Eating Dis-orders

by Gyl Rae, Teacher, Scotland

I have grown up most of my teenage years and adult life with an eating dis-order. This has not been outwardly obvious to people as in being anorexic, as mainly people commented on how good I looked, how great my body was and how slim I am. I have never physically stuck my fingers down my throat to be sick, nor hidden food to binge eat later, but I did eat in a way that was very obsessive and controlling, and at times worked out how and what to eat and drink in a way that would make me be sick after I ate something I knew wasn’t good for my body.

The reason I had an eating dis-order is because of the lack of self-worth and self-loathing I had for myself. I have come to know that I also eat to not feel all that I do, I eat to fight my sensitivity (awareness). I didn’t and at times still don’t want to feel what’s going on around me, as it means I would have to speak up and be more responsible.

Over the years my body has shared many things I knew and know I shouldn’t be doing. Like being in abusive and un-loving relationships, saying yes to things or people when everything in me was saying no, to not wanting to feel jealousy from others, this is a big one for me. I now know this is all okay to feel as I am learning to respond, observe and not react to what I feel. I now know that what I feel is not wrong and there’s nothing wrong with feeling all that I do. The key is observing it and not absorbing it, to live my truth.

Going back to when I was around 13 years old, I remember eating a bowl of ice cream, normal size, no big deal and running up and down on the stairs afterwards, using it like a step machine to burn off the fat and calories. There was absolutely no intention to love and nourish my body, I was treating it like a machine. A lot of this was influenced by ideals and beliefs in the world and images I saw around me of women in the media, of what a woman’s body should look like to be beautiful or fit in, to be liked and accepted, and hurts I didn’t want to feel. I never felt good enough. Like something was wrong with me.

In my 20’s and 30’s, to other people, on the outside I looked the part, the perfect picture, slim, fit and athletic, eating healthy food, working as a fitness instructor, so really you would think I knew it all. I was training and advising people on health and well-being, yet behind closed doors I was a mess. I ate a so-called good diet, but the truth is, you can still abuse yourself and have an eating dis-order with healthy food. I ate for pure function, not to nourish, love, deeply care for and nurture myself. I didn’t eat to support my body and my being. It wasn’t only what I ate but the way in which I ate, shopped and cooked my food; all from lack of self-worth and self-loathing, not taking the time and care, to lovingly buy, prepare and eat food that nourished me, but rushing and in dis-regard. I also drank alcohol and partied hard, as many people in the fitness industry did at that time, I don’t work in this field anymore so I cannot comment on what it is like now.

For me, any eating dis-order is eating in a way that does not deeply honour, love and support our body’s natural true light and divinity. Eating in any way that does not support us to evolve.

The choice to change

It’s only since attending Universal Medicine presentations, workshops and courses that I have begun to look at my relationship with food.  The choice to change didn’t come from being told what to do, or what to eat by Serge Benhayon. I was presented with truth, a choice: I could listen to, nourish, and honour my body; or I could keep on abusing myself.  This was something very new to me as I had grown up on a diet of deliberately misleading information through books, magazines, the health industry, media etc, with mis-leading information like the pyramid triangle, and we need to drink milk everyday to get strong bones.  I was never truly educated, told the truth, or asked to listen to my body and feel what I needed to eat.

I will be very honest here, even in the past few years I thought I had a very healthy relationship with food and eating, but I was still eating from what and how much I thought I ‘should’ eat based on outside beliefs and comparing myself to other people, so even though, yes, I was eating a healthier diet, and making self-loving steps here, it came from knowledge, a disconnection to my body, not listening to and honouring my body. There is no joy, fun or evolution in knowledge; only in connecting to your body, listening to it, and loving yourself deeply.

Sometimes I eat food which I know doesn’t support my body, but I know it’s not the food that’s the issue. For example, I crave sweet food at times. But, to heal this it’s not about cutting out sweet food, that doesn’t work.  I used to use force myself to try and stop eating a certain type of food, but I’d just end up eating it again. Beating myself up doesn’t work either; it just makes it worse, if you saw someone walking around hitting themselves with a big stick, you’d stop them, or at least see how unloving it is, yet this is what we are energetically doing to ourselves when we give ourselves a hard time. Accepting where I am at, understanding and appreciating myself is key.

Last year, I had incredible support from Miranda Benhayon: her support is so simple, deeply understanding and absolute pure love; she is a true inspiration to me. As a result I have come to love myself and my body more, I have a deeper understanding for myself and my body and am far less harsh and regimental with food, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or eats.

She supported me to see that to truly heal from the sweet food I crave at times, is about me appreciating the sweetness and beauty all around me, and inside of me, and the more I appreciate that, my need for sweet food will naturally drop away. She also helped me to realise that if I have no joy in what I eat, I’ve disconnected from my body; instead it’s about connecting to my body, feeling what it needs, as well as how I approach preparing and cooking my food, doing it lovingly.

It’s really simple; the truth always is…the more I love myself and my body, the more loving I will be with the way I eat.

Read more:

  1. Obesity, food and fasting. 
  2. Before and After – Kylie Jackson on finding her true weight.

480 thoughts on “Eating Dis-orders

  1. Healthy food alone does not make us healthy – it is our livingness that will bring true health to the body and from an energetic perspective, this might even mean being ill. Because that is the way of the body, to cleanse it from that which does not belong in it, so actually it can be a healthy response of the body.

  2. Just talking to a friend today about diet and foods that really support our bodies. There is such a plethora of information about what food does what to our bodies, but the best advice I have ever found lies inside me. If I listen very carefully, my body tells me exactly what works for it and what doesn’t, no ideals, dieting regimes or fads needed.

  3. What becomes so obvious is that we know exactly what to eat to dull ourselves, so therefore we can’t ever complain we don’t know what we are doing with these patterns of numbing out. Our levels of awareness just simply feel too great to handle sometimes, because we have to act more responsibly.

    1. Yes, it is the responsibility I recognise too to run away from and how easy I can do that by choosing a certain type of food that makes me less aware so I have not to be as responsible as my being naturally is.

  4. A humble-ness comes with the learning of appreciation, so that there is no ‘wow’ factor, just the simple Humble-Appreciative-Ness of the joy it is to be re-connected to our essence, and that no amount of yummy-ness in the mouth can distract us from being connected.

  5. “It’s only since attending Universal Medicine presentations, workshops and courses that I have begun to look at my relationship with food.” Agreed here, it’s like we look at life, see the problems and what we have to fix, rather than explore what is going on in terms of our relationship with different things like food, when we do I find I am more open to understanding what causes me to eat a certain way and then I am free to change that.

  6. It was not that many years ago that Pizza was the only thing you could call and have delivered. Now we have apps that allow us to order anything, and have it delivered! Is this just another way to hide what we are putting in our bodies?

  7. ‘She supported me to see that to truly heal from the sweet food I crave at times, is about me appreciating the sweetness and beauty all around me, and inside of me, and the more I appreciate that, my need for sweet food will naturally drop away.’ This is interesting for me because I’ve always craved sweet foods, and I’ve always seen myself as hard even though others tell me about my quality of sweetness, I can’t feel it for myself. So yes, I need to appreciate what is already there and not crave anything from outside of me.

  8. We can use food to numb ourselves in the just the same way we might use sports, hobbies, alcohol or drugs. Some activities seem very innocent, others evidently harmful but they all serve the same purpose, to divert our attention away from all the abuse, deceit and corruption that we feel all the time while living in this world.

  9. ‘Accepting where I am at, understanding and appreciating myself is key’, absolutely, I have just started to do this, and I have observed how much more relaxed I am with my food choices. I have gone to town on the granola, but that’s also okay because that is what happens when you deny yourself a certain food when you are not quite there yet to give it up!

  10. Giving children sweets so that they shut up or don´t scream is a way to enhance eating disorder for their adult life- in fact we introduce an eating disorder.

      1. The moment we as adults carry the consciousness that sweets are a reward and as a result “good”, we are blind to see the actual harm that it does to our bodies, whilst consuming it.

  11. Tanya Curtis has turned the wording around to say ‘Disordered eating’ which completely changes the focus from having a ‘disorder’ to having an unhealthy/unhelpful relationship with food. Then you can start to look at what is going on underneath the symptom of eating in a way that is disordered.

    1. Absolutely Vanessa, I’m going to present this for a course I’m doing. Disordered eating in families is very obvious and also very subtle. Look at how, we celebrate, forget our problems, indulge, connect etc. using food. This is where our relationship with food begins and either fosters a responsible loving relationship or a dependent and negative experience with food.

    2. ‘Disordered eating’ has a practicality about it and does not have the emotional judgment that is associated with having an ‘eating disorder’ and therefore much easier to approach the subject, discuss and address.

    3. I love that new wording and when words turn into their original strong meaning, before they got placed in a way, that keeps you in a comfort. It asks you way more to step into your own responsibility like that way.

  12. Just asking the simple question before we reach for food “am I actually hungry, or….” is a massive step in understanding what else might be at play. The answer will be different for all of us, but it is the willingness to be honest that opens the door to a grander truth.

    1. Even after you ate something you know was too much or not the right thing, it is wise to be honest about why you have chosen to eat it. By not lying to yourself with shallow reasons you will be more supported to change the pattern after all.

  13. Are eating disorders the same as other secret things we keep hidden from the outside world? The list of these hidden items is endless! Why do we shield them from the outside world? Could it be the judgement from others we avoid? How many of us are walking around with invisible sticks, beating ourselves?

  14. Attempting to diet in order to lose weight by controlling how much I ate never worked, I just didn’t have the will power to starve myself. Making the space in the day to stop, be still and allow myself to connect to how my body felt enabled me to make huge changes in my diet based on the quality of my feelings not high-minded ideals. As I began to relinquish all the foods that made my body hurt in various ways the weight just fell off, which just amazed me as it was the last thing I was expecting.

  15. Feeling from our body brings a deepening awareness and this is a great attribute as you have shared Gyl. We all have the ability to feel from what our body is sharing but the way society is set up we are consistently being told to think from our head and override our bodily feelings. This gets us to a place where we think from our head and that we are our emotions, to the point where we would be nothing without our emotional issues even the so called good ones!
    Returning to our body starts with being Gentle with our bodies again and one of the best ways to re-start to feel our Gentleness comes from practicing for 5 minutes the Gentle Breath Meditation. Sure we need more than one go but it is still only 5 minutes and every time we feel an issue that has clouded our mind with emotions we can always bring a focus back to our Gentle Breath.
    For more on the Gentle Breath Meditation go to;

  16. We seek dis-order when we do not accept, appreciate and embrace the stupendously Grand Order we belong to. It is our way of doing it ‘our way’ and not The Way it actually is.

  17. Food is a great subject that clearly reflects how we live and how we treat ourselves. We can avoid awareness or take every meal as an opportunity to be more honest and aware without any goal or pressure, just the true point we are at. To restore love we need to start from truth.

  18. Numbing ourselves with food is a doorway to put on a few pounds that can become a theme that causes physical side effects on our body. The strain, the extra weight puts on our body moves us even further away from the original issue that caused us to overeat, to start with!

    1. When we over-eat not only do we bury the original issue as you have shared Steve, but we can then also end up having to medicate our-selves because of the conditions that come with being over-weight and to make it worse we think this is okay and normal. We have learnt phrases to justify our being over-weight like I am big boned etc.

  19. “my body has shared many things I knew and know I shouldn’t be doing. ..” Yes, once we begin to pay attention to our body, it gives clear indication as to what is and is not supportive. The relationship we have with our body/ourselves is primarily the most important one.

  20. When we hone into quality first, who we are on the inside, it becomes impossible to hide behind the perfect façade and far easier to spot the fake. We can do a lot to deceive our selves and others by the way we look and behave, but we can never truly disguise the quality of the vibes we emit.

  21. I observe this so often in the gym i attend and in my educational background in sport and exercise science; those leading, teaching and coaching others are not living or moving in a way which is conducive to good health and wellbeing – always pays to discern carefully from what we feel.

  22. To control and be obsessive about food is no different to having an eating disorder; both behaviours towards food are abusive to the body. Therefore dieting where we eat food controlled by the mind and what it thinks we should eat cannot be good for our body regardless how healthy the food is. Unless we are aware of this wisdom then we cannot say we have a healthy relationship with food.

  23. As you say we often eat not to feel things but we have already felt them or how would we know to eat to not feel them. As it stands we all feel everything all the time – the only question is how much we allow ourselves to be aware of what we feel. Eating is a useful tool at numbing our feelings and awareness if that is what we want to do.

    1. Numbing ourselves does not protect us as we think it does – quite the opposite. The best protection is to feel everything in full, but it takes most of us quite a bit of development to keep allowing and expanding that because there seems to be no limit to how much we can feel and observe and then that brings a whole other level of responsibility!

      1. Not only does numbing not protect us as we think it does but it also adds another layer to be dealing with; as the emotion or thing we are avoiding doesn’t go anywhere with the numbing. Then we have a two-pronged problem. Then there is also the layering of all the problems we haven’t dealt with like the strata of sedimentary rock… the issues/problems can get settled into our infrastructure.

      2. Very true then we have to deal with not only all the clutter and stuff we have already absorbed but the additional stuff we have taken on by numbing ourselves and not discerning!

    2. Unlike any other substance we use to numb, food doesn’t have any stigma attached to it and so it is very easy to be dishonest around it or to not admit that we are using it to medicate.

    3. Same applies to many things such as certain music or over exercise or drive etc – really we can convert pretty much anything into a numbing technique, even our so called private thoughts if that is our intention.

  24. ‘There was absolutely no intention to love and nourish my body, I was treating it like a machine.’ true Gyl but sometimes it seems we have more regard for machine and technology than we do for ourselves and people.

    1. The denial of our sensitivity, in the belief that life is all about function, has a supported a global community that likes to make it look good on the outside at the expense of the inner. We have got to the point however where the outer is breaking – educational, political, economic and healthcare systems are broken and it is only by admitting to and honouring our sensitivity that this can change.

      1. Function is simply another method we use to reduce ourselves away from the grandness we truly are. By accepting less, we seemingly ease the tension of the eternal pull to return back to the All that we are.

      2. … except that that tension keeps escalating as the eternal pull is not only a constant but is always increasing. As we are seeing to our detriment, the more we fail to acknowledge the cycles we live under and that the laws of the universe are equally applicable to us, the methods we use to ease the tension will only ever get more extreme, which is precisely what we are observing in our current times.

    2. Yes we are more fascinated by machines and technology, than by the miraculous body ( no technology could ever equal) we are living in.

      1. Agree with this Stefanie. Cars are amazing and fun and I love precise engineering. Mobile phones amaze me. Computers blow my mind. I still don’t truly understand what electricity is. Key-hole surgery defies belief and I love the genius inventions of loads of other gadgets. But none of these come even close to the body. A miraculous combination of zillions of individual examples of mind-boggling technology, divine precision, absolute engineering harmony and communication technology that makes us look like we are still using smoke signals to talk to each other. Strange how we give it so little attention, respect and adoration. We should be in absolute and 24/7 awe of our bodies.

      2. I love the point you are making here Stefanie. How often do we stop and ponder on the amazingness of the human body; how intricate, delicate, strong, interconnected – all the parts working in unity in all its infinitesimal detail? But it’s not just the mechanics that are mind-blowing, it’s the fact of the body’s wisdom, what it is connected to – its particles being of divinity and how it communicates to the indwelling being, responding to cycles and energy asking that being to keep up.

  25. “The choice to change didn’t come from being told what to do, or what to eat by Serge Benhayon.” What I appreciated most about Serge Benhayon’s work is that I have never been told what to do, but immensely informed about what happens to my body and to me when I eat, drink or do certain things. Understanding how different choices affect me has empowered me to observe, evaluate, experiment with my everyday choices and begin to refine my whole way of life. The result so far has been a resounding and very vital success and shown me just how much we can kill or cure our selves with our simply daily routines.

  26. It is interesting the power of appreciation to take away the sweet tooth Gyl, that confirmation that we are so gorgeous inside, the sweetness is not required is very liberating and empowering, nothing to do with will power.

  27. There are leaders and followers. We can be the one with the whip or the bull with the ring in its nose. Or, we can be responsible for ourselves and the vessel we occupy. These are our choices

  28. I noticed myself recently eating something to dull my awareness and bring down my light just before having a reunion diner with my colleagues. I use not wanting to stand out as an excuse, but actually I am not loving us all, myself included, in full. The measuring is actually very selfish.

  29. What influences me most is the energy of the food I eat and the energy I am in when I buy and cook the food. And even when all of this is perfect I can still let myself get affected by how I eat the food and what kind of conversations or thoughts I have when I eat.

  30. ‘I have come to know that I also eat to not feel all that I do, I eat to fight my sensitivity (awareness).’ Perhaps this could explain our obesity problem worldwide and all our addictions with food?

  31. “For me, any eating dis-order is eating in a way that does not deeply honour, love and support our body’s natural true light and divinity. Eating in any way that does not support us to evolve.” By this definition most of us have an eating dis-order. The question is how do we deal with it? Self criticism is not the way – I tried that for many years and the discipline it took was harming for me – little evolution. Since I let go of that I am listening to my body more – no rules about what I should or shouldn’t be eating and it’s slowly working….. .

  32. The old saying ‘we are what we eat’ is true on so many levels, it is not till hearing more about the ancient wisdom that I started to understand that what we eat plays a huge role in what we allow ourselves to feel and opens the door to a greater connection with our soul.

      1. Barr None! as we All feel and have closed the door and turned a blind eye to those first times, which there are many, as we overrode those feelings to fit into the crowd. As a simple example among many who can honestly say they like their first taste of beer or scotch?

  33. Very often we react and reject the very medicine that is the perfect remedy for us. This is a symptom of the disorder within so many of us where we seek comfort of the spirit instead of the magnificent glory of our soul.

  34. Recently I have become aware of strict I can be in my diet, and actually at times leaving myself so hungry that when I actually did eat, I couldn’t eat fast enough. Not very loving at all! With this insight, I have relaxed around food, and am giving myself foods that I still wanted but denied myself. As a result I am being more honest with myself and where I am at, and that feels great, and the new level of honesty has ripple effects in other areas of my life too. A win, win!

  35. ‘She supported me to see that to truly heal from the sweet food I crave at times, is about me appreciating the sweetness and beauty all around me, and inside of me, and the more I appreciate that, my need for sweet food will naturally drop away’. Thankyou for sharing Gyl, very timely, as I too still crave sweet.

  36. “Over the years my body has shared many things I knew and know I shouldn’t be doing.” And for so many years the signs and signals from my body fell on deaf ears. It is an extremely empowering moment when we start to pay attention and respond to the messages from the intelligence that resides within our bodies, there is no greater source of wisdom in this world.

  37. For many of us treating our body like a machine might even be progress – machines tend to get the right fuel and maintenance but would that be true for many bodies?

    1. ha ha that is very true or should that be boo hoo that is very true or on third thoughts really it is about taking care of and being loving and honouring with body, machines, each other – everything!

  38. We can continue to ignore the results of being bombarded with images of what we need to be like as women and men, and we don’t need to have an eating disorder to say we are affected, however this is one of the extreme cases. For me it has been about calling out what I have always known to be true but was following along with as everyone else is doing it syndrome. Our lives, our choices our future in our hands.

  39. These days if I ever feel ill, which is quite rare now, I will always look to what I have eaten first that may not have agreed with my body. And then I look to simple remedies to support my self, such as drinking lots of water and/or taking a nap, both of which support my body’s immune system to work its magic. A very different approach to the days of ignoring what I consumed and blaming my ill health on a bug, virus or some other external misnomer.

  40. Accepting that it is OK to feel whatever one is feeling, to then to understand and deal with the cause of the feeling is like solving a puzzle which is empowering.

      1. And it is when we get to the root cause that true healing can occur, which is resolution and not a solution.

    1. True and in accepting what we feel we stop the process of reacting to it and resorting to a previous behavior and action to numb, bury or escape from the feeling, meaning we will only have it arise again in the future without any understanding of it.

  41. It feels like we all have a degree of eating disorder. How many people eat to be light, feel light and see clearly what is happening when we are eating? When this becomes our intention, the nurturing of ourselves will change to something quite different.

    1. It may be impossible to live with perfection and this imperfection in life is then quite likely to show itself in our choice of food, amount or timing or any of the other influences on and components of food.

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