Medical Diagnosis and how the mind can take you on a scary roller coaster ride…

by RB, massage therapist, mother, artist, business owner, Goonellabah, NSW

I recently had my first hospital experience and since then I have been on a roller coast ride that I created myself in my mind.

I had severe swelling around my spinal cord that was causing nerve damage to my left leg, digestive system and urinary system, so that I could not walk or pee properly. I left the hospital with a wheelie walker and was taught how to use intermittent catheters each time my bladder was full.

When the doctors first told me I had transverse myelitis I researched all about it, and I got so into it, the fear of it all and the “what ifs”. Then I went to see a Neurologist 3 hours drive away, the next step in the process, and she was certain that I have what is known as Neuromyelitis optica (NMO). I then research this, join Facebook pages and really investigate it. I get so into it, that I become it. I am no longer me. I have suddenly allowed myself to be NMO. I am planning what will happen with my 10 year old daughter when I am in a wheel chair and who will take care of her when I die.

 I even start to wonder if I am making up the symptoms because I am reading about them!

That is just how tricky the mind can be, if you let it take over and take control. I was so sad and scared the other evening and then I had a moment of realization. I felt for a moment that I was a puppet being played and I was not actually in control. Ah, and I have always been a bit of a control freak. I guess that’s why I want to research and know everything about this disease – to be able to explain it and predict exactly what will happen next.

All this thinking was in fact a distraction from just feeling what my body was signalling to me. I feel it is asking me to slow down. It is showing me that the way I have been living, in constant push, always busy, always taking on more than necessary, is not okay.

My body has given me signals in the past, but living by the beliefs and ideals of being a “solo parent”, and a “good strong reliable worker” has made me override, and not listen to what my body is asking so clearly. Instead I have ignored my body and carried on working hard, sacrificing my health by just ‘doing’ more and more. The doing brought me recognition and money and I had made that more important than my health.

The extra stress, the energy wasted on the “what ifs”…. all of this was just a distraction from me being able to really rest and just allow myself to feel. I started to realise that all this thinking and doing was not actually helping me at all, and in fact it was harming. The level of exhaustion that over time I had just gotten used to, was what was causing my body to react in such a serious way and I could not continue to exhaust it in any way or entertain any form of crazy thinking.

Why is it that when we are not doing, we do not feel as though we are enough?

Why is it that we don’t feel that Being is enough?

Why do we listen to those voices that are telling us we are lazy, when we know so well that we are far from lazy, and that to stop and rest is just a natural loving thing to do for the body?

Why do we feel guilty to stop?

I have been considering all of these things lately.

And then comes the next learning.

I went back into hospital for some more tests and the doctor says I may not actually have NMO, it may be something completely different. This time, the risks from the proposed treatment are that if it goes wrong, I could end up as a paraplegic. My mind goes off on another roller coaster ride of “what ifs”. I want to run and research, but before I do that, I decide to just be still, to not keep doing what stresses me out and does not actually make me feel good.

So instead I sit down with one of my favourite books from Serge Benhayon, and I just read. I then sit quietly in the sunshine and have this “aha” moment.

Science as we know it does not have all the answers, and the answers we do have are forever changing. The doctors don’t have all the answers either. I can either accept this, embrace it and surrender or I can continue to want answers, to try to control, fix and go into my mind again.

This time I thought I would try something different. This time I decided not to go into fear, not to go into the story and drama of it all, but to just let my body be. To just let the doctors do their best, and for me to take responsibility for my part, which is to surrender, listen and allow. I may not have listened to my body in the past, I may have treated it with disrespect, but I can change that now. Its up to me. I can either make this next part of my life one that is full of drama and fear, or I can enjoy each moment, and really focus my energy on the real things in life – the people around me and the love that is there.

Two weeks later I felt a lot stronger. In letting go of the need to control, and making a choice to be in my body instead of lost in my mind over this time was really healing. My leg got stronger and I was able to walk better each and every day. I did have moments where I would go back into my mind, but I was committed to not getting caught up in it. So I treated myself like a cute child that had to be reminded that there was no need to go there, telling myself, “ just stay here with your body.”

After two weeks I had not heard from the doctors, so I decided to play my own part and follow this up.

The doctor at the hospital near where I lived said he would follow up on it and later called me in to see him. He showed me all the MRI scans and informed me that I didn’t have an autoimmune disease or an issue that required me to have an operation that had the risk of causing paraplegia. He said that what I had was something that I had had since birth. There is a ‘cavernous malformation’, which is a collection of abnormal blood vessels and this had bled spontaneously. He said some people go through life like that without knowing they have it and also that there is a chance that it may happen again but he thought there was nothing that I could do to prevent it. He said there was no need for me to see the Neurologist again, or to see him, and that I should just go back to living life as I was before.

I walked out feeling a sense of there is no way I can go back to living life as I was before. For me, it was a blessing that my body took the use of my legs away. It was the only way my body could get me to fully stop and re-evaluate how I was living. The rushing, the pushing, the constant drive was not allowing me to feel a thing and in that, I was not aware of the damage I was causing to not only to myself, but to my daughter and everyone around me.

I can see now how I put myself on a number of roller coaster rides that were unnecessary had I just stayed with my body and the present moment – a great learning.

This experience has been the beginning of a great healing for me.

848 thoughts on “Medical Diagnosis and how the mind can take you on a scary roller coaster ride…

  1. It is often the mind that gets us into a pickle and trouble, it thinks things that takes us to anywhere we choose to go to, from the surreal to the aggression.

    I can totally relate to being frightened and needing to control, it’s been placed in us from a very young age, our survival thing. Purposefully done to keep us far away from our bodies as possible, so as not to feel.

    When we truly connect to our bodies, only then can the communications channels open and that connection requires you to openly communicate and then we live from a different place that is more nurturing and loving and then the body can respond.

  2. ‘My body has given me signals in the past, but living by the beliefs and ideals of being a “solo parent”, and a “good strong reliable worker” has made me override, and not listen to what my body is asking so clearly.’ We have made life so much about function that we can be in complete denial of the fact that we are sensitive and fragile and need to take nurturing loving care of ourselves. With no investment in the quality in which we do things sadly our bodies have to scream at us, sometimes incredibly loudly, before we stop and pay heed to what that communication is telling us.

  3. I know from personal experience if you let your mind loose when there are body symptoms, pulling out all sorts of stories through searching the web, and all sorts of thoughts that tie you into a knot – and all along you get taken further and further from the stillness and connection that helps you feel, observe and learn from what the body is reflecting.

  4. “there is no way I can go back to living life as I was before.” When we realise that it is the way we have been living that is the cause of the problem we are offered the choice to make changes and live with love and responsibility to care for our whole body.

  5. Our mind can come up with all kinds of things to distract us, but the body has the final say and eventually even it may not be in this life time, we will be made to stop and listen.

    1. Fumiyo, what you have stated is so true. The ‘body has the final say’. Look, listen and feel and it will respond and it will not let you down, your best friend forever.

  6. We often take the stance that the body doesn’t know what it’s doing and that we have to fix it or get it back on track but in fact, it does know what needs to be done in order to discard the abuse we have inflicted onto it.

  7. I know all too well the roller coasters of fear, worry and blame to mention a few. There is such a great healing that occurs when I sit, be still and listen to my body for the answers.

  8. Science likes to portray itself as having the answers and that it is daily coming up with new advancements in the way of answers, but if you observe this, it is evident that
    1) such new answers may often not be an answer at all and
    2) science conveniently ignores the fact that the slightly less new answer that the new answer replaces which was hailed as being correct and an advancement is revealed as having not been correct nor an advancement. This is swept under the carpet.

  9. It’s great how you say the medical diagnosis and treatment was just the beginning for you, because often that is seen as the end, whereas what if we took what had happened and used it to start afresh and find a new way forwards instead of just going back to our old ways?

  10. I can easily relate to ‘how the mind can take you on a scary roller coaster ride’, and at several stages in my life I seemed to spend more time on the ride than off it. To have finally figured out that the mind is the ultimate trickster that cares little for the body has made so much sense of my life, and these days, listening to my wisest friend, my body, makes even more sense.

  11. It can be difficult to surrender from the mind, afterall we use our mind to make our decisions, we’ve made it the fundamental tool of life and to let go of that and try something else which we are not so sure works, can be daunting – the mind always comes up with ideas, solutions & innovations. Whereas the body is there in its simple truth.

    1. ‘ the mind always comes up with ideas, solutions & innovations. Whereas the body is there in its simple truth.’ And as RB did, we can always come back to that simple truth, which can be achieved with honesty, love and appreciation for that simplicity we always have access to.

Leave a Reply to Leigh Matson Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s