By Danna Elmalah, Student Nurse, The Netherlands.
Today I woke up feeling absolutely sick. In the past I would have felt miserable and inefficient, because I could not ‘do’ anything. I used to only feel like I was ‘worth something’ if I was doing things. The more things I was able to do, the better I felt about myself, but once I was not doing anything I felt worthless and unhappy. But this time around I do not feel that any more; I have noticed that when my body is sick it is actually telling me something… and that when my body speaks to me and I am listening, all that ‘I can do’ seems to matter less and ‘who I am’ starts to mean more. Now, being myself is way more important than what I can do.
I will tell you how it all began…
I was used to always performing, doing, acting and being busy in life. My body was always hard and dense; I had little awareness of how my body felt at that time. I moved in a way that was tight, stressed and busy, not knowing of the effects that was having on my body. I was always trying to ‘do my best’. This was quite exhausting. The moment that I became sick it was hard for me to really settle down and be still and take a real rest. I was comparable to a bouncing ball; even though this was not always visible from the outside, I always felt anxious and bumpy.
I had a drive to do things, always looking ahead of me to what ‘exciting’ thing there was to come. This thought helped me survive till the moment came. But after the event I always felt unhappy; it felt incomplete. Therefore I tried my best to do more exciting things, as I thought that this might help. But nothing really helped. I began to feel even more sad and lonely.
Then there was always a moment where I would become sick again. This terrified me even more, because this time I had no ‘excitement’ to reach out for; I was confronted with feeling my loneliness (my lack of connection and satisfaction with myself), simply just by having to be with myself. That might sound not so bad, but at that time I had troubles with feeling myself and being alone. When I was alone, I would feel the emptiness inside me and feel very uncomfortable.
When being sick, as well as the fever, heavy head, nausea, pain in my stomach or throat, I actually felt uneasy and emotional too. These mixed up feelings made being sick even more intense. At that time I did not know how to deal with being sick, I actually did not know how to be with myself. The only remedy I used at that time was sitting it out and watching TV. And then the cycle would continue.
But I have broken the cycle, and this has been the most loving choice I have ever made. I came across the work of Serge Benhayon, who is the founder of Universal Medicine. He brought me a new way of life, and many tools to be more in connection with myself. I was intrigued, as I could feel continuing this lonely cycle was hurting a lot. I decided that I was in for a change and that I would give it a go. I have chosen to listen to my body…What? I did not even really understand that phrase at first, but now it actually makes sense.
Being sick has offered me an opportunity to feel what was actually happening in my life, that I was living in drive and stress. My body actually woke me up, letting me know that something in my daily living was not right. I learned to become more honest and listen to signals that my body was sending. Such as: pain in my stomach, pain in my arms, or a heavy head. I was asked to be more aware of what I was doing with my body that actually made it feel this way.
At first I had to learn not to react to what I was feeling, I had to stay with my body and listen carefully. Every single signal I was picking up, allowed me to understand more about my body, it allowed me to look deeper into what effects my choices had on my body. I received support from Universal Medicine by all its teachings and from sessions with Esoteric Practitioners. I was being asked to look in more detail at my relationship with my body and the responsibility I have to take care of it. This touched me, because I could feel I had abandoned my body a long, long time ago. That I even forgot that I am responsible for it! To me, coming back to these feelings, all brought to me tears of joy in my eyes, as I knew I could finally change it.
So I wondered. When I became sick again, would I have a different relationship with ‘being sick’ and so with my body? And my answer is ‘Yes!’
By having a more truthful understanding and connection with my body, I felt what being sick actually means for me.
I recently became very sick with having the flu, my body felt really sore and unwell. I felt so uneasy. Yet, I could feel that there was something underneath that was drawing my attention. I could feel that my body stopped me, wanting my attention for how I had lived so far, and that it was tired. When feeling this, I could feel it was absolutely right, I had walked around with my body doing all those things, yet I had paid very little attention to how I was moving myself. I caught myself in moving and walking in a way that was out of rhythm, out of connection with myself. To give a bit of an idea, it would look like a marionette doing certain movements it was actually not meant to do. Literally I was breaking down my body in this way. Being able to feel this, I felt a huge responsibility and I sensed that I needed to take more care of my body. My body actually needed love – it needed to be treated with love – by ME! I was not surprised, but I actually felt empowered by this message. I now choose to be aware of my movements and how I am with myself. I make sure I take moments to stop and check in with how I am feeling, to connect with myself. I am learning to not react to choices I have made that I know are not good for me, but to be with myself and look from there how to make even more loving choices.
Today, I am sick, but actually with feeling all of this, I feel beautiful. I know that I am so much more than an illness, and that it’s my body’s way of showing me that I have more love to give to myself.
Thank you incredibly much Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, for showing that there is another way – a deep and loving way to be with oneself, and to treat the body with absolute care.
The way I am with myself now, also when I am sick, is:
- Healing: by allowing my body to let go of anything that it has been running around with, due to choices I have made that were breaking it down instead of supportive.
- Honest: looking honestly at why I have become sick, and what I am feeling. Example: when I feel lethargic, I could feel that this emotion was not only because of the fact that I was sick, but actually an emotion I was holding in my day-to-day living.
- Precious: it might sound a bit out of context here, but I feel that while I am sick I am actually more sensitive and able to feel and accept that I am fragile. When I connect to myself in this fragility, I actually feel that I am precious and that my body is that too.
- Honouring: I honour the fact that my body stopped me to look at and feel how I have been looking after myself, what has happened the last days/week or even months.
- Appreciating: I stand still and appreciate that even though I am sick I am absolutely wonderful, even if I feel like a mess! I seem to appreciate the glimpse of purity in my eyes, this always helps me to surrender to being sick and feel my body pains.
I must say that I was walking the last days in nature, and the sentence that came to me was: ‘I am sick, but I am feeling beautiful.’ This sounded quite odd to me, but I actually felt that this was true. For the first time in my life I actually felt very sick, but at the same time I felt so deeply beautiful.
Being sick, but knowing that I am beautiful no matter what, now is the best feeling I have and can support myself with. Therefore I no longer hold on to what I did wrong or can or cannot do now. I simply accept the fact that I am responsible for how I am feeling, how my body is doing and what state I am in. This feels real and true, as I know now the way I am with myself while I am sick and when I am not; I can take care of myself to make sure that even though I might have disregarded my body, I can take care of it now. I always remind myself of the fact: That I am beautiful, also when I am sick, and that I deserve to absolutely care for myself in the most loving way.
Thank you Serge Benhayon for always supporting me, and being there in my life. I appreciate every minute that I have spent on any workshop, presentation, course or sound recording by Universal Medicine. Without the teachings and modalities of Universal Medicine, I would still be in that cycle of making myself sick over and over again and being miserable with it. Instead now I make sure I look after my body every day, and I actually enjoy it and if I get sick, I understand why and I still feel beautiful.