Medical Diagnosis and how the mind can take you on a scary roller coaster ride…

by RB, massage therapist, mother, artist, business owner, Goonellabah, NSW

I recently had my first hospital experience and since then I have been on a roller coast ride that I created myself in my mind.

I had severe swelling around my spinal cord that was causing nerve damage to my left leg, digestive system and urinary system, so that I could not walk or pee properly. I left the hospital with a wheelie walker and was taught how to use intermittent catheters each time my bladder was full.

When the doctors first told me I had transverse myelitis I researched all about it, and I got so into it, the fear of it all and the “what ifs”. Then I went to see a Neurologist 3 hours drive away, the next step in the process, and she was certain that I have what is known as Neuromyelitis optica (NMO). I then research this, join Facebook pages and really investigate it. I get so into it, that I become it. I am no longer me. I have suddenly allowed myself to be NMO. I am planning what will happen with my 10 year old daughter when I am in a wheel chair and who will take care of her when I die.

 I even start to wonder if I am making up the symptoms because I am reading about them!

That is just how tricky the mind can be, if you let it take over and take control. I was so sad and scared the other evening and then I had a moment of realization. I felt for a moment that I was a puppet being played and I was not actually in control. Ah, and I have always been a bit of a control freak. I guess that’s why I want to research and know everything about this disease – to be able to explain it and predict exactly what will happen next.

All this thinking was in fact a distraction from just feeling what my body was signalling to me. I feel it is asking me to slow down. It is showing me that the way I have been living, in constant push, always busy, always taking on more than necessary, is not okay.

My body has given me signals in the past, but living by the beliefs and ideals of being a “solo parent”, and a “good strong reliable worker” has made me override, and not listen to what my body is asking so clearly. Instead I have ignored my body and carried on working hard, sacrificing my health by just ‘doing’ more and more. The doing brought me recognition and money and I had made that more important than my health.

The extra stress, the energy wasted on the “what ifs”…. all of this was just a distraction from me being able to really rest and just allow myself to feel. I started to realise that all this thinking and doing was not actually helping me at all, and in fact it was harming. The level of exhaustion that over time I had just gotten used to, was what was causing my body to react in such a serious way and I could not continue to exhaust it in any way or entertain any form of crazy thinking.

Why is it that when we are not doing, we do not feel as though we are enough?

Why is it that we don’t feel that Being is enough?

Why do we listen to those voices that are telling us we are lazy, when we know so well that we are far from lazy, and that to stop and rest is just a natural loving thing to do for the body?

Why do we feel guilty to stop?

I have been considering all of these things lately.

And then comes the next learning.

I went back into hospital for some more tests and the doctor says I may not actually have NMO, it may be something completely different. This time, the risks from the proposed treatment are that if it goes wrong, I could end up as a paraplegic. My mind goes off on another roller coaster ride of “what ifs”. I want to run and research, but before I do that, I decide to just be still, to not keep doing what stresses me out and does not actually make me feel good.

So instead I sit down with one of my favourite books from Serge Benhayon, and I just read. I then sit quietly in the sunshine and have this “aha” moment.

Science as we know it does not have all the answers, and the answers we do have are forever changing. The doctors don’t have all the answers either. I can either accept this, embrace it and surrender or I can continue to want answers, to try to control, fix and go into my mind again.

This time I thought I would try something different. This time I decided not to go into fear, not to go into the story and drama of it all, but to just let my body be. To just let the doctors do their best, and for me to take responsibility for my part, which is to surrender, listen and allow. I may not have listened to my body in the past, I may have treated it with disrespect, but I can change that now. Its up to me. I can either make this next part of my life one that is full of drama and fear, or I can enjoy each moment, and really focus my energy on the real things in life – the people around me and the love that is there.

Two weeks later I felt a lot stronger. In letting go of the need to control, and making a choice to be in my body instead of lost in my mind over this time was really healing. My leg got stronger and I was able to walk better each and every day. I did have moments where I would go back into my mind, but I was committed to not getting caught up in it. So I treated myself like a cute child that had to be reminded that there was no need to go there, telling myself, “ just stay here with your body.”

After two weeks I had not heard from the doctors, so I decided to play my own part and follow this up.

The doctor at the hospital near where I lived said he would follow up on it and later called me in to see him. He showed me all the MRI scans and informed me that I didn’t have an autoimmune disease or an issue that required me to have an operation that had the risk of causing paraplegia. He said that what I had was something that I had had since birth. There is a ‘cavernous malformation’, which is a collection of abnormal blood vessels and this had bled spontaneously. He said some people go through life like that without knowing they have it and also that there is a chance that it may happen again but he thought there was nothing that I could do to prevent it. He said there was no need for me to see the Neurologist again, or to see him, and that I should just go back to living life as I was before.

I walked out feeling a sense of there is no way I can go back to living life as I was before. For me, it was a blessing that my body took the use of my legs away. It was the only way my body could get me to fully stop and re-evaluate how I was living. The rushing, the pushing, the constant drive was not allowing me to feel a thing and in that, I was not aware of the damage I was causing to not only to myself, but to my daughter and everyone around me.

I can see now how I put myself on a number of roller coaster rides that were unnecessary had I just stayed with my body and the present moment – a great learning.

This experience has been the beginning of a great healing for me.

719 thoughts on “Medical Diagnosis and how the mind can take you on a scary roller coaster ride…

  1. The mind just makes up stories while the body knows the truth. The more we listen to the body the more we will give the mind its rightful place. We have denied the wisdom of the body for far too long whilst giving reverence to the mind but where has it gotten us? The state that humanity is in right now is surely an indication what we are doing is simply not working. We cannot think our way out of the mess we are collectively in; if we could we would have done it long ago. Isn’t it time to consider that what we carry in our bodies, for example our hurts, is in fact affecting how we live and that if we healed those hurts we would in fact change the way we are in life?

    1. As I was reading your comment Elizabeth, I was thinking of how much mental ill health is on the rise and how we have so much knowledge these days but as you say, the mind and all that it knows is not changing the statistics on health. We really do need to come back to our bodies and from there, feel and make other choices as the current ones clearly are not bringing very good results.

    2. Those mind games are often what leads us on to the path of doubt that when fueled, sends us on a goose chase that long term can present itself through overwhelm and anxiety. We just have to observe the rates of fatigue and illness and disease in our current world to note that something is not quite right anymore.

  2. Rosie, great blog with lots to discuss here and I am sure something many can relate with especially with the technology we have today and the term ‘google it’ in that if we are diagnosed with something how quick are we to jump onto the internet to research it and then as you have shared the mind goes off on a rollercoaster with the information found. I have done this over many different things and it is so harming for us, aiming to take us away completely from the truth that we hold within our bodies. You are spot on when with this ‘I started to realise that all this thinking and doing was not actually helping me at all, and in fact it was harming.’ The moment you took to be still and listen as you did that one time in the sunshine reading one of Serge Benhayon’s book was a moment of you coming back to you and the truth within. Also I have seen this so many times with people especially with ‘solo parents’ where there is a constant stress that is put on themselves that they have to ‘do everything’ ‘but living by the beliefs and ideals of being a “solo parent”, and a “good strong reliable worker” has made me override, and not listen to what my body is asking so clearly.’ What I have learnt and am starting to learn even more (from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine) is that if we accept, embrace and surrender instead of trying to control and fix, this is what gives us the space to be more of ourselves and to also feel and see that we are supported and loved and not ‘doing it on our own’!

    1. Yes, it is up to me to accept and allow others to support me. In the past, I didn’t ever allow that and therefore was stuck on my own and in my own created isolated situation of being a solo parent.

    2. The mind can be very harmful when we put it into a state of fear. The potential for ideas and stories to build can occur instantly putting the body into great stress and alarm. It is interesting to note here that when we go into reaction logic can often go out the door and true understanding is nowhere in the equation. The truth is no doubt within and a simple moment of coming back to ourselves may seem daunting at the moment of panic or fear yet it is this knowing that gives us the opportunity to connect to the truth.

      1. Logic comes from the mind and not the body and can often get in the way from what we naturally know and feel.

  3. It is so easy to look something up on the Internet and get caught up in ticking all the symptoms, you end up thinking you have the worst case scenario of the illness which then makes you more stressed than before. Leaving the Internet alone is a very wise choice, and concentrating on just being with yourself, gives your body a chance to rest and get ready for the next stage whatever that may be.

  4. It is quite scary how our mind can take us on a ‘roller coaster’, taking us away from listening and responding to what our bodies are telling us. Thank you RB for the reminder not to override the messages from our bodies.

    1. It is quite simple, the more we over ride, the louder the body becomes. From my experience it pays to listen even to the subtle messages.

  5. The mind has a way of filling in all the pictures, and as you say RB we can live into the drama or stop and go to the body and surrender to our own wisdom from within in trusting the messages we are being given loud and clear.

  6. ‘I walked out feeling a sense of “there is no way I can go back to living life as I was before.” For me, it was a blessing that my body took the use of my legs away. It was the only way my body could get me to fully stop and re-evaluate how I was living.’ Beautiful how you realised that your choices had to change, and how you took heed of your body’s communication.

  7. The guilt of not stopping is a BIG one for women. Being caught up in the “busy mode” is socially acceptable as the way to be. For many stress and not coping with life or always being “on the go” is often championed as the way life is. Thank you for exposing that the body speaks another language and illness and disease is the true marker and the stop moment that gives all an opportunity to take two and the choices to change the way we live.

    1. No one is going to stop us for us… We have to make that choice and in doing so, we become role models for others, letting them know that they too can stop.

  8. When we leave our bodies that is when anxiousness creeps in, so staying with the body, listening to its needs and honoring that we come back to a presence that is more powerful than any disease.

  9. A mind left to wander does so at great expense to the body and the wisdom contained therein. I’m sure we can all relate to your experience RB, of withdrawing from our body in the sense we are not so consciously present in it anymore so that the mind, which seems to have a will of its own, takes us on a nightmarish ride ‘to hell and back’, while our body simply waits for its return so that together they can be working in synergy with each other as one harmonious unit of expression.

  10. Don’t get me wrong: I love and appreciate medicine and doctors but I also know science is not the be all and end all and it of course skips over a prime factor in all illness and disease – the root energetic cause, without which a condition cannot emerge. It also overlooks the possibility of an outcome that defies the odds, and that in illness lies a message and a healing for us, if we are prepared to go there.

    1. I agree with you completely, and that is why both Esoteric Medicine and Western Medicine, when worked with together, can offer the most supportive way of healing. We need both at times and one without the other really is not going to work. I know this from my own experience. I most definitely needed both to support me to heal.

  11. That old saying of – “your legs were taken from under you” certainly came to mind when I was reading this blog. Sometimes our body has to get a bit more dramatic to make us sit up and take notice. Thank God for the body and the truth that it can and does reveal to us.

    1. Exactly Elizabeth, and I often remind myself that if I don’t listen, my body will be very loud and I think back to when it took my ability to walk away as a massive wake up call!

  12. Reading this line, I can feel how we can get into identifying ourselves with anything ‘I get so into it, that I become it. I am no longer me’ … it can be a disease, a job, a role in life, a way of seeing ourselves which is not true, a behaviour, but none of this is us, and often times we are offered those things which might initially freak us out as a stop to consider how we are and how we live and to take the time to feel our bodies and the truth they show us of how we live.

  13. A great picture of how we can be so lead by our minds into whole worlds of ‘this may happen’…. These thoughts really are insidious and have to be taken to task, as it can be so easy to ‘entertain’ these pictures, with the resultant stress that is literally conjured up out of nothing.

    1. Yes and now 3 years later, I am not in anyway, blind, in a wheel chair or dying… so the pictures I had, and the fear that I went into were all a waste of time and energy!

  14. ‘I can either make this next part of my life one that is full of drama and fear, or I can enjoy each moment, and really focus my energy on the real things in life – the people around me and the love that is there.’ This is big as a lot of people identify themselves with their illness and become their illness, there is nothing but their illness, working in the community as a nurse I have seen how this is not only detrimental for their own health and wellbeing but puts an enormous pressure on the people around them because from that moment on, the focus is on the illness and the ‘what if’. You could say they stop to truly live life but are caught in their own small world.

    1. Yes we have to remember that we are who we are first and foremost and yes we may have an illness or be going through some form of disease, but that illness or disease is not who we are and we don’t have to give ourselves over to it.

  15. It is rare to hear someone say that they feel blessed for having an illness, but could it be that by being open to what the illness has to show us and then taking responsibility for how we are living, there develops a deeper understanding of the situation, along with appreciation.

  16. This is a great presentation of how what we are feeling/experiencing is not ‘all in the mind’ but rather how our mind can be the cause of what we are feeling/experiencing.

    1. I wrote a quote the other day…Left to itself, the mind can be reckless and cause a lot of havoc and should come with warning signs. Do not let loose, only use in combination with body at all times! RB

  17. A great example of how we can be lead by our mind’s pictures, and how these pictures can really run amok and create havoc in our lives…. At some stage we all have to return to the connection within that frees us from this dysfunctional tyranny.

  18. When life gets intense for any reason we have a choice. We can go into reaction to it and then seek the myriad of different behaviours out there to relieve ourselves of the tension, whether it be food, or hobbies or knowledge seeking or exercise, booze, drugs whatever. We can feel completely justified in doing this of course but does it really help or support us to deal with the situation? Or the other option is to stop and connect and feel what is really going on and why it might be happening and then respond by moving in a way that supports this learning and deepening our connection with our bodies and with ourselves.

    1. I just realised that we really do justify way too much instead of just being honest and knowing. There really is no need to justify anything….. especially not beating up our bodies because we have had a tough time.. that is like hitting it harder than what it was already hit with!

  19. Wow, what a story – and an incredible healing. No doctor can prescribe what you learned. I related to what you said about using the internet to learn more. While it can be a helpful tool, of course, it seems that it can also always lead you to believe the worst! Your story is a real lesson for everyone.

    1. The internet is not always true and is often sensationalised and full of emotion and drama. I still get caught out by it often.

  20. Beautiful RB – it is amazing how giving a name, and a specific set of symptoms to a medical state, can send us into a panic and a belief that it is ‘our fate’ to suffer (or even die) at the hands of some terrible or horrific outbreak. Our mind can certainly conjure up all sorts of scenarios. When you look at this, you would have to say that the greatest disease we suffer from is the point of view that illness is ‘bad’ and something to be feared. Ultimately, our true diagnosis should have much more to do, with not living in a way that we know to be true. These melodrama’s we create are part of the same soap opera that we lived before we were ill. So much better can come as you show, if we just get honest and cut this rollercoaster show.

  21. The overriding of the body because of beliefs like parenting and working hard is a fairly common thing. So much so that many people don’t even know they are doing so – it is simply what is done and you are considered a good parent and a good worker, not just by yourself but by society also. But where does that leave the being inside? Honouring that being does not then mean we are a bad parent or worker, in fact it means the opposite as we then give all of ourselves to each part of our lives. But in the transition phase to honouring the body the mind has a lot to say about it and has a bit of a freak out.

    1. It is interesting how we have been brought up to honour our commitment to work or being a good parent as more important than our body, when in reality the others cannot exist or be done well if we don’t take care of the body first and foremost.

    2. Well said Nikki. The mind does love to control the body and overmaster it. A balance of mind and body seems to be essential.

  22. I could relate to your reaction to your first and second diagnosis and of wanting to be on top of it, to know everything there is to know and be in control. How different this is to being connected to ourselves and trusting that all we need to know will be there when we need it, to trust our impulses and follow up on things when we feel to, as you did.

  23. It is beautiful to read how there can be a different approach to illness when it occurs, that it can in fact be taken as an opportunity to be more responsible in life and to bring in changes that are basic and very caring.

  24. “for me to take responsibility for my part, which is to surrender, listen and allow. I may not have listened to my body in the past, I may have treated it with disrespect, but I can change that now. It’s up to me. I can either make this next part of my life one that is full of drama and fear, or I can enjoy each moment, and really focus my energy on the real things in life – the people around me and the love that is there.” This feels like the turning point for you. The stop moment that losing the use of your legs gave you was an opportunity for you to heal an outmoded past momentum of overdrive. This was unloving to your body and needed to be reassessed. Beautiful healing RB. Well done you for listening to the wisdom of your body rather than choosing the mental controls.

    1. Thank you Irena, I do still have to be careful as that pattern of over drive is very well ingrained into me… so I have to be aware not to fall back into it.

  25. This is profound, thank you for sharing. The simplicity of living from our body and listening to it. The wisdom that came to you from your body, because you gave yourself the space to listen.

    1. The body has so much to share with us, every single day but I have not always been very good at taking time to listen, and to be honest, sometimes I don’t want to hear what it is sharing as I want to get this or that done so will ignore the fact that it is tired or feels tension. Just got to keep seeing this and become more and more honest and aware.

  26. There is so much in this article, it clearly defines that we have a choice. Our minds can very quickly over ride, control and consume our thoughts and subsequently mold our body to fit them, or we can stop, surrender and hold our body as the super precious organism that it is and allow it to communicate how it feels with any choice we make.

    1. We need a bumper or fridge sticker:
      STOP, SURRENDER and hold your body as the super precious organism that you are!

  27. I had a similar experience recently when I had intense crippling pain in all my joints. The doctor at one stage wanted to rush me into hospital to have a multitude of tests as they did not know what was causing the reaction my body had gone into. I had the sensibility about me, even with all the pain and uncertainty I was in, to not go to hospital as I had a feeling I would then get caught up in the medical system. I researched my own specialists and eventually found the right ones for me. The first was a heart specialist who ruled out that I had rheumatic fever, which they thought I may have, which I knew I did not, but still needed to rule it out. Then I went to a rheumatoid arthritis specialist who gave me a diagnosis. I needed to do an in depth reading on why suddenly I would have a disease that was so left of field. Once I had read it correctly, with support from Natalie Benhayon and Serge Benhayon, and realigned to the true energy, I arrested the energy feeding the disease and immediately I started to heal. Weeks later there is only a trace of slight pain in my shoulders and the more I express all of what I want to say, with out holding back for fear of a reaction from others, this is dissipating. I have learnt that calibrating down to a lower vibration poisons my body and then the poison being released causes extreme pain. My learning, and for any one else who would like to learn from my experience…… do not say yes to a lower vibration.

    1. ‘I have learnt that calibrating down to a lower vibration poisons my body and then the poison being released causes extreme pain’. Very powerful sharing Mary-Louise that shows us to not just focus on the disease but become aware of what feeds the disease and address that energy. We are first and foremost energetic beings and need to read energy first and move from there, not the other way round.

    2. Thank you for sharing so openly Mary Louise, I read your comment right when I needed to most! I have often found myself lowering my vibration, to fit in, to not get reactions or jealousy but when you explain how your body reacted, I think to myself, it is just not worth it.

    3. I just was thinking how great it is that you followed what felt true to you Mary Louise, and didn’t just give yourself over to the medical world to be a medical experiment. I love that you sought the support you needed rather than went into fear and gave your power away. Inspirational.

  28. When we start to research our illness on the internet we become obsessed by what we read, and become unable to decipher the difference between what is useful information and the actual symptoms we have, we end up convinced we have something we don’t. If we just stop and take each moment as it comes we become more aware of how we truly feel.

  29. When we get caught up in the mind and enter that roller coaster ride, it’s hard to come off. Better to not get on the ride in the first place. When we allow ourselves to rush off into the future we create worse case scenarios that can be self perpetuating.. The only way is to be consciously present in the now and observe what is going on, without attaching to or becoming the symptoms yourself. If you do, it’s all downhill from there.

    1. This is a great point, when we rush off into the future, we can’t be here in the now and feel what is true for us in that moment. And if we are not here, right now with our body, then who is running the show?

  30. It is through learning to love ourselves that we can say ‘No’ to the thoughts that enter the mind and the more we do, the easier it gets, as we get to know the what is and the what is not.

  31. When we are confronted with a condition, of course, understanding it as much as we can help, but above everything else, understanding why do we have it and what does it mean, provide two very different places from where you can stand in the process of dealing with it. In the first one, we go ‘micro’ and in the second one we observe ourselves from the ‘macro’, a place that is condition–free.

  32. Amazing Rosie, the outcome in this instance has been pretty good it would seem, however that is not and was not the point, which I love. Surrendering and letting go the need to control and fix is not easy when you’re facing something potentially debilitating or life threatening, but you show how powerfully healing it is when you do. What unfolded for you and the insight you were able to have as a result, is worth it as the quality of your life is impacted from that point on. In the end that’s what counts, as I have seen in many clients over the years who end up living which chronic illness, but live a life full of meaning, connection and beauty.
    We have long since lost our understanding as a society that we are not our illnesses and ailments, and that we can have a rich and wonderful life regardless.

  33. This is an excellent blog. The way we can become so disregarding of our body, and so reckless even sometimes not wilfully so is eventually going to be stopped by the body. There has been a disconnect between the activities and happenings we call ‘life’ and the very body we live in, thinking that we do the life things how we want to and the body comes along – has simply failed us. The connection between the body is simple, it has a natural way of being harmonious and anything that is not done harmoniously is attacking the body.

    1. I like that line Harry, anything that is not done harmoniously is attacking the body. If we take this into our day, it is a simple reminder, to question ourselves with… are we attacking ourselves as we do this? It’s great to ask these questions, as it is so easy to get into autopilot and not actually feel what we are doing in any given moment.

    2. It is going to remain a mystery why we abuse the one body we depend upon for everything until we come to understand fully that our bodies are run by a spirit that arrogantly knows that it is immortal and that it will be given many more bodies to trash once it has finished trashing this one.

  34. “there is no way I can go back to living life as I was before.” If we drive our car too fast round a corner and crash, would we go back and drive in the same way again when the car was patched up?

  35. I love the lessons for us all here is that we are not the condition, the condition is simply something that is affecting us. Modern medicine marvellous that it is, knows very few of the answers if you want to understand the root causes and the body is hugely more intelligent and capable of healing itself than we credit it with.

  36. It must be quite an intense and vulnerable time when you are undergoing a medical operation and there is uncertainty as to your life thereafter. To put ourselves in the hands of our wonderful Surgeons and Nurses really is quite astonishing. What you have shared is a different and added kind of magic , because now going into this treatment with a knowing deep inside that is allowing personal healing has got to be something supportive for the client AND medical practitioner.

  37. Yes RB there is a lie that we are fed, that life is about pushing on and ‘getting ahead’. Like hamsters stuck in a wheel we rush along hoping to get ‘there’. But this way of living does not work – it doesn’t matter what you achieve there’s an emptiness inside at the end of the day. But if you’ve ever stopped and stood in the middle of a forrest or gazed at the ocean or a field of flowers flowing in the breeze, you will feel God and the universe stretching on eternally. Then you know there is nothing to stress about and nowhere to go, just Love to be.

    1. Just reading this comment, feeling the field of flowers, or picturing the leaves on a tree with the sunlight shining through brings a moment of stillness for me and to remember that I am part of something much bigger allows me to step outside of the busy wheel that I often get stuck in, going around and around and around again. Sometimes we just need to stop. Again.

  38. Wow this is an incredible sharing of where we go when we are not with our selves. The mind is simply a vessel to the energy we choose to align to, and when we align to chaos and fear our thoughts will provide more and more reasons why this is the truth! Beautiful learning about being, and that is everything.

  39. It’s horrible when we let the mind go off and create the worse case scenario, and then when we find out the results it’s nothing like we imagined, and then realise that we have put ourselves through a trauma unnecessarily.

    1. The emotional drama and complications we can go into are so exhausting that it doesn’t help the body it just stresses it further.

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