Letting go (of my stubbornness) and Learning to Love my Colon.

by Susan Lee, UK. 

I recently became aware of how stubborn I can be – I have always known it, but this time I felt it at a deeper level. A week or so after this awareness I became constipated.

A few days later I noticed some blood along with my faeces – twice this occurred before I took action.  As I am writing this I can see how deep-rooted this stubbornness is and how it has become part of my day-to-day living. I will not listen to my body giving me signs that everything is not OK until the last minute.

My first appointment with my local General Practitioner was great – he gave me an internal examination and the time spent with him felt as though he was a deeply caring man. He found nothing conclusive and referred me to my local hospital.

My next appointment was quite a different experience and, in retrospect, I realized I had not been taking the events seriously. I can now see, in hindsight, that I did not wish to even contemplate that I may have colon cancer, as this would mean that I would need to start taking responsibility for how I have lived my life. For many years now it has made sense to me that illness didn’t just happen to me, and that the way I responded to stress somehow harmed my body.  

On meeting the surgeon I felt uncomfortable and unable to connect and open up to him. His manner was polite and brief, but he was not communicative and seemed unwilling to make eye contact. It felt difficult to relax and ask questions. The nurse took me into a side room and told me to ‘pop down my pants and trousers.’ When I went to take off my boots she suggested that I leave them on. I complied with her instructions although everything in my body was telling me differently. I felt very demeaned by the whole experience – as though I was not worthy of the time to prepare myself in a way that would have supported me to feel comfortable and safe in what felt like an invasive procedure. (This felt a bit like having sex in the back of a car – uncomfortable and rushed).

I came away with a clear understanding of how easily I complied with other people’s suggestions and did not say what felt comfortable for me and what did not. I allowed them to set the ground rules of what was to be the examination of my colon. This situation allowed me to see that this is how I have lived my life – allowing others to set the ground rules, so that I could then hold on to resentment that I have not been treated properly.

This visit led to another internal examination and a scope was inserted into the lower part of my colon.

A couple of weeks later I was called back to have a full colonoscopy and my heart sank when I saw that the letter had come from the same surgeon. In the meantime I spoke to a couple of friends who had undergone a colonoscopy and this helped me to gain some insight and practical information concerning the procedure. I realised that if I was to meet the same surgeon it was my responsibility to change this meeting into a different, more pleasant and loving experience. Maybe this was an opportunity to shift some of my stubbornness?  Also, not to hold onto the resentment of the previous meeting.

I allowed myself to be driven to the hospital by a friend (having initially brushed aside her offer because ‘I didn’t want to be too much trouble’). As I am writing this blog I am starting to see how I allow stubbornness to come between me and making life simple and feeling the beauty of allowing others to support me. It was so lovely to have her support, and it allowed me to approach the procedure in quite a different way. I felt more open to what was about to happen. I approached the meeting in a way that felt as though I was embracing the examination rather than seeing it as something I needed to endure. (Another old pattern showing me the way I approach life.)

On arrival I was greeted and felt welcome and much more at ease than on my previous visit to the hospital. The nurse who explained what was to happen was open and lovely. In the past I have always shrunken away from anything too ‘bloody and messy’ and was amazed to find myself engaging with the nurse and the wonderful charts that were up on the wall. I did this because I thought:  ‘after all, it is my body that is about to be invaded.’  Having a scope inserted into your anus is one of the most invasive procedures that I could have imagined, but here was I asking to be shown the exact journey of the scope.

The nurse was most reassuring that the team were there to support me and make everything as comfortable as possible. She also added that the doctor was lovely – and he was. This time it was a different person. However, I feel that because I was starting to let go of my stubbornness and realising that I may have misjudged the first surgeon – that maybe he was not being uncommunicative but that I was not allowing people into my life – this experience was going to be quite different. I was now more open to allowing things to take their natural course. It felt more lovely than I would have realised to at last be seeing that I could be wrong and to not be a victim of circumstances.

I decided that as I wished to watch the examination on the screen and be able to remember the details afterwards that I would choose to have gas and air rather than sedation. It was reassuring that if I was uncomfortable they could stop at any time and that I would still be able to have sedation. I explained to the doctor that I wished to watch everything and they adjusted the screen and table.

Was this really me asking for support? It felt a little surreal. I had a ‘good view’ and while I was watching the screen they slipped the scope inside quite effortlessly and from then on I was totally absorbed and fascinated that as I lay on the table I was seeing inside my body. I could vaguely feel the scope but what I was seeing was my beauty-full colon. It was wonderful to see the formation and how it functioned, the colour and the texture – and how healthy it looked.

It was quite unlike any other experience I have ever had – it took my breath away. It truly gave me a whole new insight into my body and how it works, and I now feel I have a far more intimate relationship with my colon and with what I put into it – to more deeply honour and respect it. I am so grateful that I was given this opportunity and I have learned so much more about myself through the entire process.

Some weeks have passed and I was starting to realise, after having sessions with an esoteric practitioner, that constipation is something that I have been avoiding dealing with since the age of twelve. It is only now, at the age of sixty-seven, that I am willing to start looking at my behaviour and patterns that I have held onto for the last fifty-five years.

In the past I have considered constipation as an annoying occurrence and totally ignored my body telling me that there is something in my life that is not quite right – that my body does not enjoy having all this waste product lingering around and polluting it. Would I leave rotting rubbish hanging around in my home? No way. Yet, I stubbornly hung on to my way of dealing with the problem, which never solved it. It just meant I did not have to admit that everything was not OK – I could go on pretending to the world that I was this healthy woman!

I am starting to see that my stubbornness is about me holding on to the way ‘I have always done things’ and how I think life should be and that this arrogance does not serve or support me being who I truly am. This feels to be much the same as my colon holding on to all the rubbish from my body rather than letting it go and allowing my body to flow – when I am stubborn I can feel my whole body contract.  Apparently, there are two sphincter muscles in the rectum that deal with clearing the faeces from the body, the internal sphincter that is controlled by the autonomic response (over which we have no control) and the external sphincter, which is under the control of our will.  It is no wonder I am constipated when I stubbornly hold on to ‘my way’ of living life.

I am now beginning to realize that the way I have lived life is not that of a healthy woman but a woman who has struggled through life stubbornly not listening to others in case I may have to look at my part in what goes wrong and take responsibility.

At last I feel I am beginning to grow up and stop running away from life and embrace it. None of this would have been possible without the love and support I have felt from Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all those wonderful practitioners.

When I reach outside of myself I find there is so much support – from my lovely GP, to the doctor in the colonoscopy unit and his team and finally to the support and encouragement I have received in writing this blog.

I do feel blessed.




653 thoughts on “Letting go (of my stubbornness) and Learning to Love my Colon.

  1. How amazing would it be if we knew the causes of all illness and disease. Well we can, esoteric medicine understands the causes and provides explanations of how it all works, all the way back to the root cause. This is why esoteric medicine will one day partner with conventional western medicine to provide a total answer for humanity.

  2. Susan this is lovely to read again, I enjoyed the openness you had to share about stubbornness because alongside our illnesses we may also feel ashamed or want to hide the parts of our personality that do not come from our true selves (stubbornness included). I found your openness and acceptance about the stubbornness helped me to be more open to connecting to and seeing my own, and as you say stubbornness can prevent us from making new choices and not let go of how we have always done things. Being open to love will always support us to be one to the new. Thank you again.

    1. And thank you Melinda for your beautiful response – it’s interesting for me to read your words as I am feeling another layer of stubbornness surfacing to be healed and let go of, and we always need the reflections of others to support our way back to truly letting go of the past and returning with a new depth of joy for life.

  3. It’s interesting the things we hold on to, thinking that they’re in our ‘best interests’ – when in fact any picture we’re holding on to from our minds is just that – a picture. Our pictures don’t serve us because they’re usually not the reality of what our bodies are actually experiencing.

    1. Understanding that the pictures are not the reality has been a gradual process – as I let go of one picture there is always something new to look at and observe. It feels as though I have used these pictures for many lifetimes to evade the discomfort not realising that the pictures were the problem – not the reality.

  4. I think it’s brilliant how you reflected on your part in how things went with the consultant, being open to being more aware of how you were approaching the procedures and examinations and how this may have been impacting on your experience.

    1. Yes, Fiona – we can always take things deeper as we learn to understand ourselves with greater humility and let go of the old arrogance and stubbornness that we may have used as a defence in the past. While we are willing to unfold there will always be new opportunities to change and unravel the web that we have woven.

  5. It’s funny that in the face of it that we have thought all our ideals and beliefs have been so important to hang on to. Many hang on to them on their death bed and still champion their way of doing things and it never was their way in the first place, but a way that was enforced on them by a world that does not have our best interests at heart. If something is killing us, how can we consider that is a way of living that has us at its heart? Impossible. All our rights and wrongs simply chain us to misery.
    This is a great exposure Susan Lee.

    1. ‘ If something is killing us, how can we consider that is a way of living that has us at its heart? Impossible. All our rights and wrongs simply chain us to misery.’ And yet we continue in our arrogance to feel we know best until we are ready to surrender to the inevitable returning path that we will all tread – the Path of Return.

  6. We are good in pretending and fooling ourselves with the idea we are living as a healthy woman, I know I can be stubborn in not always wanting to see my part in certain situations. On the other hand I have experienced the opposite as well, feeling the space and the surrender when I was honest and humble about my part. What I feel is by bringing in ‘right and wrong’ energy, which I have been very good at and is for a great extent causing the struggle, our pride creates the struggle and then the withdrawal in life.

    1. That feels so true Annelies – the struggle is something we have employed to separate ourselves from our essence and as I let go of the need for arrogance the surrender has an opportunity to emerge.

  7. I love the way you describe your journey into this situation. How you realised the uncomfortable way you were treated in the first time and the changes you made in the second one. A beautiful opportunity to re-imprint the whole situation and even the approach of your own life.

  8. Our body is always rewarding us with information and if we don’t get complicated with it then we open up and let things go. This is Love in action and our movements become a divine reflection of us letting go of our held beliefs that stick around causing all types of blockages in the body.

  9. There was so much I could relate to in this blog, more than I was expecting to! Like letting others set the ground rules so that I can blame them and hold onto resentment rather than setting the rules myself for my own body and being. Thank you for sharing this Susan.

    1. And thank you for your comment Leigh – I know I can discount things sometimes feeling they will not work and with this I am denying the wisdom that is around me in every moment. It’s beautiful to feel the change as we open up to possibilities – I know this has supported me.

  10. I have been one to go it alone through life, rejecting support, feeling that I had to struggle through. As I have grown older and am learning to bring more self care and self love into my life, I am opening up to accept support when needed, I did not realise that there is so much joy and appreciation to be felt by saying yes to being supported.

    1. That’s beautiful – as we age we have more space in our day to open up and feel the wisdom pouring through us – why struggle on alone when together we can change the Universe – no option really?

  11. The stubborness of holding onto the way we do things is something I can relate to, and I have learnt that it stops us opening up to what is next, to the potential of what is being offered to us because we constantly revert back to old ways that no longer serve us.

    1. And why is it that we constantly revert to old ways is something that still puzzles me when I do know that these ‘old ways’ only keep me being stuck and wasting time when I could be so much greater when I open up my body to greater wisdom to yet unfold.

      1. Thank you for your comment Alison – to begin to see life the way it really is and not fool ourselves any more the sooner we will allow ourselves to cease hanging on and disregarding both our own bodies and the greater body we call the Universe – our forever unfolding and unending relationship with our future.

    2. And the more we hold onto this stubbornness the more deep seated it becomes whereas when we open up to the possibility that there maybe another way we come back to the natural flow and release some of the held tension. We physically allow our body to flush out the energetic imprint that has held us captive for so long.

  12. When I was willing to listen to the signals I was being given by my body to feel the truth of the way I was pushing and hardening myself in how I was living, it started to open my awareness and establish a more gentle and caring way to be with my body, something I had neglected and suppressed in myself for many years. I now enjoy building a much deeper relationship with my body and making choices that are nurturing and nourishing for myself and keep refining these choices as and when my body tells me!

    1. It’s not until we begin to have a true and honouring connection with our body that we begin to understand the joy we have been missing. To truly love ourselves and listen to our body is the most tender and precious relationship that we will have.

  13. Some great points here about what we hold onto – the belief of doing it ‘my way’ and stubbornly holding onto that, so that we don’t have to take what feels like a risk and let others in. When we do finally start letting others in, and letting go of how we think life is or has to be, it’s often very different to how we thought it would be – we learn, deepen and grow, through the reflections that we offer each other, and the realisation that we’re all in this together, and all here to learn.

    1. We do indeed ‘learn, deepen and grow, through the reflections that we offer each other, and the realisation that we’re all in this together, and all here to learn.’ I know that without the reflections of others I would have given up on my body and the nurturing that supports us to expand and understand the fineness of the detail and sensitivity, taking us forever deeper.

  14. I agree – stubbornness is refusal to be open to another way/view. We can be very aware but stubbornness digs its heels in and traps us in the comfort of utter discomfort where we fight against everything that is already moving on, and we think we are buying ourselves time therefore can avoid responsibility, but this manoeuvring is excruciatingly suffocating.

    1. An, yes, I can feel the truth of this Fumiyo – as you say ‘in the comfort of utter discomfort where we fight against everything that is already moving on’ we indulge fooling ourselves, and in this ruse we are also holding back on the whole of humanity.

  15. Hi Susan, our bodies are amazing in their constant communication and how great that you were able to listen and learn from it later in life and let go of the stubbornness. Your blog is a clear reflection of how, when we make changes in ourselves and open ourselves up to others, all our communications change and we feel more supported by everyone around us, and life is then less of a battle.

  16. A great learning to understand how stubbornly holding onto things does not support us or anyone else in any way and not only delays us from moving on but also stops us from deepening our awareness and understanding all that is there is to learn and evolve from in the situations we face in life.

  17. “I am now beginning to realize that the way I have lived life is not that of a healthy woman but a woman who has struggled through life stubbornly not listening to others in case I may have to look at my part in what goes wrong and take responsibility.” Love this this is so true and if we could be this honest about how we live, and the lack of willingness to take responsibility for all our choices in life, I feel sure that we would not have all the overwhelming illnesses we have in the world today

  18. What a difference in your experience at the hospital – it is very easy to give our power away to experts who seem to know what they are doing, and in the process we leave our bodies out of it. But what if we took a moment to truly honour what we feel and raise the standards of simply being told what to do?

  19. How beautiful to change your experience of the examination simply by changing your own attitude to the people involved. Sometimes small changes we make can have a huge impact on many other areas of our lives.

    1. Yes, it’s often by becoming aware of the details and intricacies that we unfold and release old patterns.

  20. Sometimes it is not until something is really uncomfortable that we seek medical advice or assistance, and it is sometime after that we start to work out that it is through the choices we make everyday that either help to heal or harm us and we have a responsibility to let go of all that is not us.

    1. It’s interesting that we treat ourselves – and in particular our body with such disregard – and yet, I am feeling that at last that this is changing as I learn to love and appreciate my body and that my body in return shows it’s own appreciation in return and at times feels so yummy.

  21. ” I realised that if I was to meet the same surgeon it was my responsibility to change this meeting into a different, more pleasant and loving experience.” Taking responsibility for all of our experiences is empowering – as you have shown in your blog Susan.

    1. And in reading your comment I can feel that, five years on from writing this blog my approach would be different again as my unfolding openness and transparency brings a greater sense of equality into all of my relationships on a daily basis. The wonderful thing about life is that it is forever expanding and changing.

  22. “I am starting to see that my stubbornness is about me holding onto the way ‘I have always done things’ and how I think life should be and that this arrogance does not serve or support me being who I truly am”. Loved reading your blog today Susan, I have become very aware through my body giving me a big stop, how stubbornness affects not only the flow in my life but the flow for others and just how arrogant stubbornness is. Having had 2 Colonoscopies last year within a few weeks of each other I can feel just how much stubbornness there is for me to let go of.

  23. I love how literally the wisdom of the body speaks. If we are stubborn and will not let go of rigid ideals and beliefs, this will manifest physically as the bowels not letting go of waste. The waste here being all that does not serve our vehicle of expression (physical form) to thrive so this includes both the physical faeces but also the ideals and beliefs that hold us back from living the richness of who we truly are. It seems that we can ignore things at an energetic level but not so when it manifests in the physicality. It is pretty hard to ignore constipation and this can be said also of all illness and disease be that cancer, indigestion, diabetes, influenza etc. This is why it is said and understood esoterically that ‘the body is the marker of all truth’.

    1. It is true what you say Liane, and yet although it is pretty hard to ignore the messages of our body as they become more extreme, we nevertheless still continue to live in a way that totally disregards this innate wisdom with an arrogance that is so far from our natural divine way.

  24. I have had my fair share of colon issues, which have brought me to look at how stubborn I have been in the past. I have lived a long time ignorantly thinking I wasn’t stubborn, then to discover that I had many ideals and beliefs about life that I used to not grow and evolve. Now I’m re-learning a movement in my body that’s about surrender and flow, trust and understanding. Allowing space so I can see what next is on offer instead of trying to control what is never possible to control; life.

    1. ‘Now I’m re-learning a movement in my body that’s about surrender and flow, trust and understanding. Allowing space so I can see what next is on offer instead of trying to control what is never possible to control; life’ – what you are offering Kim is a way of life that is unfolding and brings so much simplicity Reading your words I can feel an expansiveness that is allowing and embracing and not about holding onto a way of living that causes separation from the divine being that we are. When we let go we can feel the beholding spaciousness that surrounds us.

  25. I always find it very humbling when I get ill, it’s like we can struggle on, we can be stubborn, we can hold onto things and not want to move forwards but our body innately knows better and it lets us know in no uncertain terms that we are hurting it and we can’t carry on this way – so when something is wrong we have no choice but to surrender, accept healing and support and let go of whatever is holding us back.

    1. Yes, Meg it is humbling and if we are open to it can be a wonderful opportunity to really honour all the wisdom we are privy to when we explore the deeper meaning that is always there to be explored and expanded.

      1. It’s a bit like when we get ill it’s an opportunity to upgrade the way we approach both life and ourselves – with a renewed and refreshed sense of care, and also a deeper understanding of ourselves and of what choice in life that led us to this point.

      2. I love the notion of upgrading ‘the way we approach both life and ourselves’ – and put in this way we can at any moment choose to evolve our understanding and wisdom and to expand our way of living life to the full without reservation or limitation.

  26. We worship and consecrate knowledge and doing things as we’ve always done – but in doing so trap ourselves in holding patterns. Look at a kid, exploring, experimenting, questioning and asking why and you will see the natural way we are designed to be. Thank you Susan Lee.

  27. I’m someone that can be very stubborn, I would always think I am right and fight almost everything. However I suffered from major IBS and as well as changing my diet found that through embracing being open, being willing to let go and see life as a constant evolution and learning my IBS healed.

    1. It certainly awesome how the body responds when we begin to listen…..and learn. It feels like the most beautiful conversation…….without any words required.

  28. So loved this sharing, it’s very close to home for me. I can be so stubborn and so blind to where I am stubborn. I could feel my whole body clock something when I read about allowing support. Thank you, much for me to ponder on.

  29. Susan I love the way you took responsibility for building the relationship with the Dr and the nurses, too often we blame others or judge another before we have taken the time to be more understanding and let others in. What you share is deeply inspiring and supportive for anyone dealing with a medical condition such as yours, to not only deal with the symptoms but to be open to the energetic underlying cause – this is key to true healing of the body.

  30. For so many people, life is a struggle, something that is just got through, with moments of extreme and intense relief, usually in the form of some sort of medication. Just imagine if people understood that this actually wasn’t necessary, that there is a whole different way of living, how the world will change.

    1. Experiencing and realising one’s past struggle allows us to understand humanity and how this need is fed when we struggle alone without support and a connection to our innermost.

  31. It is interesting how we get taken unaware and comply to the wishes of others whilst feeling all the time, it doesn’t feel good. So the learning is to be more aware and honouring ourselves allows us to speak up more, not needing to get our own way but simply expressing what our bodies are feeling. I am finding this changes everything.

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