By Anonymous, UK
In January 2018 I was diagnosed with an anal fistula. A fistula is a tunnel that has formed with an opening at either end, one outside the anal entrance and one – or more, as in my experience I had two – inside. It becomes increasingly painful to sit, poo and move around and then very painful 24/7. It can be caused by Crohn’s disease, diverticulitis or certain other bowel conditions. It can develop as a consequence of an abscess forming and then bursting, and often is accompanied by constipation initially. It is notable for the pain experienced.
The main form of treatment is surgery. The fistula or the tunnel can be opened up from one end to the other all in one go or in stages. There is a risk of incontinence in some types of fistula that involve the anal sphincters if they are opened all at once. An alternative approach is to insert a Seton suture – which is usually a length of plastic which is put through the tunnel and tied in a loop and this helps to drain the fistula and it can then be opened up gradually over a number of weeks rather than all at once.
My symptoms had started with what seemed like faecal incontinence which only happened after I had passed stool. I left this alone for a while to see if it would stop on its own, like many of us do. It didn’t, I was leaking poo through the fistula, leaving me sore, uncomfortable, inflamed and concerned. I had bleeding from my anus and a lot of pain. As time went on my anus became swollen and bright red most of the time, looking and feeling a lot like bad sunburn. I didn’t however have an abscess or any other bowel condition, though I regularly had constipation.
Having been a student of The Way Of The Livingness, a student of myself, for just over 6 years, by now I was very familiar with the fact that my choices affect my health, so it was time to look at why this was happening and with the steady support of my Esoteric Practitioner, I started to address what I had been hanging on to so strongly, for so long. It hurt … what came up, I could understand why I had held onto it, but my body was showing me that it wasn’t working for me … to not let go. So I made the choice to do so and over the next 12 months I was letting it all go. My practitioner’s support was amazing and so was my body with its willingness to let it go. I took a lot of care of myself, focused on staying with me, present, as much as I could, and allowed my body to do its work … and bucket loads came out, deep sadness, control, fear, grief, beliefs, protection, no wonder my body formed this channel trying to deal with it all, the pressure of holding it all in … to try and get rid of it!! And to get my attention to what needed to be dealt with … What I Wasn’t Letting Go Of.
In addition to working on the root cause of the condition, I also attended the hospital for surgical treatment. From visiting the consultant, I found out I needed surgery as described above. For me it was the Seton suture and partial laying open. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences and it was very painful. But I knew I needed to have the physical help with the surgery in order to assist my body to heal, as well as being committed to healing the root cause at an energetic level by looking at my choices and how I was living.
The combination of Esoteric Medicine and Western Medicine supported me to bring full and deep healing to the long held on to backlog of energy in my body and a rebalance to my body and how I am in life.
Holding on to old hurts, control, fear, protection etc., certainly isn’t worth it, the body takes the toll as does how we are in life and with everyone else. I became much more aware of how my held onto ways tainted the way I had been in life and in relationship with others.
Six weeks post-surgery and the Seton did its job, but instead of it taking the usual 6-8 weeks to heal as I was told by the hospital, it took just 18 days. I had no pain and I could sit normally, all was healed. Clearing the root cause supported my body in its healing and because the stuck/blocked energy is no longer there, my body could heal fully, physically and energetically.
Four months on and I started having pain again which had been increasing, and I was bleeding from my anus. I was told it could return … I was a little concerned. I went for my follow up with the consultant to find out I had an open wound inside, this time a spontaneous lay open where the previous Seton suture had been. This didn’t make sense to me as all had healed and I was pain free previously. The consultant’s letter then confirmed I had had a spontaneous lay open that was acting like an anal fissure, not a recurrence of the fistula. A fissure is a crack in the anal skin. I had an open wound inside that needed to heal.
So I gave myself space to heal with a routine to support my body with this. Every morning I would wake early and lie in bed and be with my body, starting off by bringing my focus to my toes, feet and ankles then working my way up my body and the wound area in particular, also other areas that felt related to and were painful with it, like my gall bladder, jaw, right ovary, stomach, hips, and pelvis. As I brought my focus to each area it began to tingle and I could feel the healing taking place. This allowed me to surrender and deepen every day, also to let go of any emotions, beliefs or patterns I was still holding on to, to clear the energy so it could heal.
Every evening I did (and still do) Sacred Movement, as I prepared for bed. Sacred movement is a gentle rhythmic movement of the pelvis that helps to reconnect us with the sacredness within. It initiates a deeper connection within, aligning me to more of my true self and healing for my body through the night, releasing that which does not belong to me.
Over the weeks the pain reduced to what I would say was barely pain, the bleeding had stopped apart from the occasional time when something big, like an emotional hurt, had come up to be released. I also increased my self-care to support my body in every way I could and with this bringing my awareness to how I move throughout the day, whether with myself and my body or from an emotion, reaction, belief, picture, running thoughts etc.
In May 2019 I had my final appointment with the consultant and was given the all clear, all had healed, no symptoms, pain, bleeding or constipation, I was all clear physically and energetically with this, and was signed off from the clinic.
Holding on … is it worth it? Definitely not. Not only because of the surgery and the disease for my body but how I now feel, so much lighter, clearer, and much more confident and assured, with a greater feeling of spaciousness and Joy. So much fear, control and protection has been let go of.
My approach now? No matter what it is, observe it, feel and acknowledge it and let it go, ever deepening my awareness of how I am moving, whether it be in the old way, or at one with the All.