Reflections after Chemotherapy

by Fiona McGovern, Isle of Arran, Scotland

I have just finished 18 weeks of weekly chemotherapy treatments for metastatic breast cancer.  (My breast cancer story is also on this blog under “Breast Cancer: knowing what I know now I would definitely do things differently”.) For me this means four hours travelling, part by boat and part by car, and so it all takes a full day. I now have time off and time to reflect.

For these 18 weeks I have sat in a day ward full of other women receiving their treatment. As soon as one seat is vacated another woman fills it. In the oncology waiting room it can be standing room only and you may have to allow hours to be seen.

I have felt how pressured the medics, the receptionists and the nurses are. I have also felt the anxiety of families, the anger of many of the women, the fear in some, the denial, the hoping, and the coping on the surface and in some the complete self-pitying and identification with the illness. I also sense in some there’s the attitude that life begins after chemo…. that we can get back to how things were before cancer and chemo….. 

I have learnt so much.

For me, life will not return to how it was.

With the support of Universal Medicine I have chosen another way to be, a natural way, a deeply nurturing and self-honouring way – one where I am committed to life here and now, including the chemotherapy.  So I am me when I wait to see the oncologist and when the nurse administers the medication, and as I am me, I feel the presence of love between myself and the oncologist, the nurse, the receptionist and the other patients.

I see each treatment as a date with divinity, where I have learnt to lovingly accept what the tumour and the medicine are doing to heal the lovelessness that was in my body.  It seems to say to me “Fiona, keep going, accept nothing less than true love”.  From believing Western Medicine had no role to play in healing, I have now learnt how essential it is if used alongside the esoteric, not as a way to numb out or not take responsibility for the choices I made, but as a true support for me to truly heal. From feeling a failure for having a tumour, I now see how much I am learning and enriching my life when I embrace it as divinity at work.

I now can feel the beauty of the support Western Medicine gives me to clear the ill energy I allowed in because I was afraid to express the true me. I have been blessed by the doctors I have met. They have been amazing in their support for this healing. I have also learnt to let people in without taking on board their stuff or trying to rescue them, which in itself is a miracle.  Also I am able to truly listen to those with and around me and to accept their choices and to offer them a different reflection by expressing with and from love. Having the tumour has slowed me down, made me say no to others and yes to me, made my relationships more fun, given me time to explore sides of my expression I had never made time for. It has cleared the arrogance of beliefs and ideals I held about health and healing and allowed me to find my own natural rhythm through life. It has reconnected me to me as a woman and a self-nurturing way of life. It has shown me how many emotions I had chosen to hold on to and how damaging that was and so much more – I am constantly learning.

So that’s why I smile when I have the chemotherapy and the other women comment –  “after six years you still smile, how inspiring.”

The latest scan shows all the lesions in the liver, lungs, axillary nodes, breast and chest wall are reducing and the bones are healing. The wound on the breast is dry now and almost healed over. The oncologist’s comment was two wows!  He felt I responded so well because of the deep care I take of myself and my body and because I had no other illnesses to complicate the picture.

For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.

What has made this change possible is having the support to be me, the true me. That support has come from Serge Benhayon and all the practitioners at Universal Medicine whom I have chosen to work with, allowing me to make true choices, and also the amazing support of the doctors and nurses.

During this latest chemotherapy I had a ritual of walking in nature, often by the shore and was inspired to draw this. For me, these walks are a way to feel the joy of simply living and a reminder that although sometimes life is not easy, the truth is always simple, beauty-full and there is always stillness if we choose to feel it. Nature reflects that for me.
During this latest chemotherapy I had a ritual of walking in nature, often by the shore and was inspired to draw this. For me, these walks are a way to feel the joy of simply living and a reminder that although sometimes life is not easy, the truth is always simple, beauty-full and there is always stillness if we choose to feel it. Nature reflects that for me.

396 thoughts on “Reflections after Chemotherapy

  1. Wow what a process of surrendering and letting go through allowing what was needed and embracing what was on offer. I love the point you shared about letting people in and not taking on their stuff, such an important part of self-love. – ‘ I have also learnt to let people in without taking on board their stuff or trying to rescue them, which in itself is a miracle.’

  2. There are so many gems of wisdom in this blog, so much learning shared, it’s like a deep surrender to love and truth with every step Fiona has made. It’s highlighted for me the preciousness of life, of each moment, but we may not realise this until we have a wake up call that jolts us out of the momentum of life. This is an amazing learning “I have also learnt to let people in without taking on board their stuff or trying to rescue them, which in itself is a miracle.”

  3. “WOW!!” When we get into the reality of the Love that we all are, miracles can happen and why not, are we all not here to learn how to return to the Love we all are and true healing comes from within when we reconnect to our essence, which is Love!! ‘WOW’!!!

  4. “For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.” This is one of the best approach to illness I’ve ever heard, I love how you understood there was an amazing opportunity of rediscovery in your cancer and that you grabbed it with both hands rather than the normal approach, which is to just try to recover and get back to normal as quickly as possible.

    1. Thanks Meg for your comment, I realised reading how we can approach many life situations that are challenging the same way, “to just try to recover and get back to normal as quickly as possible.” This has really highlighted for me the ways in which I miss seeing the opportunities inherent in challenges, and not realising that I can advance myself in the situation and come through it with even greater parts of myself reconnected to, rather than trying to ‘get through it’ so life can return to my previous normal.

      1. Yeh totally, it’s not just illnesses that offer us an enormous opportunity to reform our lives, we can advance ourselves massively through the daily challenges of life.

  5. There is such a tender grace and beauty in your words Fiona and now that you have passed over the legacy they leave is pure magic and power. Your learning lives on for all of us who follow, with or without cancer, and as women how we can connect to that same grace, wisdom, beauty and gentle joy. Thank you deeply for sharing yourself in this way.

  6. Simplicity, that is what I need to reconnect with more deeply, and just allow, simply. Beautiful sharing by Fiona, I love her writing. And every encounter is a date with divinity. And yes Liane, a functional life is mundane and doesn’t do justice to who we truly are.

  7. Although life is not always easy, the truth is always simple – I like that for the truth is always right there, in our inner heart, without complications or masks, just simple, pure and ready for us to feel.

    1. Thanks Viktoria for your comment and this is very true, “Although life is not always easy, the truth is always simple”.

      1. Sometimes I look at my comments and think to myself, did I really write that? What an amazing comment haha.

  8. When we surrender to the teachings of life in its variable forms, life can never be the same. This is what you did, Fiona, and this new understanding is what you now have and offer for others like me to be inspired by. Thank you for sharing it.

  9. There is much to be said with how we ARE when we have an illness – how do we respond, how do we move, how do we heal? What is shared here is a deepening of yourself and an acceptance in the reflection offered by the illness – which is so beautiful and presents a whole new way of how we can be with healing.

  10. There has been some more irresponsibly and lazy journalism about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, using tabloid style headlines. And then reading this today, I was like, why is this not making headlines? This is what should be on the front pages of papers, inspiring people to see there is another way to be with illness and disease. Serge Benhayon has supported you to take deep care of yourself and to understand the energetics behind your illness so you can heal from within to the best that you can.

  11. ‘the truth is always simple, beauty-full and there is always stillness if we choose to feel it.’ And that’s what I feel so clearly and strongly reading this blog, the simplicity of truth and how we can be us no matter what. I feel a woman being herself living her life, not a cancer patient or defined by having or not having that cancer … I feel a woman learning who she is and how each experience expands out her understanding of that; I feel a woman inspiring those around her (and me today) by her lived way.

  12. A beautiful article to read on taking responsibility for our choices, and being open to seeing how our choices affect our health, and how caring deeply for ourselves allows our body space to help the healing process.

  13. An amazing testament to the fact the regardless of how ever far we have travelled away from who we are in essence, living in a loveless ill momentum in the various ways we have chosen, what always remains true and untouched is the light of our Soul waiting for us to return to be moved by its love.

  14. This is so humbling. We are given so many opportunities to learn yet we keep making same mistakes, getting over a ‘problem’ of every size and volume but not really looking at or let alone dealing with what lies at their core. Such is love that knows we will return, more than our human mind can compute.

  15. I have so often heard people who have experienced illness and disease say they can’t wait to get back to normal – to living life as it was again. But is it possible the way they were living was an important factor in what has unfolded in their bodies. Definitely something to reflect on deeply for all of us.

  16. ‘For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.’ Reading this makes me humble and I feel how I can be more appreciative of my body giving me clear signals that I don’t need to strive to get better when there is an illness but to go inside myself and deepen the relationship with myself.

  17. “He felt I responded so well because of the deep care I take of myself and my body and because I had no other illnesses to complicate the picture.” This says it all really. When we truly work together with the doctors and do our part by deeply taking care of ourselves and loving ourselves there are amazing things possible.

    1. Well said Lieke. We do currently underestimate the innate and natural power of the body heal in order to return to harmony. And so it makes sense to support it so from every angle, beginning with developing and loving and honouring relationship with our body and being alongside the support of western and the complementary to medicine modalities of Universal Medicine.

  18. “I see each treatment as a date with divinity, where I have learnt to lovingly accept what the tumour and the medicine are doing to heal the lovelessness that was in my body. ” What a beautiful attitude to have with an appointment – for chemotherapy or any form of invasive medical support.

  19. I wonder what could be possible if we didn’t see illness and disease as us needing to be fixed, but instead saw it as an opportunity to deepen our relationship with ourselves and explore what life is really about – your approach to your illness is incredibly inspiring.

  20. This morning I am feeling how ingrained it is to catastrophise what happens in our life. We leap into the drama and miss the truth and wonder why we have ill health. If we can see the hand of God at play we will appreciate the deep beauty of others and each day.

  21. True healing is not about survival and death but about every choice we make in order to change the ill-behaviours that we choose to run our lives that led to the illness and disease to loving ones. When we see illness and disease in this light we then get to appreciate its teaching and accept it as a wonderful and magical blessing it is.

  22. If we were to treat each and every moment in life as a ‘date with divinity’ then we would vastly reduce the world health epidemics that so plague us a society today. Our greatest dis-ease is our denial of our multidimensional nature. From there, all other ill conditions seed forth.

    1. I love the idea of each moment being a date with divinity – how could doing the washing, or emptying the dishwasher ever be a mundane chore again?

  23. ” although sometimes life is not easy, the truth is always simple ”
    This is so true, truth is simple for it has no complication, for truth is already there, it does not need to be made up.

  24. ‘For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.’ This is very powerful Fiona, the healing is in the reconnecting back to our true selves and appreciating all the qualities we bring.

  25. To be an inspiration, when we are sick, to others that are sick shows the incredible love we are and how we are always there to inspire another, equally as we are to be inspired ourself by those we meet. It feels a beautiful cycle of connections and purpose that no matter what is going on, where we are – we are in able to be in true service.

  26. The greatest art or teaching we can learn in life is to surrender and heal. No matter our age, or stage of life it’s never too late to stop the momentum of ceaseless motion. If we don’t choose it, our body will let us know in no uncertain terms to stop. Appreciate these words shared by Fiona.

  27. Wow Fiona you inspire me anew each time, and your sharing moved me to tears .. the humbleness, the openness to learn and the willingness to see the beauty and the grace in the journey. You remind me that no matter what is going on out there, I am here, and I can choose to be me in the midst of it all. I can’t express how much support and inspiration I get reading this and how it brings me back to the simplicity of the truth, that we are simply here to be ourselves.

  28. I had a friend who passed away many years ago having had Leukaemia. Whilst she was undergoing treatment she had a wonderful attitude to life and there was a sense of joy in her that was hard to fathom. I was left with absolute certainty that there is more to life. She knew without doubt she was more than the body that was going through cancer and had clearly made a connection to this deeper aspect of herself. I have heard many people appreciate what they have learned from going through such a process – and be clearly thankful of the expanded level of awareness they have as a result.

  29. “I see each treatment as a date with divinity, where I have learnt to lovingly accept what the tumour and the medicine are doing to heal the lovelessness that was in my body.” When I read this sentence this morning it made me sit up straighter in my chair at the shear beauty of what is being described here which is the beauty of someone taking responsibility for their own healing. This to me is true medicine, the medicine of seeing that the way we are living is harming us and then taking responsibility for our choices when the harm we have done comes as a correction in the form of a tumour, broken bone, flu or whatever it is.

  30. These words inspire me to ask – why don’t we treat each and every day as a date with divinity? Is it possible we could see every moment as an opportunity to live Love, not an obligation or irritation put on us from us from above? If we see life this way, isn’t it possible that we might be healthy finally, regardless if we have a disease or not. The greatest illness is seeing life as a humdrum ordeal.

    1. We are not designed to live a mundane and functional life. We were breathed forth from the body of God as his equal but we took a detour that we must now all return from. There is only one way back to God and that is through living the love that we are, in all that we do. Only then can we resurrect what we have let fall – our innate and eternal divinity.

  31. I can totally recognise that waiting – waiting for something to happen before I commit to making changes, like, being me. We are so used to trying even being ourselves feels like a trying. There’s nothing to do but be, but we try hard nonetheless. It is very empowering when we can accept illnesses and diseases as opportunity for true healing.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s