Eating Dis-orders

by Gyl Rae, Teacher, Scotland

I have grown up most of my teenage years and adult life with an eating dis-order. This has not been outwardly obvious to people as in being anorexic, as mainly people commented on how good I looked, how great my body was and how slim I am. I have never physically stuck my fingers down my throat to be sick, nor hidden food to binge eat later, but I did eat in a way that was very obsessive and controlling, and at times worked out how and what to eat and drink in a way that would make me be sick after I ate something I knew wasn’t good for my body.

The reason I had an eating dis-order is because of the lack of self-worth and self-loathing I had for myself. I have come to know that I also eat to not feel all that I do, I eat to fight my sensitivity (awareness). I didn’t and at times still don’t want to feel what’s going on around me, as it means I would have to speak up and be more responsible.

Over the years my body has shared many things I knew and know I shouldn’t be doing. Like being in abusive and un-loving relationships, saying yes to things or people when everything in me was saying no, to not wanting to feel jealousy from others, this is a big one for me. I now know this is all okay to feel as I am learning to respond, observe and not react to what I feel. I now know that what I feel is not wrong and there’s nothing wrong with feeling all that I do. The key is observing it and not absorbing it, to live my truth.

Going back to when I was around 13 years old, I remember eating a bowl of ice cream, normal size, no big deal and running up and down on the stairs afterwards, using it like a step machine to burn off the fat and calories. There was absolutely no intention to love and nourish my body, I was treating it like a machine. A lot of this was influenced by ideals and beliefs in the world and images I saw around me of women in the media, of what a woman’s body should look like to be beautiful or fit in, to be liked and accepted, and hurts I didn’t want to feel. I never felt good enough. Like something was wrong with me.

In my 20’s and 30’s, to other people, on the outside I looked the part, the perfect picture, slim, fit and athletic, eating healthy food, working as a fitness instructor, so really you would think I knew it all. I was training and advising people on health and well-being, yet behind closed doors I was a mess. I ate a so-called good diet, but the truth is, you can still abuse yourself and have an eating dis-order with healthy food. I ate for pure function, not to nourish, love, deeply care for and nurture myself. I didn’t eat to support my body and my being. It wasn’t only what I ate but the way in which I ate, shopped and cooked my food; all from lack of self-worth and self-loathing, not taking the time and care, to lovingly buy, prepare and eat food that nourished me, but rushing and in dis-regard. I also drank alcohol and partied hard, as many people in the fitness industry did at that time, I don’t work in this field anymore so I cannot comment on what it is like now.

For me, any eating dis-order is eating in a way that does not deeply honour, love and support our body’s natural true light and divinity. Eating in any way that does not support us to evolve.

The choice to change

It’s only since attending Universal Medicine presentations, workshops and courses that I have begun to look at my relationship with food.  The choice to change didn’t come from being told what to do, or what to eat by Serge Benhayon. I was presented with truth, a choice: I could listen to, nourish, and honour my body; or I could keep on abusing myself.  This was something very new to me as I had grown up on a diet of deliberately misleading information through books, magazines, the health industry, media etc, with mis-leading information like the pyramid triangle, and we need to drink milk everyday to get strong bones.  I was never truly educated, told the truth, or asked to listen to my body and feel what I needed to eat.

I will be very honest here, even in the past few years I thought I had a very healthy relationship with food and eating, but I was still eating from what and how much I thought I ‘should’ eat based on outside beliefs and comparing myself to other people, so even though, yes, I was eating a healthier diet, and making self-loving steps here, it came from knowledge, a disconnection to my body, not listening to and honouring my body. There is no joy, fun or evolution in knowledge; only in connecting to your body, listening to it, and loving yourself deeply.

Sometimes I eat food which I know doesn’t support my body, but I know it’s not the food that’s the issue. For example, I crave sweet food at times. But, to heal this it’s not about cutting out sweet food, that doesn’t work.  I used to use force myself to try and stop eating a certain type of food, but I’d just end up eating it again. Beating myself up doesn’t work either; it just makes it worse, if you saw someone walking around hitting themselves with a big stick, you’d stop them, or at least see how unloving it is, yet this is what we are energetically doing to ourselves when we give ourselves a hard time. Accepting where I am at, understanding and appreciating myself is key.

Last year, I had incredible support from Miranda Benhayon: her support is so simple, deeply understanding and absolute pure love; she is a true inspiration to me. As a result I have come to love myself and my body more, I have a deeper understanding for myself and my body and am far less harsh and regimental with food, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or eats.

She supported me to see that to truly heal from the sweet food I crave at times, is about me appreciating the sweetness and beauty all around me, and inside of me, and the more I appreciate that, my need for sweet food will naturally drop away. She also helped me to realise that if I have no joy in what I eat, I’ve disconnected from my body; instead it’s about connecting to my body, feeling what it needs, as well as how I approach preparing and cooking my food, doing it lovingly.

It’s really simple; the truth always is…the more I love myself and my body, the more loving I will be with the way I eat.

Read more:

  1. Obesity, food and fasting. 
  2. Before and After – Kylie Jackson on finding her true weight.

510 thoughts on “Eating Dis-orders

  1. On reading this ‘I have grown up most of my teenage years and adult life with an eating dis-order. This has not been outwardly obvious to people as in being anorexic, as mainly people commented on how good I looked, how great my body was and how slim I am.’ I reflected on how easily we go by ‘face’ value (how someone looks) rather than feeling how that person is and what is going on for them … without judgement. With the world currently being all about looks and during the current Christmas period it being all about shopping and what we must buy we are getting taken away from the very basics of what feels true for us. When I was in my late teens I was borderline anorexic as well but although people in my life were aware of how controlling I was with food I cannot remember a time when during this period anyone really connected with me or touched base with me about this, again no judgement. So I guess what I am saying here is whether we see it or don’t, how much do we really care first for ourselves and then for others?

    1. Yes, face value is so easy because it does not call for us to feel what is actually going on and then respond accordingly, knowing there may be no call for anything anyway. Instead we can justify that everything looks fine and walk away with no true care for another.

  2. We seem to have narrowed down what we claim an eating disorder is – could it be that we are not ready to see that anytime we eat not to nourish our bodies is a dis order?

  3. My feeling is that almost everyone has an eating disorder of some form or another as we eat from what others tell us our diet should be rather than eating what feels right for our body. Giving the body a say is a massive step towards self care.

  4. We often associate an eating disorder as being in the range of bulimia and anorexia but what about the millions of us who overeat day in and day out until we reach unnatural proportions. It’s not uncommon today to see overweight people as normal ( I know because I was one of those people) but is it healthy for us and for me I would say no it wasn’t.

  5. Eating to nourish ourselves and eating what our bodies needs in terms of supporting our particular days can mean different requirements for different people.

  6. No one really ever is perfect with food, so there is nothing to fret about not eating in a perfect way, the awareness of how we eat and the consequences is awesome, and every little point of awareness reached without self bashing is key.

  7. Love the simplicity offered here – it is so inspiring … “…the more I love myself and my body, the more loving I will be with the way I eat.”

  8. ‘There was absolutely no intention to love and nourish my body, I was treating it like a machine.’ even when we feel we are eating to provide what our body needs we often do this from a function point of view. i.e. what we have made our body from our mind overriding it and then eating to allow us to do it again rather than acting and moving from the impulses we feel in our body itself and then making our food choices from these same feelings.

  9. “It’s really simple; the truth always is…the more I love myself and my body, the more loving I will be with the way I eat.” Yes I agree, there is absolutely nothing complicated about this.

  10. When I started to really take care of myself and connect to my whole body as opposed to just my mind, I started to see the dis-ordered way of my living, eating, breathing, relating, sleeping – essentially every aspect of life. The more I love myself, the more the depth of the dis-ordered-ness is revealed, though that only inspires me to love deeper and at the subtlest level.

  11. Its great to have the insight to know that what we eat or drink is in direct relation to how we are feeling in life, when I found out why I drank alcohol I was able to stop drinking straight away whereas before I had tried to stop many times with absolutely no joy.

  12. Many people use food to self-medicate unresolved hurts and feelings of emptiness. Without a true relationship with self we do not feel truly worthy and food becomes the easy ‘go to’ when we feel low or out of sorts. Building a deep relationship with self brings an inner steadiness that supports us to eat to nourish our bodies, not plug holes in our sense of self.

  13. Time to re-state the true meaning of eating disorders from one primarily associated with specific ill-health conditions like bulimia and anorexia to the everyday relationship most people have with food that has resulted in vast numbers of them becoming obese and considering it to be normal.

  14. “Eating in any way that does not support us to evolve” The Way of the Livingness presents that every one of life’s activities offers us an opportunity to evolve and eating is one of them.

  15. For most of my life I thought that I was keeping my life in order by controlling it but now I realise that the control that I was asserting on people and my environment actually interfered with the natural order of all things.

  16. I recognize that I can choose to eat not to feel. And reading this in your blog made me even more aware how I control my life this way in how much I am willing to face.
    Like not too much in one go. Why not I ask myself?
    It feels like a lazyness in my body to take the time. I feel it asks lovingly discipline to claim myself through this energies that holds me back. That is what is needed.

  17. It is a great place to be where we know there’s no right or wrong with our feelings but accept them for what they are..then we don’t feel such a need to bury them with food.

  18. Coming back to this blog open up so many doors to our relationship with food and how we become addicted to a way of life through our own interpretation of what has been shared down the years about eating. It feels like a lot of people in my generation (I am 65) have come from a poverty mentality, as we were told that people around the world were starving to death and we had to appreciate all we had. So eating was anything but for our evolution, it became all about eat what you can when you can and feel the blessing any food offered, without feeling what it was doing to our bodies.

    1. Also as my mother grew up during the second world was and they had to ration their food, so the mentality on-top of the usual 3 veg, and 1 meat a day diet was that we were portioned or rationed each meal. What transpired was that I actually felt in control when I would pig out on my own food i.e. the hugest bowl of wheatabix with copious amounts of sugar, a freshly baked hot loaf of bread, pizzas were never big enough, and also there was the time where I ended up eating a whole tub of ice-cream 4lts. with half a tin of malt.

      1. And yet again eating because the food is there and it should not be wasted to the point that I got sick. So I end up not being of service to myself or anyone else. I have to learn life is about being there for each other and nothing to do with indulgence.

  19. When there is no rhythm to my food or my eating then I can get totally taken off track. When there is a purpose to what I am eating then I choose foods to support that purpose.

  20. All we have to do is be honest about how we feel when we make our food choices and eat the food, this will tell us all we need to know to make food choices which support us and further our understanding of ourselves.

    1. So true, I ate something yesterday that didn’t feel right, I didn’t want to see it at the time, but I felt ill straight away, then had a bad night sleep. This is not my normal so it now stands out as a point of me creating a tension where there wasn’t one and therefore an opportunity to not repeat it next time round.

  21. Food, we use it as a reward, as a comfort and as a mechanism for deliberately dulling our sensitivity and our ability to read situations. Why would we not want to read? Perhaps we are afraid of our own power, of what we can read, of the impact our knowledge can have on our relationships, somehow we need to go beyond all that, accept what we are truly capable of and not hold ourselves back.

  22. What is shared here can equally apply to all areas of our lives. We can nourish or abuse our selves with work, sleep, exercise and relationships. I fully appreciate the gift of Universal Medicine it has empowered me and thousands of other people to transmute our previously abusive ways into a life of nurture and nourishment, thus restoring our natural way of living.

    1. So the game is ‘We can nourish or abuse our selves’. The cost to the body of our choices is catastrophic and even if we ‘nourish’ ourselves by the world’s standards of health, it is clear from the statistics that isn’t working either. You would think that people would start to be looking for where truth sits in this game, for truth would expose the entire game for what it is.

  23. Realising that we so often do not eat for the nutrition our body requires unlocks access to food as a powerful form of medicine.

  24. I expect all eating disorders can be traced back to a lack of self-worth or self-loathing and this is such a sad thing as we are all so very cool and connected to the same love as everyone else, it is just that so many of us just can’t see it yet.

    1. Where does the source of low; self-worth and loathing come from? Because as you have said, we are all connected to the same love?

  25. If we truly love ourselves no matter what we eat or not eat, there is the deep understanding of ourselves so that eating clearly is not because of only food. We treasure ourselves and in no perfection in daily lives, we live this treasure. I never eat perfect food, but I appreciate such opportunities to learn how different foods feel in my body and this is the deepening Love we always have with ourselves. I never judge myself anymore or others on food, and this is what makes life beautiful.

  26. ‘if I have no joy in what I eat, I’ve disconnected from my body’ This is interesting because we are educated to taste food and a lot of food is chemically altered to improve its taste. We think there is joy in taste but the true joy is in feeling our connection.

    1. mmmm, thank you Carmel, this is something to consider. How often do we eat distracted from what we are eating by doing something else at the same time thereby justifying the fact that we are not feeling how a food is ‘sitting’ in our body?

  27. Gyl – thank you once again for a great sharing that reminds us all of how much deep care and love we deserve to give ourselves and how we are here to develop that step by step.

  28. Deep down we know exactly what to eat or what not to eat, the body is very fine tuned in its capacity to let us know what works for it and what does not. Especially when we are sick or recovering from an illness or food poisoning etc and this is usually a time we tune in and listen more deeply. But more often than not we eat from the head rather than from the approach of what the body prefers and then it makes sense that the body must speak more loudly and perhaps get sick in order to purge that which we have put in which really should not have gone in. At least this is what has happened time and time again in my experience!

  29. How we feel about ourselves affects our choices in life including food choices. For example when we feel wonderful about ourselves we tend not to be drawn to foods that do not support us but when we feel terrible or are down and out in life we are often drawn to foods that are not that good nor supportive for us. Hence we can use our behaviours and food choices as a symptom to show how we feel about ourselves.

    1. Misery loves company, so it is said. So, why do we make our partner in this arrangement food? Could it be because it is dulling us and it never complains?

  30. Self-loathing and the lack of self-worth in women is the basis of many habitual habits of a destructive nature in women.
    “The reason I had an eating dis-order is because of the lack of self-worth and self-loathing I had for myself.”

    1. When we don’t love ourselves to the bone, why honour and respect and adore ourselves in our behaviours, be it food choices or otherwise? And so we can use this realisation to begin to build a more loving relationship with ourselves which then means that as we begin to honour and respect and adore ourselves more and more we then have the strength to reflect that in our practical choices with our body.

    1. Such an important point you make Johanne. Everything starts with our relationship with ourselves first before we manifest signs of what this may be outwardly.

  31. ‘I have come to know that I also eat to not feel all that I do, I eat to fight my sensitivity (awareness). I didn’t and at times still don’t want to feel what’s going on around me, as it means I would have to speak up and be more responsible.’ I am eating more than I need at present. I am finding life particularly challenging and it is definitely ‘comfort’ eating. There is part of me that knows I’d know more, understand more, read more and there’s a rebellious part of me that really doesn’t want to know more.

  32. There are no hard and fast rules about what our bodies need, because we are living units of expression whose needs alter depending on what we are doing, how we are living and what we need to deliver. Therefore, true nourishment arises from our ability to listen with great care to what our bodies require and to never hold back on delivering the goods, which calls for us, the being inside, to totally surrender our own food agendas and become absolutely obedient to call from our flesh and bones. Not a very profitable diet programme or regime that anyone can sell.

  33. ‘you can still abuse yourself and have an eating dis-order with healthy food’ Yes, we can overeat, eat watching TV, eat in a bad mood, eat with total disregard to the fact that we are eating. The energy we are in when we eat is what we are in truth absorbing.

    1. And, we know the effect these prolonged energies have on our body, but we still choose to carry on in disregarding our selves!

  34. The only true diet is the one that nourishes and honours the body and this is discerned by listening to and responding to its need, not what we think or are told is best for us/our body.

  35. I love how this unfolds Gyl, how we can learn to respond, to observe and not to react to what we feel. When this develops, we realise we don’t reach out to numb our feelings with eating and those patterns can fall away.

  36. With regard to eating and food, the more I listen to my body the more in-order I feel within myself; and when I don’t, I feel a dis-order.

  37. A beautiful sharing of the simplicity and truth of loving ourselves, nourishing ourselves and being the love we are naturally and how important this is with our diet, what we eat, how we eat and feeling all there is to feel and not taking it on.

  38. The science is incredibly simple. You put junk in, you get junk out. Of course the more in-depth medical and nutritional science is important, but let’s not kid ourselves; we all know exactly what is going on.

    1. It’s also true to say that if we feel like junk then we’re much more likely to eat junk, whereas if we feel vibrant and alive then we’re much more likely to eat food that we know isn’t going to tarnish our sparkle.

      1. This is a super important angle on the discussion, Alexis and empowers us to change our eating habits. Nurture the body and our movements and we will find it easier to make the loving choices.

  39. “Over the years my body has shared many things I knew and know I shouldn’t be doing.” So many of us struggle through life not knowing what to do, which way to turn, whose advise to take heed of…I love this sentence you have written because it shows us how our greatest friend, mentor, advisor and truth-teller is right with us all along. Our choice as to whether we are going to listen.

  40. I hate the advertisements about milk that tell you that milk is good for you and have to consume a glass of milk each day. My body clearly told me the opposite but this advertisement and the whole industry behind told me I was wrong and as a child, this was hard for me to withstand.

    1. I agree Nico, I’ve never been a big milk fan either. When we were young the schools used to insist on us drinking milk every day and we would get into trouble if we didn’t drink it. Now at the school, I volunteer at they give the children fruit as an afternoon snack but the children can refuse.

      1. That is great to hear this compared to how dictatorial I experienced education and my upbringing to be, but I am sure there are still aspects of this way of upbringing alive of which we must be aware of.

      2. Julie, I have found this to be the case too at the school where I assist, the children there are given a choice to choose, or not, from three fruits for their mid morning snack.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s