I am sick, but I am feeling beautiful

By Danna Elmalah, Student Nurse, The Netherlands.

Today I woke up feeling absolutely sick. In the past I would have felt miserable and inefficient, because I could not ‘do’ anything. I used to only feel like I was ‘worth something’ if I was doing things. The more things I was able to do, the better I felt about myself, but once I was not doing anything I felt worthless and unhappy. But this time around I do not feel that any more; I have noticed that when my body is sick it is actually telling me something… and that when my body speaks to me and I am listening, all that ‘I can do’ seems to matter less and ‘who I am’ starts to mean more. Now, being myself is way more important than what I can do.

I will tell you how it all began…

I was used to always performing, doing, acting and being busy in life. My body was always hard and dense; I had little awareness of how my body felt at that time. I moved in a way that was tight, stressed and busy, not knowing of the effects that was having on my body. I was always trying to ‘do my best’. This was quite exhausting. The moment that I became sick it was hard for me to really settle down and be still and take a real rest. I was comparable to a bouncing ball; even though this was not always visible from the outside, I always felt anxious and bumpy.

I had a drive to do things, always looking ahead of me to what ‘exciting’ thing there was to come. This thought helped me survive till the moment came. But after the event I always felt unhappy; it felt incomplete. Therefore I tried my best to do more exciting things, as I thought that this might help. But nothing really helped. I began to feel even more sad and lonely.

Then there was always a moment where I would become sick again. This terrified me even more, because this time I had no ‘excitement’ to reach out for; I was confronted with feeling my loneliness (my lack of connection and satisfaction with myself), simply just by having to be with myself. That might sound not so bad, but at that time I had troubles with feeling myself and being alone. When I was alone, I would feel the emptiness inside me and feel very uncomfortable.

When being sick, as well as the fever, heavy head, nausea, pain in my stomach or throat, I actually felt uneasy and emotional too. These mixed up feelings made being sick even more intense. At that time I did not know how to deal with being sick, I actually did not know how to be with myself. The only remedy I used at that time was sitting it out and watching TV. And then the cycle would continue.

But I have broken the cycle, and this has been the most loving choice I have ever made. I came across the work of Serge Benhayon, who is the founder of Universal Medicine. He brought me a new way of life, and many tools to be more in connection with myself. I was intrigued, as I could feel continuing this lonely cycle was hurting a lot. I decided that I was in for a change and that I would give it a go. I have chosen to listen to my body…What? I did not even really understand that phrase at first, but now it actually makes sense.

Being sick has offered me an opportunity to feel what was actually happening in my life, that I was living in drive and stress. My body actually woke me up, letting me know that something in my daily living was not right. I learned to become more honest and listen to signals that my body was sending. Such as: pain in my stomach, pain in my arms, or a heavy head. I was asked to be more aware of what I was doing with my body that actually made it feel this way.

At first I had to learn not to react to what I was feeling, I had to stay with my body and listen carefully. Every single signal I was picking up, allowed me to understand more about my body, it allowed me to look deeper into what effects my choices had on my body. I received support from Universal Medicine by all its teachings and from sessions with Esoteric Practitioners. I was being asked to look in more detail at my relationship with my body and the responsibility I have to take care of it. This touched me, because I could feel I had abandoned my body a long, long time ago. That I even forgot that I am responsible for it! To me, coming back to these feelings, all brought to me tears of joy in my eyes, as I knew I could finally change it.

So I wondered. When I became sick again, would I have a different relationship with ‘being sick’ and so with my body? And my answer is ‘Yes!’

By having a more truthful understanding and connection with my body, I felt what being sick actually means for me.

I recently became very sick with having the flu, my body felt really sore and unwell. I felt so uneasy. Yet, I could feel that there was something underneath that was drawing my attention. I could feel that my body stopped me, wanting my attention for how I had lived so far, and that it was tired. When feeling this, I could feel it was absolutely right, I had walked around with my body doing all those things, yet I had paid very little attention to how I was moving myself. I caught myself in moving and walking in a way that was out of rhythm, out of connection with myself. To give a bit of an idea, it would look like a marionette doing certain movements it was actually not meant to do. Literally I was breaking down my body in this way. Being able to feel this, I felt a huge responsibility and I sensed that I needed to take more care of my body. My body actually needed love – it needed to be treated with love – by ME! I was not surprised, but I actually felt empowered by this message. I now choose to be aware of my movements and how I am with myself. I make sure I take moments to stop and check in with how I am feeling, to connect with myself. I am learning to not react to choices I have made that I know are not good for me, but to be with myself and look from there how to make even more loving choices.
Today, I am sick, but actually with feeling all of this, I feel beautiful. I know that I am so much more than an illness, and that it’s my body’s way of showing me that I have more love to give to myself.

Thank you incredibly much Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, for showing that there is another way – a deep and loving way to be with oneself, and to treat the body with absolute care.

The way I am with myself now, also when I am sick, is:

  • Healing: by allowing my body to let go of anything that it has been running around with, due to choices I have made that were breaking it down instead of supportive.
  • Honest: looking honestly at why I have become sick, and what I am feeling. Example: when I feel lethargic, I could feel that this emotion was not only because of the fact that I was sick, but actually an emotion I was holding in my day-to-day living.
  • Precious: it might sound a bit out of context here, but I feel that while I am sick I am actually more sensitive and able to feel and accept that I am fragile. When I connect to myself in this fragility, I actually feel that I am precious and that my body is that too.
  • Honouring: I honour the fact that my body stopped me to look at and feel how I have been looking after myself, what has happened the last days/week or even months.
  • Appreciating: I stand still and appreciate that even though I am sick I am absolutely wonderful, even if I feel like a mess! I seem to appreciate the glimpse of purity in my eyes, this always helps me to surrender to being sick and feel my body pains.

I must say that I was walking the last days in nature, and the sentence that came to me was: ‘I am sick, but I am feeling beautiful.’ This sounded quite odd to me, but I actually felt that this was true. For the first time in my life I actually felt very sick, but at the same time I felt so deeply beautiful.

Being sick, but knowing that I am beautiful no matter what, now is the best feeling I have and can support myself with. Therefore I no longer hold on to what I did wrong or can or cannot do now. I simply accept the fact that I am responsible for how I am feeling, how my body is doing and what state I am in. This feels real and true, as I know now the way I am with myself while I am sick and when I am not; I can take care of myself to make sure that even though I might have disregarded my body, I can take care of it now. I always remind myself of the fact: That I am beautiful, also when I am sick, and that I deserve to absolutely care for myself in the most loving way.

Thank you Serge Benhayon for always supporting me, and being there in my life. I appreciate every minute that I have spent on any workshop, presentation, course or sound recording by Universal Medicine. Without the teachings and modalities of Universal Medicine, I would still be in that cycle of making myself sick over and over again and being miserable with it. Instead now I make sure I look after my body every day, and I actually enjoy it and if I get sick, I understand why and I still feel beautiful.

 

Read more:

  1. Is true beauty really in the eye of the beholder? 
  2. Truly, deeply beautiful 
  3. Your body tells the truth

 

 

964 thoughts on “I am sick, but I am feeling beautiful

  1. If we are not defined by how we feel, but heed the communication from the body to seek care and medical support true healing can be sought.

  2. My first reaction when I am sick or have something physical is usually: ‘what have I done wrong?’ I always have to come back to an observation and then ask myself what is my body communicating here, what is on offer? And it is magical how the energetic part supports the healing of the physical. When I had an inflamed right eyelid 2 weeks ago, I ceased in a day as soon as I was willing to look at what I had allowed my spirit to get away with.

  3. I really had to learn that life is not only about doing things to get appreciation and recognition, but that my quality of being is what counts most and influences thereafter anything I will do.

  4. I so love this sentence:
    ‘My body actually needed love – it needed to be treated with love – by ME!’
    This goes for all of us, all of the time. And when you practice this your body is super grateful and reveals its preciousness more and more.

  5. I too have learned to listen to my body and have a huge appreciation for it. I find that whenever I have some big project on or an important meeting my body is well and vibrant and ready for whatever is needed and I enjoy that. At other times when the space is there it tells me that today it needs to work at a slower pace and rest more and I respect and enjoy that too.

  6. Wow such a great blog, when we let ourselves accept where we are, feel what is coming up and truly feel the body then this actually opens the doors for a much deep healing that is on offer if we really choose it.

  7. This is wonderful to read, about how you no longer will react to illnesses in your body, but rather welcome it for them lessons that they bring.

  8. We are so ingrained in our momentum of doing that we truly can feel worthless when ill because do we even deserve time off from work? It’s crazy that this is what the norm of our society has come to, the driven state of our bodies which only thinks about the next do, do, do. There is no care but simply a desire for recognition, a need for another to pat us on the back and to feel acknowledged. That is a bigger illness than anything that manifests in the physical body.

    1. We look everywhere for recognition and acknowledgement because we don’t give it to ourselves. In that state even if we receive it, it does not satisfy or we don’t believe it. When we start to care for and appreciate ourselves we don’t need to get it from others and in fact start to appreciate and consider others much more too.

  9. Inspiring to read how you’ve changed your relationship with being sick to one where instead of just focusing on the issue, i.e. the feeling sick, and wishing you weren’t feeling it, you focused on everything that was there to appreciate, instead. We decide how amazing our lives are, by how we react or respond to whatever happens, and whatever we feel, along the way.

  10. You say you used to only think you are worth something if you were doing things. I think many if not most people share that idea which in itself is a sickness!

  11. Are we living in a way that makes us sick? There is much we can do to make choices that assist and support our livingness which helps us enjoy life fully, and if we do get sick, we need to look back and see what it was in our livingness that resulted in our body bringing us to a stop in order to take stock of how we arrived there.

  12. As odd as this may well sound, I love a good sickness. It is akin to the raging clouds that clear the thickened atmosphere so that fresh air may once more be breathed into the lungs.

  13. I wonder sometimes how we use the word sick. For example if our body gives us a message that we need to rest that seems like quite healthy message and we might call it being sick versus perhaps someone who keeps pushing on without listening to their body and might think they are healthy but that is a sickness.

  14. Thank you for the links. I realise how much more I could do for my body, what a great friend I could be to it.

  15. This is brilliant the way that you have exposed the fact that the more doing and doing that we can drive ourselves to do mostly leads to feelings of loneliness.

  16. I love how you have described sickness as being a message from the body that it is needing more love from us. The body responds so well to being loved.

  17. If we approach sickness not as in inconvenience but as an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves there’s a possibility of approaching life with a whole new clarity once we recover.

  18. After surgery a few years ago, despite my body being weak and more fragile, I actually felt clearer and more tender and open than I had for a long time. Fragility and vulnerability can mean a different kind of strength.

  19. I love your approach to sickness, such a different way of regarding it. Rather than seeking a quick fix you listened to your body, honouring it and appreciating it for what it told you. Beautiful blog.

  20. This is such a different approach to sickness than we have been brought up to perceive it. It seems the more surrender we can allow during sickness the more we feel the clearing it offer.

  21. I’m watching a member of my family growing older. Her body is becoming more and more fragile, but her soul is getting stronger and stronger. She is shining brighter than ever before. Our body is our home, but we are actually a soul living in our body. We can be healthy inside even if our body is disintegrating.

  22. A great reminder that even when things are not going well, if we’re sick or have things not go as we expect, we can still choose to live and feel the beauty of who we are … that doesn’t go away despite what might be going on, we need to be deeply honest about what the stop is presenting to us and feel our next steps .. how do we move, and to see that actually in that moment we are being called to give more love to ourselves. Thank you for a gorgeous blog.

  23. Holding on to something or someone no doubt has an impact on our health and wellbeing. Being aware of holding on to anything in life creates moments or opportunities to let go and it is through this letting go and surrendering, that restores vitality and health within the body.

  24. It’s so true that after recovering from sickness we often feel a lot clearer in our body, but do we stop to appreciate this or notice how it changes our life and attitude, or do we go straight to the vices we know will bring us right back to the point we were at just before getting ill?

  25. When I was sick (I don’t often get sick these days) I used to welcome it, especially as a teenager, purely for the fact it did give me an opportunity to stop without feeling guilty about it. (This in itself says a lot about the pace of life and the drive we don’t like but align with). I would love to spend hours in my room just resting, reading a book or allowing myself to sleep. During these times I didn’t really appreciate what I was appreciating otherwise I may have made some different choices when I was well! Ironically it was when I was at school or out in the world that I struggled most with myself – being forced to opt for self-nurture was a time to connect and to confirm, but it was something I struggled to maintain when I was up again.

  26. I can totally relate to this feeling Danna. There is nothing quite like knowing that you are releasing accumulated toxin from your system (letting go of energetic poison) and the clarity and clearness felt at the completion of the process is well worth it! Much like how the air looks, smells and feels after a storm has rolled through it.

  27. I totally get what you are saying, during the Christmas break I was ill, I had to really feel in to the reason why, when did I override the signals my body was giving me, and why? It didn’t take me long to work out that I had pushed my body too hard, I tried to do everything without honouring my body and taking a rest when it needed one, and consequently I was ill, my body brought me to a stop, in fact I ended up taking an extra week off because I could feel my body was telling me I needed to change my rhythm before I went back to work.

  28. It is such an incredible feeling, having something come up to clear but at the same time feeling great if not amazing. It turns the whole feeling sick on its head and when we embrace the clearing then a deeper healing can take place.

  29. Like you Danna, I’ve come to appreciate my body far more than I ever did. In that appreciation it’s like anything is possible, and whilst I may have my body feeling sick inside I can feel alive. It’s the beautiful feeling of aliveness when sick that is so different to feeling dead when sick. All of this comes from the care in how I live that means that whatever comes up I feel prepared to deal with it.

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