By Anonymous, UK
In January 2018 I was diagnosed with an anal fistula. A fistula is a tunnel that has formed with an opening at either end, one outside the anal entrance and one – or more, as in my experience I had two – inside. It becomes increasingly painful to sit, poo and move around and then very painful 24/7. It can be caused by Crohn’s disease, diverticulitis or certain other bowel conditions. It can develop as a consequence of an abscess forming and then bursting, and often is accompanied by constipation initially. It is notable for the pain experienced.
The main form of treatment is surgery. The fistula or the tunnel can be opened up from one end to the other all in one go or in stages. There is a risk of incontinence in some types of fistula that involve the anal sphincters if they are opened all at once. An alternative approach is to insert a Seton suture – which is usually a length of plastic which is put through the tunnel and tied in a loop and this helps to drain the fistula and it can then be opened up gradually over a number of weeks rather than all at once.
My symptoms had started with what seemed like faecal incontinence which only happened after I had passed stool. I left this alone for a while to see if it would stop on its own, like many of us do. It didn’t, I was leaking poo through the fistula, leaving me sore, uncomfortable, inflamed and concerned. I had bleeding from my anus and a lot of pain. As time went on my anus became swollen and bright red most of the time, looking and feeling a lot like bad sunburn. I didn’t however have an abscess or any other bowel condition, though I regularly had constipation.
Having been a student of The Way Of The Livingness, a student of myself, for just over 6 years, by now I was very familiar with the fact that my choices affect my health, so it was time to look at why this was happening and with the steady support of my Esoteric Practitioner, I started to address what I had been hanging on to so strongly, for so long. It hurt … what came up, I could understand why I had held onto it, but my body was showing me that it wasn’t working for me … to not let go. So I made the choice to do so and over the next 12 months I was letting it all go. My practitioner’s support was amazing and so was my body with its willingness to let it go. I took a lot of care of myself, focused on staying with me, present, as much as I could, and allowed my body to do its work … and bucket loads came out, deep sadness, control, fear, grief, beliefs, protection, no wonder my body formed this channel trying to deal with it all, the pressure of holding it all in … to try and get rid of it!! And to get my attention to what needed to be dealt with … What I Wasn’t Letting Go Of.
In addition to working on the root cause of the condition, I also attended the hospital for surgical treatment. From visiting the consultant, I found out I needed surgery as described above. For me it was the Seton suture and partial laying open. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences and it was very painful. But I knew I needed to have the physical help with the surgery in order to assist my body to heal, as well as being committed to healing the root cause at an energetic level by looking at my choices and how I was living.
The combination of Esoteric Medicine and Western Medicine supported me to bring full and deep healing to the long held on to backlog of energy in my body and a rebalance to my body and how I am in life.
Holding on to old hurts, control, fear, protection etc., certainly isn’t worth it, the body takes the toll as does how we are in life and with everyone else. I became much more aware of how my held onto ways tainted the way I had been in life and in relationship with others.
Six weeks post-surgery and the Seton did its job, but instead of it taking the usual 6-8 weeks to heal as I was told by the hospital, it took just 18 days. I had no pain and I could sit normally, all was healed. Clearing the root cause supported my body in its healing and because the stuck/blocked energy is no longer there, my body could heal fully, physically and energetically.
Four months on and I started having pain again which had been increasing, and I was bleeding from my anus. I was told it could return … I was a little concerned. I went for my follow up with the consultant to find out I had an open wound inside, this time a spontaneous lay open where the previous Seton suture had been. This didn’t make sense to me as all had healed and I was pain free previously. The consultant’s letter then confirmed I had had a spontaneous lay open that was acting like an anal fissure, not a recurrence of the fistula. A fissure is a crack in the anal skin. I had an open wound inside that needed to heal.
So I gave myself space to heal with a routine to support my body with this. Every morning I would wake early and lie in bed and be with my body, starting off by bringing my focus to my toes, feet and ankles then working my way up my body and the wound area in particular, also other areas that felt related to and were painful with it, like my gall bladder, jaw, right ovary, stomach, hips, and pelvis. As I brought my focus to each area it began to tingle and I could feel the healing taking place. This allowed me to surrender and deepen every day, also to let go of any emotions, beliefs or patterns I was still holding on to, to clear the energy so it could heal.
Every evening I did (and still do) Sacred Movement, as I prepared for bed. Sacred movement is a gentle rhythmic movement of the pelvis that helps to reconnect us with the sacredness within. It initiates a deeper connection within, aligning me to more of my true self and healing for my body through the night, releasing that which does not belong to me.
Over the weeks the pain reduced to what I would say was barely pain, the bleeding had stopped apart from the occasional time when something big, like an emotional hurt, had come up to be released. I also increased my self-care to support my body in every way I could and with this bringing my awareness to how I move throughout the day, whether with myself and my body or from an emotion, reaction, belief, picture, running thoughts etc.
In May 2019 I had my final appointment with the consultant and was given the all clear, all had healed, no symptoms, pain, bleeding or constipation, I was all clear physically and energetically with this, and was signed off from the clinic.
Holding on … is it worth it? Definitely not. Not only because of the surgery and the disease for my body but how I now feel, so much lighter, clearer, and much more confident and assured, with a greater feeling of spaciousness and Joy. So much fear, control and protection has been let go of.
My approach now? No matter what it is, observe it, feel and acknowledge it and let it go, ever deepening my awareness of how I am moving, whether it be in the old way, or at one with the All.
13 thoughts on “Anal Fistula – Holding On … Is it Worth it?”
“I became much more aware of how my held onto ways tainted the way I had been in life and in relationship with others.” I can relate to this as our patterns and behaviours can be with us for so long we may not realise they don’t even belong, just there in the background and feel like our ‘normal’, we might even identify with them as being who we are, when they aren’t actually part of our essence at all. This has been great to read again and consider what I need to let go of.
What comes through this blog is your body’s amazing ability to heal so fast when there is nothing left to hang onto, as the stuck energy that you had been hanging onto Anon has been healed within your body so you could as you say, heal fully, physically and energetically.
“So much fear, control and protection has been let go of “. Beautifully expressed thank you, why would we want to hold onto this, showing again the greatness of our body and its messages we constantly receive.
A reminder to us all that everything has meaning and that we can choose to bring a ‘magnifying’ glass to life and live with the responsibility this offers.
Thank you Anon, a difficult and challenging ailment that would have many people feeling slave to their body and the condition, has been completely transformed by your approach. What a deeply empowering way to regard the condition, the causes behind it and what you needed to implement in order to bring true healing. What is shared here is an approach that can be applied to all and any ailment, disease or illness with staggering results, including the rate of healing that occurs when the body is truly supported to cleanse, heal and renew itself on all levels: physically, emotionally, mentally and energetically. Awesome!
What comes across is your willingness to take responsibility for your health when confronted with a health issue. And how you used both Universal Medicine to look at the root cause and Western Medicine for the surgery that was required and everything that goes with having surgery. This shows me that if we use both methods of healing the body recovers more easily and as you say it feels lighter because you are not dragging around held onto pictures, ideals and beliefs which have an adverse effect without us noticing until we have a health issue to deal with.
It’s very easy to blame our bodies when we have health problems arise – yet the reality is that our bodies and our state of health are a reflection of how we have been living and where we are still holding on to certain pictures about ourselves and the world around us. What a wonderful example here of what can happen we we do ‘hang on’ and what’s possible when we make the choice to ‘let go’!
It is freeing to feel the truth behind medical conditions like this one and that we do not have to feel like a ‘victim’ unsure what is happening in our own body
A clear example of the 3 elements of support in healing, Western Medicine, Esoteric Medicine and a personal responsibility to nominate and let go of ingrained patterns while taking self-nurturing and self-care to a deeper level.
What an amazing healing when most people experience lots of pain and for a long time after the surgery, moving ever so gingerly lest it get worse, as happened to a friend of mine. The marriage of Esoteric and Western Medicine is a marriage made in heaven, literally so and we all stand to greatly benefit from it.
Absolute gold thank-you. You have described so clearly what this area of the body was showing you in terms of the energetic and lifestyle factors, and combined this so well with medical care and deepening your self care. I have found the whole blog very inspiring, thank you so much!
Energy is constantly passing through us everyday – holding onto beliefs, behaviours, incidents and attitudes just makes us ill and gets in the way of us feeling love.
Absolutely love what you’ve shared. I’ve known a few people with this condition or similar and I have seen how difficult it can be to deal with. So many beautiful tips for true healing here.