Eating Dis-orders

by Gyl Rae, Teacher, Scotland

I have grown up most of my teenage years and adult life with an eating dis-order. This has not been outwardly obvious to people as in being anorexic, as mainly people commented on how good I looked, how great my body was and how slim I am. I have never physically stuck my fingers down my throat to be sick, nor hidden food to binge eat later, but I did eat in a way that was very obsessive and controlling, and at times worked out how and what to eat and drink in a way that would make me be sick after I ate something I knew wasn’t good for my body.

The reason I had an eating dis-order is because of the lack of self-worth and self-loathing I had for myself. I have come to know that I also eat to not feel all that I do, I eat to fight my sensitivity (awareness). I didn’t and at times still don’t want to feel what’s going on around me, as it means I would have to speak up and be more responsible.

Over the years my body has shared many things I knew and know I shouldn’t be doing. Like being in abusive and un-loving relationships, saying yes to things or people when everything in me was saying no, to not wanting to feel jealousy from others, this is a big one for me. I now know this is all okay to feel as I am learning to respond, observe and not react to what I feel. I now know that what I feel is not wrong and there’s nothing wrong with feeling all that I do. The key is observing it and not absorbing it, to live my truth.

Going back to when I was around 13 years old, I remember eating a bowl of ice cream, normal size, no big deal and running up and down on the stairs afterwards, using it like a step machine to burn off the fat and calories. There was absolutely no intention to love and nourish my body, I was treating it like a machine. A lot of this was influenced by ideals and beliefs in the world and images I saw around me of women in the media, of what a woman’s body should look like to be beautiful or fit in, to be liked and accepted, and hurts I didn’t want to feel. I never felt good enough. Like something was wrong with me.

In my 20’s and 30’s, to other people, on the outside I looked the part, the perfect picture, slim, fit and athletic, eating healthy food, working as a fitness instructor, so really you would think I knew it all. I was training and advising people on health and well-being, yet behind closed doors I was a mess. I ate a so-called good diet, but the truth is, you can still abuse yourself and have an eating dis-order with healthy food. I ate for pure function, not to nourish, love, deeply care for and nurture myself. I didn’t eat to support my body and my being. It wasn’t only what I ate but the way in which I ate, shopped and cooked my food; all from lack of self-worth and self-loathing, not taking the time and care, to lovingly buy, prepare and eat food that nourished me, but rushing and in dis-regard. I also drank alcohol and partied hard, as many people in the fitness industry did at that time, I don’t work in this field anymore so I cannot comment on what it is like now.

For me, any eating dis-order is eating in a way that does not deeply honour, love and support our body’s natural true light and divinity. Eating in any way that does not support us to evolve.

The choice to change

It’s only since attending Universal Medicine presentations, workshops and courses that I have begun to look at my relationship with food.  The choice to change didn’t come from being told what to do, or what to eat by Serge Benhayon. I was presented with truth, a choice: I could listen to, nourish, and honour my body; or I could keep on abusing myself.  This was something very new to me as I had grown up on a diet of deliberately misleading information through books, magazines, the health industry, media etc, with mis-leading information like the pyramid triangle, and we need to drink milk everyday to get strong bones.  I was never truly educated, told the truth, or asked to listen to my body and feel what I needed to eat.

I will be very honest here, even in the past few years I thought I had a very healthy relationship with food and eating, but I was still eating from what and how much I thought I ‘should’ eat based on outside beliefs and comparing myself to other people, so even though, yes, I was eating a healthier diet, and making self-loving steps here, it came from knowledge, a disconnection to my body, not listening to and honouring my body. There is no joy, fun or evolution in knowledge; only in connecting to your body, listening to it, and loving yourself deeply.

Sometimes I eat food which I know doesn’t support my body, but I know it’s not the food that’s the issue. For example, I crave sweet food at times. But, to heal this it’s not about cutting out sweet food, that doesn’t work.  I used to use force myself to try and stop eating a certain type of food, but I’d just end up eating it again. Beating myself up doesn’t work either; it just makes it worse, if you saw someone walking around hitting themselves with a big stick, you’d stop them, or at least see how unloving it is, yet this is what we are energetically doing to ourselves when we give ourselves a hard time. Accepting where I am at, understanding and appreciating myself is key.

Last year, I had incredible support from Miranda Benhayon: her support is so simple, deeply understanding and absolute pure love; she is a true inspiration to me. As a result I have come to love myself and my body more, I have a deeper understanding for myself and my body and am far less harsh and regimental with food, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or eats.

She supported me to see that to truly heal from the sweet food I crave at times, is about me appreciating the sweetness and beauty all around me, and inside of me, and the more I appreciate that, my need for sweet food will naturally drop away. She also helped me to realise that if I have no joy in what I eat, I’ve disconnected from my body; instead it’s about connecting to my body, feeling what it needs, as well as how I approach preparing and cooking my food, doing it lovingly.

It’s really simple; the truth always is…the more I love myself and my body, the more loving I will be with the way I eat.

Read more:

  1. Obesity, food and fasting. 
  2. Before and After – Kylie Jackson on finding her true weight.

172 thoughts on “Eating Dis-orders

  1. Eating disorders exposed with truth: ” For me, any eating dis-order is eating in a way that does not deeply honour, love and support our body’s natural true light and divinity. Eating in any way that does not support us to evolve. ” And this then includes the classic eating disorders of bulimia, anorexia and more…So how much do we all struggle to embrace life and hence eating?

  2. Food choices, what we eat and how we eat really are the symptom picture of something else underlying that is going on here. And so we can ‘fix’ the symptom if we like, but this does not address the root cause. If however, we address the root cause, the symptom will take care of itself. How cool is this?

  3. Awesome sharing Gyl – and this certainly exposes that far more of us can have an eating disorder in terms of the control and regimentation and lack of joy and deep care for the body when it comes to foods and how we eat!

  4. It is common in our world to have a facade of perfection and seek the picture perfect life but we often feel like a mess on the inside or behind closed doors. This lifestyle is not sustainable, sooner or later our facade may crack and we are left with an empty shell, feeling exhausted and beaten for chasing a life that is void of truth and love. When we let go of seeking perfection and live who we truly are, life becomes very simple, joyful and heaps of fun.

  5. It is an ongoing process reflecting the way I choose to it, what and how much, which always needs refinement, the more I say Yes to my power. The moment I settle for a certain way of eating, I am plateauing, and holding back, what my body is able to let come through energetically.

    1. Spot on Doug – we have the sweetness and joy of life and those things around us to enjoy as an every day snack! Life can feed us back amazing nourishment depending on what we choose to see/register/feel…

  6. Sometimes my body acts quicker than I can consciously think. I might be at a social event where food is laid out that I would normally not buy… and before I know it those crisps or sweet goodies are in my stomach, swallowed and chewed before the word ‘no’ is uttered! Sometimes, I have a craving and I will have an inner more prolonged dialogue and it’s a do I or don’t I situation, but honestly, even getting to this stage the craving usually takes over and I cave in. There is much to question about why the cravings are there in the 1st place and why I am prepared to go through the bloating, dulling, increased adrenal response and lethargy that eating unsupportive food brings. At the end of the day, it is a form of self-abuse but one that I am very accepting of and in the moment, don’t care about. My sense in changing this is that I need to truly value, appreciate and honour the feeling of clarity, lightness and openness that can be physically felt and the word ‘no’ wouldn’t even be needed.

  7. I had many eating dis-orders for the first 50 years of my life, caused by eating foods that my body couldn’t deal with, like dairy, gluten and sugar. I was never advised to remove them from my diet, but at 50 I made the choice for myself and my health improved dramatically. But there was still something going on in my body at times and it was from attending the presentations by Serge Benhayon that I began to see that on many occasions I was feeding my emotions and at other times, feeding my exhaustion. Healing these disorders is taking a little longer but well worth the commitment.

  8. “For me, any eating dis-order is eating in a way that does not deeply honour, love and support our body’s natural true light and divinity.” When we truly regard healthy eating in this way, it exposes the massive level of disregard we have allowed our selves to fall into, particularly in consideration of the amount of sugar, additives, colourings, hormones and chemicals added to everyday food and drink. We have not really fully understood yet the devastating effect that these things have on our finely tuned hormone and chemical systems within our bodies.

  9. What a fantastic blog Gyl, I love what you share and all of us can relate.
    “It’s really simple; the truth always is…the more I love myself and my body, the more loving I will be with the way I eat.” Gorgeous – this takes away all that unnecessary to be something and someone else. We are beautiful and the more we claim this the more our choices confirm this. A cycle of love confirming back on itself.

  10. What an inspiration this is to read, when there are so many issues and myths around food that you have totally blown out of the water. Simply being loving to our bodies with the way we eat, what a gorgeous message.

    1. That is the same for me Carmel and since developing more self-love I have let go of so much that was unhealthy and not good for me. It ranged from food choices to ill behaviours, addictions and ill patterns. It was amazing, no one telling me what to do, I just knew by listening to my body as to what I needed to discard by choosing to embrace self-love. 

  11. If we cannot first be honest and accept where we are at, without judgment, it is very difficult to acknowledge that we have disconnected from the truth of who we are.

    1. So true Jennym, this is so key because, without honesty, we cannot begin our evolutionary path, we just stay stuck in our wayward ways, living in misery and despair.

  12. When we teach in schools about food and nutrition, we really should be discussing, at the table (excuse the pun) all the ways we use and abuse food to numb, bury or distract ourselves from what we are feeling. I am sure this would support students to become far more aware about the choices they make.

    1. There is no understanding out in the world as to how we use food to try to make ourselves unaware, to try to stop feeling that which we do not want to feel, but no amount of eating works, so all that obesity was for nothing.

  13. Everyone has a true shape- the moment we interrupt with ideals and pictures how we think we need to look like, we are dismissing the angle we are here to reflect by our body shape. We build a body that is not true but accepted in society, which gives us security and seemingly control. But the security never equals the contentment and self confidence you have by being who you really are.

  14. ‘I eat to fight my sensitivity (awareness). I didn’t and at times still don’t want to feel what’s going on around me, as it means I would have to speak up and be more responsible.’ Sometimes this speaking up is directly to another or more than one person, other times it can just be a reminder to oneself. …and quite often these reminders to ourselves are crucial to our growth as a loving and responsible human being. At times we can ignore what we know is good for us and then feel horrible afterwards….feeling horrible can be a ‘good; thing because next time we can remind ourselves of that feeling and choose to go a different route- make different food choice.

  15. Some of the things I used to eat people would swear blind that they were healthy and yet my body would reject them but I would persevere because they were on the must-have healthy list. I can see now that in itself is abuse.

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