by Alexis Stewart, care worker with the intellectually disabled and yoga teacher, Sydney, Australia.
When I was a girl I used to go to friends’ houses for tea (‘tea’ being a word in England that refers to an early dinner. My favourite tea was macaroni cheese and chips). Going to other people’s houses was always a bit odd, because other people’s families never did things quite the same as my family did; for example some Mums used to tell their kids to wash their hands before eating, which is something my family never did. So when issued with the command to wash my hands by someone else’s Mum, I would dutifully file into the bathroom with the other kids and copy the way that they waved their hands in the general direction of the taps. There was one thing however that most Mums seemed to have in common and that was the nagging suspicion that the kids had not actually washed their hands! Funny that!
Another thing that my inquisitive young mind noticed, was that some people had stacks of books in their toilet. Now this seemed very odd to me; why, when there were so many fantastic places to read a book, would anyone choose to read in the toilet? So I asked my Mum the question, but one of the problems with adults is that, when asked a question, they often don’t give the whole answer and so kids are left with more questions than they started with. Having spoken to my Mum, I now understood that some people like to read whilst doing a poo, however this additional information just left me more perplexed than ever; I mean, why on earth would someone choose to sit and read in such a smelly place? You see, my experience of doing a poo was that it was a very short enforced break in my endless day of play, therefore I was left with no choice but to add the fact that some adults liked to read in the toilet, to my growing list of the weird and not so wonderful things that adults liked to do. Already on my list was the fact that when offered a massive range of flavoured crisps, my Dad would always choose ready salted! To my young mind, this was simply unfathomable!
It was only really recently, that I actually understood the whole reading in the toilet thing. For the first time in my life I became regularly constipated and whilst sitting there one day, I realised that the people who had stacks of reading material in their toilets were probably suffering from constipation. Funny isn’t it, how we often piece something together years after the event.
For those who have never been constipated, it’s actually no fun at all, days of not going to the toilet, followed by an almost dread of going when you finally do. This had been going on for months and so I decided to seek help from a naturopath. My naturopath put me on a regime of Slippery Elm Powder and Flaxseed Oil and because the naturopath was also a Sacred Esoteric Healing Practitioner, she asked me to look at what, in my life, I was ‘holding onto’. This, for me, needed no thought at all, I was very aware of the things that I was holding onto, as they’ve plagued me for almost my entire life, or is it more accurate to say that I’ve chosen them for almost my entire life?
Sitting at the top of the list, the Grand Daddy of them all, is that I have been hugely invested in wanting things to be done a certain way. And when I say ‘a certain way’, I of course mean, ‘my way’. In the past, I have felt an incredible amount of angst when people have either done things that I thought they shouldn’t have done, or not done things that I thought they should have done or failing that, simply done things in a different way to how I’ve wanted them to be done. What’s even worse is that on countless occasions I’ve gone into a massive reaction purely at the thought of what I anticipate might happen. But perhaps the ugliest part about this whole affair is that I have come to realise that my ideas about how other people should do things are based on nothing other than notions, ideals, beliefs and imaginings and yet, I have carried them around like gospel, never doubting that my way was right.
I have had what has felt like an inbuilt radar system, that has permanently swept my environment, constantly looking for discrepancies between what is happening and what I think should be happening. When a discrepancy is detected between my rigid set of made up rules and the natural ebb and flow of life, then it triggers a set of uncomfortable responses in my body. These responses include, a horrible jangling feeling in my chest, hardening throughout my upper body, tightening through my skull, a dark face, an inability to focus on anything else, frustration, impatience, intolerance, annoyance and anger. These uncomfortable responses are often accompanied by repetitive thoughts about the subject that go around and around, never offering me a way out but simply repeating themselves ad infinitum.
A rather repugnant spin-off of wanting others to behave in a particular way is that I have, on many an occasion attempted to push, persuade, hoodwink, convince, steer, manoeuvre, cajole and at times bully people into doing certain things, simply so that I could be spared the acute discomfort that I knew I would feel if they didn’t do what I wanted them to do. At times, I even made it look like I was suggesting something that would benefit them, whilst all along I was angling it for my own gain.
One of the many beautiful functions of our very wise bodies, is to impartially reflect back to us what we have set in motion. My body continually went hay wire when presented with certain external situations, thereby providing me with all the evidence that I needed to highlight the fact that something inside of me had gone awry. My irrational and painful responses were being triggered not by the acts of others, but by the fact that I was holding on to very set ideas about how things should be done; had I not had such set ideas, then I would not have reacted in the way that I did. This then leads me to conclude that once we have excavated all of our buried rubbish from within us, there will be very few, if any disturbances happening outside of us.
So my many, many moments of agitation on the outside were golden opportunities to have a look at what was festering on the inside, but for thirty odd years I chose not to look, instead I clung blindly to the belief that my way was the right way. Eventually my repeated choice to hold onto my beliefs about how others should behave led to my constipation and potentially to other ailments that have yet to surface. Basically, the discomfort that I was now being presented with was to such an extent that I was compelled to look more honestly at the choices I was making. Subsequently, I chose to start to let go and by doing so, discovered that acceptance and surrender are the antidotes to holding on. On a very physical level, I have been consciously relaxing my abdomen when I feel it tighten, knowing that the belly area is deeply connected with acceptance. That, in conjunction with keeping my awareness very open and loosening my grip, when I start to tighten around something being a certain way, has helped my body to let go.
Have I let go completely? No, but my body is showing me that I have let go a lot, because it too has let go and going to the toilet has gone back to being a brief pause in-between my playtimes.
Read more:
- Constipation – it’s not sexy but we do need to let go!
- Your body and disease – what does it all mean?
Related tags – Combining esoteric medicine and conventional medicine
Medicine and Serge Benhayon 
With statics saying around 6.5 million people in the UK have some form of bowel problem; that’s a lot of holding on going on, we could be holding on to literally anything to have an physical impact – our nationality is one example – keep holding on to the fact that you think England is the best and we can do it alone, and it was better 50 years ago – no wonder this will impact our bowel.
It would be a very interesting exercise to find out the most common conditions of people within a certain culture and then compare them with the most common conditions in other cultures. It would be a great way to show the effects of ideals and beliefs pertaining to that culture and what they do to our physical form!
I love how body is so forgiving that it delightfully responds and indicates that we are on the right track when we start making choices to bring more love into our way of being.
Letting go of control and ideals and beliefs is reflected in our body when a natural flow is restored.
Yes the simplicity is bought back not only in our movements, in more ways than one!
Great subject to bring up, because it is something that many people don’t talk about or understand the reason why they are suffering from constipation, it’s a build up of waste that the body has difficulty letting go of, which in reflection are things we have stored up and not let go of, from emotions, holding grudges to having to do things a certain way, it all builds up in the body, and eventually we get constipation as the body lovingly gives us a clue that we need to let go of all these things.
“acceptance and surrender are the antidotes to holding on” oh yes they so are, acceptance of self, acceptance of others and acceptance of what ever situation we find ourselves in is a huge healing and big step towards evolution.
Ideals, imaginings and beliefs avoid any kind of presence in the body as they are busy with the past or the future.
We should never accept a condition like constipation as normal. It is a big sign from our body that ask us to listen to it. What and when do I eat, how much do I drink and what do I avoid letting go of?
Simple calling out of the body that things are not a flow!
Our set ideas can feel like a self made prison and you know, we are the only ones who have the key and can step outside it by observing our own behaviour and let go what is ready to go. I love how I get all kind of insights about my reactions the moment I choose to observe myself.
When we let go of the ideals and beliefs we cling so desperately to in order to feel some sort of sense of control in life, we realise life becomes not only easier and simpler, it is also becomes extremely joyful and much less exhausting. It is not so much the letting go that is difficult, as the body is constantly working towards returning to its natural state of balance and will do everything to assist this process, but more so what we find difficult is the decision to let go, that will enable the process to begin. This is yet another example of ‘mind versus body’ and the tension that arises when we do not allow what our mind thinks to be in harmony with what the body feels.
Probably anyone who has ever experienced constipation can relate to the relief when your bowels start to work again like they are meant to work. I also realized after having cracks in my anus, that made going to the toilet very very painful, what a joyful and magical process this letting go actually is. The rubbish that doesn’t support our body it just lets go of. I can do the same with things in my life that don’t support me: simply let go of them.
First of all congratulations on bringing up the subject of constipation as so many people experience it but dare not disclose that fact. It makes absolute sense that when we do not let go of things that this affects our body and our ability to defecate. The body is so simple – if we do this then that happens. In this way our body is such a supportive friend.
We get so locked in on our perceived perceptions of how things should be, and of course we react when they’re not so, and reading that I realise how vital acceptance and surrender are, and the ability to observe ourselves in how we are is a huge support for this.
This was awesome for me to read in asking myself what do I not want to accept as I haven’t wanted to feel something in my tummy for a while now ‘acceptance and surrender are the antidotes to holding on. On a very physical level, I have been consciously relaxing my abdomen when I feel it tighten, knowing that the belly area is deeply connected with acceptance’.
Rhythm is a part of everything in nature… We need to have that rhythm too… in everything 🙂
And actually being aware and conscious of the very individual rhythm everyone has. The more we honour that with presence, the more our body will be able to communicate and let go of things that don´t belong to it.
The rhythm of the Universe is like a constant metronome, humming away in the background and then there’s us, who are a natural part of the Universe thrashing around on the surface with our behaviours and our emotions. We need to simply allow ourselves to surrender back into the rhythm of the Universe, a rhythm that naturally pulses through our bodies constantly. If we could only just let go then we would fall back Home in an instant.
Thanks Alexis, I appreciated your sharing about the acceptance and surrender, and how tension in the digestive system could be us clenching it like a tight fist instead of accepting what’s there to be accepted as it is and then letting go.
I can so relate to the internal chaos that happens when we react to things. For years I wasn’t even aware that all this was going on in my body, and would wonder why I felt so stressed or anxious. Since learning to actually feel how my body is throughout the day, I started to see how the choices I was making directly affected what was going on in my body – and to be aware that I had a choice about it. What happens in my body isn’t just something inflicted on me by the world, and isn’t something permanent that I have to put up with forever. What’s also amazing about the body is how quickly it responds once we start to truly take notice of what it’s telling us, and take deep care of it.
‘..acceptance and surrender are the antidotes to holding on’ Constipation is more or less ‘normal’ nowadays but if I look around me who is truly in acceptance and in surrender to what life presents us with? ‘Holding on’ is what I learned too and it feels good to let go of my behaviours, beliefs and ideals that prevent me from accepting myself and life as it is and surrender to what is asked of me.
Yes indeed, it never ever pays to hold on, no matter where or what it is… It’s just not natural to the body.
The whole of life is in a constant state of movement and so attempting to place a restriction on it, which is, of course what ‘holding on’ is, is going against the natural order of things. And it is by going against the natural order of things that we run into trouble and conversely it’s when we loosen our grip on life and allow ourselves to be taken by the current that life becomes effortlessly joyous.
i love that.. ‘effortlessly joyous’ – it’s incredible how much effort we put into making life complicated and not at all joyous, simply by holding onto what we most need to let go of.
And the harm long term on the body and the quality we live brings with it health issues that take some time to heal.
Too true cjames2012 letting go is everything
Funny that – I was supported by a practitioner today who simply said to me ‘ it is OK to let go of the past’ – and in this – it made me reflect on the recent constipation I have been going through and how I do have these ideals of how things will be based on how they have been – so in that is an opportunity to look at why I hold onto things as it is actually wrecking my body to do so.
My body has been showing me how I have been holding onto control, not of others but of areas in my own life that have stemmed from past experiences which I have chosen to hang on to and live from. As I let them go I realise just how limiting they have been and have been barrier to the natural abundance and flow that is there.
There have been odd occasions in my life when I have become constipated when travelling and I hate it because it makes me feel nauseous and sick to the stomach as if the body is desperate to expel this substance from the body. In those moments the nausea is far worse than being constipated, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to have to go through that just for a bowel movement.
Julie your reply reminded me of when I was in my teens and I was so unbelievably disconnected from how my body felt that I often didn’t notice that I hadn’t gone to the toilet for such a long time that I eventually ended up doubled over in agonising pain. It was so bad on one occasion that I ended up in accident and emergency.
Considering how common constipation is, perhaps it is just reflecting the fact that as a race of being we human are not quite moving with the flow of what is being offered to us as we go round in cycles, but instead holding onto our familiar comfort, even when they are actually not that comfortable.
I was going to say ‘our dogged determination to hold onto ways of being that no longer suit or serve us is laughable’ but it’s not, it’s killing us.
Yes Fumiyo, we don’t even want to be aware of the fact how we are living in comfort instead fixing our problems as best as we can in order to continue to live in this bubble of not looking at our own irresponsible way of living.
Accepting and surrendering to life’s difficult challenges does not mean that we put up with abuse and bullying but certainly let go of trying to control other people and situations whom we have no control over.
What I am realising more and more is that for me, surrendering to life’s ‘difficult challenges’ as understood by most people is relatively easy compared to surrendering to the small and seemingly inconsequential components of my life. For example I have always tried to control things that I consider to be in ‘excess’, at work for example if someone brought too many groceries then this would make me feel anxious and I would be overly concerned about it, making sure that they all got used. Another example is getting my son to do his homework, I would feel anxious and think about it way too much and with both of these examples and the many more that I have, I would try and steer and control the outcome, which to my detriment equalled a lot more time sitting on the toilet! It really is true, we have to let go to let go!
‘So my many, many moments of agitation on the outside were golden opportunities to have a look at what was festering on the inside’ I am learning this in a big way as I find myself reacting to the way things are being done by others and constantly feeling critical of them rather than looking within and checking what my expectations are based on. Surrender is a big word that is coming up for me a lot. We can’t control others, so we don’t need to try, but instead we can choose to reflect upon what it is about ourselves that they are so graciously reflecting back to us.
What I have found is that the moment I make something about another person, I’ve squandered an opportunity to look more closely at my own stuff. And although by making it about another person’s short comings, I momentarily avoid looking at my own, it means that my stuff remains undealt with and therefore continues to remain stagnant in my body and hamper everything that I do.
I recognize what you share here, Alexis. A missed opportunity every time I focus on the short comings and reactions of another instead of getting awareness on my issues and dealing with my own stuff.
Thank you Carmel and Alexis, I often feel that what these situations all boil down to is an avoidance to look at the quality of energy I am in and therefore take energetic responsibility. Whether it’s how things are being done or what others are or are not doing the focus is off me and my connection and responsibilities.
Being in the flow of life is all about the quality of energy we are in.
If we were to all simply keep focusing and re-focusing on improving the energetic quality of our lives then this alone would tackle all ailments, illness and diseases everywhere. That’s not to say that we wouldn’t need conventional medicine, we would but simply to say that it would support us all regardless of the level and type of illness that we had.
Constipation is a plague of accepted proportions. It is so common that we now see it as normal and use medication to assist us to go. On one occasion I did get horribly constipated. It showed me very clearly that to avoid this situation I need to drink more water and not neglect my body.
We can hold on and hold on and hold on until eventually the body says that is enough… Letting go, is definitely the way to go.
A great reminder to look at what I am holding onto in life as although not constipated am very aware of the flow of my digestive system and what may be affecting it.
Thank you Alexis, a very playful and inspiring read, I was very interested in how we manipulate things to suit ourselves, rather than just allowing things to unfold naturally, which has made me ponder on the elements of control I may still hold and have to let go of.
It is beautiful to read an article where one is so open and honest with their choices in life and the physical consequences of these choices. An article to be read and considered, not just in relation to constipation, but in relation to every dis-ease that the body shows us.
Every dis-ease presents us with an opportunity to deepen our relationship with ourselves and therefore to deepen our relationship with life.
Love your writing, sense of humour and your honesty … please write more!
We build up an idea of how we think something is and keep regurgitating it around and around in our heads and making it super complicated, when all we have to do is regularly check with our bodies, nominate when love is not chosen and make the next movement with love.
Regularly checking in with our bodies is absolutely fabulous when most of us are so utterly disconnected from them but what if we could live in permanent connection to our bodies? If that were possible and I reckon it is, then we would have a permanent counsel (I was going to say ‘at our fingertips’) but it would be a permanent counsel from the whole of our bodies.
‘Eventually my repeated choice to hold onto my beliefs about how others should behave led to my constipation and potentially to other ailments that have yet to surface.’ Whenever the word ‘should’ crops up there is bound to be a message for us. Great to bring awareness to this and the beginning of a healthy change.
This is a very insightful article. Recently I’ve been experiencing constipation, and I have to say it’s the first time in my 36 years that it’s been such a regular thing. I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve been holding on to and interestingly, whilst I can identify some of it, there’s a stubbornness of not wanting to let it go, still feeling this sense of being ‘right’. I’m working on it though, and allowing myself the space to keep observing it and bringing some understanding to the fact that it’s a very ingrained belief system I’ve got going on, so in that I’m accepting it might take me some time to let go. At the same time, I’m aware I can let it go at any moment I choose.
Elodie what you say is also my experience. I have managed to let go of so many things but have realised that there is a big fat mother of all things that still has a grip on me and that is because I keep stamping my energetic foot and insisting that I AM RIGHT!
It is fascinating when we stop and observe that energy we go into for being sure we are right. That this is the only way and why would you do it any differently. Being humble and reflecting continually within instead of trying to make a point or saying someone is wrong has been one I am working with and have come to realise that this is so much more powerful than being right!
The power contained within the assumed and short lived victory of ‘being right’ has a horrible crushing quality to it, whereas the power that you describe Natalie, that comes from humble reflection seeks to support everyone and is truly inspiring.
Constipation – who knew there could be so much to be said about it? Yet the truth is that there is a lot to be said about it because our body is always communicating something to us that is worth paying attention to.
Thank you for sharing this rather humorous observation you had as a child. ” A rather repugnant spin-off of wanting others to behave in a particular way is that I have, on many an occasion attempted to push, persuade, hoodwink, convince, steer, manoeuvre, cajole and at times bully people into doing certain things,”
When reading this part I was wondering, how you as a young child would have seen this, and how peculiar adults would look to you wanting everything to be their own way and getting very annoyed if it’s not their way, so annoyed they won’t even go to the bathroom.
An interesting comment Alexis “when asked a question, they often don’t give the whole answer and so kids are left with more questions” This is true and even more so in these days, where parents just don’t seem to feel the space to give a full and honest answer and therefore actually often lie. It seems innocent but what does it say about the way we communicate with each other in this world if we cannot even communicate openly and in full with our own children?
I feel it’s true to say that we don’t communicate in a way that is open and full with anyone, which is how we are all able to perpetuate the lie of life that we are all collectively choosing to live.
Wanting things to be ‘my way’ puts the body into silent alert. You want to observe without the other realizing you are spotting every single bit of what are they exactly doing. And, if they happen to also want to do it ‘their’ way, we suffer from a disgust in the body. We may then choose to protest, to silently change what they have done, to do nothing in the knowing that ‘they have done it again’ (against ‘my will, which is the only really sensitive way to handle that particular issue), or to give up and do nothing. Whatever we choose from those, we get affected in the body. It is the body which has to support us in our quest against our own body while we are in fight mood against the other’s constantly annoying way of doing things which is simply not ‘right’.
Ah, our notion of what’s ‘right’ has a lot to answer for! and yet it’s an arbitrary notion that changes from person to person.
Why do we struggle with letting go? What are we so attached to that we would rather have the discomfort of constipation than let it go? These things are definitely worth pondering on.
Great question Elizabeth and one that I can only answer on behalf of myself. The reason why I have held on to things being a certain way for so long is because I have tried to avoid the acute discomfort that I knew i would feel if things were not done the way that I wanted them to be done, or if people did not behave in the way that I perceived they should behave. I knew from experience that I felt enormous levels of discomfort when things were done contra to my very narrow ways of operating.
“I chose to start to let go and by doing so, discovered that acceptance and surrender are the antidotes to holding on.” I too had the gift of constipation a few months ago when taking a new supplement and discovered a deep stubbornness which was revealed to me – so yes that constipation was indeed a gift – an opportunity to surrender deeper.
Not honouring the impulses of my body has been the cause, and I am still being confronted with this, of my constipation, overriding what I feel, not giving myself enough space to even go to the toilet. But in the end I feel it is due to holding back myself and wanting my body to be in a certain way, so not accepting me as I am and how life is designed to be.
It’s great when we visit each other in our homes and observe the different ways we all live for we can learn so much from each other.
Whenever I have the feeling I want the outside to be somehow, I ask myself what I am not giving myself. Where is my focus ?! I remind myself then that it is not about me- instead allowing space and respect for anothers pace of development. Actually quite arrogant to force or manipulate another to fullfil MY NEEDS.
Eventually, when our rates of ill health and disease skyrocket even further, we will come to collectively understand that it takes far more energy to resist love than to express it. With this awareness comes the necessary surrender that allows us to deepen in the expression of our love by way of accepting that things are as they are and are not as we may wish them to be.
Beautiful Liane, accepting the way things are brings a reality home that in wanting them to be different can be avoided. Only when we see the full reality will we be willing to understand the pain that resisting the love we are causes.
Collectively we hold on to so much … it is surprising really that bowel conditions are not an epidemic
Years ago there was an advert on the TV for constipation tablets, and a lady was pouring food into her handbag, and it was all getting pretty putrid while she was carrying this bag around with her. This image stayed with me because in effect this is what we are doing when we are constipated, and it feels uncomfortable not to be able to tip the bag upside down and empty all of its contents out at least once a day.
This was a timely read as I have recently experienced constipation and have been wondering what is going on with this and when I heard the word ‘acceptance’ I realised that there are things in my life that I haven’t been accepting, that I have been wanting things to be a certain way and have been dogged with this and therefore not in the flow of life.
When life is allowed to just be, then it flows beautifully but we build dams everywhere that add unnecessary pressure to life, impeding its natural flow.
True Alexis, we build dams by holding on living with an idea that life cannot only be in a flow so we create obstacles and do not accept that we are divine beings and that life can be amazing.
Annelies not only do we not accept that life can be amazing but we seem to have adopted the view that life is a struggle. Certainly in England, where I grew up, there was a very strong consciousness that espoused that life was hard and often disappointing and that it was almost better to not have anything good happen to you, because it was bound to not last. This is a belief that is widely accepted and passed on from generation to generation. There is not an ounce of truth in it.
Yes, I know that one too Alexis, when something good happens…cannot be long before something happens and knocks you down and out again. The perfect recipe for giving up on life and yourself.
Acceptance and surrender … the antidote to holding on, yes indeed and yet that second word in particular brings out all my ‘googley’ eyed control mechanisms and I sit here feeling deeply uncomfortable. Yes I’ve let go a lot, but reading here today I realised today there’s still a quest for my comfort and thus I feed behaviours in others which foster my own comfort – yuck for sure and great to get another understanding of this – more acceptance and surrender beckons (and there always is more).
“One of the many beautiful functions of our very wise bodies, is to impartially reflect back to us what we have set in motion.” so well said, so it makes sense that when we are not flowing with life or are holding on to matters that our bowel movements should reflect the same.
Acceptance and surrender are the antidotes to holding on, so true Alexis, and the more we try to do those things the more we cannot. Choosing to just focus on ourselves in any moment is a great start to picking up what we may be holding is not a part of love.