by Anon, Social Worker, Queensland, Australia
I am a mother of three adult children and I work in the area of child health, particularly focusing on infant and perinatal mental health. Every day I have the great fortune and privilege to share the lives and stories of many women who are having or have had a baby. From a young age women are subtly taught that it is natural that one day they will want to have a baby of their own and it is kind of an unspoken law that until they do, they haven’t quite reached the same status as their peers who have had a baby. At times the pressure can be enormous – someone gets married and the next thing that happens is that people are asking them when they are planning to have children; someone has a birthday and people start to make remarks about the biological clock ticking … you get the picture. The socially accepted norm that motherhood is a taken for granted goal, instinctive and fulfilling for females shows no regard for individual choice or circumstance.
I certainly took on these beliefs when I was growing up in a family with five siblings and parents with strong Catholic beliefs around women and their roles. Once I became a mother, I loved that it seemed to bring me closer to my mother. It was like I had gained her approval by having a baby and we now had something in common to chat about.
While these cultural norms around expectations that women should and will have a baby and what motherhood means still exist quite strongly in our society, what I have noticed is that there is an increase in the number of women who are delaying having a child until later in their life. Statistically the average age of a women having her first child has remained steady at 30 in recent years in Australia, but there has been a consistent increase in the number of births occurring in the 40 – 44 age bracket (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2014). These figures are similar in most developed countries around the world. What this essentially means is that women are delaying child bearing. This is due to a number of reasons, such as wanting to travel and explore the world first, taking time to complete study and establish themselves in careers, relationship instability, and wanting to establish financial security before having children. Sometimes women decide to have a child in later years because they feel the biological clock is ticking and they are scared they will miss out if they don’t have a child before it’s too late, while others decide to have a child to please their partners. Some women decide to go it alone.
Adding to this picture, I have found that often underneath this decision to delay having a baby is the common belief that fertility can be prolonged indefinitely and especially that if all else fails, there is always Assisted Reproduction Technologies (ART) to come to the rescue. Yet according to various studies, the correlation between age and conception is frequently underestimated, while faith in ART is overestimated. Fertility begins to decline from about age 25, making it increasingly difficult to fall pregnant as the years go by. Fertility in men has a more gradual decline, but nonetheless sperm disorders increase with age (Pre-conception Health Special Interest Group, n.d.). So the reality is that our bodies do have reasonably set periods of time in which to consider childbearing.
By no means am I suggesting that all women should want to have children, or that there is something wrong with them if they don’t – everyone has the right to make their own decision – but rather I am commenting on one of the common myths that is out there, that fertility is almost indefinite and that ART is the guaranteed backup if conception doesn’t occur naturally.
There has been a growth in the number of births through ART processes over recent years and in 2011, 6,686 women gave birth in Australia through ART, with an average age of 34.4 years, and just over 63% of these women were having their first child (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, 2014). But the reality is that ART is not the reliable back-up plan that many believe it to be. The success rate per treatment cycle is just under 24% for pregnancy and just over 18% for a live delivery (National Perinatal Epidemiology and Stastics Unit (NPESU), 2013). Understandably, given these figures, the rates of childlessness, sometimes unintentional, have also risen in the last few decades (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2014).
If people choose to use ART, they may have to spend years and huge amounts of money to achieve a pregnancy and then there is the long wait to see if their baby will survive and be born healthy. During this time, many women and men report to me the enormous strain it puts on them mentally, emotionally and physically. What I have found through my work is that the whole process is highly medicalised. Women talk about how their life becomes consumed with this one goal and that is to fall pregnant. In all this busyness there is a lot of focus on ‘doing’ and ‘outcomes’ and very little on taking the time to feel what is going on in their bodies outside of the functional sense. Relationships are pressurised and tense because falling pregnant is the whole aim and real intimacy, playfulness and the joy of being together seems to be lost in the scheme of things. Women and men’s connection to themselves and each other as human beings seems to me to be totally over ridden and pushed to the background in the often driven, hard, focused energy of achieving pregnancy. Life is a series of highs and lows and depression and anxiousness are common. While not knowing first-hand the rigors of ART, I wonder how much harder this makes the process, when women’s bodies are not only dealing with extra drugs in these circumstances but also the physiological impact of the stress of this roller coaster ride?
Then if pregnancy is achieved, a whole new level of fear and anxiety is raised: the risks in pregnancy and childbirth with older women are increased and so there are extra scans, blood tests, specialists’ appointments etc. throughout the pregnancy and post birth as mother and baby are closely monitored. There is, for example, increased likelihood of chromosomal or other abnormalities and the possible decision to then terminate the pregnancy or not, premature birth, miscarriage, perinatal mortality and hypertension (Pre-conception Health Special Interest Group, n.d.). There is also the increased chance of a premature birth and of the subsequent need for the baby to require specialist care immediately after birth. During the pregnancy many women report to me that they aren’t willing to allow themselves to bond with their baby due to the fear that something may yet go wrong and they will lose the baby. They feel that until they are actually home with a healthy baby they won’t believe that everything is OK.
Next comes the adjustment to caring for and rearing a baby. Again there are many myths out there around how natural and easy it is for women to care for a baby, simply because they are female. Women of all ages can struggle, but many women who delayed child bearing have focused on other areas of their lives and have spent very little time with babies and therefore feel completely overwhelmed by the demands of caring for an infant. Women commonly tell me stories about how fearful they felt leaving hospital with a new baby and unsure what to do next to care for their child. While I started having my children in my mid-twenties and had grown up around children I nonetheless found that it took time to adjust to being a mother. It wasn’t the sweet, glowing ever happy image that it had been portrayed to be, and some days and nights were extremely hard with a crying, unsettled baby, little support and me turning into a sleep deprived, cranky mother.
Self-identity and beliefs regarding femininity, wife/partner, a ‘good’ woman/mother/homemaker, together with qualities such as nurturing, emotional dependence, selflessness and self-sacrifice are all tied in with the idea of ‘good’ motherhood. So right from the start there is guilt if women put themselves first. I struggled to work out what I was supposed to be doing, according to what was deemed the right way – even though that way was unclear and seems to vary so much from person to person. Trying to juggle all the balls at the one time meant that we shared some moments of delight, but these moments were minimal in comparison to the overall sense of needing to do more, be a better mother, wife, home maker etc.
There is massive comparison between mothers around how their babies are growing and developing and there is often a sense of failure and inadequacy if their child is not doing what other babies are doing at the same age and stage. I also went down this rabbit hole by going into huge amounts of comparison and jealousy with other mothers I met, measuring myself against them as sometimes doing a better job, but mostly seeing myself as falling short somewhere and then inwardly beating myself up and redoubling my efforts to be a ‘good’ mother.
Looking back now, there wasn’t an ounce of recognition at the time that I was trying to live up to the ideals and beliefs of others. It was very draining and an endless cycle and sadly in my work I have found that my experiences are still quite similar to those of many other Mums in the current day.
To make matters worse, there still doesn’t seem to be anything really challenging this setup. Mothers commonly read and research widely to find the ‘best’ way to do things. There are no shortage of books etc. available to ‘teach’ us about pregnancy, childbirth and how to be mothers, but there’s nothing I’ve seen in the current popular media about us being, loving and appreciating our natural selves as the foundation for true child caring and rearing. It’s all more like a set of rules made according to what the author believes is the best way to care for a baby and it doesn’t encourage parents to use their own natural instincts with their children. In fact I found that the best thing I ever did as a parent was when I ditched the books and looked at each of my children as being their own unique person and to then follow their leads as much as possible.
If women have been successful in the workforce, they commonly assume that they will be able to care for this baby in a similar way to how they ran their day at work, and it can be a real blow to their identity and self-esteem to find that they don’t have the control, structure, routine and predictability that they are used to, and so they can feel completely lost. Many women tell me that although they love their child, they feel guilty because they are not enjoying being a mother and just want to escape back to the workforce. They say they feel like they went from being ‘someone’ in a job to a ‘no one’ in the home. There is often resentment that their partners are able to go off to work each day and that they feel that partners don’t appreciate how hard it is to care for a baby. Added to this is the fact that there is a clash of public values between women’s participation in the workforce and mothering. I know I also felt invisible in the home compared to when I was in the workforce; just another mother with kids; nothing special, and that it was hard undervalued work. Adding to the confusion, social attitudes often criticise women who return to work after having a baby, treating them as if they have abandoned their child, yet usually society more highly values workforce participation over home based mothering, especially if that is full time.
Another common myth is that women will instantly fall in love with their babies, but this is far from the reality, especially if they didn’t allow themselves to connect with their babies during pregnancy. Mental health issues can sky rocket, relationships have to be re-organised, with often a tumultuous result, family of origin issues resurface, especially if there was childhood abuse in the past. In fact, any trauma is usually re-activated and amplified through the upheaval of changes that occur through pregnancy and childbirth, as women want to protect and do the best they can for their baby. They often know what they don’t want to do or to happen with their child rearing and caring, but aren’t sure how to do things differently from what they may have experienced. Knowing how to create a different life for their infant can be a difficult struggle between not being a pushover on the one hand and not being the abusive parent on the other. Feelings of inadequacy can spark a host of emotions and feelings. Trying to soothe a crying baby when you are sleep deprived yourself is a prime example of where this dilemma occurs…. Of course, some parents have a smooth transition into motherhood/parenthood and I am not suggesting that what I have presented above is always the case; but I have found it common in the course of my work, therefore felt it was important to comment on.
What’s missing in this story? For most people it’s not a long stretch mentally to recognise that changes in certain areas would likely translate into increased health and wellbeing. What really stands out to me is that while the ART field does offer much benefit to people wishing to have a child, and counselling is offered as part of the process, the reality is that no one is stopping and talking with people about how they are living their lives and whether or not this could be something that is impacting on fertility. Every step of the ART way is medicalised and women commonly see their bodies as failing them. This is supported by the ART industry, which places a priority on the biological aspect but doesn’t place equal emphasis on the environmental factors. What if these women are given the opportunity to consider that, at their core, neither they nor their bodies are failures? What would it mean for these women (and men) to experience being met and accepted for the precious and lovely beings they already are – which would be ‘a first’ for most people? Furthermore, that everyone has much to offer the world and every child in it, whether they are biological parents or not.
What complementary medicine offers is a genuine missing link in this story and I believe it would really support men and women everywhere who are contemplating having a child, whether through ART or not. It could be quite confronting to some women to be asked to consider how they are going in their everyday lives: what’s their sense of themselves as a woman? Do they feel vital or are they feeling constantly exhausted? What is their sense of themselves as women? What are their beliefs around motherhood and family? What is the quality of their sleep and diet? What if there was more happening here than just a ‘biological glitch’? Why is this not offered right at the beginning when women start down the infertility treatment pathways? In fact it would be wonderful if all women were taught this from birth, not just when problems arise with fertility. I know I have spent most of my life knowing that something was missing but struggling for answers.
Bringing this amazing gift of themselves to motherhood through a willingness to allow themselves to accept and acknowledge their true qualities is quite a big step for women to take. I can also see that the more I am learning to do this, the greater the wisdom I naturally bring to my work, where I can offer an alternative to what is portrayed as the way women ‘should’ do mothering. I can’t undo my own early years of parenting, but I know I have the power to support other mothers to know that there is a different way and that they do have unique talents and strengths that they bring to their parenting and which they won’t find written about in any books or internet sites etc. I know that it involves developing a high level of safety and trust in our work together for women to even contemplate such a change in their beliefs and attitudes towards motherhood and themselves. But what I also know beyond doubt is that the more I gently reflect this as my way of living, the more people are open to what is being offered to them.
In my own case, I have found that my parenting has changed enormously over the last few years. The difference now is that I understand parenting in a totally different way since attending presentations and having sessions with Universal Medicine practitioners. I’ve found the real ‘medicine’ of parenting extends way beyond the boundaries of being a biological parent to the ways I choose to live all of my life from the smallest to the largest detail. I’ve discovered that healthy parenting isn’t about trying to control my children by pushing them to live according to what and how I think they should live (which unsurprisingly hasn’t worked), to stepping back and seeing myself as a role model with the capacity to reflect a steadiness and solidness (although definitely still a work in progress) in how I live my life with care and responsibility. I’m becoming much quicker at catching myself when I notice the old default patterns of seeking recognition or identification. The result is that I find my children and I have an easier going, more open communication with each other and seem to enjoy each other’s company more.
These changes in my personal and professional life would not have been possible without the support received from Serge Benhayon, practitioners and fellow students at Universal Medicine. Learning to look at myself and my choices first has helped to take an enormous amount of pressure off myself. By learning to accept where I am and to trust that my path will keep unfolding as time goes by, I can feel that each step I take benefits not only me, but it also means I can bring more of me to this awesome area of work.
REFERENCES:
Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2014). Births registered, Summary stastics for Australia (a). Births, Australia, 2013. Retrieved 21/09/2015, 2015, from http://www.abs.gov.au/AUSSTATS/abs@.nsf/mf/3301.0
Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2014). The Health of Mothers. In A. I. o. H. a. Welfare (Ed.), Australia’s health 2014 (Vol. 14). Canberra: AIHW.
Medicine and Serge Benhayon 
This is such a brilliant blog anon because it shows how we have over complicated life and having babies.
I agree with you that from all the books, videos etc., on how to rear babies and children, it seems to come from a set of societal rules and regulations that many of us get caught up in as they sow the seed of doubt at our own abilities to know how to raise children. Because the whole set up for generations has been to not allow children to grow up knowing they are a child of God first and foremost.
Wow there’s a book here. So much to ponder over and I am at the coal face of seeing the decisions people have made once the baby has been born. And everything you have mentioned and more, is occurring for these people.
It kind of feels you know the life this newborn is going to experience and it isn’t always pretty either.
In my two decades of being a midwife, I have met only a handful of couples, where I knew and felt the love that was within them. Most recent, one particular family came to visit mum and the newborn, and each gently greeted their newborn sibling. I was so touched by everything around them, I could have cried.
A memory that will stay with me. It is possible to welcome a newborn if everything around them is from love, it starts well before the decision is made to conceive, to the day the baby is born and it continues. Now that’s being ready for a baby…
Motherhood is a wide subject that has been reduced to physicality and function. I haven’t been a physical mother, but I experience motherhood everyday and everywhere, continuously learning to embrace myself and others from my heart.
Amparo, I agree motherhood has been ‘reduced to physicality and function’. I too have not produced a baby, but I am equally a mother. We are parents through out our lives, whether personally having children or not.
When we use a rulebook to evaluate our life and allocate ourselves in this matrix of life, life becomes effortsome and a struggle and we would never be good enough.
Mothers are so often set up to feel a failure as it is impossible to live up to all the ideals we are fed by society. You pose some truly supportive questions that all parents would be wise to consider before deciding to embark on parenthood. I know that by choosing to become more self loving in the way I live my life it has immeasurably improved all my relationships including with my adult daughter and now she is pregnant it has given me an opportunity to explore the challenges I felt becoming a mother and how easy it was to go into comparison with others who appeared to have it sorted when I was always painfully aware of how I was falling short of my expectations of myself.
Reading this blog it makes me wonder whether if we prepared ourselves for being parents by deepening our levels of self care then when we do become parents we are able to cope or deal with it far better.
Absolutely and we would then reflect to our children how they too can truly care for themselves as they grow up.
There is so much more to being a woman than bearing children.
It’s no surprise to me that parents look outside of themselves for how to raise their children, as the systems of life seem to ensure we lose connection to ourselves and give our power away to knowledge and outer sources. Of course expert advice is needed in many circumstances, but we also have an innate knowing from observing children and sensing what is needed. Yes let’s welcome expert advice but also not give our power away by discounting what we feel, know and observe.
I have watched many parents trying to mould their children in certain ways, and encourage them to achieve certain levels. You raised a great point here of being a role model for your children giving them a guiding light to follow which sounds much more preferable than being told what to do. Children are always watching and observing and they pick up many of their habits from others and when we go about our tasks being present with ourselves they soon pick up on that and replicate it for themselves.
Having a child is life changing and there is a lot to consider about making such a choice. But then so is every other choice when we get down to the details. Being angry every single day is life changing as an example. Walking in a fast, driven, pushing manner also changes our lives and accumulates over time. There is a lot to consider and discuss when it comes to our lifestyle and life situation choices.
There are many things in life we feel overwhelmed and lost and want to get it ‘right’ but at the same time there’s an inkling that we should know, otherwise why so much reaction, and obvious resistance to what is unfolding for each of us? And we do know actually.
Some areas of our life are hard to control past a certain point and become less so if we try to control them – relationships, pregnancy and children are great examples.
It seems the more knowledge that is available the more we depend on it, when we have a huge inner wisdom that is available to us 24/7 and all we have to do is connect to it, and we realise that everything has its own natural flow.
Amazing how complicated we make having babies and bringing them up – animals seem to manage without books and the internet.
And they do rather well at it.
Except our local plover birds that appear to have 3 or 4 babies a time and often only one seems to survive despite their constant attention and noisy protectiveness!
It’s amazing how we endure complexity when we think we are getting closer to our ideal. I used to think accepting myself as I am was about making compromise, but really, it is about connecting deeper with the joy and beauty that is within yet goes beyond the ‘me’.
This article gives me a new appreciation for what many people go through when trying to conceive a child. The fact that there are so many issues with conception and parenting is showing us that we have significant issues with all phases of life. Things are out of whack.
“I ditched the books and looked at each of my children as being their own unique person and to then follow their leads as much as possible.” And you don’t need a book to tell you to do this.
Yes I agree and have found that actually really looking, listening and sensing and connecting with my children is a really valuable way of knowing what they need in every moment.
Speaking as one of those women who did exactly what you are saying not to do – i.e. waited till later in life and then wondered why I didn’t fall pregnant… There is much to learn from looking at parenting, and the decision to bring a child into the world from the perspective of the Ageless Wisdom.
I’d say having the space to talk openly and honestly about how we are living would answer many questions and improve our well-being. Through Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health this has certainly been my experience when having such conversations.
It is amazing how many feel they have a right to be a parent rather than approaching it as a responsibility that we would do well to prepare for. Community parenting has so much to offer society and it has been a privilege to observe it at Universal Medicine gatherings.
Thank you for this super supportive blog about so much more than having a baby – it should be available to all who are considering parenthood and in fact to everyone as it unpicks so many false presumptions that cause so much distress to so many.
It is extraordinary how much pressure we do put on ourselves, and then there’s all the pressure coming from everywhere else… It really behooves us to know ourselves and know what is real and true.
In the world of ours, becoming a father or a mother confers respectability. It helps to tick boxes with society. Thanks to it and through it, you become the image society expected you to be.
Great blog Anon, many people have a child in the hope that it will fix their relationship, rather than being honest about what’s really going on.
I know that I was a great disappointment to my mother because not only did I not have children but neither did I marry. Despite this we had a relationship that developed beautifully especially in her elderly years, before she died.
Like anything in life motherhood is all about learning – and Universal Medicine modalities of which are completely complementary to medicine are extremely supportive in this learning process of deepening and understanding ourselves and the world around us.
The comparison that you talk about that mothers go into is not just in the mothering world but in all aspects of our lives. When I nannied and observed friends with their children, I got to see how much they didn’t trust what they actually felt and knew was best. They would look online for guidance or refer to books but not taking the time to connect and feel what they know is best. That dis-empowering of what is best to do and what others are doing is where the comparison starts to really kick in.
It is interesting what you shared about the mental health issues that can arise after birth, possibly triggering any trauma from their own childhood so they can find themselves struggling to not play out child rearing and caring according to what they themselves experienced… unaddressed this perpetuates issues throughout generations and results in the knock of effect of trauma being repeatedly spread throughout society through ill parenting. It is paramount that the ill patterns and ideal and beliefs around parenting are not continued to be spread and instead true connection to our innate wisdom and knowing of how to love and parent our children is fostered, for the results are otherwise nothing short of devastating to both people and to society as a whole.
Complementary health service is the ‘missing link’ when it is of true quality and I agree, concerning humanity’s true healing, we are not just physical body parts but we are a ‘being’, we have hurts, issues etc that can cleared when we take more responsibility and have suitable support. This clears the bodies movements and so the root of many of our illnesses are not able to develop. I have felt that I have stemmed many illnesses that were developing through taking steps to self-care and having appropriate support.
This is a huge subject and you really did cover a lot of ground in this detailed article. There are so many beliefs wrapped up in bearing children and being a mother it is ridiculous. I had my first child in my early 20s and it was not planned and because I was at an optimal fertility I fell pregnant again. I had older women that I knew wanted to have children around me and because mine were an ‘accident’ I almost felt a sense of guilt. Now I have many children but only two I birthed, I appreciate that children do not belong to us and they do not take more love because they came from your tummy. I am now aware of the amount of kids that need foster parents, that need love and a home, I encourage anybody that is unable to have a child and wants a family to explore this avenue.
There is definitely a responsibility that comes with bringing a child through into this world, a responsibility to reflect what we naturally come from.
Wow. That is amazing that you can show that there is a different way to be with childbearing, birth, parenting etc. I feel blessed to have in my life the knowing of those pressures but also that I don’t have to go down that route and if I don’t feel to have a child, thats ok.
“In fact I found that the best thing I ever did as a parent was when I ditched the books and looked at each of my children as being their own unique person and to then follow their leads as much as possible.” Love this! I go into a maternity ward as a volunteer to support new parents with breastfeeding. However I feel my role really is to support new mothers to listen to their own instincts and how they want to do things. There are so many books, videos and advice coming from all directions – all so confusing for new parents. I suggest maybe listening to it all – if they feel to – then going with what they feel is right for their situation – which may be different for each child.
A very interesting read Anon, thank you. Cultural, religious, societal and family norms are so debilitating and controlling, taking us away from our true essence and purpose. Thank you for the reminder to feel into and discern these ‘norms’.
I wonder how many people would actually choose to be parents if they felt what was right for them from their whole body and not from pressures, expectations, beliefs or ideals?
Thank you for shedding much needed light on the area of ART and on how medicalised and even, may it be said, depersonalised it has become, despite the counselling and other measures. It seems that we have forgotten to include the way we live and our everyday choices in the fertility equation and just demand of the female body to deliver what it is capable of delivering without ever considering how we are treating it, what we are ingesting and whether we have a connection with it or run it from our mind.
This is really beautiful thank you for writing. I found that we as humanity living so disconnected from our tenderness and delicateness and life is mostly about what we do and achieve and much less about the love we live. Then after a long life of it being about all that deciding it is time for love and a baby is not always working. So I feel it is important to keep a connection with our bodies, our sensitivity and delicacy what ever we do. Then we feel when it is time to have a baby and we will be able to have a baby as we are connected with femaleness or stillness.
It feels really important to treat each child differently as we all respond in different ways, and what works for one, may not be what works for another. The most important thing is to treat every child on earth with the utmost love, and from there a foundation is laid.
Yes True Love is the answer and has all the answers – so simple. But we even complicate that by calling our emotions love when true love has not one ounce of emotion in it.
This is a great blog Anon, it covers so much and I particularly liked the part where you talked about reading books to find the best ways to do things, and there are plenty on the market to choose from, yet if we allow ourselves to deeply feel what we already truly know and to trust that natural feeling we don’t need to reach for a book to know what to do.
In my work as a health practitioner I came across a lot of women who had put off having children till later only to find that they were then unable to conceive. It seems that we need to look more deeply into why we make the decisions we do and to begin to put in place ways that we can be more connected to the wisdom of our own bodies that has a deeper knowing of these things. Seeking support at an earlier age with, for example, an Esoteric Healing Practitioner could be the way to go. Great article. Thank you Anon.
It’s an important read for everyone, but particularly for men who may not realise or appreciate what mum goes/puts herself through.
Such a great post Anon – should be required reading for all families before deciding to have a child…. As a former Health Visitor in the UK I observed that so many women found reality markedly different to their pictures and perception as to how they thought motherhood would be.
I feel part of this is we don’t talk openly about what is really going on in life, it seems to be hidden just how difficult and uncomfortable motherhood can be, instead we have the rosy pictures of it all which are more common. It’s a reflection of the lack of honesty and openness in our conversations, probably because people feel they shouldn’t feel that way or they are a failure somehow by not living the picture perfect image they have.
The quest for a child at all costs… Yes, it can be a costly exercise, taking it’s toll emotionally, physically and financially and more than one partnership has ended as a result of the strain. There would be much to be said for examining the beliefs and needs operating behind the scenes. What is the desire for child really about? If you applied the same rigours to the, say, a quest for a job, you’d be considered quite extreme. Is there a socially approved extreme in operation here?
Thank you for exposing so many of the ideals and beliefs around parenting and how the realities of being a parent are so often glossed over. This means that when we are struggling with any aspect it is so easy to feel a failure which is not helpful for anyone.
This is an interesting and explorative read on parenting and ideals and beliefs associated with it.
With all these familiar situations and issues around pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, I sometimes wonder that any of us have a child, let alone a second or third.
This is the most comprehensive, informative and beautifully written article I have ever read on motherhood. I have gained a much broader insight into this hugely important topic which, directly or indirectly, affects every woman at some point during their lives. With deep appreciation.
Coming back to read this it felt like going through a minefield of should’s and expectations that drive and push men and women to have children, even if it is not what they truly feel to do or their body is capable of such. That imposed way of living (that a woman should be married with children) feels very crushing, equally as the having to toughen up to get anywhere in the working world. But the ending really summed up that all of what you’ve shared need not be necessary if we come back and reflect on ourselves and appreciating where we are rather than believing that we should be somewhere that this current moment/life is not, meeting certain images that constantly re-set the goal posts leaves us in constant anxiousness.
Parenting is such a fascinating subject, and I agree that there is a lot of self help books out there, but not much advice that considers that the relationship you have with yourself is the ultimate influence on your child. It makes sense really when we allow ourselves to consider how much a baby feels and how a small child will very easily mimic the actions of a parent, ‘monkey see, monkey do’ springs to mind. So it seems important that we are looking after ourselves to be the parent we really all want to be, one that raises a healthy independent child who has high levels of self regard and contentment within themselves about who they are.
So many great points in this blog to show up the ideals and beliefs we have around having children – of being a ‘good’ mother, which can extend beyond being a biological mother to how we think we have to behave towards others as a woman and therefore a nurturer and “bringer upper” and we don’t have to subscribe to any of them! “I found that the best thing I ever did as a parent was when I ditched the books and looked at each of my children as being their own unique person and to then follow their leads as much as possible”. How about starting this process with ourselves first?
It is true what is said about not recognising that our mothering for many (Myself included) is based on the ideals and beliefs of others and as you say when I look around I see mothers now parenting in this same way. Competition and being the best mother with the best baby/child is the name of the game but why and exactly at what cost?
The tension that comes into the body with planning parenthood is immense the moment conception doesn’t happen after the first attempt. It may not be loud initially but the doubt and confidence is wobbled because, certainly when I was growing up, there was never a feeling that it wasn’t a given. What you lay out so simply here is the many reasons it may not be a given or smooth sailing, and then practical things to consider to, perhaps, turn that around.
Learning to trust again is for many people such a big step, and yet there is a way of living that enables us to feel that there is indeed a flow to be felt, that there is a current of life that one can be in… Again this is a big step and yet extraordinarily worthwhile.
the way that Universal Medicine simply and easily empowers people to find their own connection to the inner self makes it the go to place for anyone even considering parenthood… Otherwise we just bring all our habits and patterns and belief systems which is incredibly disempowering for everyone
Wow have we made children complicated! This blog only starts to paint the picture of what we have created to be a very emotional, stressful, comparative, conditional way of bringing children into the world. And as is said here – what is worse is that we don’t question it! Ideals and beliefs run very deep in this field, and it is time to stop and ask why we have got to a place where we put so much pressure on ourselves. I gave birth to my first child 3 days ago – and I can say that I have felt from others the ideals creep in, the comments about what to do and how to do it. The approvals of what she looks like, and lots of opinions. And it is my responsibility to her just as much as to me to not take anything on – to keep listening to my body and to her and keep things as simple as possible. This blog is a great reminder of how important that is.
Catholic religion beliefs play a large part of why women act in ‘roles’. I saw it in my family growing up, who were catholics. The men worked and provided, and the women stayed at home to cook and clean. There was a sense of being good and not true. The verbal and physical abuse was evident and unfortunately the norm, with sexual abuse being what it is today in the catholic church – not accounted for and called out for evil that it is.
I cannot believe how strong the belief is to become a parent and what people put themselves through their whole life thereafter. I am learning every day how to parent myself and be responsible for who I am and the enormity of what I bring. Everything after that, including parenting, is a by-product of who you are and the quality you live.
I appreciate the huge responsibility it is to having a baby and nurturing a child, and how important it is that the woman and man need to honour their body in full.
The sense of the medicalisation of the process of childbirth this blog shares is very stark. It feels like a clinical and unfeeling world that acknowledges nothing but that which is proven with cold hard facts. Once again, there is a feeling of disconnection from the essence of our humanity – and maybe this is because we have not yet found a way of measuring this part of ourselves effectively. This does not mean it is not real and a crucial aspect of childbirth. We run the risk of living in a cold, feelingless world if we only allows ourselves to live through that which has been proven by scientists. After all, scientists are generally playing catch up with what we already know in our beingness.
Anon – your words about connecting with babies during pregnancy feel deeply true in an almost unfathomable way. To not do so feels like an absolute disregard of both the unborn child and the mother – and a denial of the enormity of becoming a parent and the responsibility therein. Perhaps this latter point is the reason – to avoid feeling the responsibility. That connection between mother and child is so important – to begin life without it seems rather tragic.
Comparison and competition get everywhere don’t they! I know men are competitive with each other but I hadn’t appreciated that this occurs between women and motherhood. It seems foolish to compare when every situation and every child is unique in itself. It also seems we are very adept at putting issues in our path unnecessarily – but why on Earth would we do so?
Thank you Anon for blowing away a lot of myths about what it is like to have a baby. We have a strong tendency to romanticise this process but clearly it is a lot of hard work, dedication and commitment – with a willingness to feel and learn along the way. I particularly appreciated what you shared here about connecting with the uniqueness of the child themselves, rather than attempting the ‘one size fits all’ approach. Makes a lot of sense to me.
There is so much involved in Parenthood as you have beautifully shown us Anon. It is great that you have shared your experiences and knowledge with all to benefit from. I would agree that it takes quite a while to adjust to having a newborn babe in our lives. This is a truly wise sharing that all could do to read.
This is such an informative blog Anon and makes me realise how many varied ideals and beliefs we have around parenthood. “…but there’s nothing I’ve seen in the current popular media about us being, loving and appreciating our natural selves as the foundation for true child caring and rearing.” What you’ve said here presents the fact that all relationships are firstly built from the strength of our personal relationship with ourselves – this makes sense to me.
Anon, I haven’t never read such a comprehensive article about the topic – having a baby or not. Awesome. What I observed in the past is, that a lot of women put a lot of pressure on themselves, to become a mother. They would do anything to become a mother, if it wouldn’t happen naturally. Nowadays this feels strange to me. If there is such a “push” behind, then my feeling is, that it is better not to have a baby and rather find out, why there is such a need to have a baby. And only then, when the purpose feels great, to plan to have a baby again.
“Self-identity and beliefs regarding femininity, wife/partner, a ‘good’ woman/mother/homemaker, together with qualities such as nurturing, emotional dependence, selflessness and self-sacrifice are all tied in with the idea of ‘good’ motherhood.” – Thank you anon for raising how many ideals and beliefs can hinder women’s (and men’s) true expression and cause much stress if we don’t think that we are living up to the picture we ‘ought to’ be.
I have three children, a girl and two younger boys. I have never been one to follow a book no matter how much another imposed one on me, but I was also not afraid to seek help from a source that I felt I could trust. My children – and whenever I have talked to other parents we have commented on – how different and unique our children are. It is quite uncanny but offers so much in the way of reflection. To not control, impose upon and allow them to be themselves in their own unique way is a constant learning and something I could never learn from a book, but from a commitment to taking responsibility to connect with myself, as I know it is through this connection I know how to be.
Thank you Anon for sharing such an informative article exposing truth around conception and raising children. In those first few months after giving birth, like many women I didn’t take care of myself, placing my baby and every one else’s needs before mine, to end up feeling exhausted. I felt I had to ‘stick it out’, that the sleep deprivation was only for a short while and that’s what came with the package. It is so true that apart from Universal Medicine there is nothing out there that supports us as women to take care of ourselves as a foundation for child rearing, that there is another way to raise children that is in contrast to what we have today, and a way where we feel empowered in our role as a mother.
I know as I was growing up and their was so much pressure around our community where everyone was getting forced to get married at a young age, and as I felt this as a pressure I rebelled an insisted I wanted to study and used this as my way out of not being forced to get married to someone I don’t know. Now things have changed but twenty years too late. If I had a choice back then and no pressure I would have love to have children at a young age.
Wow you have unwrapped many of the myths of motherhood and parenting and brought a great dose of reality to the subject.
Wow Anon you have covered so much in this article. It seems really unfair sometimes that some couples can struggle for a long time doing lots of IVF and not conceive and another couple might conceive on a drunken one night stand. I have seen parents do everything in their power to give their children everything from the best education, stable home life and a helping hand financially, and the children growing up rotten and then a struggling solo parent doing the best they can, and only just getting by, and the kids that turn out really well. So I just feel there is no right or wrong way, as long as we can feel that there is true love without need.
I do notice that considering how a person lives their life, how they feel, how they take care of themselves is an important step that gets missed when preparing for a family – it just becomes all about the baby. So if they live their life exhausted, doing too much and not sleeping well, then when the baby comes why should anything change? It is a really important step to bring awareness too – to consider how we live our lives and the impact it has on everything, and not just when something isn’t ‘going right’.
“I’ve discovered that healthy parenting isn’t about trying to control my children by pushing them to live according to what and how I think they should live (which unsurprisingly hasn’t worked), to stepping back and seeing myself as a role model with the capacity to reflect a steadiness and solidness (although definitely still a work in progress) in how I live my life with care and responsibility.’ This is a wonderful realization and when lived takes off a lot of the burden that parents carry around. It would also make parenting much more enjoyable.
Beautiful said Elizabeth, and absolutely needed in todays world.
This line stood out for me too Elizabeth. There is no doubt that the way I choose to live impacts my children. The choices – good and the not so good – I make in every moment, they see and feel and this no doubt has an effect on their choices. It is my utmost responsibility as a parent to reflect what is possible in every moment, in offering them a way that is deeply caring and honouring of myself and therefore of another. This like Anon is unfolding for me too.
Not taking cultural norms for granted… To actually explore what are these to be truly aware and awake human being, to be able to point out signposts and guide rails to help humanity to come to this point of awareness… This is what is needed now, and this is what this article does.
I know I can personally relate to what you stated around the pressures women are under to ‘bear children’. I did always want children, but some choices around marrying someone who already had kids (3), ensured that I didn’t jump into having my own. Then when we divorced, I was getting older and left feeling like I didn’t fit in, that I wasn’t part of the ‘women brigade’. It is an awful feeling to have. But since then I have developed a deeper relationship with myself, truly feeling and claiming who I am from within, not what the outside world tells me i should or shouldn’t do in order to feel like a woman.
Women can feel very pressured about having children or not, as society paints a certain picture complete with roles and outcomes.
The freedom to be who we are in all our womanly beauty and grace does not depend on any of this, but simply being with that gorgeous female love that radiates from the inner depth of our being. A joy for all to behold!
I have felt the same raegankcairney in not feeling to have kids of my own, I was always judged and often frowned upon. In many cases I was told ‘You’ll change your mind.” This blog is a powerful and honest recount of what is truly felt by people and what society tells us to think and feel.
As with all aspects of our lives, Universal Medicine brings wisdom and clarity to parenting, dispelling myths and enlightening us all.
Absolutely cjames2012, and with that clarity comes the real freedom to feel what is true for us and not be lost in conforming to ideals or beliefs we may have picked up.
My wife and I made a choice to have only one child, but I had quite a few people ask me when we were having another or why we weren’t or assuming that we couldn’t. I didn’t think I let it bother me, but sometimes felt to say “mind your own bloody business we can choose what is right for us if we want to.”
People can be so ready to impose their ideals and beliefs on others either knowingly or otherwise, usually so as not to be exposed in them by the free choices of others.
‘I nonetheless found that it took time to adjust to being a mother. It wasn’t the sweet, glowing ever happy image that it had been portrayed to be..’ It certainly does take time to adjust Anon, but as a mum you can sometime be made to feel inadequate if you are finding it difficult. Self care is not given high enough priority and so we neglect ourselves. If I had done a simple thing like taken naps when my young babies were sleeping I would have been far less stressed and grumpy as a new mum. Having a strong self-care routine before becoming pregnant I feel would have really supported me.
I agree Deborah, when we are waiting for the world to approve of our parenting we are constantly drained. Even if we satisfy one belief their are many other people who will view this as wrong. The only true place we can build strength from is from within through simple things such as eating well, a sleeping routine that supports us and even light physical exercise is of benefit.
Thank you for sharing, it is a very informative blog. So often women feel not enough if they are not having a baby or pregnant. For many, after marriage children are expected but what if the couple do not feel the time is right, or they try and are unsuccessful? It is a huge amount of unnecessary pressure being put on a couple to have children. Then what if they miscarry – any sign of pain etc.. can create anxiousness. Children or no children, everyone deserves to be treated with the same love, care and respect. And for many it may not be right for them to have children, so why force it?
I feel your last sentence is very important “for many it may not be right so why force it?”. It is a very easy bandwagon for us all to jump on, the settle down, then marry, then kids, thing. Yet there is a responsibility for each and every one of us to respect another’s choices and also to discern what the truth is. To love another is to allow them to be, with or without kids.
I fully agree Jenny, ‘To love another is to allow them to be, with or without kids’. Having children as well is something that is worth taking the time to plan and prepare for, this way when they come in they feel fully supported. It is a big responsibility bringing a child into the world.
James what you have shared is so true many couples do go through that, and it is hard when you get caught In that cycle with the anxiousness. It really does take some great understanding of ones life to not get caught in the emotions.
It sure does Amita. The key I have found is committing to as loving a relationship as possible and letting the rest take care of itself. We have so much to learn and understand about life and love is our best guide and teacher.
I have now witnessed how parenting has been transformed from the teachings that are presented from by Universal Medicine and that are being lived by its students. By releasing all the information and advice presented on having children to the best ways to raise them. In my parenting years I can never remember any advice about the best care for the child begins with loving our selves first. These parents are laying a foundation to show there is another way.
“Once I became a mother, I loved that it seemed to bring me closer to my mother. It was like I had gained her approval by having a baby and we now had something in common to chat about.”- This also happened to me when I had a child.
But when I didn’t have a child my mother seemed to see me as less – did not converse with me unless necessary. But after some pondering I feel it was a reflection of my hidden belief too – that until I had a child I was not fulfilled as a woman. The experience of pregnancy had allowed me to deepen my connection with me more, and therefore following the birth of the child I was more willing to let others in.
‘What if these women are given the opportunity to consider that, at their core, neither they nor their bodies are failures?’ This feels deeply supporting for all women but especially so for women trying to conceive… and at the same time breaking so much old consciousness and old beliefs that they have taken on from society and from parents… It feels to me this provides an opportunity for deep healing leading to life style changes that would naturally prepare and support women for conception and parenthood.
‘The reality is that no one is stopping and talking with people about how they are living their lives and whether or not this could be something that is impacting on fertility’, this is indeed what is missing from the story, and very practical in its simplicity, yet powerful, because every single choice we make affects our health and our mental state of being….so to start this conversation makes so much sense.
This blog offers so much and changes the common beliefs that are out there with life lived experiences and wisdom that is so expansive and freeing with a true understanding , responsibility and support for everyone. It offers us another perspective on motherhood, childbirth and parenting and what is our role and purpose in this.Thank you beautiful .
And what an awesome area of work: to be supporting men and women in their relationship with parenting, expanding it out to the bigger picture which inspires responsibility and takes the pressure off the sharp focus on individual ‘performance’. So much of what has been shared here is my experience too: personally, professionally and socially…thank you.
Supporting women to truly live as women is a key part in preparing for becoming mothers. How do we do this? Being able to learn more about, and connect with our cycles is key as they are part of the gateway to our fertility. It is not just being aware of cycle dates or our fertile period, but how we live on a daily basis, and in the different parts of our cycle that actually support us to be fertile in the first place. Rushing, hardening and pushing are of course not going to support this natural flow of fertility, so supporting women to not go into this is key. There is much of this that women are expected, or feel they are expected to do currently as a way of getting through. We therefore need to look at how our societies are run if this is the case, as they are not truly supporting women to be who they are innately.
You have shared many of the misbeliefs, ideals and impositions that surround being a mother Anon. What struck so true with me was ‘there’s nothing I’ve seen in the current popular media about us being, loving and appreciating our natural selves as the foundation for true child caring and rearing.’ This is very true and exactly what is called for and yet most of what is out there is simply perpetuating the beliefs and impositions.
More than often, the mother is consumed and focused on the child and forgets about themselves completely. There is no doubt a first child is a huge learning experience but when we forget about ourselves and have no tools in the bag to care for ourselves, it is a drive straight into a wall.
I actually really loved reading this Anon. You’ve done an awesome job capturing the things that you don’t too often hear about pregnancy, Usually because of the comparison between mothers and trying to look like they have it all together. There was so many great points- “Again there are many myths out there around how natural and easy it is for women to care for a baby, simply because they are female.” and this “I’ve discovered that healthy parenting isn’t about trying to control my children by pushing them to live according to what and how I think they should live” the last one is a great tip for parents.
That is great advise for all mothers and mothers to be, let’s loose the “being good” and connect to the “being true” way of living. Being true feels spacious and expanding, a way of live that allows us to evolve.
Great point Gill, as individuals and as a society we need to learn that there is always a deeper underlying reason for everything. Without judgement and with an open mind and heart, we need to stop and feel what truly is going on for us.
Your point about going deeper with our feelings without judgement is crucial. Maintaining an open heart and non judgement firstly with ourselves is the first step and requires consistent commitment.
There is so much you have shared in your blog Anon. It shows how far we have drifted from living the wisdom we all carry as women. We have created a society where women feel trapped in ideals and beliefs. The answers lie in re-connecting to all that we already are and know, by nature and in essence.
The truth is that women are not truly supported from a very young age in what it is true mothering is. When all the ideals and beliefs about mothering are laid over the truth of it, there is of course many anxieties and constraints that come into play. If we returned to the truth of mothering, which is not actually a solo job, and one where the whole community can actually support from their experience, there would be much less anxiety and a lot healthier family relationships for all.
I for one saw my body as something that needed to be told what to do. I was the instructor and barked out orders to my body about what to do and when. One day my body got sick of the abuse and refused to move. My body is now the boss and I respond to its loving cues. We now have a more more loving and harmonious relationship.
Anon, for me the fact that women get to a point when they decide that they are ready to have a baby and think that to have one is as simple as booking a holiday is a great indication of how separated from our bodies we have become. The fact that every-thing and everywhere is so accessible to us, tricks us into believing that having a baby is simply another product to search up and buy. A baby for many has become more of a product than a divine being. Something to dress, tutor, polish, send away, bring back, mold, garnish, into the perceived idea that we have about what we think a human being should act and look like.
So true anon. You have blown the cover on what parenting is actually like and the associated emotions. It is little wonder with all this going on that we have high incidence of relationship breakdown among parents. My wife and I have huge support with our parenting and don’t feel like we have to do it on our own. If it wasn’t for learning to develop a true connection with ourselves and to support ourselves, through the work of Universal Medicine, parenting would have been a struggle.
This blog offers so much and should be seen by all women. It has a wealth of experience and lived knowingness. With so many ideals and beliefs and what we are told by different people it is often hard to stop connect and truly feel what is true and right for us as who we are with no needs and a real knowing. Our livingness gives us our real strength and beauty and motherhood is a natural part of this for women but can be expressed in so many different ways and all are equally important for us all as a collective in society. Thank you
I agree Gill, we expect the body to do so much and act on command essentially, when we approach it coming from ideals and beliefs. These are what allow us to run our bodies ragged, and push them ways they would never go if asked. When we start the conversation from our body – as in what does my body need right now, and what is truly honouring – then it allows us to be honoured and therefore feel complete. We do need to let go of the ideals and beliefs underlying first however, as it allows us greater acceptance of what is actually needed for our bodies.
The ideal or belief of having children being a ‘rite of passage’ or part of being a woman causes huge torment and damage in our society. Women are very naturally nurturing, and this can be confused for needing to be a mother. The true purpose of mothering has been lost, and instead replaced with many women who become mothers caught up in expectations placed on themselves, or by those around them. We need to return to a way with family that allows all to be truly supported in the process, and without all the ideals and beliefs that surround it currently.
I have not chosen to have a child and however as I was reading through what you have written I could relate to them and felt myself go more and more tense and bewildered by all the information and facts to consider and I have friends who I know have been through a lot of what you mention.
However as I have been inspired by Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health modalities and workshops to connect more deeply with myself as a woman, I have been finding that a lot of what I had assumed as correct and society had prescribed feels neither true nor honouring of the love, preciousness and wisdom that is unfolding from within me. It seems very clear to me now that we need to be educated right from the word go to maintain that level of connection and honouring of ourselves, and only consult advice and guidance from outside as a support to the wisdom and awareness we are already building and expanding from within.
I agree Golnaz, our basis is the wisdom we already carry in us. As women and as mothers we need not achieve anything, we need to connect to our Soul and honour our bodies deeply.
‘…no one is stopping and talking with people about how they are living their lives and whether or not this could be something that is impacting on fertility.’ It seems with this issue, as with many others, we are looking for answers outside ourselves, and possibly even someone or something to blame. As Anon identifies, we need to consider the whole and how we’ve been living in particular.
‘There is massive comparison between mothers around how their babies are growing and developing and there is often a sense of failure and inadequacy if their child is not doing what other babies are doing at the same age and stage.’ Comparison and jealousy underpins so much of our lives as women. Having confidence in our own value, our own worth and not looking to measure it against others’ is surely a quality to develop. From that place we can support each other rather than compete.
Yes Victoria, comparison an jealousy underpins so much of our lives as women and mothers. Just recently I came to see how unique my qualities are as a person and as a women. I cannot compare that to anyone else, it makes no sense. My children need me to appreciate and honour my unique quality and expression so they will feel confident to honour and express theirs. This is the biggest gift we can give them.
I agree Katinka, we all are a unique part of the puzzle and it is crazy that we have come to spend so much time trying to be anything but ourselves, when who we are is absolutely perfect and gorgeous as it is. By living the first we are telling our children they need to be different, by living the latter we are leaving them be as they are.
‘Trying to juggle all the balls at the one time meant that we shared some moments of delight, but these moments were minimal in comparison to the overall sense of needing to do more, be a better mother, wife, home maker etc.’ This sense of needing to do and be more seems to be pervasive in women’s lives, mother or not. Ladies, do we give ourselves a hard time or what?!! It’s time to lighten up and stop trying to do it all.
As Anon observes, there can be a ‘driven, hard, focused energy of achieving pregnancy’. Now what an oxymoronic sentence that is. Pairing ‘driven’, ‘hard’ and ‘focused’ with ‘pregnancy’ is a shocking combination. These words no more belong together in writing than they do in life.
‘In all this busyness there is a lot of focus on ‘doing’ and ‘outcomes’ and very little on taking the time to feel what is going on in their bodies outside of the functional sense. Relationships are pressurised and tense because falling pregnant is the whole aim and real intimacy, playfulness and the joy of being together seems to be lost in the scheme of things.’ Anon, I know you are talking about conception here but insert ‘work’ or ‘raising children’ or ‘sport’ and you could be talking about how we do life today in general. We have lost our connection to quality, replacing it with functionality.
It is no wonder so many people are confused about the whole topic of parenting, from expectations throughout our lives on having or not having children through to how we fall pregnant to the way we parent and how children develop. With all of this it seems clear that we often miss how our own body is feeling, how our relationships are as each person will be different. How freeing would it be to allow each other to feel the truth for them about having children in this life or not? There is no doubt it would be far more supportive for everyone. A great blog that raises points I had not considered before.
Anon the depth of your understanding of the trials of motherhood is incredibly accurate as well as invaluable in the area of health care that you are in. There is no doubt in my mind that you are bringing much needed light into your field of work.
There are so many beliefs and ideals out there about parenting and even so called scientific fact that are not always relevant because we are all very individual. For example in the last ten years I have more deeply cared for myself and body from an increased self worth. My health has improved significantly both physically and mentally and it continues to improve to the point where I am looking younger then what I was 10 years ago when I was in my early 20’s. In fact my internal health is way more pure then the toxic life and body I was living in in my early twenty’s. Also in my 20’s my periods were irregular and I had an array of female reproductive issues. Now my periods are regular and the health issues have completely disappeared. So for me age is not at all a factor for conception until the point that my period and ovulation stop, which for obvious reasons means I can no longer conceive. And in truth my health, vitality and solidness as a women is deepening so having a child in my early 40’s would not be an issue, if this is what I was to choose and may actually be where I need to be at the depth required to have the child I am meant to have. It’s such a blessing to let go of the so called stats and facts of what is best and to totally honour my body and what is true on a much grander scale!
Danielle this is a powerful statement and commitment to allowing your body and your relationship with yourself to be the key focus, as opposed to the drive for having children. It of course may seem obvious now to allow this relationship to build first, but it is not the norm. Being caught up in the ideal of parenting or wanting a child often takes precedence, over what the body truly needs. The way you honour your body, and what has come about for your health as a result is truly inspiring Danielle, thank you.
Thanks Amelia, it’s very empowering to put my own physical and mental health and wellbeing first, before the need to have a baby, and to in fact only choose to have a baby when I know that I can 100% physically and mentally and practically support myself and a baby, otherwise it would actually be disregard to fill a need.
It’s interesting how we can expect our body to work perfectly every time yet give it little to no regard. What confuses people is that there are men and women that do abuse their body and it still seems to work ok, giving the message that it is ok to live in a way that may be considered rough or hardened.
Do not put one’s faith in the false idea of unlimited conception time – the data shows this doesn’t work! I have also observed it ‘ work though listening to women undergoing such treatments – their singular focus, their disappointment, their stress. These facts need to be more widely available and discussed by all to deflate the notion that ‘ART is the answer.’
There are so many assumptions, beliefs and ideals around motherhood and what it means to be a woman – and so little, if any, space offered to honour oneself and, from there to discern what it actually means to be a woman – why would this be the case, and, as the writer shares here, why are only so very few challenging this set up?
Like so many other aspects of our lives, motherhood and parenting are usually viewed as a set of formulas or rules which, once applied, work wonders. If they do not work wonders, the implication is that there is something awry with how you have applied the rules, or with you yourself, that you are unable to apply them effectively. It is very rare to find the recommendation to tune in to yourself and to the child and then act upon the reading you get from that.
‘ Do they feel vital or are they feeling constantly exhausted? What is their sense of themselves as women? What are their beliefs around motherhood and family? What is the quality of their sleep and diet?’
What great questions to ask a woman considering becoming pregnant.
What an informative article Anon. I remember being a mum for the first time and having a feeling of failure because my daughter was not walking by 12 months and all the other children of the same age were. Its is crazy the comparison we go into and the pressure we put ourselves and our children under.
And isn’t this just one of so many ways we berate ourselves as mothers, endlessly fuelled by the evil hand of comparison? When our children walk, talk, what they will or won’t eat, their sleep rhythms…
Cue self-acceptance, surrender and teamwork for a whole new way of parenting, social collaboration and enjoyment of life.
Yes, the comparisons always put so much pressure on us, that is terrible. Trusting the process and the growth of the child in his own speed seems to be very liberating.
We want children and become a parent while in truth, we don’t even have a relationship with ourselves. Shouldn’t we first start with having a relationship with ourselves and build a foundation of love, before we become pregnant?
Mariette this is something that needs to be addressed very early on, ideally as part of the school curriculum. It was not something I had ever considered before hearing the presentations of Serge Benhayon. Having a loving relationship with ourselves first is crucial to any relationship and even more so when raising children.
I agree, this needs to be addressed very early on and yes, while in school. Having a relationship with yourself and building a foundation of love is key for everything in life, not only with becoming a parent. What about all those relationship issues that we have and that so many people get a divorce? This has to do because we don’t have a sense of who we are and because we don’t have a relationship with ourselves.
Yes I agree Debra and Mariette. If having a relationship with ourselves was the first and foremost most important part of any relationship we want to develop and was a natural way of life taught and role modelled in families and education, the need to be a parent and school girl pregnancy rates would very likely be greatly affected.
Yes Mariette – I sometimes wonder if some people want children so they can love and parent them in the way they would like to be loved and parented themselves. There is integrity in living love and parenting ourselves before we conceive.
well said Deanne, and I agree. if we do not have a loving relationship with ourselves are we then not putting an enormous pressure on our children to deliver this love to us?
True, it is important to have a loving relationship with ourself first and foremost, otherwise we become needy and seek outside of ourselves for what we are not prepared to give ourselves, which feels horrible and never works.
A superb informative, insightful and thought provoking article that is a must not only for parents to be but also for those who are already. Through sharing your own change of understanding and approach to parenting you share that it is never to late to learn and adjust. “I’ve found the real ‘medicine’ of parenting extends way beyond the boundaries of being a biological parent to the ways I choose to live all of my life from the smallest to the largest detail.” This is so true.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your knowledge Anon. When young women say to me that they want to have a baby I always gently remind them that this means a 20 year commitment to another human being. Babies are never babies for very long
Yes kathleenbaldwin, women give birth to a baby but really the way it is viewed needs to change to that of bringing a new person into the world…this is a lifetime committment.
This blog is amazing! I kept wondering as I was reading it just how simple it would be if we made child bearing and all of these decisions around bringing another into this world simply about Love, True Love that is and let go of the emotional complications the mind can create. It does not matter what the circumstance is before us so long as what is lived is Love.
I agree Joshua – love should be the foundation of everything. Love can melt the biggest iceberg – love is our way.
The enormous responsibility that comes with parenting is not yet mastered by us. There is such a great learning in parenting – that we do not own our children and that we just can inspire them by what we live on our own. Even by not having children we are role models and teachers all the time for the people around us. To take your part, live in integrity and inspire by developing is the way to go – in fact we are all guardians for humanity.
There is enormous responsibility and learning that comes with parenting, and it is on going.
Wow. As I read your blog Anon I could feel the enormous imposition and pressure that women have put on themselves to subscribe to an ideal that has nothing to do with truly supporting women, but about perpetuating a picture that keeps us endlessly on the look-out outside of us to seek the solution that will make us feel better about ourselves. Society’s influences and pictures that we all grow up with, keep feeding us with the beliefs that a woman hasn’t made it until she has done this and that and rearing children is certainly on that list. The end result is to disempower women from knowing and appreciating their true worth and beauty that is innate within them regardless of whether they choose to have children or not.
So true Katerina, well said. With all the pressure and ideals that can burden women, “the end result is to disempower women from knowing and appreciating their true worth and beauty that is innate within them regardless of whether they choose to have children or not.”
It is as if we sabotage each other Katerina, directly and indirectly. There is so much judgment, it makes it quite difficult for women, and men alike, to feel accepted for just being themselves.
I’ve seen a few news stories recently on women and their choice to have children or not, there was one example where a young women publicly stated she didn’t want children and received death threats on twitter, that seems an incredibly extreme reaction and perhaps shows how invested we are in woman taking on certain roles. To me it shows our values are completely skewed if we need woman to have babies to make their life of worth. Its a strong message that needs to be countered with a deep love for people just as they are. Nothing outside of our body should ever define who we are or our place in society.
It can be threatening to some when a woman without children, without a partner stands solid in her own presence and doesn’t need what society tells her she needs in order to define herself. When a woman has claimed herself she offers a powerful reflection to everyone around her and it can expose what another has chosen to distract and identify themselves, seeking and seeking, not feeling enough, being disconnected.Keeping a woman in her place has a deeper more insidious meaning than we might realise.
This is a very powerful statement Katerina and I can feel the truth in what you write, it is certainly true that we create constructs of how woman should be and that to stand out from these constructs is unsettling for a great many people. it is great to express this and begin to dismantle these false beliefs about how women are meant to behave.
Staying at home making the children 100% of the focus can be very isolating. “Women say they feel like they went from being ‘someone’ in a job to a ‘no one’ in the home. There is often resentment that their partners are able to go off to work each day and that they feel that partners don’t appreciate how hard it is to care for a baby.” There is a myth that being a mother means giving all in a self sacrificing way, but whenever you make yourself lesser there is resentment because it is not true. Raising children used to be the shared responsibility of everyone in the community.
Yes, it certainly was… And I can feel so strongly how glorious it was and will be again to raise children not in the identification of being a good mother, but raising children from true love and nourishment that starts with the woman nourishing herself deeply and knowing that she along with many more women and men in the community are there to raise the child to be all that he or she is. That’s the glory of true community.
Bernard I can totally relate to what you have written about the result of “making the children 100% of the focus”. I did, because I believed that is what a mother was supposed to do. It certainly felt very isolating, and often very scary, to me, and definitely affected the way I cared for myself, putting myself way down the list of who to care for, which I now know was not a very loving reflection for my children. But it’s never too late to make a change, and today they get to see a mother who puts herself right at the top of the who-to-care-for list.
Is our feeling of isolation Ingrid, for two reasons? One being the nuclear family, where a woman is at home on her own, rather than in previous times the family being around her and even all living in the same house, so there is an experience of other babies and anxieties and tasks and women’s wisdom can be shared, and an enormous amount of support given. This makes it clear that what is needed these days is the building community and brotherhood. The other reason, as expressed here, is that if we do not know and feel our inner woman’s essence and wisdom, we will naturally feel alone.
Yes Bernard, there did used to be a sense of community and shared responsibility for children. I remember other adults looking out for me and my sister growing up and we lived close to other relatives who sometimes cared for us. It reminds me of an old African proverb that states ‘it takes a whole village to raise a child.’ Now families are in their individual silos and it can be very isolating for parents to go it alone. I was very lucky to have my mum nearby when I was a new parent and this was a tremendous support.
There is a ‘subtle’ and often overt pressure to have children as a woman. I felt the pressure and I have observed others take this on as well. For me it came back to trusting how I felt. I felt like children would be part of my life, it was a powerful feeling and yet it got caught up in the societal pressures that are all around. I never needed to go into to my head and weigh up the fors or against. I just could go back to what I felt, and this is what I did. It felt true for me and I went with that. This is where knowing or getting to know ourselves is so vital it clears any ifs and buts we can feel from pressure all around us.
Society places an enormous pressure on women to have children, I agree. We seem to fall for the belief that it completes our lives and can often be a strong motivation for marriage. At the end of the day every woman should be encouraged to stop and feel what is correct for her, as you did Samantha. Raising children is an enormous commitment and can be quite scary. The more we are encouraged to connect to our true inner qualities first and foremost, our deep stillness and tender innate nurturing, the more we will realise that having children is not the be all and end all in life, but if we choose to we give ourselves a much stronger footing from which to raise and parent them.
I thought I knew what I felt Samantha, I felt I really, truly wanted a baby. In retrospect I can see there were many pressures that underlay this feeling, the whole cultural consciousness around the roles of women at that time (the 1960’s), my tendency to give up in the face of a challenging job I could not cope with, and the dependency on the image of mother as a role model that would make me feel I was worthwhile. I never even recognised one bit of that at the time. I realise now I was very much in the same position as many of the men and women in this present day that Anon mentions, who have never been met, and never received affirmation for how precious they are and all they can bring of themselves to life, so never had this reflected for them. You and Anon are great reflections for the many women who feel so lacking in worth they cannot connect with their true feelings, but depend on outside sources for information and solutions.
I agree there is a lot of pressure on us women to have children, my greatest pressure came from my mum. It is really important to take time to connect to you and see what feels true for you in respect of having children or not.
I like your reminder that it is so important to trust what we feel. Our body knows what is needed in every single moment and our body can tell us as well, if it wants to bear children or not.
This is a great reality check of what child rearing and the modern life is like for so many people, it certainly was for me, I found it very difficult to just be myself and be with my child and often feel inadequate for only having ‘one’ child, there are so many ideals that surround parenting whether you have child or not that it can feel overwhelming. The more I let go and just be myself the more I enjoy being a parent as it is just an extension of myself and my expression.
Interesting perspective Vanessa, so not only not having children, but only having one child can bring up feelings of inadequacy, it’s remarkable the strength of the beliefs we have imposed on us by society and it is all a huge illusion. Because whether we have one child, none or 15, we are still the same person, still absolutely beautiful on the inside and the more we can accept that, the more we can parent as ourselves and not as a label or a belief of what a Mother (or Father) is. And as an aside, your one child Vanessa is absolutely adorable 🙂
So once you’ve met the ideal of having a child, then there is another waiting there for you around having more than one child.
This reminds me of a choose your own adventure book, but here it is based on ideals and beliefs. There are so many to choose from and each one is going to present a whole new array of demands. pressures and expectations that are completely untrue and unachievable.
Yes one belief can easily lead to the next belief and everything can be easily just about me and my needs. What I had found so liberating was, as I realized, it is not about me and my needs, it is always about everybody and the question – what is the call of humanity in this moment ?
That’s beautiful Vanessa – “The more I let go and just be myself the more I enjoy being a parent as it is just an extension of myself and my expression.” And I agree it’s great to have this blog sharing and raising things that many parents may feel but may not want to talk about as think they should be doing better.
It’s so crazy isn’t it? Live up to one ideal then get hit with another one. Anyone observing the state of humanity from afar could be forgiven for thinking we are being played like fiddles, being set up to fail, for when we reach the peak of one ideal or belief, we stand up, look around and breathe a sigh of relief, only to be hit squarely in the face with the next peak to try to conquer. It’s a game we’ve all bought into, but we can choose to stop at any time. How long we continue to indulge in the game after realising this, is the million dollar question.
It is strange that the way we live, or have lived is not taken into consideration when we are discussing our health, that is with the exception that it is broadly recognised smoking and drinking are both harmful whilst trying to conceive and in all areas of health
Yes – very often we pretend, that our previous choices don’t have anything to do with our current health and we expect, that the doctor should heal us in 5 minutes. To take responsibility for our past choices is so powerful, that is the way to go forward.
This is an incredibly valuable article on your experiences with young women and their relationship with motherhood. You have started a very needed discussion of something which is so often not spoken about as women are supposed to thrive in motherhood, not struggle and find it difficult to adjust to the transition. Society portrays motherhood with rose tinted glasses and if it does not live up to this many women blame themselves for not being enough or doing it right rather than accepting the qualities they bring and that there is no need for perfection.
Yes it is great to have a non-judgmental discussion around the difficulties that can be faced in motherhood so that women aren’t just bottling up problems because they think they should be perfect or live up to an ideal.
I agree Anonymous, with the Medical system only with a clinical focus parents are missing out and could benefit from a holistic approach you outlined: “It could be quite confronting to some women to be asked to consider how they are going in their everyday lives: what’s their sense of themselves as a woman? Do they feel vital or are they feeling constantly exhausted? What is their sense of themselves as women? What are their beliefs around motherhood and family? What is the quality of their sleep and diet? What if there was more happening here than just a ‘biological glitch’?”
Yes it’s an incredble time of adjustment and upheaval and re- establishment of sense of self. There is much opportunity in pregnancy to connect deeply within, to the richness and stillness. This can provide a strong foundation for parenting if it is appreciated for the value it has to give a woman, in the challenging times ahead.
So true Felicity. Pregnancy and childbirth offer such an opportunity to support women and their families. It starts with honesty. What is shared in this blog is very open and honest.
Anon, this is an amazing article that I feel should be front page news. You’ve really brought a very serious topic of discussion forward in a very understanding way without any judgment.
It would be so healing for this blog to be front page news. So much is covered that is so true for most women, mothers or not. None of this gets said so clearly and so much that’s left unsaid is there left festering. It needs to be out in the open so that myths can be disspelled and women can appreciate themselves for who they are whatever choices they’ve made around motherhood.
I agree Karin. It would have been very supportive for me to have read this before becoming a parent. Not that I would have changed my mind, but it certainly would have made me consider things I had not before. My idea of parenting has changed a lot over the years and in particular since becoming a student of Universal Medicine. My biggest lesson has been that if I am not treating myself with love and care, then my actions do not come with that love and care. When I am walking my talk, its the best lesson I can give to my children.
Yea agreed. I think it would free a lot of women who think they are failing. Realising most go through the same thing.
Yes Elodie – the content of this amazing article should be known by everybody in this world. This article exposes so many beliefs and ideals around motherhood. It is time, that the world hears about it.
‘It’s all more like a set of rules made according to what the author believes is the best way to care for a baby and it doesn’t encourage parents to use their own natural instincts with their children.’ Whilst I don’t have children of my own, almost every friend of mine does and I can see the anxiety they experience through pregnancy and then post birth with the amount of information thrown at them. Everyone has an opinion, it doesn’t stop, and it makes it impossible to remember that maybe, just maybe they may have the answers instinctively.
True. There are so many differing opinions and in life we can sometimes ignore what we know to be true inside.
Beautiful Elodie – each child is completely different and so it makes sense to care for each differently depending on what is required.
Anon, this blog exposes the ideals that many women have around ‘good’ motherhood and how they can be “completely overwhelmed by the demands of caring for an infant.” This is a job that we are not trained for, unless we have looked after younger siblings or done baby-sitting very few of us are prepared for motherhood for no-one trains you for this job. Though it can come naturally, our beliefs can get in the way of us fully reading the child and responding to what is needed. This is a job with no status in western culture and very little thanks from anyone and many women can “feel like they went from being ‘someone’ in a job to a ‘no one’ in the home”, and a resentment can then build up coupled with guilt for feeling that. The more a woman values herself the more she will value her role as a mother for she will not be completely identified with the role but will be a woman who is a mother, not a mother who overlooks the fact that first she is a woman.
What you write is so true – it is for women first and foremost to value themselves in their role as mothers, if that is what they choose to be, and not seek fulfilment, acceptance and recognition from the outside because they are a mother.
That would make all the difference Gabriele.
Beautifully said Gabriele – appreciation of ourselves is so important. Each role – no matter which one – doesn’t feel right. We can be ourselves in every situation, no matter what we are doing.
This is so well said Sandra. It’s incredible how little value raising children is afforded in our society. It makes me also think of how little value is placed on our teachers who educate our children. Both roles are unvalued and under-appreciated and yet these are the two main role models in the lives of our growing children. I’m sitting here scratching my head at how it is possible we, as a society have got it so wrong.
It is incredible how little value is placed on the woman to stay at home and raise her child. I have felt a pressure at times to go to work in the past nine years while I stayed at home and raised our three children. I stood up and expressed (in reaction most of the time) knowing that a lot of women went back to work because mothering didn’t give them the identification and recognition they had when they were working. It is so supportive and very confirming to read a blog that exposes this truth.
What we seem to fail to understand as a society is that it is a choice and neither one is better or less than the other. You’re spot on Caroline when you call out the need for recognition – the way we have devalued the job of raising children plays havoc with some women who are mothers who garner self-worth from what they do. How ironic that there is also the flip side to this, women who are child-free for whatever reason are seen as being less by so much of society. It’s a lose-lose situation if what other people think is important to you.
I agree Lucy, whenever we give our power away worrying about what others think, it is a lose-lose situation. Whether we are child-free, go back to work or stay at home to raise children, I have come to realise it is all to do with my self worth and how I feel about myself as a woman. The more I honour myself as a woman and accept my choices the less I allow for anything from the outside to have an impact on me.
I agree Caroline. I have always admired people who do not care what others think of them but it would often be in a way that was dismissive or judgemental of the other – coming from protection from being hurt. Nowadays I am inspired by those who have built a beautiful foundation of self-love in their bodies which sends self-worth through the roof and makes what others think as simply not important.
There is lot to ponder on, I agree Lucy. Something is not right – somehow our education system has to be completely renewed. Children need real role models and first and foremost it should be about connection and to teach children, what it is like just to be ourselves.
How hard can it be? All we have to do is give ourselves permission to be ourselves!
It’s interesting what you write Sandra as it feels like more and more the status of mothering has become belittled, it is not enough to be a mother as it is now expected for women to be working and mothering at the same time. Yet the nurturing qualities that woman can so naturally bring through are something that should be cherished and adored. That is not to say that women should not work, or that men can and should not be heavily involved in the role of bringing a child up, more that we need to support all women to place that value on themselves and raise children from a place of high self worth. Man or woman, the less issues around self acceptance that are brought to the role of parenting, the greater the potential for the child to grow up healthy and balanced.
Beautifully said Sandra. I can very much relate to feeling the resentment coupled with guilt for feeling the resentment in the first place because of my need for the recognition and appreciation for staying at home and raising our three children. What I have always known and has supported me enormously is that it felt a true decision for me to stay at home and whenever I went into comparing myself with another women this is what I came back to. “The more a woman values herself the more she will value her role as a mother…” – this is key, a beautiful reminder of a continuing unfolding of my appreciation and acceptance of myself and the qualities I bring as a woman.
What a great role model you are for your children Caroline.
Such a wealth of lived knowledge you are sharing here and a great discussion you have started Anon. We need to talk about these things much more and it is great that someone with your background is willing to write all this down for others to be inspired by.
Yes Judith this blog is so honest and it is great that this topic is being shared. There is so much about motherhood that is not spoken about and holds back the truth that many women are feeling.
I agree Judith, we need to be talking about these issues. There is a lot of shame associated with feeling like you are not enjoying being a parent and it can be difficult to talk about this. From what has been shared in this blog this is common, but support is available. I feel that this blog is hugely supportive and have shared it with a family member who is having their first child soon.
What I found when we had our child is that nothing really prepares you for how hard it is. Everyone tells you all the good bits and how great it is but no one is completely honest about the work involved. It gave me new respect for my mum and dad who had eight kids, mainly my mum as in those days the woman mainly did everything to do with the children.
Great that you share that Kev. Parenthood is so idealised by so many of us, and only the good bits are shared in case some judgement of being a failure or a bad parent should be aimed at us. If more people were honest about how challenging it can be I have no doubt there would be far fewer stressed and depressed parents around, and therefore children being placed under less pressure to perform the role their parents expect of them.
Great blog! It is incredible how strong these beliefs are that a woman naturally will have a baby and that will bring her happiness and fulfillment, it stops us from truly considering where we are at in our life and what is the right thing for us. It needs to be said that fulfillment will never come from something outside but can only be found on the inside.
So true Judith, and to have a baby from a need for fulfillment places a terrible burden on the child.
Good point Catherine. Children can feel when something is expected or needed of them as opposed to being allowed to just be themselves.
I agree, and our society is set up already in its ideals and beliefs around motherhood that mostly there comes in a need instead of being open and refer to a deep inner knowing.
Great comment Catherine “to have a baby from a need for fulfillment places a terrible burden on the child” that is so true and the child would absolutely feel that burden and all of the expectations placed on it to meet a need in the parent.
I agree Catherine. This is a terrible imposition to place on a child, to fill a void in the parent. Since becoming a parent I have felt that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child is to deal with their own issues and not impose their own hurts, judgements, ideals and beliefs on their child.
Agree Catherine, the child is not considered here at all.
So true Judith, nothing external can fill an internal void, especially not a child.
It’s a great point and I have learnt that even though I was unaware of it, this was definitely something I placed on my children. Undoing that has been a healing and exposing for the whole family, as it has exposed generations of the same pattern of behaviour.
So well said Judith. The ideals are what keeps us trapped in trying to improve/ better ourselves and our lives. Rather then realising how amazing we are. The chase of trying to make and get ‘it’.
It’s crazy how the belief that women will naturally have babies and if they are unable to, in some religions and cultures they are looked down at, that there is something wrong with them, and they are mistreated and rejected from their families.
I’ve noticed over the past few years that women’s magazines seem to now portray women with babies as the ideal – front covers adorned by a beautiful (and photoshopped) woman with a beautiful baby. It’s as if Hollywood has made having a baby the ‘must have’ accessory. And so everyday women see this, and compare themselves with this. It’s just another picture out in the world telling women this is what success looks like.
It is terrible but true what you write here Sandra, “…Hollywood has made having a baby the ‘must have’ accessory.” It gives us the illusion a baby is like a new handbag and totally leaves out the immense responsibility that we need to live when we bring up a child.
I agree Judith – our beliefs and ideas can put so much pressure on us, no matter in which area of life. And as you say – everything that we need is inside us. A baby can’t fulfill our needs.
The richness of expression in these comments and replies is amazing. There is such a deep understanding of our bodies, our choices, and a way of living that feels so complete. As a whole, they bring together the ageless wisdom and modern medicine and prove that they can coexist and become a way to live life with a rich quality.
Anon, thank you for this down-to-earth blog which takes away the illusion about Assisted Reproduction Technologies. I’ve seen how ‘getting pregnant’ can become a huge issue and it takes away the pleasure of making love and can cause friction between a couple. Your practical experience brings an authority to your words which will help many women to look more closely at the issues they may have around pregnancy and being a mother.
‘The best thing I ever did as a parent was when I ditched the books and looked at each of my children as being their own unique person and to then follow their leads as much as possible.’ I found that too, Anon, that when I stopped looking to others to tell me what to do I somehow knew what to do and was no longer imposing on the children. By taking responsibility in this way I was able to respond to what was needed in the moment even if that meant to drop what I wanted to do and give them my full attention or to set boundaries that stopped them manipulating the situation. Each child is unique and their needs are different so to impose the same set structure on them all hampers their expression and gives them a sense that they have to fit in, instead of allowing them to bring all of them to what they do.
What a blessing you offer all the people who you meet. To be able to reflect a truthful connection with your self and parenting without the ‘list of prescribed expectations’ must feel so supportive to new parents. With this they would actually be able to let go of much tension and this alone would initiate a deeper more intuitive connection with their baby and a trust in themselves that they know what to do next.
Thank you for sharing your experience Anon, there is a lot going on when children come into our lives things get busy. It is an intense time of great stepping up to responsibility as every personal and social issue comes up as you so well describe.
What is amazing is that the work of Serge Benhayon around self-care can literally transform any area of life, and any profession. Whether it is motherhood, accounting, or teaching for example, the principles of self-care apply the same way and provide a foundation that benefits everyone.
Very interesting that you mention that couples when trying for pregnancy can often become very focused on achieving conception itself and very little focus or attention given to their intimacy, their relationship or how they feel about each other. This could go for everything in life, we tend to have versions of results that are desirable and investments in things that we want but ultimately we miss out on true quality connection and a natural way of being if we try and force things to happen.
A really detailed insight into the complexity that can arise from mothering! Thank you for sharing your experience and your knowledge on this subject.
I love the delicate way that this article is written about. When we’re approaching pregnancy or fertility from beliefs and / or ideals it is usually black or white, yes or no. There’s little to no space to really stand still and explore what we feel. There’s a fastness in society that doesn’t allow us to take everything we feel into consideration. And there’s a lot! As choosing to wanting a baby is something that is very impactual, it feels to me as if it would be greatly beneficial to truly feel deeply into this choice. Both individual and together.
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
Het doorbreken van de mythes / fabeltjes over #vruchtbaarheid / #moederen / #zwangerschap, etc. Van een vrouw die dagelijks werkt met #vrouwen en #babies.
I carried the challenges of parenting and felt the strain until I began to work on myself. I always accepted that kids were here to teach me something, but found myself caught in the emotional valley at times. The more I dedicated time to parent myself with self-care, love and understanding, I started to be far less sandwiched in the emotion of parenting. Now I have an incredible relationship, detached yet connected and constantly pouring love towards them. I speak to them like adults and share my days with them. I hear so many other parents wish away certain ages or phases of parenting and I can only contribute one thing and that I wish nothing away and love every second.
Thank you Anon, it’s great to read such an open, honest and informative article on parenting and all that comes with becoming a mother. As I do not have a child I had not previously deeply considered what you have presented – but you have provided much to ponder on.
This blog covers so much and challenges so many preconceived notions around childhood. Fantastic…
There was absolutely a moment when I literally just picked up all the parenting books and threw them in the bin outside. I had had enough of being told what to do by a set of standards laid out by literature that did not know me or my family. Since that day parenting has been about the relationships I have with my children, an ever evolving journey that teaches me so much each day.
“The socially accepted norm that motherhood is a taken for granted goal, instinctive and fulfilling for females shows no regard for individual choice or circumstance” – agree Anon, as a single by choice and again child-free by choice woman of 41.. and add to the mix that not only am I able to conceive, but additionally also adore kids and mothering kids comes naturally to me… leaves most people feeling perplexed or bewildered given this norm that you expose. Kids, babies are all wonderful to have, though having them , or not having them are not the makers or destructors of any woman in regards ‘being a woman’. I feel already complete within myself as a woman, though in my 20’s to early 30’s this was not the case and the tick-tock fertility checklist left me with huge anxiety.. ‘to find a man’.. ‘to have the kid’. Developing a relationship with myself thankfully dissolved anxiousness around ‘having kids’ so that I could clearly see and clearly choose what felt right or true for me.
To know if and when we are ready to start a family is one where the decision needs to be based on some knowledge and our personal situation, but making it more about feeling what is in our heart, not our head. A truly wonderful sharing of all areas involved in becoming a Parent!
The demands and stress we place on our bodies when they don’t perform to the expectations or picture of how we think life should be are what leads to illness and disease.
A very important and informative blog Anon. one that all women and men should read in their child rearing stage of life. This is a completely different approach to the question of if, and when, we want children or not. For those who are having difficulties falling pregnant, you have given some extremely valuable information that would make a huge difference to their understanding of the whole process of ART.
My attitudes toward parenting used to be largely about function and desire (fundamentally selfish) – will I, won’t I, when, how, with who, how many, what do I want for my children … and so on, with little real responsibility for the quality behind any of my decisions and choices.
These days I am so much more aware of the affect of the quality in everything I do, thanks entirely to the work of Medicine and Serge Benhayon. I wonder how much the emotional and complicated minefield that parenting can be would diminish with more of this kind of responsibility being taken?
This is a good question and I can feel how parenting and being a child could be completely different as all parties would become more responsible and how we are within our family would change too as the roles and behaviours would be different.
This is a great blog and I can relate to a lot being shared. I was one of those women who wanted to travel, have a career, be married, have security before I had children. I always thought fertility would be indefinite, little did I know until later on in life that this is not true. In short, I did not marry until my early thirties. It wasn’t until mid thirties we started to try for a family, we soon found out I was running out of eggs. Just so we did not miss the window we were advised to have IVF, it failed, caused major stress and depression. I then came across Universal medicine and began to understand what state my body was, exhausted and depleted, no wonder my body was not ready to have a child. A few years later having been working on self care, my exhaustion disappeared and health improved. I then went through natural IVF so with minimal drugs, no side effect, I fell pregnant but miscarried after 8 weeks, defect foetus. Attempted it again, this time cracked egg. After that we gave up as we were told we only had 10% chance. The lack of knowing my body and that fertility depreciates with age when I was younger, was a big factor in my life. Now I have a healthy body, but fertility is low. Instead we have decided to look at other ways of becoming parents.
Your story Amita shares for why this blog is so needed. The understanding offered in this blog brings love to health education and health care. Thank you Anon for writing about something that can support so many.
I love how you hint that there are indeed other ways of becoming parents, other than just biological processes with shared DNA. Some of the most amazing mothering I have known has come from people in my life who mothered me, yet had no biological connection to me. I love how we can also learn to mother ourselves, it doesn’t have to come from others, or from a mythological mother figure.
This topic is huge for every woman – I know the pictures we grow up with even if they are not huge from our families seem unescapable from society. I know when I was young,as soon as I was in a long term relationship the questions started: “When are you getting engaged?” then “When are you getting married?” then, “When are you having a baby?”, “It must be time for another baby”. The pressure was huge, as was the judgement for anyone that didn’t fit society’s picture of how life should be for women. Back when I had children it was expected that a mother would stay at home with the children until they were all at school and mothers that put their children into day care were frowned upon.
yes I too remember the same pressure from careless comments and assumptions from other people. I too remember how much I wanted to just be left alone instead of having to answer to others expectations about getting married and having kids. I am now also very careful not to impose on others regarding this, I don’t even make such comments to my kids. I make sure if I ever mention getting married, I explain it as an option but not an automatic part of life.
There is so much to pounder in this article. Universal Medicine students such as you Anon are offering the gift of your steadiness and solidness to intensely medicalised women. I picture Universal Medicine’s tendrils reaching all aspects of society and offering another way of being and doing by the simple observation of its student body and practitioners. “I also know beyond doubt is that the more I gently reflect this as my way of living, the more people are open to what is being offered to them.”
Anon this is an amazing article really. With so many gems. I did however ponder on this ‘During the pregnancy many women report to me that they aren’t willing to allow themselves to bond with their baby due to the fear that something may yet go wrong and they will lose the baby. They feel that until they are actually home with a healthy baby they won’t believe that everything is OK.’ So why are we not ‘bonding’ regardless of whether this tiny human survives or not? Is bonding connecting with love regardless of the outcome or is bonding attaching and conditional? There is so much to consider and support women with before and after as they bring another into the world.
It is a very important question to answer for ourselves, as to whether we actually want to have a child or not, and what it will mean to our lives. That goes for both men and women.
So true Naren. This question is so big and should not be answered just based on societies ideals and our own beliefs about what it is to be successful as a human being.
I agree, kathrynfortuna. To do so is to ignore our own purpose in life, which may or may not include children, but the judgement of either choice is not for others to make, or for ourselves to make based on another’s views.
Very true Naren it is important to feel into and process why we want to have children if we feel we want then at all. It is important not to put pressure on our children to influence them either way. When my daughters were young I always bought them as many trucks, cars and other toys that were considered boys toys as I did what were considered girls toys. One of my daughters was drawn towards dolls, prams and played predominantly with them and the others barely played with then and preferred animals and other what were considered boyish actives without being considered tomboys. They all chose to dressed as very feminine little girls but had the freedom to play with whatever they chose.
Totally Naren, the same does indeed apply for men too.. it’s not just about those who give birth to life, the women, but equally those who create that life too, the men. Each gender has a responsibility.
Both genders definitely should have a say in the decision to have a child or not, and in most relationships I am sure that it is a joint decision. However, there can be pressure coming from a source external to the relationship which can be trying to exert itself over the decision.
This is something that can play on both men and women, as we both can have ideals around having a child in order to fit a picture of what we think life is supposed to be, for example the need in many men to have a son to pass something on to, be that property, wisdom, a name or an heirloom. This kind of pressure can be huge and imposing upon all people involved, including a child born into that.
I agree Naren, going beyond the ideals and beliefs we have can be very revealing in this regard.
What stood out for me in this great article is the very functional way our bodies can be viewed and the demand we can place on them if they are not performing to the expectation or pictures of how we think they should be. This functional way overrides any commonsense or responsibility we have in terms of the way we live and the choices we make that can affect the quality and harmony of our body. Or to even see, feel or read our bodies as indicators that are highlighting something for us.
Very true Marcia, I had an absolute expectation that my body should do all the things it was expected to do without even considering I might need to look after myself beyond general diet and exercise or take notice of the very obvious ’cause and effect’ of certain choices. However since hearing the many presentation Serge has made on the body, and how we can view it from a holistic perspective as a part of every aspect of life (after all, we can’t do anything without our body being there!), I now have an appreciation of the marvel my body is, what it can communicate and what is suited/supportive, and what is not.
This is a good point made here Marcia and Rosanna about the functionality of the body and one I can relate to especially when I had children. I had all these ideas and pictures around how I should be parenting that I never once considered how my body was feeling and that how I treated myself mattered in terms of how I then was able to mother. For example my drive to be the the one feeding my child at times resulted in being brought our baby to breastfeed even though I was ill in bed. Getting support or considering another way was not an option. Thank goodness Universal Medicine has shown that self care and self love of our bodies has to be there first in all relationships.
Agree Rosanna and what Serge Benhayon presents is very practical and makes absolute common sense. He offers a fundamental understanding of who we are and the wonders of our body and its connection to true health, well-being and vitality that should actually be a natural awareness. Somehow along the way we had conveniently forgotten these key words – ‘taking responsibility’.
yes I too felt the same, I got pregnant easily and then spent Several months bemoaning the lack of champagne in my life….. gosh I can so look back and see things so differently! I now LOVE being alcohol free, and I love how much more I enjoy socialising without it.
Very true Marcia and Rosanna, we expect our bodies to be full of vitality and most of the way we live is in complete disregard. Responsibility and common sense is the basis of a holistic approach.
Well said Marcia and agree with you, ‘function overrides feeling’ – feeling what is true and in this taking responsibility for choices that shape not just our lives, but the lives of others too.
This blog has really brought to light the huge extent to which people are making decisions about having children based on ideals and beliefs that they have adopted from other people about what they ‘should do’ before really asking themselves what they feel would be right for their lives. This shows just how much we all can live our lives trying to get acceptance from other people.
My wife and I were in a similar situation at one point, having difficulty with becoming pregnant, and when we stopped making it into such a drive and mechanical mission to have a baby, it just happened spontaneously as if by magic, even though the doctors said it would be almost impossible due to certain biological factors. It’s so easy too to look to techniques such as ART as a saviour for people having fertility problems before really looking at how they are living their lives and even the mental and emotional factors that absolutely have an effect on how our bodies function.
At one point my 7 year old daughter asked me “What if I don’t want to have a baby?” and to that it felt great to tell her “Well, then you don’t have to, do you? You’ll just have to feel whether that is right for you when you’re older.” I could feel a sense of relief from her, as if a pressure was released, since even young girls of that age start to get that pressure from adults and other children via all the baby dolls, messages from grandparents, etc. that you mentioned extensively in this great article, Anon.
How wonderful to give your daughter at such a young age the understanding that it is a choice to have a child or not when she grows older and just because she is female, it doesn’t mean she is expected to reproduce.
I have to say that most of my life I desperately wanted to have children, feeling that there was something missing in my life which could be filled by the love of a child. Since going to my first Universal Medicine retreat earlier this year, I have completely dropped that belief and can even see how it was a selfish one, wanting to have children out of neediness instead of a true willingness. Now I know what was missing from my life was love for myself, which since then I have connected back to and keep growing and growing. Now I have no neediness to have children, and if the situation occurs, I will keep on connecting to the love that I am so that the child could have the inspiration to do the same.
“I’ve discovered that healthy parenting isn’t about trying to control my children by pushing them to live according to what and how I think they should live (which unsurprisingly hasn’t worked), to stepping back and seeing myself as a role model with the capacity to reflect a steadiness and solidness” I love this quote. I am 36, soon to be 37, and I don’t have any children and I have no idea if I will in the future, although I know that my life will be amazing with or without. But if I do have children, this is the kind of advice I would take on. Parenting would be about reflecting to my children what self love is about, so that they could be inspired to be self loving as well. I would also educate them on what I knew about life, so that they could make their own decisions, instead of trying to make, or not allow, them to do certain things.
I think it’s really important what you’ve shared about parents not only ‘parenting’ their kids, but being role models for them as they grow up. It is a known fact that children pick up a lot of behaviours from their parents and people around them, so we all have a responsibility to live in a way that we would be happy for others to observe and be influenced by.
Well said Susie, as if this were the case we would not have half the problems we have in the world today.
Many people think that having a baby will sort out their lives or their relationships and become relentless in making this happen without realising that without love already in their lives or sorting out their lives first nothing will change, a baby will only add to what is not working.
Without love nothing will ever truly work.
Wise words kathrynfortuna! “Without love nothing will ever truly work.”
I agree kevmchardy and also it is putting quite a burden on a baby to expect it to sort out your troubles!
Well said kevmchardy – to resolve the problems in our lives we must understand and heal the root cause.
Great point kevmchardy. Many people have a baby to try and fix their relationships or distract themselves from their issues but from my experience of having kids, if anything, having a baby exposes any cracks or issues we may have in our relationships with ourselves or our partners. Parenting asks for an even greater responsibility and commitment to life.
There is so much in this blog I can relate to and it reminded me of feeling overwhelmed when I left the hospital with this little person I had to care for. I was used to temping work by choice, in accounts departments all over Oxford and here I was with a baby and had no experience with children what so ever, other than the odd babysitting job as a teenager. There are so many misconceptions and expectations around having a baby and no matter how many books we read, and buy into an ideal, the reality can be very different.
There is a large investment and pressure on women to ‘be fertile’ and have children, when their worth is far more than their ability or even desire to reproduce.
Our sense of self-worth for just being a glorious, sacred and precious woman has been squashed by the roles that are imposed on us by society and ourselves. Raising self-worth is a powerful medicine, one which Serge Benhayon prescribes in large doses, and one which when taken on board has changed the life of thousands of women and men alike.
I like the metaphor of what is in the watercan waters the garden – so it makes sense that any journey to increased well-being and even increased ability to support others is our own self worth
Lovely metaphor Joel … and we are approximately 80% water so it is really not a great thing for us to dilute our self-worth 🙂
Beautifully said Janette, when self-worth is quashed and beaten up by societies imposed beliefs, large doses of self worth are required, then the truth can be felt.
Absolutely Joel. True worth is innate, not built externally. Not only is it price-less – but lived true worth decimates ideals or beliefs to leave a clear space – to choose responsibility for what is needed in regards evolution, be that of a person (male or female) independently without kids, or alongside with them.
Well said Joel. There is so much pressure on women to have a baby these days and an underlying constant message that without a child you are somehow incomplete as a woman. But women bring far more than just children to this world. Their delicateness, sacredness and ability to nurture themselves and everyone.
One of the things that stood our from your blog Anon is the enormous amount of pressure and strain that women and families put themselves through to have a baby. And if I am to be brutally honest here a lot of what I observe with women is wanting a baby out of a neediness to fill a void. When there are complications in trying to have a baby, maybe these are the tell-tale signs that there is more to feel into and look at before making such a life changing decision. Our intentions are our foundations that we then must live with for the rest of our life.
I too have constantly observed this Marika – the choice to have a baby that comes from an emptiness of a woman not loving herself and therefore seeking that love outside of herself.
I have been aware of this as well Marika and Marcia. I have known women who see having a baby will be the solution to many issues, both within them and within their marriage. I have known marriages to be severely affected, because the drive to have a baby can make procreation very mechanical, empty of love and intimacy. This is not to negate a woman’s right to choose to take the ART route, but I wonder if women were educated and encourage to connect to their inner love first and nurture themselves deeply, how much this might support the ART process and produce a higher rate of success, or indeed make the process redundant because they might fall pregnant naturally.
There was a time when I wanted a baby go fill my emptiness, this is so common in women. Now my wanting to have children is not from an emptiness, but from love.
Whilst harsh, it is completely true Marika. i know I myself have felt a ‘need’ to have a baby. The intensity of the need has certainly decreased over the years, but it is still there. The need to ‘own’ a child, someone that will be forced to love you, fill you up, is what has been a main attraction for me…as much as I find that difficult to share, because ultimately I feel sick for even feeling that way. In truth I never want to impose that much need on another, that heavy burden and reliance on someone else making me ‘happy’. Yuk!
But, whilst many won’t admit it, I feel that many many women would be experiencing the same thing.
Your blog confirms the reality of what I have observed – that there are so many beliefs and ideals around motherhood and pregnancy. I will never forget the day I was speaking to a work colleague who asked me if I was going to have children. I had made the decision not to, as I considered motherhood a huge responsibility and was barely keeping up with dealing with my own life issues, let alone taking on the responsibility of another. Their response was that I was selfish to not have kids! The impact of that statement did not hit me until later where I realised that the pictures we can hold onto keep us blinded and judgemental.
You are right Marika, in our society there are lots of ideals imposed in women that are extremely judgmental, utterly disrespectful and downright rude. It is difficult (not impossible) to make decisions from the heart under this barrage of imposition.
I have so much to say about this blog, the statistics alone are shocking in many ways. What it makes me see is the Assisted reproduction technology is a business and I also had no idea about the actual percentage of live births. This is what got me to stop. How many women and then the people around her who are also affected go through all the pain and tension and planning and worry to then not have a child at the end of it. I can only imagine that it would be devastating as by then there would be a lot of investment and need to have the baby no matter what.
“Bringing this amazing gift of themselves to motherhood through a willingness to allow themselves to accept and acknowledge their true qualities is quite a big step for women to take.” Anon yes a huge step but one that has presented for you to have the opportunity to work in presenting another way when a woman is at her most fragile time and open to answers. What an opportunity to bring a deeper perspective to those true qualities within.
I remember this stage very well as you describe it “It wasn’t the sweet, glowing ever happy image that it had been portrayed to be, and some days and nights were extremely hard with a crying, unsettled baby, little support and me turning into a sleep deprived, cranky mother.”
I remember seeing a counsellor and asking him why did I see other women looking like all happy and great when I felt that that I was missing something. I was far from great and happy. He shared that a lot of the mums put on a front because they feel like they are meant to be a certain way and the truth is that they are not being honest. This was a relief to me, as suddenly I didn’t feel like the only one who was finding the whole adjusting to being a mum a bit of a struggle and I could see how so many of us pretend rather than just be real.
and on the subject of caring for a baby, that is massive no matter what age you are and there is such a big expectation on women to just know it all and have all the answers, which in many ways we do, deep within us we know what feels right or not but my experience was I got caught up in what others thought I should do, or what the baby book suggested. I left my inner knowing and went looking for answers outside of myself and it was scary as there were so many opinions, ideals and beliefs that I got lost in.
And Rosie it feel like you can apply this to much in life – there are so many opinions, ideals and beliefs and it is up to us to reconnect to our own inner knowing as we know what is right for us.
So true Rosie and Sarah, the moment we look outside of ourselves for answers, we are met with a barrage of opinions, facts and figures that can be so overwhelming that it is then even harder to reconnect to our natural inner-knowing. To learn to value and trust ourselves and our connection is absolutely key.
This is such a great blog, I totally know what that pressure feels like to have a baby and the pressure to have more than one because they really ‘should’ have a sibling. I was sucked up into this ideal and belief and it troubled me and put pressure on me and my relationships because all I was thinking of was finding a man so I could have a second child… until one day I realised that I actually didn’t need another child and one would be just fine.
I have experienced a similar feeling Rosie. It’s like there’s always more – it becomes not just about having a child, but having the next child. People start talking about the so-called problems of being an “only child” which adds to the picture that a “complete family” has two children. Great to smash that picture and appreciate all that we do have.
It seems we are forever trying to fix things; trying to do everything well when really there are many risks associated with this.
Take a woman who has decided to focus on her career, then have a baby later on with ART and when she does have it she is at the mercy of what the manuals say rather than listening to her own instincts.
Now to the outside world she can be considered a successful woman – who has made it in her job, who has managed to have a baby and is now following the books in terms of raising a child.
But is this OK? To be able to put out bodies through this – the stress of prioritising a career over how we treat ourselves, high risks of child birth and then all the while going along with that others have said we should be doing.
I love the fact that Universal Medicine encourages and supports people to connect to their own inner truth and honour their own unfolding process of healing, expansion and evolution. With parenting there has been a lot of focus on age and the pressure induced by the thought of body clocks, yet my feeling is that just like everything else our wisest guide is always deeply feeling into what is true for each of us. Every day we find that more and more of what we have tried to turn into a one size fits all is not true – such as eating, exercise, medicine, so why do we still allow ourselves be dictated about parenting by a society that has failed us in every other area?
Thank you Anon for starting a conversation that is so sorely needed.
Children crave stability and we can offer them this, and they also crave the freedom to explore in their own unique individual ways. I see that as one of the challenges for parents and all adults who work with children, but also a great gift, providing boundaries but leaving plenty of room for a child to express with natural inquisitiveness. If we look at children we see very observant beings, it is our responsibility that what they see is an observation of a responsible adult that provides them with stability and love, not pandering, talking down to or constantly admonishing. Act with the love we want to see in the child, it is a remarkably simple yet profound philosophy, easier to say than it is to do from my experience but well worth persevering with.
This is beautiful what you have shared Stephen, because it gives a tangible way with which to work with children equally and responsibly.
I love what you are saying here Stephen about holding children in a stable loving environment, and setting boundaries while allowing them the freedom to express and learn in their own time.
“Act with the love we want to see in the child” – could this be the answer to all the childhood behavioural problems we are currently experiencing? I would say yes Stephen. It is so simple, but you’re right, perhaps it is so challenging for us to accept this responsibility that we are not even willing to look at ourselves, but instead seek labels and medication to curb these behaviours.
The simple truth is that we can’t be told anything that we don’t already know, we need only give ourselves permission to remember it. And that permission comes by way of learning to live our love consistently in such a way that all we need is all we already are, with nothing standing in the way to obscure our knowing of this. Who needs books when all that is known is written in the great library of our hearts?
The great library of our hearts – gold Liane, just gold.
The great library of our hearts – image the resources at our fingertips if we let nothing stand in the way of sharing all equally.
Our ideals and beliefs are driving humanity to destruction and destruction – time to bring out our inner librarians and start living from our innermost impulses. All the evidence points to the devastating results of our controlling, power robbing ways. Just as it does to the beauty, love and grace with which we can live when living life from the truth in our hearts and bodies.
I love your comment about books Liane. We collectively are the greatest library of books that ever lived. A walking talking encyclopaedia of wisdom.
Yes Dean, the best set of encyclopedias ever created 🙂
Such a beautiful way of putting it. To know that all is known within my heart is empowering and amazing.
‘The great library of our hearts’ – I love it and we can all tap into this limitless source of wisdom if we chose to live from our hearts and not from our heads.
Wow Liane, the power of the simple truth you have shared here touched me to my core…”Who needs books when all that is known is written in the great library of our hearts?”…absolute gold!
It is interesting how generally as a society we address the part that is “wrong” rather than looking at the whole. When our body is unwell, we only address the body and quite often only the part that is causing the problem. We are a whole being of interconnected parts that cannot be separated, it makes so much sense to look at all the parts – physical and emotional/psychological – to find out what is really going on. Esoteric healing has by far offered the best support I have ever experienced by getting to the underlying problem whilst working with conventional medicine.
I agree Simone, we seem to expert at dissecting the whole, attempting to identify the ‘bit’ that isn’t working and then spend a great deal of effort attempting to get the ‘bit’ functioning again. The Esoteric modalities encourage us to always consider the whole of us, to support us to connect with the whole of us in all we do, say, express. If we have problems with our fertility, surely its a signal from the body to step back and regard the entire way we live as a woman, are we connecting to, living from and expressing our innate womanly qualities in all we do. I personally have experienced a huge shift in my menstrual cycle as a consequence of pondering on the whole of me, my self care and expression as a woman, as opposed to attempting to just get one part of me working properly again, which never brought any change at all.
Yes Simone but that would involve the R word and most people are not ready to look at the way they have lived, in the temporal sense they may have been very successful, and working out and have a great body, they have achieved so to look at that in truth and accept that it was not a loving way to live takes a great deal of surrendering and RESPONSIBILITY. It’s only a matter of time I feel that conventional and esoteric healing will be mainstream as it brings the balance and responsibility back into our lives.
Oooh, the dreaded R word – that is indeed a good point merrileepettinato. Unfortunately most of us think of responsibility as being a burden whereas Universal Medicine presents that, if we can get our self out of the way, responsibility can be a joyous response to what is needed.
This is a very important point Simone, in life we so often only address parts or issues rather than considering the whole of our body and our lives.
Yes very true Simone, we do need to look at all the parts because they all work together. Physical, emotional and psychological.
We are a whole being of interconnected parts and then we are a whole interconnected beings with each other so we need to look at the whole.
Funny too that we have always been part of one whole, interconnected as you say Sarah, and that it’s nothing new. We have always been subject to these laws of nature and it is so great in this blog and others that we are starting to speak from this factual and inescapable point of view.
Yes, we are interconnected beings – each an equal part of humanity. If humanity is not going well, we each have a responsibility to look at our part in that too. Just because we might be doing well, are we really doing well when others in the world are not?
Words of wisdom Simone. This is also my experience. We can fix a car all we like but if we don’t understand why it broke in the first place the repair will always be cosmetic at best.
Absolutely agree Dean, slapping on bandaids is only a temporary measure.
Great analogy Dean!
It makes sense to connect every choice and way we live with how the body is. We know that food and exercise can have very beneficial effects on the body, so it would be with stress and many other behaviours having ill effects. The fact that we still don’t link these things to the body clearly says to me that we are approaching the body as a disconnected part, and not reflective of the whole of our life.
This is lovely because what you have learnt you can share with others, it sounds from your job and what you see and hear; people could do with knowing a different way to live and be that supports them.
Yeah that’s so true Vicky. Anon has so much to offer those considering having a baby. Simply presenting someone with an opportunity to consider how they live their life and the possibility of that impacting on their own fertility, whilst common sense, is simply not taught to us today in any way shape or form.
Anon, you raise many important questions to consider when choosing to get pregnant, and they can’t so the women resorts to ART like: “what’s their sense of themselves as a woman? Do they feel vital or are they feeling constantly exhausted? What are their beliefs around motherhood and family? What is the quality of their sleep and diet”- all these factors could be a major contributory factor as to why they can’t get pregnant in the first place.
I agree Lorettarapp that it is astounding how these very basic questions are not a natural consideration. This shows a great disconnection of women in their relationship with themselves and their bodies.
Yes loretttrapp, these questions get to the underlying cause of why women have difficulty getting pregnant. I am in awe of the wisdom of the body that it would shut down the reproductive system when it is being prevented by the woman’s behaviour from providing a nourishing environment for a child to grow in. I have seen several cases where a woman who was pronounced infertile was able to conceive once she changed to more self-nurturing life-style.
The best bit of advice we are often given is to not listen to anyone else’s advice. In that we are given an opportunity to listen to the innate wisdom inside us all. The alternative is to look outside and try to comprehend the vast array of suggestions pushed our way and try and make a learned decision about something we think we know nothing about. The truth is however, if we listen to our bodies, we know it all.
Great point Jenny. Its the perfect distraction away from taking true responsibility for the choices we are to make, by assuming the role of ‘we do not know’, conveniently relying on any others advice/opinion/you name it its there, to seek comfort in yet all the while every answer to any question only awaits our asking.
This is so true Jenny. And by looking outside of ourselves for advice and solely using our mind to do so, we are ultimately giving our power away, because as you say, when we tune into how our bodies feels, all the answers are there.
Yes, if we are going to take any advice then let that advice come from our own bodies. Our bodies have lived through all of our choices and carry the effects either healthy or unhealthy of each and every one of them.
“The truth is however, if we listen to our bodies, we know it all.” Absolutely agree Jenny – the answer to every question we ever have is waiting within.
This blog covers so many aspects for any woman or man to consider from conception through to when a baby is born and our relationship with them that it deserves to be in a parenting magazine for all to see. Thank you for your attention to all the details.
I agree Julie this should be in a parenting magazine, in fact there is so much here to be expanded on it could be in several issues.
In fact, this could be a book, I am sure it would stand out on the bookshelf as being like no other book on the subject, an enlightening and down to earth book, full of wisdom, clarity and detail surrounding the vast subject of parenting. I sure wish I had a book like this to read when I had my children, it would have opened my eyes to how parenting could be.
Yes jsnelgrove36, and the beautiful thing is that the many aspects that are covered in this article are simply presented for consideration – with no “telling” one that “this is the way things should be done”. It’s truly refreshing to read an article that is written in this way.
I agree Hannah Flanagan. You can feel the authority of the writer because of her many years experience in this area and yet, as you say, she just tells it how it is without telling anyone what to do. Because of this the blog helps erase the pictures we have in our mind about motherhood.
Yes Sandra, or perhaps rather than helping to erase the pictures we hold, what is written simply allows us the space to feel these different ideals and pictures that we hold onto, to consider them without the judgement or pressure from someone telling us they are right or wrong. When we have this space to consider, we can then feel if these “pictures” feel true for us or not, and if they do not, we can let them go.
Yes I agree, that is the difference in this blog there is no telling other than listening to your own inner wisdom and from here there are no pictures, just what feels right.
Beautifully expressed jsnelgrove36, when you listen “to your own inner wisdom” and learn to trust your feelings, all the pictures and ideals no longer have a hold over you.
Stopping and feeling for your self if you want to have a baby or not is not the ‘norm’ in this world. There is an assumption that if you are a woman then you will naturally have babies and the question is normally when. When people do get shocked when you propose the fact that this may not be your chosen direction, it is great to have these types of articles debasing this way of thinking and therefore how important it is to not just follow the trends but instead to feel for yourself what and how you would like to live.
This is so true Anon, ‘The socially accepted norm that motherhood is a taken for granted goal, instinctive and fulfilling for females shows no regard for individual choice or circumstance.’ When I had my son and my friends around me were having children we had this idea that motherhood would be simple and fulfilling, the reality was that there were many sleepless nights and things did not always go smoothly, often I and the other women i knew beat ourselves up because we had this picture that everything should be fine, many of us couldn’t breastfeed and this caused a lot of distress because we had this picture that we should be able to breast feed and if we couldn’t we had failed, all of these ideals and beliefs are very destructive for women.
This is a good example rebeccawingrave, of how these pictures that we create set up a precedent which we compare ourselves to. When we can’t live up to them we feel less and then we allow in more undermining thoughts about not being good enough or not being able to cope and end up overwhelmed and exhausted. If we can let go of the pictures we are more likely to be able to read the reality of the situation and respond accordingly.
Talk about shifting the goal posts anon….. this blog has exposed so many areas we assume to be our right of passage, when we don’t get results we feel life and our bodies let us down. The word responsibility has people run a mile but it’s the consequences we then don’t want to see or deal with, which we are good at avoiding, not wanting to hear until we come to a crossroad and then go searching, unfortunately it’s often too late! Your factual and loving blog has bought much clarity and wisdom into the conversation, thank you for opening it up.
And when you consider that babies are radars for energy and can feel everything, they are also feeling that comparison and maybe even that they are somehow not enough because they are not keeping up with the rest. We have a great responsibility to let go of these ill ways of thinking about ourselves and life. We affect everyone with our self-crushing comparison.
Another interesting add on here is that in the area of Naturopathy, there is also a similar approach to supporting parents in getting pregnant, but just not with ART. What I have observed, with some of the strict protocols used (and not every Naturopath would use these) is that even with using natural medicines, this does not change stress and the strain associated with the want to have a baby. Yes it supports the body with supplying nutrition that may be needed, but I often wondered if it really supported the person (prospective parent) in a truly holistic sense.
This is definitely an article to come back to reread – there’s so much in here. What stood out for me today and a feeling I recognise well is the line “Every step of the ART way is medicalised and women commonly see their bodies as failing them.”. I haven’t tried ART, but over the past 2 years have been open to becoming pregnant – however my body has had other ideas. I went through a time of feeling I had failed but now really appreciate that my body has been showing me the way I have been living hasn’t been supportive of either myself or a child. Now I am working on my relationship with myself – that’s the most important thing.
I think you hit the nail on the head Lucy, for men too in saying that the most important thing is working on our relationship with ourselves.
I went through a process in my early 30’s to donate eggs to some dear friends who were considering having children through ART. What an eye opener that was. I was a short experience for me as, the drugs stimulated my ovaries so much, that it was really uncomfortable. I could not continue with the process. Yes it is very medicalised and I met up with many women who were saying that this was everything for them. I often wondered about couples who literally put their life on hold in the hope that they would have children, not to mention those who have had children through ART and then fell pregnant naturally afterwards once the pressure was off.
This blog is huge for so many reasons. Whether a parent or not there is much to relate to and bring a greater understanding to. Even if it is just to unpack our ideals and beliefs about parenting or not being a parent and the images that we have that constantly bombard and influence the way that we are. I do not have children, and what’s interesting for me is feeling someone’s discomfort or reaction when they ask if I have children or if they wish me a happy mothers day. I feel that these are opportunities for me to confirm my self-worth as a woman and that me as a woman comes before any external circumstance in how I see myself. I am no less because I am not having the experience of being a mother. We look for common ground in each other and being a parent is one common ground that is shared by many, but not all and that is all ok.
Most definitely a topic of important discussion, thank you for starting it. It suggests to me the pressures on women/women buy into to become a mother, and a ‘successful’ one at that, is the birthplace of our current rate of exhaustion and illness in our society today. Highlighting the blazingly obvious need for an honest look at the fact that ‘loving and appreciating our natural selves’ IS ‘the foundation for true child caring and rearing’.
There is so much here! I have no doubt I will join the conversation in the comments above but in the core of your blog there is a question for me of how can we consider the medical without considering the environment. This always brings me back to personal responsibility. I am with myself more than anyone else and my choices lay a foundation for the fertile ground that I wish to sow on (and I don’t just mean to have babies!). There is even the knowing, for me, that this goes beyond the one life I am living now. We have to consider it all as one, never in isolation.
There is so much in this article that I will have to come back and reread and comment upon. Today I really understand and appreciate your comment about parenting not being about control, but about being a solid and consistent role model. There is so much control in the way we parent, set up through our ideals and beliefs around family. To free ourselves from these shackles is truly liberating for all.
Thank you this a very informative blog that would benefit many parents to be written by someone with first hand experience from many angles. I had never realised the success rate of ART is so low and when I really think about it wonder how as women we do not consider more seriously that there would be a decline in the likelihood of pregnancy at an older age and it makes absolute sense to consider our lifestyle and the whole picture when our desire to become pregnant is not working.
It’s like the power of what you don’t see…. the ART programme sounds like it looks to perfect what can be weighed and measured, preparing the aspiring parents for a ‘fingers crossed’ pregnancy. But it fails to deliver on what cannot be seen, but what can be felt in a very real sense. I know of enough anecdotal evidence where the parents are trying but the stress levels are high… and then when they stop trying hey presto the magic is allowed.
How fantastic is this statement: “…I found that the best thing I ever did as a parent was when I ditched the books and looked at each of my children as being their own unique person and to then follow their leads as much as possible…” For me this is the only way to parent.
I agree Suzanne, it’s a beautiful statement. It brings in a real trust that we do know more than we think we do, in all situations. I would love to see a parenting book that was written for everyone, not just parents.
Indeed Jennifer, I can feel how this level of trust in parenting could mean that children could be really met for who they truly are.
So very true. To look at our children for who they are and not how we may wish them to be is the art of true parenting. If a book on parenting does not tell you this…close it.
I agree, Suzanne, this is the only way of parenting and is honoring both ourselves and our children.
I could talk about this blog all day, you have covered every angle on this subject. I’ll start by saying that for me parenting is an incredible learning experience simply by allowing my children to teach me. Everything gets reflected back and I’ve been able to observe myself and my reactions and parent myself while being a parent.
Thank you anon for bringing light to some of the many beliefs that can be around driving us to have children and then a new load as parents! Supporting people to connect instead with their innate wisdom and knowing is super important for all of us.
Such an informative, invaluable and supportive article. I would love to see this published in antenatal journals or myths that you raise discussed in antenatal classes. Such food for thought around pregnancy, birth process and life after a child.
“I loved that it seemed to bring me closer to my mother. It was like I had gained her approval by having a baby and we now had something in common to chat about.”- Anon, I definitely felt an openness and more closeness to my mother when I had a baby. She completely changed her focus from wanting to control me – how it was for me when I was growing up, to respecting me and giving me space- mind you I had studied midwifery so I believed I knew what mothering entailed. I feel that as I accepted myself more, I accepted my mother and let her in more.
What your blog exposes so well Anon, is that there is far more to us and our every day lives than just the physical…there is the quality we live, the energy we choose to be with whatever it is we do…and in this way “the more I gently reflect this as my way of living, the more people are open to what is being offered to them.” Beautiful.
The way I parent has altered considerably since I began to take more responsibility for myself. Self care has become something essential, this has developed into self love which means that I often reflect love in my relationships. My children have felt this and have done since they were small. Self care is such a vital tool to self worth and well being and the role we have as parents and role models.
Yes davidsonsamantha and leaves them without our pictures or who they should be and what they should do! Self Care is vital for children to see role modelled by those around them.
Such a lot in this article of value and support. I am a mother and have encountered many of these issues along the way. Something that stood out for me this time, is the age I had my first baby. It is interesting to consider. I was not in a suitably loving relationship earlier and did gave birth to my first child at 34. I was caught up in the fact that I had time to play around with life and not be serious until I had to, my relationships reflected that. I feel I have a purpose and earnestness now that takes life light but seriously. I am not one up to regret things that occur, because life is all there to learn, but if I had developed self worth and purpose earlier my relationships and choices would have reflected this also. I have learnt over my years of adulthood to listen to what my heart says and not what I am told, but I did not always have that clarity. It is so vital to expose and challenge these myths and beliefs in society.
“listen to what my heart says and not what I am told” these are precious words davidsonsamantha. Bringing another being into the world is a responsibility that is masked by the beliefs and pictures around ‘when, how and why’ to have a child. To listen to our heart would certainly make things a lot clearer and more simple.
This is a great point you raise davidsonsamantha, as a society we have made it normal that young people, teenagers and adolescents ‘enjoy their lives’ an equivalent for being irresponsible, partying, travelling and play around because life will be hard and tough later on but also the believe that they cannot carry responsibility like adults can. So it is we postpone the responsibility for how and what we live and then when we get older we ask life to adjust to what we want instead of feeling the responsibility we could have lived from young when being connected to our heart. Like you say it is vital to expose these myths and beliefs in society.
Annelies great point! We as a society we are pushing the boundaries to the extreme…. and women delaying motherhood as long as possible is just one example of wanting ‘ a life’, career and fun times before we give it up and settle down to the responsibility. We have little appreciation for the body and the inter connectedness between every particle, impacted by how we eat, sleep, work, play etc. We treat the body as a machine that can recover from any abuse without any side effects, until such time we decide we are ready to have a baby. This is when our body lets us know there is more to it than function, it’s when we start to look around for answers. There is very little ‘truth’ written or spoken anon, you cover so much in this blog. I suggest this could be presented as foundational in beginning the conversation in this world that is struggling for answers.
Annelies that was my experience, certainly in my 20’s and 30’s – study was also in the mix too and I recall having the belief that it was far too young to commit to a relationship or raising children in my 20’s. As I met people in their 20’s who had children, I would judge them from the perspective of my own belief…saying to myself ” well that is just way too young, what could they possibly know” Living now in a rural area having families young is still the ‘norm’ and I have a much greater understanding of my own images around this. Now I love hearing stories of my younger friends with their children and I even love staying with my friends and their families.
A great point you make Samantha about developing self worth and purpose earlier in life. I feel that is true about my life too, the lack of self worth and true purpose coloured my judgement and choices of everything I did and the lack of responsibility for making the choices I did just compounded the issue.
I have come to understand that living without purpose is actually a dis-ease in the body and it definitely gave me an excuse to engage in lack of self worth. The more that I connect to a sense of purpose the healthier I am becoming and the more fun I am having.
Golden points here both Alison and Elizabeth. Of course if we had more self-worth and purpose then we would parent our children differently and the vicious circle would be broken. Love what you say, Elizabeth, ‘living without purpose is a dis-ease in the body’. Purpose and health go together, that could make a catchy little song.
This is an amazing blog and your experience brings to light so much of what is really going on in the world with parenting and is invaluable for all to read and consider. It blows away the ideals beliefs and pressures we all put on ourselves and exposes the truth and livingness needed with true responsibility self care and love for ourselves much missing in todays society. Thank you
Thankyou for this huge blog which really captures so much about parenting. As a parent myself I can really relate to how life changing it is and how little truly useful information or example there is out there on this subject.
A very insightful blog with many points worth considering. This would be a great blog for young women and men to read before they make the decision to delay having a child until they are well into their thirties or even forties, or whether they even really want children, is it an ideal or belief, or is it because that is what is expected of them. I do have children, whom I love dearly, but truly we are not fulfilled by our children, we are fulfilled from within ourself. We cannot rely on our children to give us love or for us to give love too, if we are not willing to connect to the love that lies forever deeply within ourself.
Deidremedbury, what you have written here in this short paragraph is huge, especially about the ideals and beliefs of why we might want children – is it a picture held onto for years of what life should look like?
And I also agree we are not fulfilled by our children – no one ever spoke like this before I had my children. These are the types of conversations people should be having, instead of going along with what is expected of them.
That certainly is a great one-liner Deidre, ‘we are not fulfilled by our children, we are fulfilled from within ourself’ and tears down all sorts of ideals and beliefs around having a baby.
very true deidremedbury, I wish that this was widely spoken about before anyone considers having children, it is never the answer to a problem, it will never fix anything and will never bring us the love we so desperately crave. That kind of need just feels needy and is very often rejected when the child matures to a young adult and has a voice and a choice.
I agree with you Lucy, it would be great to have wide ranging discussions about the fact that having a child will not bring us the love we crave. More openness and dialogue about why we want to have children and when would be a good start, we need to start talking and not just operate on assumptions. Of course there would be a lot of reactions to this as some cherished societal beliefs would be exposed, as would our motivations. Very exposing.
When I had my daughter my mother had already passed away and the rest of my family was living overseas. Having no idea what to do (neither did my husband!) and wondering why it wasn’t innate for me, as it seemed to be for others, I initially read many books that often contradicted each other, trying to work out how to work out my baby.
During a session with Serge Benhayon, I was supported to reconnect to myself first and then my baby and from there trust us both to work it out together. Willing to give anything a try, I did just that and boy was I surprised. It was not that we had all the answers, but I was able to be present and know whether to trust what I felt or ask for support or guidance, rather than thinking I had no idea and only someone else could tell me.
I love the comment Penny – at first the conflicting opinions of the various different methods that are on offer, but what you have found is your own natural feelings about parenting… those are super strong and divinely designed!
That they are simonwilliams8! We are all able to connect to those natural feelings around parenting but we are not supported to know that we can. Imagine if all new parents, mothers and fathers alike, were shown how to do this, now that would be a parenting class I would attend!
So true Penelope, the doubt that creeps in just after having children and the vulnerability tends to make us run for the wisdom and guidance of a book shop! Many of the things I read made perfect sense on a practical level but each of my children was completely different so I had to get a sense by knowing and listening to each child, what it was they needed. Not to try to mould them into doing what any of the books, society or my picture told them they should be doing at any particular stage or moment!
Anon, you have written a very insightful blog which needs to be published for wider viewing, as what you are saying is so valuable for all men and women.
I would certainly parent my children differently now as I was very influenced by ideals and beliefs around parenting.
However I am now able to share with my adult children how and why I parented as I did, and this has been a huge learning for me and for them.
The detail and clarity of this blog bring to the world a great insight into how we can truly support mothers, and move forward in a way that offers a true reflection of Motherhood to our children and to the world.
You raise some very important points here Anon. Having known couples who have been unable to have children and are still trying to today, this article begins to unpack the layers upon layers of beliefs that are affecting women and men as they approach parenthood. Infertility is a very sensitive topic and is one that requires much care and understanding. I can’t help but feel that if the focus was brought to supporting couples to connect to themselves and their bodies that they would understand that the quality of their lives and how they live plays an enormous role in their ability to conceive.
Vicky I too know many couples who are working through this same phase of their lives. To provide support to couples in understanding how they live their lives and the impact on conceiving would be a great source of understanding.
I love your suggestion, Vicky and I have the same feeling,
“if the focus was brought to supporting couples to connect to themselves and their bodies that they would understand that the quality of their lives and how they live plays an enormous role in their ability to conceive.”
It is interesting what you write Anon about many women are having children later in life which feels like a reflection of our life styles almost wanting to have our life first before we settle down to have children. Having children is a huge responsibility and coming to Universal Medicine has helped me understand why I chose not to have children. Looking back I knew I was barely coping with my own life let alone bringing a child into this world. Knowing that love is the missing ingredient and that I had no love for myself, I didn’t know who I was, I lived so many ideals and beliefs that coloured my judgement on everything. This is why Universal Medicine is so important, to learn what love is and be able to reflect this to our children will change the world. Once we know love, abuse of any kind will no longer be tolerated or accepted.
Great article Anon, you have provided such an unbiased, real look into all aspects of having children. I too came from a Catholic family my mum having 8 children and my aunty had 11.They started young and just kept on going. I have known people to have such heart break putting their faith in ART not to mention the expense.
You have covered so much anon and many of these problems are unsurprising and very foreseeable. It would be so amazing if you would write that book. In the medicalisation of women’s bodies focus on the way they live is forgotten. This does not just happen with fertility but I can see how demoralising the journey down this path to have a baby would be and no wonder they doubt their natural ability to care for a baby at the end of it. It just shows how far away we have strayed from trusting our innate knowing, knowing and feeling what is going on in our own bodies and being the master of our own inner selves. Bringing women back to their stillness is key. I imagine how lovely it will be when we are taught from young how to keep this connection with our deep selves so that we never give our power away to anything outside of us and that even when we seek medical help, we do so as fully engaged people with a solid foundation of self.
Thank you anon, those are key questions that you share for prospective parents, really supportive. Being asked to take a deeper more real look at how we are living our life and how we are truly feeling is a great offering and an essential activity for our whole state of wellbeing.
Thank you Anon for bringing to light such important topics, what you share brings great insight into what can often be hidden aspects of fertility, pregnancy and parenthood. I feel what you have offered here begins a much needed conversation that considers the importance of our relationship to self. It is this relationship that forms the foundation of all our relationships and by examining the way we are living and considering the impacts upon our overall wellbeing and life we begin to see that there is more going on with fertility, pregnancy and parenting than we have been led to believe.
My experience of being a dad is that all your issues and poor habits are magnified ten fold (especially relationship ones) so it seems very important to look at how you are living as an individual without dependents, before becoming one with dependents. Going into parenthood in order to feel more complete about life is definitely a wrong direction to take.
Your honesty is refreshing Simon, we would have very different parenting if this was the norm.
Indeed Josephine this type of consideration offers the possibility of a different level of responsibility in parenting.
I agree Simon becoming a mother exposed my issues big time, and I although I feel I have learnt so much from the experience, it would have been much less stressful if I had started from a point of being more deeply connected to myself.
Anon this is such a much needed perspective and understanding that you share, the topics you cover within this one blog offer so much in the way of awareness of how men and women are dealing with fertility, pregnancy, birth and parenting. What I felt was key in what you shared was how important our connection to self is. As a parent of a young child I know I have struggled with this and it was not until I began to look at and develop my own connection to self that I began to let go of those ideals and beliefs I had of what it was to be a mother. I feel this is such an essential read for all men and women as it brings great awareness of the issues so many face when considering becoming parents and offers a new foundation whereby we build our connection, love and support of ourselves first and foremost before anything else.
Parenting and motherhood and all the ideals that come with it are so prevalent. There is indeed a very subtle push for all women to be a mother and choice is not considered in that. It may be that for some people to not have children is the thing for them and they’re no less because of that, and indeed the opposite also applies when we have children it works best for all, if it’s not to fill a gap in us, it’s so easy to make it all about the children and forget about the quality and care of us and that doesn’t work. What you offer here is an understanding that whether we choose to become parents or not, we all connect to us first and it’s about living from that and not taking on and becoming a role (parent or otherwise).
Absolutely Monica, if we are all living from our connection to ourselves then we would be parenting all the children in our lives, whether we had physically given birth to them or not, and not getting caught up in the identification of a role.
Wow, Anon, this is a truly great blog, you have covered so much here. I agree with all that you have shared, especially the fact that it is not the be all and end all of being a woman if we do not have a family. The expectations of family and society often tend to suggest for a woman to be a true woman, she has to become a mother. But maybe many of us are not ready to take on that huge responsibility. I remember how hard it was, how absolutely unrewarded I felt, how looking after a baby at home, while my husband went off to work, it was was extremely hard work and very lonely, I felt so inadequate (especially with the first one), had no one nearby, and at times became quite exhausted. I feel now that if I had my time again, it would be very different. Since I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I have learned much more about truly looking after myself, and trusting from my own connection with myself, how to lovingly look after a new baby. But without all that understanding and knowing, I was completely lost with my first one. Before Universal Medicine, I had no idea of who I truly was myself. It is better to learn how to nurture one’s self, and deal with one’s own issues, before one brings a new baby into the equation in a family.
‘I’ve discovered that healthy parenting isn’t about trying to control my children by pushing them to live according to what and how I think they should live (which unsurprisingly hasn’t worked), to stepping back and seeing myself as a role model with the capacity to reflect a steadiness and solidness (although definitely still a work in progress) in how I live my life with care and responsibility’ Anon there is a wealth of important information in this article but for today I’m enjoying the above reflection. As a young parent I would have loved to be told that all I had to do was be myself and support myself with loving care, not madly doing and self-sacrificing for others.
I love what you have written anonymous: “there’s nothing I’ve seen in the current popular media about us being, loving and appreciating our natural selves as the foundation for true child caring and rearing. It’s all more like a set of rules made according to what the author believes is the best way to care for a baby and it doesn’t encourage parents to use their own natural instincts with their children.”
I agree there is nothing about self-care and trusting your inner feelings and yet I have experienced that to be the most important of all. Without taking care of ourselves first you cannot properly take are of your infant. And we know so much in side about our children, how to raise them and what they need if we allow ourselves to connect to our innermorst.
There seems to be no end of information on how to care for children from all sorts of experts, some that have never been married, have their own children, and then the men giving advice to women and there body’s! The only expert on our body’s is US! As you have said Monika ‘we know so much in side about our children, how to raise them and what they need if we allow ourselves to connect to our innermost’.
What a blog! I was considering having a first child at around age 40, and I was shocked when a specialist suggested ART due to the low likelihood of a natural conception. It was a real stop moment where I had to look at where I’d been and how was it that an intelligent woman like me didn’t fully realise that fertility rates start to drop at 25 yrs…so by 40 the chances are quite low. I decided to not go ahead with it because it didn’t feel right for me, and it raised the question of how is it that I had left something I’d considered so precious such as becoming a mother to the last minute of my conception years?
There is so much to consider here apart from health (emotionally, physically and financially) as well, like, the foundation and rhythms we have for ourselves in our life that would support bringing up a baby. There have been loads of times in my life where I have wanted a baby but I can see now these were all for the wrong reasons and coming from a need.
It is interesting what you say Sandra, about leaving the possibility of conception to the ‘last minute’. Is it really spelt out anywhere in bold letters (apart from here) that fertility starts to drop off from 25 years onward? And that if you want a child you might have to start thinking about it early on? I guess it’s just one of those things that we push to the back of our minds while other (more important at the time) things take precedence and after all a lot of our younger years can be spent trying not to get pregnant! Of course the ART industry have done a good job of advertising to give people a false sense of security and the true facts are not really known until you come to engage with it. Discussions like this help open this area up, as there are a lot of false assumptions within it.
This ia a great discussion and has many aspects to it, and the one you bring in Sandra is one worth considering as to why do we postpone choosing to have children to a phase in our life where we are physically less equipped than then we are younger. I can remember too that I truly want to have children in my life when I was around 18, but then this could not be realised as I was not in a relationship and was still studying, which I needed to complete etc. etc. and later on I was so busy with getting my life on some tracks that the connection with becoming a father completely disappeared, and at times I tried to ignore this feeling completely as getting children would interrupt with my busy life I had created for myself. Finally I allowed the wish of having children to come back into my life and became father of our first child when I was 32 and 39 when our third and last child was born. And now at the age of 57 two of our children are still living in our house and all three still need some form of support in finding their place in the world. And in this I can feel that there is something not matching, although difficult to explain, that I could have supported my children in this phase of their lives much more naturally when I was younger than at the age I am now. So what I am learning from this that it is not only about the physicality of our bodies but also about the phases of our lives that support parenting children best is something we have to take into consideration the choosing to have the care for children in our lives.
It’s great to hear your experiences about this Nico. I had a similar feeling about it too. I had a friend who after years of trying to conceive and then letting it all go completely, became unexpectedly pregnant when she was in her early forties. She definitely found the experience quite a difficult one, not the least being she was peri-menopausal when it happened, and physically it took a long time to recover from the pregnancy. The other thing I observe is that younger parents have the vitality to match the children, as raising kids is an energetic business! Of course everyone is different, but I resonate when you say that you feel you could have supported your children more naturally when younger. But then of course you might have had less lived wisdom to impart.
Interesting point you bring with the lived wisdom Josephine, and in that I see two aspects. Firstly there is the lived wisdom we have from our current life, actually the experience we have gained of living in this current age of time, and secondly we have a lived wisdom that we have gained from all of our incarnations, that we can call on and is lived in all that we do. And considering the fact that the wisdom we have with us from all our past lives is that much grander in comparison to the wisdom we have gained in this life, how much emphasis should we give this aspect into our consideration for taking children into our lives at a later age?
You’ve hit the nail on the head Nico, if we are connected to our inner wisdom we will serve our children whatever our age.
Nico, it’s great to hear your experience – men don’t often talk about this. I feel that was part of my decision to not have a child in my forties when I looked at how old I would be when the child was in their teens and where I may be. I’ve always felt that parenting is better suited to younger people not to say that older parents can’t, that’s not what I’m saying. If a woman’s body is capable of conception from the age of around 12 or 13 and fertility peaks at around 25, then this says a lot to me. We have designed lives that work around what nature has setup for us. Personally, I had plenty of opportunity to have children in my twenties had I been serious about it, but I chose to pursue other things in my life at that time.
It is interesting to look at these patterns Sandra, as why do we make our personal lives more important when the choice of having a family with children comes to us?
Nico, I too really appreciate reading your honest reflections on parenthood. These are rarely talked about and what you have shared makes so much sense. What I have loved hearing is that the impulse for you was to have a child and yet the true timing was silenced by the busyness of life. This is something I can imagine is going on for many couples and the conversation on this topic can support potential parents to listen more closely to what is being felt about the timing of having children.
Thank you Vicky, and I agree that this conversation can support many potential parents in making their choices with more emphasis and respect to the signals of their body, compared to planned lives from the mind, in which the body is secondary.
Thank you Anon, there is so much in this article and many valuable observations of what getting pregnant and parenting can be like for some. I must admit I fell hook line and sinker for the belief that ART had a higher success rate and has been the answer to many prayers, but it is truly shocking to see the statistics.
So true Julie the statistics are shocking, when so many consider this their only option for having a child the amount of pressure and stress they are under must be immense. What Anon shares about the importance of self-care and considering all aspects of self when contemplating pregnancy and parenthood is something so often overlooked, but vitally important.
Wow Anon, thank you for this blog. The ART adverts you see often appear so successful, but then it makes sense that if you want to sell something that you would dress it up to appear successful, those figures were quite and eye-opener. Likewise was the sheer amount of stress and everything else that can occur when going through such a process. Having a child is not such an easy thing these days and standing here from a position of not having children it opens up my sight and understanding to whats happening with others who are parents or trying for children. Coming from a place of understanding the reasons for children before starting the process sounds like a very supportive platform for anyone considering such a big, life changing process. How cool is it to have someone in this field of work showing women and men a different way to pregnancy and parenting.
So agree Leigh what Anon is offering is an amazing support for all those they work with showing as you say a ‘different way to pregnancy and parenting.’ It’s beautiful to know that this support is out there and this way is possible for all.
Many times in life I have thought I was fully behind some outcome and could not work out why there was so much sabotage again and again. I used to get very frustrated and want to blame everyone and everything. Since then I have realised that I often have conflicting ideals, beliefs and reactions within me that may make me not really committed to something although at the time I think I am! I have also learned that we are each part of a far bigger unfolding that takes into account all of our choices and everything we need to learn, it takes into account what serves not just our individual self but also the whole of humanity in our return to Soul as one big brotherhood, it embraces us with love in a way that our brain is often not capable of comprehending. Of course I am still very aware of what my wishes and aspirations are, but I no longer assume just because I say I want something, it needs to or will happen in the way I have envisaged.
I agree, Golnaz, we are run by images that are not true even if there is no seeming conflict between any images.
What you describe Golnaz is challenging our drive and motivation to satisfy our individual needs. Perhaps it would be useful to understand further what are the beliefs and ideals that we carry that produce these needs and how true are they?
Isn’t it beautiful to have so much of support around pregnancy these days? It’s simply our responsibility to use it wisely.
It would appear that it is harder today for women than ever before, with all the conflicting desires, opportunities and societal attitudes, particularly with them now putting their faith in ART, something that wouldn’t have even existed a comparatively short time ago. It was in a way simpler when there weren’t all these options, if you couldn’t have children you adopted or fostered them, parented your nieces and nephews, or went without.
We are creating the complexity complete by ourselves as a society. As in the past there was not the solution of ART but there was the apparent opportunity to adopt or parent your nieces and nephews instead. But by these new possibility that are made possible by our western medicine, feeds us with the idea that we can make life and are in control of it while we are not, and with this are adding another complication to our already complex world that we have created for ourselves.
So true Nico, it’s the self gone mad really that thinks it can defy the natural order of the universe, the rhythm and cycles that our bodies are a part of. There is no deeper questioning as to if there is a difficulty in falling pregnant what might be the reason behind this. The body’s wisdom is not considered, only the wants of the self, because many feel they have the right to have a child as a part of self-expression.
Indeed Josephine, and that right actually comes from a need, a need that is there because we are not full of ourselves as we live disconnected from who we truly are, from the origins we come from. If we would connect to that quality of life first, there would not be any need, but only a natural response on what is being asked of us in this life, which could be to become a mother or not and to have another equally important purpose in this life.
Yes, it seems we try to avoid our unloving choices and the consequences of them through finding a solution. Even if the solution ‘works’ we have just complicated our lives if we never looked at and acknowledged the unloving choices that resulted in consequences we did not like. When we are honest about what was unloving then we can make loving choices instead.
Great point Nico, that the western world is being fed the possibility that we are in control. We are in control of our own choices yes, but it seems to be our choices that are creating the complex issues presenting in this blog.
A point truly well made Josephine. We absolutely need to question deeper why conception is not happening. Is it possible that our bodies are telling us that we are not able to nurture a child yet because we are not yet nurturing ourselves in one way or another? But rather than react to that and tell ourselves we are not good enough, simply pay heed to what our bodies are communicating and make the necessary changes to our choices.
Indeed Nico we can often forget that we can help raise children by adopting, fostering or our own nieces and nephews. It requires though the challenging our notion of what is family or community?
Great conversation here. It seems that with our obsession with controlling things and if we can’t control to keep looking for a way to one day be able to control, we are failing to see the simplicity of the fact that life is prompting us to ask questions. Why do we have that need in the first place? Are we living life in a way that does not support what we are striving for? Are we limiting ourself with the way we want things to unfold, is there a different way?
Great question Golnaz, why do we have that need to control life in all its aspects, while life to me is just a matter of living it to the best of my ability and to learn from what life is bringing to me. I have found that I cannot control life as there is always the not expected and anticipated that regular pops up, that if we live from control needs to be responded to in order to not feel out of control, while in fact we are because in this response we are not going with the flow, the direction that life asks us to go. To me the need to have control over life comes from the idea that we can create our life to a certain picture, a picture that we have created for ourselves for having a comfortable life, a life where we do not have to take the responsibility of living to our full potential of what we can bring for humanity. If we choose to live for humanity instead we choose a life we do not have control on as living in service to humanity requires one to surrender to a bigger plan, it requires one to dedicate ones life to God and to let go of the self, the little self that needs to have control over life instead.
Lifestyle has certainly become more complex over the past few decades and I wonder if all the new and technologically advanced options have moved us away from the original point of parenting, to foster children to grow up healthy and become responsible adults in our world.
I feel you might be on to something here Dean. In the era of ‘designer babies’ I get the feeling that a child can often be viewed as an accessory to the perfect lifestyle picture: career, partner, baby – now my life is a success and I have value. The notion of birthing a child that will grow into a contributing, loving and responsible adult and the loving work that all that entails, has been somehow been lost along the way.
Agree Josephine. In the long term, raising children to be accessories to a perfect lifestyle picture creates generational problems that form deep troughs in the fabric of society. I feel that this has already been happening and that we are seeing the results of this social illness right now.
Yes, the true purpose behind having a child has been long forgotten.
Having children for many is often chosen out of a neediness or because everyone else is doing it. It’s awful to think that babies may be a cute accessory – but the reality of mothering would surely make this short lived. Bringing a baby into this world is such a responsibility and a decision not to be taken flippantly.
Indeed the responsibility of taking another human being under our wing and ensure they grow up with all the support so that they can grow up to live wise, loving, joyful, responsible lives is something that needs to be approached in the same way a teacher approaches going into that vocation. This also brings with it the responsibility of how are we ourselves living? Because they learn most by observing, and without actually living all the qualities we would like our children to grow up to live, what example are we truly offering them?
We are all parents to each other at different times. It’s not something restricted to adults with children. We all hold guiding wisdom that will help support another to be themselves or come back to themselves in a time of being off kilter. And will all need that support from time to time.
I agree Josephine, it seems that we are un-able to sit back and ask our selves “why” when we can’t bear children. The very fact that ART has such a low success rate demonstrates to me that try as we might, with all our intelligence we cannot emulate the wisdom and ways of nature. Being encouraged to look at our choices, how we live as women, to question if we are connected to our stillness or completely identified with doing can and does have an amazing effect on our physiology.
YES, Rowena and this truth needs to be made widely known.
If a woman is finding it difficult to get pregnant, I believe this is not an accident nor something that should be seen as chance. It is a great opportunity to look deeper at what may be at play and being shown, and to look at the intentions of why one may want a baby.
It is great when someone with your experience paints as honest a picture as you have Anon, about pregnancy, having babies and rearing them. Seldom do we get the truth around parenting, there are a lot of lovely, fuzzy, romantic, warm and soft-focus ideals and notions of what it is to be a parent which are just not true. The reality of it all can be a rude awakening.
I agree Josephine. In my experience, truth is best served undiluted. Otherwise it is not truth but a watered down version of what we want to see, rather than what is actually there.
Very interesting to read your comments and observations about this area of life Anon. Nothing you say surprises me really, I didn’t have the exact figures but I can feel the difficulties that women face today and the weight of all the self and societal expectations we have to deal with. Our attitudes to motherhood and the necessity of having a baby to be fulfilled or complete as a woman have to radically change as do many, many other notions we have, in this very loaded area.
I so agree with you Josephine, our attitudes to motherhood and the idea that a woman is not whole and fulfilled until she has a baby is just one of the huge number of beliefs and ideals that we have been brought up with. Whether we are married, single, have a baby, or choose not to, has absolutely nothing to do with how we are as a human being. This belief can be so damaging to women and their entire lives in some cases. How sad it is that a woman may pass over feeling that she is not a whole person, if she has not had a child. To be a whole person, we need to be connected to our own innermost and live from that (to the best of our ability), and to take our learning from our body itself. It is time for us to be rid of all the illusionary ideals and beliefs that we are holding within us, all served up to us from the outer, our parents, friends, and society at large.
When I had my children it was much simpler than it appears today in that I did not feel overwhelmed with opinions and information constantly critiquing my every move. i really appreciated your sharing around choosing to reflect on how a person is living their life prior to having children and investing more in allowing space for a naturally loving way in caring for self. There are so many inspiring developments in understanding our body and connecting in relationships in a much deeper way. What you are offering to women looking to motherhood as their next step is truly beautiful, a real game changer and such a blessing Anon. Thank you for sharing honestly the truth around falling pregnant, pregnancy and mothering and what is really going on. Connection to our own bodies and practicing a loving way has amazing outcomes for us all. Thanks for sharing.
Love your comment, ch1956, I agree with all you have expressed here. Especially your line “connection to our own bodies and practicing a loving way has amazing outcomes for us all”. Especially for women considering having a family. What a beautiful way to prepare, and how much more loving a mother one is likely to be.
It feels like the increase in books, tv shows, magazine articles etc on how to be a mother is a direct result of the increase in the number of women losing connection with themselves and therefore looking outside of themselves for advice. ART is also outside of the body, some couples looking for the solution rather than a healing through looking at their whole lives and why they have found themselves infertile. This is not to say that ART doesn’t have a very valuable and loving part to play in reproduction because it most certainly does, my own family very blessed because of ART, but as this blog states, a more honest look at what infertility and mothering is all about is desperately needed.
Yes agreed, it is very wise to look at the way we live in preparation for having a child. But this way of living also affects everything else in life – children or not or no children!
So often its when all else has failed us that only then at that point are we willing to consider the possibility that what is/or isn’t going on in life is as a direct consequence to how we our living it, and in such a moment the invitation of responsibility awaits us on arrival.
And living a responsible life is not something that only parents need to embrace, it’s everyone’s right and job to live in such a way as we are all role models and parents for each other at different times in life.
I am 35 years old and as I read this I could instantly recall observing many of the examples you share here playing out for people I know. Women struggling with infertility are not just statistics and men are equally affected. The grief that comes up for people that are struggling with infertility is huge. It is incredible that many people struggling with this issue choose to ‘treat the physical’ without addressing the huge emotional upheaval they are experiencing.
I agree Leonne, it is awful that there is so little recognition of the huge emotional upheaval that occurs in looking at artificial help to have a baby. It needs to be more widely shared, so those wishing to go ahead are prepared for it.
Gosh this would be amazing if the physical difficulties in conceiving were looked at alongside the emotional difficulties. I’ve read a great article by Mariette Reineke on her experience of infertility and her strong desire to have a child and how this was running her life. In the article she also shared how she was able to be supported to look at the underlying cause in the choice that she was making. http://www.unimedliving.com/serge-benhayon/the-seer/readings-individuals/appreciating-the-true-woman-infertility.html
Fascinating stuff!
Absolutely Leonne there is far more to it than meets the eye, and looking at the whole picture is so very needed, as anon has shared we need to begin to look at and develop our relationship with self first. From here all else comes.
I wonder if the psychological is as important or at times even more important than the physical? Taking stock of the possible causes of the infertility may make all the difference that is needed?
Yes this is huge!! The physical and the emotional definitely need to be looked at, but we need to lovingly get under to the root of it all. Not many realise that infertility, like any illness or disease, may stem from how we live and the daily choices we make. Nor do many realise that the emotional stress we have about wanting a baby comes from our own needs. These absolutely need to be addressed or the incoming child gets laced with having to fulfil those needs, which are burdensome and heavy, and may cause relationship issues down the line for all concerned.
It is fascinating that so many people avoid looking at the real reasons for infertility. So many times I have heard couples express that they became pregnant once they stopped trying. This is so telling. In my own life I see the same thing play out. When I stop ‘needing’ something everything falls into place be it a job, a relationship or a situation I feel unable to resolve.
This is really fascinating! When we invest in something we naturally go into hardening, bracing ourselves for the outcome, which obviously doesn’t support the body. When we let go and allow a natural flow to occur then it’s not surprising that things work out better…
A great blog to help all prospective mothers to consider how they live their lives before contemplating looking after and being a role model for a child
But also a great blog for ALL women and men, whether prospective mothers or not, as the issues highlighted by the writer of this blog most women do carry. It also will bring great understanding to men in understanding the issues women close to them are likely to be battling with, that usually remain silent.
So often these issues do remain silent, silently eating away only to be communicated in covert snippets of frustration and resentment within relationships. This blog is a much needed breath of fresh air.
You are so right Shevon, this blog needs to be read by everyone.
These are great points Shevon, and the silent part can end up with feelings of resentment, anger, rage and therefore reactions for apparently no reason whatsoever. Much is not expressed in and amongst ourselves, which impacts our bodies enormously.
I agree Carmel, parenting is a huge responsibility
Although only 29 when I had my first child it was still deemed quite late in life, my focus had been my career as you point out Anon, and I had no idea about babies or any contact with them. So I certainly did “research widely to find the ‘best’ way to do things” – assuming I could apply the same diligence to child care as I had to my career. But without actually looking at the real questions to research like; what’s my sense of myself as a woman? Do I feel vital or am I constantly exhausted? What are my beliefs around motherhood and family? I was setting myself up for what was a super challenging and frankly, depressing experience of new motherhood. But this is the point, we are taught to make it about Motherhood – an isolated role, without learning to get to know the woman who’s to be that mother for the child FIRST. This is where the real homework/research was to have been! Thanks to Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health this is something that has been brought to light since then and is now accessible for all mothers to be. It’s huge support that revolutionises the relationship between every mother and newborn.
Great point Rosanna, “we are taught to make it about Motherhood – an isolated role, without learning to get to know the woman who’s to be that mother for the child FIRST”. If we would get to know the woman first motherhood wouldn’t be the solution for empty lives.
True Rachel, I was also looking at the expected picture that society paints and felt that I needed to start a family considering my age, I can also admit to feeling I had ‘done’ my career path and was looking for the next thing to fill my life… it sounded harsh when I read your words ’empty lives’ but that was exactly it: I needed something to replace work that would fill the gap that I could feel was there because of not connecting to myself as a full, nurturing and vital woman.
I never asked myself that question: what is the sense of myself as a woman when I started on my journey or better say drive to become a mother. I did not even feel as a woman. How come we don’t ask ourselves and each other these questions? Are they too exposing?
Throughout most of my 30’s I always wanted children. As I approached 40 and single I became stressed that my biological clock was ticking loudly. Rather than panic and go out hunting for a man which I knew wasn’t the solution, I decided to look at all the pictures that I had of what it meant to be a mother and my reasons for wanting to be a Mum. I was able to break down the pictures I was holding and through attending courses at Universal Medicine and having sessions with Universal Medicine Practitioners, I came to value me for me, for the beautiful woman that I am. The need for a child soon faded into the background and now I am perfectly OK either way, if it happens or if it doesn’t.
What a wonderful, expansive writing this is, thank you. It is one to be ‘studied’ with much to learn from it. I’m wondering if it is yet compulsory reading for all people contemplating ART and even for every prospective or newer parent!
This is a profoundly supportive and important blog and covers the many different aspects, beliefs and behaviours surrounding the quest for motherhood, before, during and after. Anon, thank you for powerfully describing the medicalised process of ART and highlighting the missing link in this perpetual quest: the woman or man potential or actual parents themselves: who they are, their relationship with self, their lifestyle and the impact this could have on fertility.
This blog says it how it is and it is extremely refreshing to read. Often we go around in a kind of fantasy world and do not let ourselves know what is really going on so it is great to have a dose of truth delivered to break the illusion. This is the type of article we need to be reading in medical journals and the kind of conversation we ought to be having together. It is time to break down the illusion there is around motherhood, pregnancy etc.
Hmmm, so much of medicine is about fixing problems, finding solutions, curing this and that, which is of course very needed. But in its fixation on the problem, medicine often ends up losing sight of the end game – which is ultimately and always about people.
Dear anon this is such a powerful blog, so divine, down to earth and lived experience sharing and should be read by all women and men on this planet. Thank You. I definetely will read it again.
I have been through ART years ago while I had absolutely no sense of who I was. I had no connection with my body, I did not feel like a woman and I had actually no idea what it meant to be a woman. Let alone how you live as one. I did not nurture myself, I had little love for myself and I felt an emptiness. I wanted to become pregnant, and that was my focus. Nobody ever asked me any of those questions that you write here in your blog Anon. Until Universal Medicine came into my life. Then everything changed. But why don’t we ask ourselves and other women these questions?
Thats an important question you raise here Mariette. We have become so result focused in our personal projects that we call life that we lost sight of our true purpose here on earth. It is quite incredible how reducing ourselves to getting somewhere or something is the absolute opposite of evolution and brings us only deeper into the mess, but we have chosen to not be aware of it. I just came back from a business networking meeting and it was all to get us competitive and successfully outcome oriented to achieve, to achieve, to achieve…… the question of quality was totally left out and that is what I feel with this ART too, it is all about the end product and not about the quality we live with or without the end product.
Yes, we lose sight of our true purpose and also of who we truly are and what have to bring. If the focus is always in the future and what we want to achieve, we never truly live in full with what there is now.
A great article Anon – thankyou. So many ideals and beliefs exist around parenting. How wonderful it would be if every person (men and women) had the opportunity to discuss ” What if there was more happening here than just a ‘biological glitch’? Why is this not offered right at the beginning when women start down the infertility treatment pathways? In fact it would be wonderful if all women were taught this from birth, not just when problems arise with fertility.”
It is clearly very important that mothers and children receive proper medical care but it is interesting that few people look further than the medical side of things when some women clearly have a much more harmonious time than others.
Thank you for this hugely supportive article about motherhood which would be so valuable for anyone embarking on possible parenting to read. What struck me throughout was the damage inflicted by comparison at every stage – whether a woman becomes a mother, how their child is doing in comparison with others, whether they return to the workplace etc. For me connecting to my body and what feels true for me has undoubtedly had a positive impact on my parenting albeit to an adult child. I would have not felt so alone in the early days when I was snowed under with countless opinions on top of my own ideals and beliefs about motherhood if I had had support in my struggle to connect to what felt true for me.
It seems like we always have a solution to every problem – ie don’t want kids yet, use ART, ways to get back into the workforce quickly after kids, nannies and daycare to raise kids; as if children have become another project. Yes there are so many ideals and beliefs around motherhood that aren’t necessarily true – but what an opportunity to bring it back to a very different way of raising kids.
I find it very true that women these days can get caught in a career, not be around children as they grow up and then feel overwhelmed when they have their own children.
There seems a gap in people simply connecting, be it a mother to be with a mother, or a career focused woman with a small child. To consider how we are living, how we are valuing ourselves as women is a much needed question. Women do not have to be owned by the identity of a worker, a mother, a success – but rather simply connect to the quality of who we are. Then anything we ‘do’ in this quality will be all it needs to be.
Very factual blog, sharing the points that more often then not get missed.
This is a powerful article that should be a topic in our education system. It is quite astonishing, that we live in a world where we need to get accredited and licensed to whatever job or task we want to do, but parenting is something that is assumed to be innate in every person and that there is not even a need to educate on. And this starts with the ideal that everybody should be in the perfect world a parent and all the advice and solutions come in when you already are a parent. Parenting is a job, a highly responsible job that needs full commitment to life and to yourself. Parenting is not an identity you build your life around holding your own creation higher than the rest of humanity. Parenting is the responsibility to bring up an equal Son of God to be an equally responsible and loving person that serves its higher purpose.
There are so many conversations about mothering, fathering. Not many are really true ones. The reason why they are not true ones is because they do not ask you to stop and look into your own life and check how you are doing as a being. It assumes this away. The challenges we have to face are different and these challenges have an effect on the adventure of having a baby (starting with the making of it). We should start taking this into account and start talking about it.
Thank you Anon, a very powerful article that exposes so many of our beliefs and ideals about who we are as women, motherhood, child bearing and how obsessive we can become when deciding to take the ART route. We, humanity has such a drive to fix our problems (and I am one of the world’s best at this) we rush around in the doing, taking action, making something happen, but we fail to take a step back to feel and enquire about how we are actually living, how we are regarding ourselves and the real impact this is having on us. I chose at a young age not to have children and consequently felt un-equal to child bearing women for many years. I saw myself less than because one of my decisions to not have children was strongly built upon my belief that I was not fit to be a mother. I also had extremely painful periods and never fell pregnant either, so even if I had wanted a baby, it was evidently not going to be plain sailing. Attending the Universal Medicine presentations, workshops and treatment sessions has empowered me to truly stop and feel how I was choosing to live. The outcome has been a complete reversal of my previously very poor self esteem, re-connecting me to the precious, awesome woman I am, enabling me to live in accordance with this. The outcome has radically changed the quality of my periods, enabled me to see that true womanhood and motherhood arises from a strong connection to our inner wisdom and innate nurturing, its a personal journey of re-connection and expression that no book, course or ideal can ever provide. Anon, you are without question an enormous gift to all the mothers you encounter in your work. There is nothing more powerful in this world than a living expression of our true resolutions. This is not about perfection or “do as I say”. This is about feeling another person’s quality, in their countenance, their vitality, health and acceptance, its something we feel innately we can trust. Nothing is more dependable than trusting our feelings, all we need is the real education that re-connects us with our ability to feel, discern and trust our own truth and when we do, we can maximise our health systems and all the wondrous things they offer us in an equal partnership of connection, nurture, responsibility and action.
‘There is nothing more powerful in this world than a living expression of our true resolutions.’ This is a powerful and inspiring expression Rowena and I can feel the connection you have with the experience that you share here. I love that what is shared by one, resonates with or inspires another to live our truth more fully! Thank you.
This is a powerful article and it supports greatly in understanding why so many women have at some level an issue or feel a level of hardship with this subject whether they have children or not.
“Every step of the ART way is medicalised and women commonly see their bodies as failing them. This is supported by the ART industry,” The word ‘industry’ struck me as when fertility, pregnancy and having children becomes an industry it prevents women and men from feeling the love and responsibility within their own bodies and their relationship with each other. If we allow having a child to be ticking a box of doing what we believe is expected of us this provides a poor foundation for a loving relationship with a child, parents and family.
If I was a woman that was pondering to have or not have children and read only the first half of your blog… I would never have a doubt what my decision would be. The picture you have described about motherhood is extremely detailed and accurate, as I have personally viewed from the other side of the fence and about the pressure to father a child. As a man we have the other side of the coin for perceptions where we have to have grand children for the grand parents, pass the family on, it is our responsibility to work hard and provide. I would never profess men have it worse, in fact we are a major contributing factor on your list why mothering is so hard. Having children has never come with instructions… your blog should be read by children in their first sex education class.
To know how to deal with our issues, as they will inevitably arise in full force through every stage of becoming a parent is an enormous advantage. We need to build a solid and loving foundation for ourselves in order to do this.
For a woman to be in deep connection with herself through her body, to cherish and deeply care for herself, remaining centered there and not swayed by the images and pictures all around her; to trust what she feels during the process of parenting rather than needing books to give the answers, these are the gifts of gold she can re-learn to give herself.
Women deserve to know how to deeply care for themselves and to create a strong foundation for themselves in becoming a mother; to know that how they live affects everything and to have someone willing to give them a solid and honest reflection. I have been blessed to have this through the support of the Esoteric Women’s health practitioners since my daughter was 3 and now this forms a big part of the work I do. This comes from having lived much of what this article presents, as the struggles women have, and worked through them to re-build a solid and loving foundation for myself and our family, which is ever deepening.
I have found that often women need to be faced with these challenges before they are willing to make change; during pregnancy they may not be open to much support. It often comes later when the intensity of the young baby becomes a child and the woman has had a chance to have her own experiences. Your role in social work / child health sounds very interesting and much needed work, Anon.
Women deserve to know how to deeply care for themselves and to create a strong foundation for themselves in becoming a mother; to know that how they affects everything and to have someone willing to give them a solid and honest reflection. I have been blessed to have this through the support of the Esoteric Women’s health practitioners since my daughter was 3 and now this forms a big part of the work I do. This comes from having lived much of what this article presents, as the struggles women have, and worked through them to re-build a solid and loving foundation for myself and our family, which is ever deepening.
I have found that often women need to be faced with these challenges before they are willing to make change; during pregnancy they may not be open to much support. It often comes later when the intensity of the young baby becomes a child and the woman has had a chance to have her own experiences. Your role in social work / child health sounds very interesting and much needed work, Anon.
Duplicate
Beautiful to read Anon, you have mentioned many ideals and beliefs around being a mother and the need to become one and that all of these do actually not support us as the level of exhaustion in parents is showing to us. Giving birth, being a mother and a father should be something very natural to do when we allow ourselves to set aside all the ideals and beliefs we have taken on in this and trust and rely on our inner knowing, our intuition in this instead. When we connect to this inner knowing, that we all equally carry with us, we do know if we want to have children in our life, and if we choose for children, how to be during pregnancy and in parenting and everything will become effortlessly and joy-full.
A great read thank you Anonymous. Your detailed and non judgemental critique has made me ponder on different areas of life that are ‘medicalised’ in how they are clinically analysed and cold conclusions or processes put in place to deal with the ‘problem’. A deeper consideration like you have undertaken here supports the truth that we are so much more than a physiological problem to be solved and this is what is missing – taking the conversation to the love we are, first. How would our so-called problems appear from this vantage point?
Great point Bernadette. And interestingly I know of several people who have conceived naturally after unsuccessful treatment … once they stopped trying so hard there was the space to fall pregnant. We are so much more than our physiology so it makes sense to view all things from this perspective.
We are certainly so much more than our physiology hartanne60. Even the the fact that we grow another person inside of us from two cells joining tells me that there is MUCH more at play! I too know several people who have conceived naturally once the pressure was off them. I think that is some of the advice given to infertile couples – ‘stop trying’.! Sage advice!
Reading this I got to feel how irresponsible it is to live by and make a decision based on ideals and beliefs.
Now that you write that, I feel it too, Fumiyo … it’s an apparently easy way out, to just ‘go along’ with the usual expectations and beliefs, to not feel for oneself and or to question the status quo. But ‘apparently easy’ has a huge catch … we can lose ourselves, our centre, the feeling of ‘me’ or ‘who I am’ … and forever either distract ourselves from that resulting empty feeling or are always searching outwards.
Women have not been taught how to be mothers and we are supposed to know how. I find that it is in the feeling and living each day that I discover what works and what doesn’t when I let go of my identification and recognition of this role, which is a work in progress. When we as women have lost touch in knowing who we are and without a connection with ourselves, everything we try would feel like hard work, but mothering and parenting do not have to be that way. I am learning every day in the aspect of parenting, because every day I am learning to be and connect with myself more, and in deep appreciation of having the reflection of my child (no matter what age he is), parenting is actually a relationship every step of the way. Being a woman is a re-discovery of what we are, being a mother or any role is to live this re-discovery.
Beautifully expressed Adele – parenting is actually a relationship every step of the way and it does not end when the child reaches adulthood; we may not have the ‘parent role’ anymore, but the relationship remains.
Great point Adele, we know how to be a parent when we let go of identification and recognition of the false ideals around the mothering roles we have assimilated with. We are intoxicated by false roles and stereotyped into behavior and then we feel we don’t know and try to “learn” how to do it, but there is no learning just re-connection and all is there.
I live in a country where the decreasing rate of childbirth is seen as one of the biggest national issue, and reading this article it’s so clear that it is something that is so intricately interlinked to everything that you cannot just tell young women to get married and have children. It feels like many of us are so invested in coming up with a solution and meeting the expected outcome as the society and as an individual, we don’t even allow ourselves space to take a proper stop moment to understand what is going on really. Looking at ourselves and the way we have been living makes absolute sense in bringing any true change.
Love what you raise here Fumiyo. Life has become so much about our “individual life project” and how we want to construct it and having a child is often just one of the building blogs of our identity, something we also want to do/have in life. This shows so clearly how we totally lost connection and true purpose. The reductionism that comes with individualism blinds us for the bigger picture and seeing the importance we have all individually, but not by expressing individualized, but by expressing as a whole. We are going into the absolute opposite direction and are surprised to get stuck in a dead end.
Wow, rachelandras, it’s so true and exposing that our individual life projects leading to a dead end. While we may choose not to embrace but the true purpose remains about evolution, and we better start seeing the dead end as a dead end and stop acting like headless chickens.
‘Anon’, clearly you are a great asset to your area of work – namely because you are willing to question. There are so many, incredibly strong beliefs and views, needs and wants, held around conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting… it’s enormous (& that’s an understatement!).
It’s often not until one personally comes to such decisions or contemplating them in our own lives that we actually connect with this ‘enormity’ of shoulds, shouldn’ts, viewpoints, and dogma even. I can well appreciate also, that we may not know all that we ourselves hold onto from societal attitudes and our own upbringing that can come into the picture here.
A wise woman said to me in recent times that “parenting is a process of constant renunciation”, i.e. we must be constantly aware of all of this, all that we are bombarded with, call out what is not true and let it go. And as you have powerfully shared here, support ourselves and others to connect with our own inner knowing and wisdom in these matters first and foremost – for no-one will ever ‘do it the same’. This connection to our inner knowing is vital, for without it the strong winds of the ‘shoulds’, opinion and the rest will surely blow us over.
That’s it Victoria, confidence in anything comes from a connection to the knowing we hold within ourselves. Every woman knows this, and women who are mothers know that they instinctively know what to do for their child, but can easily get swayed by outside influences from family, friends, community, etc. which takes them away from this if they haven’t developed that connection to themselves.
Reading your comment here Sandra, and others here also, it’s really brought home just how valuable our relationship with ourselves is – that we may have a solid foundation from which to meet anything in life, in this case a pregnancy and possibly birth of a child.
Our children most definitely deserve our love in full.
Yes, as does everyone we come in contact with, deserve our love in full.
‘Parenting is a process of constant renunciation’ – how wise! In my experience every child has different needs and so to base the parenting on anything other than what they present will cause confusion. Being rock solid in oneself is the best basis for knowing what is required in any situation.
Powerfully said hartanne60. What you’ve shared is the basis for any relationship isn’t it… Wasn’t the inscription over the temple at Delphi “know thyself”…?
Unless we return to a strong relationship with ourselves, we will surely be lost in the miasma of opinion and guidelines for how to parent, or indeed, go about any relationship.
And if living ‘from our heads’ and aligning to all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’, we cannot truly connect to our children and each other, can we. Our connection with ourselves, and our hearts, is the essential element in any true relationship.
Undoubtedly, we’ll still be learning, make ‘mistakes’… but it’s how we deal with this and our willingness to reflect and learn that counts. How awesome that your children now as adults will have a different relationship with you, with a load more love and connection by the sounds of it.
Wow what a beautiful offering and account of how choosing to have a baby, being a parent and looking at yourself first and taking responsibility for your health and well being and the truth this brings can be. This needs to be part of how we are brought up and taught as part of our very livingness and your article highlights this beautifully as you do. Thank you for sharing this, what a support from it all, as it brings the love back into our lived life for all ages to feel.
I’m all for pro choice – whatever that means to each individual. Everyone has a right to choose.
It is so true what you say about current popular media, that it shares nothing “about us being, loving and appreciating our natural selves as the foundation for true child caring and rearing.” Most of what I read during pregnancy and thereafter was very child-centric, encouraging parents to put their child first. I listened and ended up exhausted and depleted. I discovered that if I don’t look after myself as a woman first, I do not have the strength and foundation to support a child in the way that I would like to.
A sharing much needed. As a mother, I can relate to everything shared here. The outside preasures are countless and can drive us to do things as a parent that doesn’t feel inherently true for ourselves. This is the gem that this article is offering. Collect information if one must, but always take the information gained back to who we are as women and go with what resonates with ourselves personally. This may well be very different to our friends and family’s way of doing things, but if not followed it can cause us to resent those we love, simply because we didn’t go with what we felt was true for ourselves and our children.
I wonder the enormity of change that would arise should the basis of parenting and foundation of true child rearing be taught to consider being loving and appreciating of our nature selves of the utmost importance. You are living proof of how the power of living in a way that the solidness and steadiness you have developed through this can bring an amazing connection and a inner knowing to parenting that can not be found in a ‘how to’ book.
Would we contemplate parenting if we knew that its purpose was to raise beings to live the essence of who they truly are, and really understood the enormity of this and the responsibility of the undertaking?
I have a couple of friends who went through the ART process. They found it traumatic and painful. One has gained substantial weight that she cannot seem to shed and her menstrual cycle is a mess years later. Her psychological preparation was to be asked whether she was ready for this. Ready for what though? It was only halfway through that she understood precisely how hard it was going to be. She loves her children but I have known her to question why she placed herself under this duress and financial strain.
I was blessed to not want children and so the question never arose for me of whether or not to take this path. My compassion for women who do face the dilemma is clear.
It would help us as women immensely to let go of the image that we must have a child to be complete. How empowering would it be to not hold this over ourselves and crucially, over others? I have had women look askance at me for not being a mother, and claim that I have no capacity for compassion as a result of my childlessness. It is a great blessing that I know just how compassionate I am, and hence I am unswayed by their enthusiasm to judge by criteria that have no meaning.
So thank you Anon for this blog.
You raise an important point here Rachel. Compassion. There are so many beliefs and ideals around a mothers compassion and the unconditional love of the mother-child relationship. What I observe is very little compassion and a huge amount of emotional dependency and need for being loved/needed. There is a massive emptiness around wanting to have a child and unfortunately there are very few parents who bring children into this world from a responsibility and knowing that they truly offer the child a way to develop into a loving and equally responsible adult.
I am a mother, but not a biological mother and I am blessed with the opportunity to learn what motherhood truly is. A deep nurturing expression towards myself and through this towards others. A love that is unconditionally to everybody and not reserved for “your own products”. Perhaps we have to start being more honest and truly ask ourselves if we are ready for parenthood and with this to bring up children offering constantly evolution to them.
I agree, Rachel, “It would help us as women immensely to let go of the image that we must have a child to be complete. How empowering would it be to not hold this over ourselves and crucially, over others? These ideals and beliefs are limiting, not supporting, not loving and not true.
We simply do not see and feel what is there to be seen and felt when we look at life through the filter of these ideals and beliefs.
We in fact miss our grandeur and the beauty of who we are, with child or without.
Thank you Anon for a comprehensive look at motherhood, I can certainly relate to much of what you say and it opens up a conversation on something quite larger, being how we all play out roles. Are we the roles we play or are we something more than that? When I began to see myself as me and not a mother, daughter, sister or grandmother, these roles became redundant and a richer life was exposed.
This is a really thoroughly well written piece, exploring many of the difficulties women have with being a mother and also it is written with such care and respect. I found it really captivating to read. Thank YOU for sharing your experience and observations, as so many women will be able to relate and it will also bring a lot of understanding to men.
Awesome blog, hearing what you are observing with the woman you work with is so good. Many things I was not aware of. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Anon for raising such the important issue of some of the motivations and challenges around becoming and being a parent. It is not often that we stop consider what is driving us in many of life’s important decisions. Becoming a parent is just one of them and highlights how we are so strongly influenced by the norms, beliefs and conditioning of our family, community and society. It begs the enquiry where did we separate from that inner knowing of what is right for ourselves within our connection to our own community. Thus becoming a parent is not about fulfilling a role as such to satisfy a personal need nor complying with society’s expectations.
Great points you make here Jenny; our ideals and beliefs are like default switches that are left on permanently to the point that what is present to be truly felt is separated off into an exclusion zone that we choose to ignore, refusing to access our inner knowing’. Any role can become dry and infertile with associated disappointment if we have not owned and taken full responsibility for how we feel and not what is expected from outside of ourselves.
Well said Jenny. What is exposed by the multitudinous ideals and expectations around conception, pregnancy and indeed parenting, is that we have lost a fundamental and essential relationship with ourselves.
In this, it is so easy for parenting to simply become another goal we chase for – to meet our own needs in life, and the dominant expectations of our societies, rather than truly being in touch with the innermost aspect of who we are, from where we will know if this is a true choice for us, or not.
I’m not saying that such a clarity is easy to come to either. I’ve experienced in my own life just how strong the expectations can be, particularly as a woman, around having children. Namely first and foremost, the strongly held and imposed belief that we are somehow ‘incomplete’ in our lives if we do not bear a child.
That’s what I love about ‘Anon’s’ blog here – we serve not only ourselves, but all others (and our potential children) if we are willing to go deeper, and connect more deeply with ourselves… if we are willing to expose notions we have held and get truly in touch with what is right for us.
You bring a fresh, clear and true perspective on age-old, outmoded values and beliefs about motherhood – and you’re in an exceptionally strong position professionally to influence others not only through your wisdom but your own lived experience.
Yes Cathy Hacket I agree, anon is at the forefront of these revelations if you like, shifting so many ideals and beliefs. that don’t serve humanity, what a glorious opportunity, so needed to have that reflection and livingness to bring awareness.
Giving birth and being a mother clearly comes with challenges but what you share here Anonymous has me feeling that the exhausting and tiring part is more to do with all the pictures we carry of what we think ‘motherhood is’. This image is such a narrow slice, compared to a world where every single person cherishes their ability to care, nurture and mother, and every child was seen as a beautiful son of God, part of our grand family.
Thank you Anon for this thoroughly researched article. I found it very interesting to read and could relate to much of what you have written about motherhood and parenting. I loved how you described healthy parenting, I too have found the courses, workshops and modalities of Universal Medicine have supported me to take responsibility for my life and become a healthy parent..
Anon, what an all-encompassing blog you wrote. It took me a bit of breath realizing how many ideals and beliefs were and still are impacting my relationship to motherhood. I do need to read it again.
This is really beautiful to read, there are so many beliefs that are taken on with having children, while what is truly needed for us is all inside us already. Being truly honest about what we have to bring is releasing so much of the ideals that have been put on us.
What an amazing read, it captures so many of the issues that I faced personally and I started motherhood at 26. I have also seen many of my friends desperately trying to conceive in their early forties, or deal with debilitating exhaustion as an older parent. There is so much more going on here, thank you for starting such a supportive conversation.
I agree Nicole, this article covers a lot of important ground. A subject I am also very familiar with from my own experience with parenting and also my bodywork with women during and after pregnancy. There is such a lot of intensity presented with having a child that we need a much deeper and more solid preparation for. This is very important work, to support women through all of these stages.
After having my first child, having never been any where near a birthing experience, I remember stating quite passionately that everyone should be able to attend a birth before she had one of her own. My nursing friends at the time shouted me down because in their eyes it was not practical, I just remember feeling so unprepared for any of it. We seem to have become so disconnected from something that is so sacred to women.
This is a great point Nicole. I feel inspired to support women to be open to a building a foundation to prepare themselves for motherhood. I know I had plenty of time observing my friends having babies before me and asking them questions, but I was so stuck in my ideals and disconnected from my absoluteness that when it came to it I was really very unprepared.
Yes those ideas and beliefs can get in way, i realised over the weekend I had a very determined picture of how my family would look from a very young age, let alone all the other things.
Thank you so much for this blog. I can relate to everything you share. There is a missing link and I have missed that link as well when I tried with so much drive and result to become pregnant. Until Universal Medicine and I was shown another way. I don’t have children but I have me, a connection with myself, and this is the biggest gift of all. And this is what I was missing for most of my life.
And that is the greatest gift you can give to any and all the kids in this world Mariette – the gorgeous you.
“I don’t have children, I have me” – you could also say “I have ten children, I have me”. It’s so fundamental to look after yourself first, no matter one’s situation.
I remember the comparison and jealousy of mothers with babies. I didn’t really enjoy my mothers groups that you could attend after giving birth. Yes, we all had babies and that was the entire focus, and yet we were all so much more than mothers who had just given birth.
It was relatively recent for me Sally and the comparison was just the way it was. Mother’s groups were all about that, even the ones where I felt good connections, it was just more subtle. But then I brought that with me too. Time with other mother’s was often spent trying to work out problems, based on sharing experiences; they became a substitute for dealing with my own issues, but then I didn’t know how to do that! I have eternal gratitude for re-learning how to seek real support and gain true insight into my behaviours and what I was creating in my life as a mother so that I could instigate true change. This takes the need out of connections with other mothers and then the comparison drops away.
What you’ve shared here about how women can relate Emma would make a great blog in itself. I experienced similar learning (not from a parenting group, but in relationships with women and women’s groups) of realising that a ‘collective’ of women seeking to fix each other’s problems is a toxic thing indeed.
For in such behaviour women are in no way truly empowered. If I sympathise with another and think that I have her ‘answer’, rather than (if appropriate) offering the true support of reflecting to her that she does know her own truth… then I have disempowered her entirely.
We’ve operated this way for so long… It was not until experiencing women’s groups associated with Esoteric Women’s Health that I saw and learnt how this could be another way – one of true empowerment and not diminishment.
I didn’t ever attend any mothering groups myself but looking back possibly avoided them because I either felt I wouldn’t belong or didn’t measure up to other mothers or other mothers didn’t match up to me! You’re so right Sally, whether or not we are mothers, we are always women first and I know in my own experience, it’s taken a long long time to realise this.
This article is very informative and yet at the same time encourages you to be deeply reflective. I loved it, thank you.