t just all change overnight, but that it’s worth building that consistency of using your body as a compass in your way of living.

  7. It is so beautiful to acknowledge how our body keeps bringing us back to a stop until we finally get the message that we have to surrender to what the body needs and start living from the inside out, rather than the outside in.

  8. “Allowing myself to feel and using my body as a compass to guide me how to live really helped me to come back to me.” Our body really does tell us what we need to know – if we choose to listen and then make the necessary changes in our lifestyle.

  9. Recently I have been feeling very tired and under the weather and my body has been wanting to rest. At first I wanted to ignore these signs from my body to slow down but the feeling in my body became greater and greater till I had no choice but to rest. I was having restless sleep and getting up at midnight to do some work for a few hours before having to lie down again. Finally I surrendered and stopped pushing myself in any way and I had the best night for a long time. I realised that I was eating more than I needed too and sometimes the food I was choosing made me feel tired in and of itself. Pulling myself up and listening carefully to my body I began to get some life back and I feel now I have turned a corner so to speak but it has been a few weeks and I still feel to treat myself with the utmost care….not just now but from here on in.

  10. Bina I find your blog very humbling, as women we can do a LOT and we can multitask and work incredibly hard but it can never ever be at the sacrifice of a) the love we have for ourselves and b) the quality we have inside us.

  11. Action can get us very far but harms us when we overdo it. In my experience and Bina’s seems similar, when action replaces effectiveness we can (will?) get into trouble. Life is more than action.

  12. This is such a rock solid epic line: “Stillness for me was a word to describe lazy people, who were boring and laid back and could not multi-task.” Because I reckon this is how most people feel, and it goes to show the incredible importance of words chosen well for each person’s situation. That words cannot simply be flung around and expected to be understood. Everyone, we all, need to be communicated with both for where we are at in our respective journeys and for what potential we each hold. Thus is the art of a true and loving correspondence.

    1. Yes, words can be great pointers to the truth and very harmfully misleading. Either is very much possible.

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