by Fiona McGovern, Isle of Arran, Scotland
Where I live cancer seems rife; every day we hear of another neighbour, acquaintance or friend with a diagnosis of cancer. Personally I have metastatic breast cancer; I was diagnosed six years ago at the age of 47. Finding the lump now 9 years ago was a huge shock and yet underneath the shock I heard a very still voice say: “This is your time to heal, Fiona.” I began an outward search for an answer, and as I have already written elsewhere on this blog (Breast Cancer: “Knowing what I know now, I would definitely do things differently”), this took me way off path.
When I began to work with Serge Benhayon seven years ago, I began my return to true healing, to the expression of the real Fiona – a beautiful playful wise woman, whom I had lost in all my outward searching.
How did I reconnect with her? I married conventional medicine, in the form of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, with esoteric medicine. Practically, the first step was to open myself to what the doctors could do for me. The second was to throw out all my ideals and beliefs about healing – and there were many!! Once I did this I found accepting chemotherapy straightforward. I stopped worrying about the side-effects and instead had fun with the wigs. I am now on my third, a blonde one, and am researching whether blondes really do have more fun!!!
I found myself opening up to the nurses and other patients, making lovely friends as I did. I see each weekly visit to the hospital as an opportunity to sparkle and I smile at the results – there is definitely more laughter in the waiting room and the ward.
I changed the way I was with food and began to feel what my body wanted, when it wanted it and how much it needed. I began to have fun creating new recipes with foods that truly supported my body. The nurses are always curious as to my packed lunches and they comment on how much care I take.
The last scan taken in February showed that I was responding positively to the treatment. The primary tumour in the breast has reduced in size by 15% as have the lesions in the lungs and liver.
I have had 32 weekly infusions of paclitaxel (taxol). The usual is 18, but they have said I may be on it indefinitely, because of the way I look after myself. They have little experience of this as most people can only tolerate it for the standard 18 doses, due to the side-effects of reduced white blood count or neuropathy in the feet. So far my white blood count has stayed stable and I do have neuropathy, but it is mild.
At first I was told they could only hope to hold the tumours’ growth, but clearly the medicine is doing more than holding it. “For how long?” is a question I don’t feel they can answer. They say it’s up to me – how many to have and when to have a rest.
Someone asked me the other day do I ever feel like giving up and I said ‘no’. I realised that because I have this deepening connection to me and so enjoy reconnecting and expressing deeper levels of me, there is no way I could feel like giving up.
I did however say sometimes I get fed up and that made me ponder: “Why?” I realised I had got stuck on something. I needed to lift myself up by seeing a new side effect -neuropathy in the feet- differently. I asked what I was learning here and I became aware that with the feet feeling slightly numb, I was being asked to walk with even more awareness of each step I took and how I placed my feet on the earth. I began lovely exercises with my toes to increase my awareness and appreciation for all they do for me.
I also felt to start a weekly diary of what I was celebrating with each treatment. I choose a tiny notebook I could easily carry with me and in it I record all that I am learning. Keeping this makes each treatment fresh and fun.
I began to ask why was I apologising to others for my walking slowly and why was it getting me down. I realised that I had always gone through life at such a pace not stopping to truly feel where my body was at and what pace suited it – constantly pushing down the fact that my mind was so distracted and busy I could not truly connect to the beauty of nature around me as I cycled or walked. There was always another certificate and more knowledge to be gained. Then I realised that pace was something I took on as a child when I was unable to keep up with others in the gym, which seemed to be the way to be popular. I never understood sport or competition but instead of honouring that, I found another way to prove I was ok. I could pass exams with a good memory and I knew how to work hard so I pushed down what I felt and what my body felt to find a way to fit in….oops.
Now as I walk I feel a growing and deeper appreciation of my body. I am also now learning that it is ok to go at my own pace and definitely ok to honour my body in all I do.
When people want to speak about the illness, I keep bringing the conversation back to me as a person with a full life, so I am not identified by the illness. I also stop any sympathy, as I find that so draining. I have been known to hold my hand up and say: “No, stop, I don’t do sympathy.” I correct people when they say: “You poor soul”, as that’s simply not true. The soul is not poor; it is wealth beyond anything the world can bring and the more tender I am with myself, the more wealth I rediscover. Cancer for me was the stop I needed to bring me back to self-love and love. It has reconnected me to God and that is a true blessing.
Two years ago I asked myself: “What is it you would really love to do?” and the answer came immediately. I wanted to express myself through art and writing, so with the support of an esoteric art educator I began a daily ritual of drawing and painting and of writing a journal of my healing, with quotes that inspired me from Serge’s talks and books, and also from my own inner heart. This has given me a treasure of inspiring images and words that nourish me and others I share them with.
I recently had a visit from the hospice nurse and he said “You are the model for how it could be for people with cancer ….you have it within you ….just no-one wants to take it on board.”
People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.
Through marrying the two medicines, I have found a medicine that is tailor-made for me. I can be my playful self and the beautiful woman I was born to be and I can come out of hiding and express myself. I am blessed with the support of the doctors and of Universal Medicine, and with the marriage of the two in me.
Medicine and Serge Benhayon 
Fiona, I homed in on ‘I found myself opening up to the nurses and others patients’. When I read this, I know that when I open myself to others, people see me for who I am, they can see when I am vulnerable, they can see me when I am sad, and the list of who I am, could go on.
I’ve observed keeping yourself closed to others is keeping yourself closed from others and hence keeping yourself closed from yourself. An important step to discovering more about you, is being open to all.
Absolutely Doug. Esoteric Medicine gives us the support and tools to look at what is truly going on energetically and to lovingly start to address it. This is key along with conventional medicine to truly get to and heal the root cause and even if something like cancer does not heal or clear we still have the opportunity to heal and clear this energetically in our body which of course then supports the next life when we reincarnate.
‘I am now on my third, a blonde one, and am researching whether blondes really do have more fun!!!’ You are such an inspiration in how we can choose to be in each moment.
Fiona led the way in how to be playful and joyful whilst undergoing what to most would be debilitating cancer treatment clearly showing that there is another way to approach illness and disease and how we can support ourselves whatever we are going through and be an inspiration to others.
I agree Vicky, we can be playful with any illness, it is a stop moment. It can be perceived as a joyful clearing moment, or you can choose to be miserable and wallow in your own misery of being irresponsible for your wellbeing. Neither is incorrect or correct, it is bringing the understanding we are all perceiving things differently.
Dear Fiona, there is such joy in your sharing, it was a joy 🙂 to read. Thank you, Sarah
So true, the battle we put ourselves through – the fight to go against the what is and the truth of who we are, we armour ourselves with ideals and beliefs, resisting the simplicity of our Soul and its way, and we don’t recognize it as such until we find our way back in the sweetest surrender.
We cannot see cancer as a fight, cancer is an opportunity for us to see patterns that we have held on to for many many years, they are deeply ingrained and as a result we have it reflected back to us through illness and disease in a way it is the body’s way of discarding all that is not who we are, when we see it like that we realise how amazing our anatomy is and that the body heals itself through illness and disease when the body can no longer carry our un-dealt with issues.
Fighting cancer does not allow us to see the opportunity that we are being presented with to heal the ill patterns that we have chosen for so long. Instead of fighting we can choose to surrender to this process in a deeply self loving way.
It is incredibly inspiring to read Fiona’s blog, that the care and love that we can give ourselves supports us through the toughest of times and that when we value ourselves we have an ability to take our treatment in our stride, knowing that to love ourselves is the greatest Medicine of all.
“People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.” I love this paragraph, we spend all our lives fighting and it gets us nowhere. It’s only when we stop the fight – in whatever circumstance – that life begins to return to how joyful it really can be.
‘People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.’
Fighting a disease has become ‘normal’ in our society today and the healing that is offered is often experienced as a curse. The beauty of combining the benefits of Western or Conventional Medicine with Esoteric Medicine is that the combination offers true healing.
Beautiful examples of things that happen to many people with an illness. ‘When people want to speak about the illness, I keep bringing the conversation back to me as a person with a full life, so I am not identified by the illness. I also stop any sympathy, as I find that so draining.’ And I absolutely agree, sympathy doesn’t serve anyone, in fact it brings us all down.
There is great joy in expressing truth and I love how you express when people say ‘you poor soul’ and brought it back to the truth by expressing what you did. We have to be always careful with words as they have a true meaning and using them for anything else can seem innocent but it is not as shown in your example as it robs us from truth but also normalises this.
“Cancer for me was the stop I needed to bring me back to self love and love.” What wisdom is shared here. If only we all realised that our essence is love and that illness was a correction to take us back to our loving essence, there would never be a fight against any health condition, rather an understanding of the opportunity to return to more of ourselves and deepen into the love we are, and live that in daily life.
“People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.” This is so important for us all to recognise, that there is no need to fight cancer or any illness or disease, it is the body’s way of releasing and discarding the emotional overload and poisons we have dumped in the body by living ideals and beliefs that in no way serve us. With this understanding it becomes so much easier to embrace the illness rather than seeing ourselves as a victim or one of the unlucky ones.
“The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.” When we fight we set up a resistance which causes an outplay in our body and our mind. Align to what our body tells us, reconnect – then there is truth.
“Now as I walk I feel a growing and deeper appreciation of my body. I am also now learning that it is ok to go at my own pace and definitely ok to honour my body in all I do.” We are all unique and need to honour our body – wherever it is at, whatever we do.
What an inspirational piece of writing this is. Fiona’s experience is surely something that could be used as a model for anyone who receives a diagnosis of Cancer and for any medic who works in this field. Such a refreshing, honest and open approach could turn the ongoing care and treatment of this all too common disease around from one that is filled with dread, to one of acceptance and true healing.
“People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.” I was moved to tears reading this line today, as I realised this is the same for so many of us in the way we currently live our lives – on a battleground – when it does not need to be.
Yes, so much struggle in the everyday – as we ‘battle’ our way through the day and the old adage of ‘mind over matter’ feels a complete nonsense. Reconnecting to how we feel – not what we think – is a great way forward away from struggle.
I love the way you share your experience, Fiona. It’s very inspiring, not only for someone with a major illness, but also for someone who is not suffering any of it. The stop you did when cancer appeared in your life is the same stop I can do right now and revise the quality of my living. There’s no need to wait for an illness to make that stop, but even if that would be the case, your approach is really inviting to honour ourselves in everything we do.
So true Amparo, we can make a commitment to ourselves and to love without an illness prompting change.
What can the doctors do for me and what can I do for myself – what a great marriage! You always inspired me Fiona.
This was very beautiful to read and a standout message for me today is that there is so much in life that we can learn from if we are open to it.
Reading your blog I realised most people who are fit and healthy don’t enjoy and embrace life as much as you do with cancer – isn’t that crazy? This in itself has to be a sign that something not quite right with the way we are choosing to live.
Meg your comment points to the fact it’s the true health of our being that brings joy to life. What’s the point of a healthy body if we feel miserable or empty inside? Yes it’s great to have a healthy body but what about a well being? 🙂
I agree Melinda – our health is down to our whole well-being, as medicine starts to suggest with depression etc being a state of ill-health, our health is also about feeling bright and vital and having a spring in our step and our ability to really embrace life and everything it has to offer.
Yes, a remarkable observation, Meg. So many people who have ‘everything’ are often not enjoying their life and themselves. So there is a lot to gain if we change the way we live.
What a gorgeous sharing of what life can be a deepening understanding of and connection with ourselves and our bodies and those around us. A way to celebrate who we are … life can be this way no matter where we are, even in illness and if it can be that with illness it can be that without too … deeply inspiring.
A beautiful testament to a different way of being and living with illness, that is the opposite of the victim of fate that we so often believe is the only option, the only way to be with it. I love all the practical steps you took to really look after yourself through the illness and to learn who you really are, beyond the illness. Our bodies are our connection to who we are, to the Universe and to God – and so when we invest in them by taking deep care, it’s an act of self-love that connects us to a knowing that we are part of something that is much bigger than ourselves.
“People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth” – this is so profound. I can feel how we often fail to recognize an opportunity for healing and stubbornly fight what’s on offer only to revert back to the ill way of being that has culminated in a state we did not want to find ourselves in.
Yes this fight is another reason to bring tension into the body and that is exactly what the body doesn’t need anymore.
“People say cancer is a fight.” When we fight anything we will create resistance. Battles that were won are often only temporary. Learning to listen to the body and honour what it tells us – from moment to moment – is truly supportive for health, and not only when we have a disease, but for life. It is shocking to realise how often we disregard what our bodies are telling us.
‘People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.’ A beautiful reminder of how much energy we waste living a life from ideals and beliefs, and how much there is to learn through the healing process.
What you have described is a true marriage of love. Love is the best medicine ever.
Reading this today I wanted someone to video you to make a short-film so the world can see how living with cancer can truly be.
This is a very beautiful account of living with cancer. One that is consistent amongst those who have shared their experience in linking Esoteric Medicine and Conventional Medicine together in their treatment plan.
Interesting re-take on the whole ‘cancer/fight/battle’ when you write here that cancer actually helped you to surrender and realise the battle had taken place prior to your disease detection.
This re-imprints the way we deal with cancer in the world – no sympathy, no ‘poor you’ but a celebration of the lessons our body teaches us
“Now as I walk I feel a growing and deeper appreciation of my body. I am also now learning that it is ok to go at my own pace and definitely ok to honour my body in all I do.” This feels important for us all to do – not just when we feel ill or have a serious disease. How different might our health be then?
That nurse was correct – this is a model that could be used in the future for approaching cancer, not as a devastating disease but as an amazing opportunity to heal and reimprint your whole life – it would a hundred percent change the life of every person experiencing cancer.
It is interesting how people use the word fight when they talk about cancer and see it as a battle to be won, yet we don’t say this about heart disease or any of the other life threatening illnesses, and in fact the opposite is true. When we surrender to cancer we are surrendering to the body, and allowing the body to do what it needs to do, and by listening to our body we know what our next step will be and true healing can begin to take place.
A blessing for every woman, through your testimonial about the true healing we get invited to heal too when our body shows the illness we lived in.
This is beautiful Fiona. I can really feel through your experience that cancer doesn’t need to be a fight, it can be a gorgeous surrender that not only offers the blessing of true healing to the one with the cancer but also to those who can see and feel what is being reflected.
This is so inspiring. We can either choose to be crushed by illness and disease or take every symptom as a message from or body to learn from and deepen with.
This is an extraordinary account Fiona of your journey with cancer. You offer the reader much insight and a deeper understanding of how to deal with cancer and to not see it as a death sentence or a burden, but in fact the opportunity it gave your body to truly heal. Your article will support and inspire so many people with similar medical conditions not to feel they have to fight anything but to develop a deepening relationship with oneself and with the body’s wisdom and intelligence.
Thank you Anna for your comment, this is so true about illness and also about the esoteric way of living “to develop a deepening relationship with oneself and with the body’s wisdom and intelligence.”
To feel the level of understanding expressed here is amazing, that someone notes that how we live life can be a fight and that cancer put a stop to that shines a wholely different light on healing and what it is to truly live … and you can feel it in what’s offered here, that Fiona has come back to herself, that she’s learned and deepened her relationship with her along the way and as that in each step she’s asked what is there to see here. Reading today that in fact when we get down we may just have ‘gotten stuck on something’ reminds me that life is open, naturally so and when I am stuck on something I’m out of rhythm with life and that it doesn’t need to be this way. Thank you Fiona for the depth and profoundness you offer us all here.
It’s an amazing realisation, that the fight of ones true natural self and their body led to the cancer, and the cancer itself is not something to fight but a stop to allow space to return to the true essence of the person and to listen to the body. A harmony restored.
“People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth” – this is so profound. We keep trying, battling and struggling and call it a life, but there is another way to be that truly honours and loves who we are.
‘People say cancer is a fight. I don’t feel it is. The battle for me was before, when I lived from ideals and beliefs, now I have reconnected to me there is no fight or battle, just a beautiful return to truth.’ What a revelation to be shared with all who are in ill health as an inspiration to embrace healing.
There is so much to learn and appreciate in all facets of our everyday life – and keeping diary is a fabulous way of doing and celebrating this as it provides the opportunity to reflect on our days and weeks and appreciate where we have come from to where we are now.
After reading this, I can really feel how we hold back from living life as tenderly and beautifully and richly as we actually can. We don’t need to wait for a life-threatening illness for the grace to go there, but more often than not we do play that game. I can feel the depth of joy possible when we choose to live as lovingly as we can in the now, without waiting for a disease to give us that opportunity.
Truly remarkable to hear someone in your position finding life such a joy, it really puts things in prospective. I feel very inspired to take the signals my body is giving me as a blessing not a curse.
This is how we need to approach cancer, not fighting it or blaming it or hating it but using every single step we make to re-imprint our old ways, and finding a new fresh way to rebuild our life.
Your view of life is just stunning. I love that you see your cancer as the stop you needed to bring you back to love… and you are unable to withdraw from life due to the ever deepening connection you choose for yourself and the enjoyment you have at reconnecting to and expressing the deeper levels of yourself. A blessing indeed… and as a result, an inspiration for us all.
Fiona you are truly inspirational and show that when your heart is full of love and you’re then open to see what is getting in the way of truly living who you are, the way ahead can be one of joy and exuberance for your life.