Letting go (of my stubbornness) and Learning to Love my Colon.

by Susan Lee, UK. 

I recently became aware of how stubborn I can be – I have always known it, but this time I felt it at a deeper level. A week or so after this awareness I became constipated.

A few days later I noticed some blood along with my faeces – twice this occurred before I took action.  As I am writing this I can see how deep-rooted this stubbornness is and how it has become part of my day-to-day living. I will not listen to my body giving me signs that everything is not OK until the last minute.

My first appointment with my local General Practitioner was great – he gave me an internal examination and the time spent with him felt as though he was a deeply caring man. He found nothing conclusive and referred me to my local hospital.

My next appointment was quite a different experience and, in retrospect, I realized I had not been taking the events seriously. I can now see, in hindsight, that I did not wish to even contemplate that I may have colon cancer, as this would mean that I would need to start taking responsibility for how I have lived my life. For many years now it has made sense to me that illness didn’t just happen to me, and that the way I responded to stress somehow harmed my body.  

On meeting the surgeon I felt uncomfortable and unable to connect and open up to him. His manner was polite and brief, but he was not communicative and seemed unwilling to make eye contact. It felt difficult to relax and ask questions. The nurse took me into a side room and told me to ‘pop down my pants and trousers.’ When I went to take off my boots she suggested that I leave them on. I complied with her instructions although everything in my body was telling me differently. I felt very demeaned by the whole experience – as though I was not worthy of the time to prepare myself in a way that would have supported me to feel comfortable and safe in what felt like an invasive procedure. (This felt a bit like having sex in the back of a car – uncomfortable and rushed).

I came away with a clear understanding of how easily I complied with other people’s suggestions and did not say what felt comfortable for me and what did not. I allowed them to set the ground rules of what was to be the examination of my colon. This situation allowed me to see that this is how I have lived my life – allowing others to set the ground rules, so that I could then hold on to resentment that I have not been treated properly.

This visit led to another internal examination and a scope was inserted into the lower part of my colon.

A couple of weeks later I was called back to have a full colonoscopy and my heart sank when I saw that the letter had come from the same surgeon. In the meantime I spoke to a couple of friends who had undergone a colonoscopy and this helped me to gain some insight and practical information concerning the procedure. I realised that if I was to meet the same surgeon it was my responsibility to change this meeting into a different, more pleasant and loving experience. Maybe this was an opportunity to shift some of my stubbornness?  Also, not to hold onto the resentment of the previous meeting.

I allowed myself to be driven to the hospital by a friend (having initially brushed aside her offer because ‘I didn’t want to be too much trouble’). As I am writing this blog I am starting to see how I allow stubbornness to come between me and making life simple and feeling the beauty of allowing others to support me. It was so lovely to have her support, and it allowed me to approach the procedure in quite a different way. I felt more open to what was about to happen. I approached the meeting in a way that felt as though I was embracing the examination rather than seeing it as something I needed to endure. (Another old pattern showing me the way I approach life.)

On arrival I was greeted and felt welcome and much more at ease than on my previous visit to the hospital. The nurse who explained what was to happen was open and lovely. In the past I have always shrunken away from anything too ‘bloody and messy’ and was amazed to find myself engaging with the nurse and the wonderful charts that were up on the wall. I did this because I thought:  ‘after all, it is my body that is about to be invaded.’  Having a scope inserted into your anus is one of the most invasive procedures that I could have imagined, but here was I asking to be shown the exact journey of the scope.

The nurse was most reassuring that the team were there to support me and make everything as comfortable as possible. She also added that the doctor was lovely – and he was. This time it was a different person. However, I feel that because I was starting to let go of my stubbornness and realising that I may have misjudged the first surgeon – that maybe he was not being uncommunicative but that I was not allowing people into my life – this experience was going to be quite different. I was now more open to allowing things to take their natural course. It felt more lovely than I would have realised to at last be seeing that I could be wrong and to not be a victim of circumstances.

I decided that as I wished to watch the examination on the screen and be able to remember the details afterwards that I would choose to have gas and air rather than sedation. It was reassuring that if I was uncomfortable they could stop at any time and that I would still be able to have sedation. I explained to the doctor that I wished to watch everything and they adjusted the screen and table.

Was this really me asking for support? It felt a little surreal. I had a ‘good view’ and while I was watching the screen they slipped the scope inside quite effortlessly and from then on I was totally absorbed and fascinated that as I lay on the table I was seeing inside my body. I could vaguely feel the scope but what I was seeing was my beauty-full colon. It was wonderful to see the formation and how it functioned, the colour and the texture – and how healthy it looked.

It was quite unlike any other experience I have ever had – it took my breath away. It truly gave me a whole new insight into my body and how it works, and I now feel I have a far more intimate relationship with my colon and with what I put into it – to more deeply honour and respect it. I am so grateful that I was given this opportunity and I have learned so much more about myself through the entire process.

Some weeks have passed and I was starting to realise, after having sessions with an esoteric practitioner, that constipation is something that I have been avoiding dealing with since the age of twelve. It is only now, at the age of sixty-seven, that I am willing to start looking at my behaviour and patterns that I have held onto for the last fifty-five years.

In the past I have considered constipation as an annoying occurrence and totally ignored my body telling me that there is something in my life that is not quite right – that my body does not enjoy having all this waste product lingering around and polluting it. Would I leave rotting rubbish hanging around in my home? No way. Yet, I stubbornly hung on to my way of dealing with the problem, which never solved it. It just meant I did not have to admit that everything was not OK – I could go on pretending to the world that I was this healthy woman!

I am starting to see that my stubbornness is about me holding on to the way ‘I have always done things’ and how I think life should be and that this arrogance does not serve or support me being who I truly am. This feels to be much the same as my colon holding on to all the rubbish from my body rather than letting it go and allowing my body to flow – when I am stubborn I can feel my whole body contract.  Apparently, there are two sphincter muscles in the rectum that deal with clearing the faeces from the body, the internal sphincter that is controlled by the autonomic response (over which we have no control) and the external sphincter, which is under the control of our will.  It is no wonder I am constipated when I stubbornly hold on to ‘my way’ of living life.

I am now beginning to realize that the way I have lived life is not that of a healthy woman but a woman who has struggled through life stubbornly not listening to others in case I may have to look at my part in what goes wrong and take responsibility.

At last I feel I am beginning to grow up and stop running away from life and embrace it. None of this would have been possible without the love and support I have felt from Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all those wonderful practitioners.

When I reach outside of myself I find there is so much support – from my lovely GP, to the doctor in the colonoscopy unit and his team and finally to the support and encouragement I have received in writing this blog.

I do feel blessed.




665 thoughts on “Letting go (of my stubbornness) and Learning to Love my Colon.

  1. We worship and consecrate knowledge and doing things as we’ve always done – but in doing so trap ourselves in holding patterns. Look at a kid, exploring, experimenting, questioning and asking why and you will see the natural way we are designed to be. Thank you Susan Lee.

  2. I’m someone that can be very stubborn, I would always think I am right and fight almost everything. However I suffered from major IBS and as well as changing my diet found that through embracing being open, being willing to let go and see life as a constant evolution and learning my IBS healed.

    1. It certainly awesome how the body responds when we begin to listen…..and learn. It feels like the most beautiful conversation…….without any words required.

  3. So loved this sharing, it’s very close to home for me. I can be so stubborn and so blind to where I am stubborn. I could feel my whole body clock something when I read about allowing support. Thank you, much for me to ponder on.

    1. kimweston2 reading the blog and then the comments that everyone has written I get the sense that we all want to hang onto our sense of being individual, because being individual gives us our sense of life. We have all been totally sucked into this lie and we all stubbornly hang on to it, thinking we have some sort of control over our destiny.

  4. Susan I love the way you took responsibility for building the relationship with the Dr and the nurses, too often we blame others or judge another before we have taken the time to be more understanding and let others in. What you share is deeply inspiring and supportive for anyone dealing with a medical condition such as yours, to not only deal with the symptoms but to be open to the energetic underlying cause – this is key to true healing of the body.

  5. For so many people, life is a struggle, something that is just got through, with moments of extreme and intense relief, usually in the form of some sort of medication. Just imagine if people understood that this actually wasn’t necessary, that there is a whole different way of living, how the world will change.

    1. Experiencing and realising one’s past struggle allows us to understand humanity and how this need is fed when we struggle alone without support and a connection to our innermost.

  6. Thank you for sharing your experience here and how you have turned a corner in starting to truly let go. It is a joy to read and I really get the sense of you deepening the relationship with yourself and your body.

  7. This is brilliant. I so love how you were willing to look at your choices and take every opportunity to reimprint them with love. I am now understanding stubbornness as the lack of this willingness to learn and move on to flow with what is true but instead keep repeating the same pattern again and again.

  8. Sue thank you for your honest blog, I picked up on having time to prepare yourself, I know from my own experience that anytime you have to get onto the examination couch, they say don’t worry about your shoes, and I always take them off because it feels so wrong for me to keep them on, it may take me a couple of minutes longer to get dressed, however I am sure the examination is quicker because I’m not on edge feeling uncomfortable.

  9. Your blog Susan brings an understanding to a very common problem. When we realise/understand that our physical issues are there because of us and our thoughts/stubbornness, it is a huge release because you realise you were always the key to unlock all the answers to the body, and you have 24/7 access to you.

    1. The relationship that we can have with our body like all relationships is one that can deepen and flourish as we become more willing to let go of our self driven ways and allow a sense of purpose to enter our lives.

    2. It is also very empowering once we realise that we are the key to our problems as it releases us from blaming others – and our genes.

  10. By letting go of what we so desperately cling to in life to help us feel more secure, we open up to a deeper level of love that is accessible for us to embrace and express. This is the everyday alchemy we can all perform – transmuting the denseness back into the light.

  11. Gosh I loved reading this, I was hanging off every word. Thank you Susan, I will take much from your sharing.

    1. Thank you Sarah for your lovely comment – it inspired me to re-read what I had written and begin to further unfold my use of stubbornness to hold back on taking my relationship with my body to a deeper level, whilst also appreciating the changes I constantly make to support my body and gain a more expansive understanding of the subtleties of how it speaks to me and the magic that is offered.

      1. Susan that’s the same feeling I had, the fact that we hold on, hold back and it’s that which really starts hurting our bodies, I had big issues with my colon and it was only when I address the quality I approached life that things started to change.. that was over a decade ago and my life is so very different today but if I hold on to things my body still speaks loud and clear.

      2. Yes, it does feel very much like a process and that our body is always offering us moments to define and redefine. The impulse to change becomes more subtle and tender, deepening our sense of inner wisdom.

  12. “I feel that because I was starting to let go of my stubbornness and realising that I may have misjudged the first surgeon – that maybe he was not being uncommunicative but that I was not allowing people into my life” Great awareness Susan. The moment we clock ourselves judging another is the moment we need to reflect on our own choices and patterns of behaviour. It’s never about them but always something within ourselves we are not wanting to see.

    1. Yes, Lucy and the more that we are able to accept this – that it’s our judgement that is the problem – the greater the understanding of both ourselves and others. Life feels so much lighter when we don’t play the ‘blame game’.

  13. If we are stubborn in life if makes sense that we want to control life and have it a certain way, but in many ways this goes against the natural flow of accepting, digesting and letting go of life.

  14. I can feel your humility in allowing yourself to truly see and let go your stubbornness and I recognised a lot in how stubbornness or wanting things to be my way is a theme or pattern in my own life too. And how it doesn’t serve and is part of a useful set up where we don’t need to address our part but can stay in this pattern of being the ‘victim’ of life rather than just engaging with it and allowing ourselves to see and feel all around what supports and what does not. It’s amazing to also know that in fact no matter where we are in life we can address our patterns no matter how old they are, once we’re willing to look.

    1. When we make ourselves the victim we begin a surreal life of complication and disempowerment. As we begin to unravel these old patterns we begin to feel lighter and truly alive.

  15. We like to think that we seize all of life, that we’re saying yes to having Love and a lot lot more. It’s just God who is mean and holding it back. This in my experience, is the direct opposite of the truth. We might not like to confront it but the fact is we consistently pull in the opposite direction to what’s helpful and supportive to do. We’ll eagerly line up to play a computer game but how many will willingly wash and clean ourselves tenderly? Your words Susan expose our stubborn spirit at the root of all this. At least if we stop pretending it doesn’t exist, we can start to make sound choices to allow for it.

  16. It is interesting that when we are closed off to others and stubbornly want things to go the way of our pictures that we hold of life, we close ourselves off to all manner of possibilities in life – support being one of them.

    1. Very lovely Julie to read your words and to truly feel the wisdom of them. As I deal with deeper levels of stubbornness it will be great support to allow more space in my understanding of what is required when my body calls for a greater level of awareness, grace and love.

  17. The relationship between our ability to assimilate and let go things in life and the colon is a pretty important one to understand thank you. There is a whole lot more to health and wellbeing than taking care of our physical needs as you so beautifully illustrate.

  18. ‘This situation allowed me to see that this is how I have lived my life – allowing others to set the ground rules, so that I could then hold on to resentment that I have not been treated properly.’
    It’s so utterly fabulous when we have moments of clarity like these: seeing the often very creative double-binds we set up for ourselves that make us think we’re in control… Until we realise these situations or dynamics are the very things controlling us…

  19. Holding on to our patterns – it makes sense this results in constipation. Letting go of that which no longer serves us makes sense too – going with the flow in every aspect.

      1. It feels amazing to realise that we have set ourselves up for this uphill struggle by fighting our innate wisdom – what sense is there in going against the flow when flowing with life feels so much more natural to our way of being?

  20. When we stubbornly hold onto the status quo nothing can change for without letting go of what we no longer need there is no space for anything new to grow.

    1. Building a relationship with my stubbornness has allowed me a greater and deeper understanding of myself and the way I have for so long functioned. By gently letting go I am allowing another level of wisdom to inform me and guide me on my path of return which as you say allows for more room for observation, expansion – and space.

  21. It is extraordinary the difference that can be made by moving from having a victim of circumstances mentality to one where you are empowered by knowing the impact of your choices and embrace the support you can offer yourself and allow in to your life

  22. What a beautiful sharing Susan – thank you. And I loved all the details including the description of you watching the process on the screen and your developing connection with your colon. We walk around in our bodies so disconnected from them, what a beautiful stop to reconnect you.

  23. Thank you Doug this is so true. ‘We are the architects of our interactions with people’ The potential for love filled relationships is ginormous ……..it is absolutely and completely up to us.

  24. A very beautiful blog thank you Susan. Letting go, of stubbornness or what ever we are holding on to, is such a powerful message; I love the way you made loving choices to let go and this reflected to us that there is another way.

    1. Letting go for me is very much an ongoing process as when I let go of one layer of stubbornness there is another layer to look, and then to deepen and gain more understanding of the reason that I have hung onto stubbornness for so many life times – it does feel very ancient.

  25. This is a great sharing Susan! In the past I have experienced a similar situation as yourself but I am not sure that I have learnt as much as yourself. Clearly there is more for me to learn about myself. I am inspired by your words and actions you have taken.

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment Roslyn – it has taken time for me to allow myself to feel and understand what it is that my body has been attempting to tell me for so long. For so long I have been so resistant and even now I still continue to resist what feels so obvious and clear once I have let go. As I allow my understanding to deepen I find there are always more layers, and rather than seeing this as a problem I am beginning to accept that there is even more grandness and wonder as I open up to the Universe and all that it reflects.

  26. Thank you Susan for shedding light on the stubborn behaviours we can hang onto at the ill of our body and being.
    There is much to take away from this article, including..
    “It felt more lovely than I would have realised to at last be seeing that I could be wrong and to not be a victim of circumstances” – this supports releasing the need to get it right and to surrender
    “I am starting to see that my stubbornness is about me holding on to the way ‘I have always done things’ and how I think life should be and that this arrogance does not serve or support me being who I truly am.” – which opens up the embrace that there is another way.
    Thank you

  27. ‘This situation allowed me to see that this is how I have lived my life – allowing others to set the ground rules, so that I could then hold on to resentment that I have not been treated properly.’ And when we see this pattern in the eyes we can let it go as it has never truly served us although we were in the illusion it did. To me an important part of the stubbornness is the ‘doing it on my own’ and at the same time living with resentment because ‘I am left alone’, I always found this very interesting to feel in myself, creating this situation and wanting attention as I was the victim, so waiting for someone to come to me not realising I did not let anyone in.

  28. Great blog Susan, taking time to make ourselves comfortable for an examination is very important, and I loved how you chose to change your interaction with the procedure as you had to go for a colonoscopy and through choosing to do that everyone became very supportive, and the procedure went well.

  29. Great to expose this, which is quite common amongst women Susan – giving our power away to others who are authority figures who must know what is best for us (ouch). How important it is to be clear in our expression and re-claim our re-connection with our body and let it speak of what is acceptable or not”.
    “I came away with a clear understanding of how easily I complied with other people’s suggestions and did not say what felt comfortable for me and what did not”.

  30. A beautiful understanding of how our body reflects to us how we have been living. We just have to take our head out of the clouds and listen to the wisdom of our body.

  31. I now feel inspired by what is another’s way of life, it may be different from mine, but knowing there are so many different ways allows me to feel a deeper connection with everyone.

  32. To match symptoms in our bodies to the life we lead is a great piece of communication. Our bodies are constantly sending us messages and when we don’t listen, the messages get stronger. How great that you were able to surrender to the medical examination processes and enjoy developing this intimate relationship with your body, Susan.

  33. wow, to consider that even writing the blog was a healing, we just miss so much of what supports us in life! The way we approach others definitely affects the way they interact with us. I have experienced this time and time again – my own little experiment. I would love to say it is others, and in fact they have their own stuff they may be dealing with, but how I respond to my stuff or their stuff determines how the interaction or the connection will go. Thank you for sharing your experience and giving us the opportunity to clear a little more out of our bodies as well.

    1. I agree Lucy – we do miss so much when we stubbornly hang on to old ways and allow no space for letting go. I am sometimes still surprised how when I let go, something I have been stubbornly hanging on to releases – whether it be in my body or with life in general. Because of my old patterns it still can take a little while for the penny to drop but I so appreciate the lesson that I am gradually learning, and with that I can feel more of the natural flow that is life lived in synchronicity with the Universe.

  34. I can relate Susan. What I found especially interesting is how when you went there the second time you were greeted in another way and you were also meeting them in a different way. Made me wonder if there is a correlation. When we meet others openly and welcoming they are also given room and space to greet us in that space. What you give is what you get sort of reasoning. Thanks for sharing Susan.

  35. What an amazing and honest blog thank you for writing it Susan so that we can all learn from your experience of life and exactly what effects holding onto to stubbornness can have on our bodies.

  36. It is truly magical that when we allow ourselves to feel something as you did with the stubbornness our body instantly responds to confirm this. And it is lovely to read how with your willingness to heal this changed everything including your relationship with yourself and with others.

  37. Beautiful to feel how as you let go of your stubbornness the support is there for you. As soon as we have the willingness to change we are supported in our new approach.

  38. Who would have thought that constipation is holding on and refusing stubbornly to let go of how we want the world to be, and hold it to our pictures. This is a great example of where conventional medicine could enhance its treatments by taking a closer look at the ways in which people interact with life – do they struggle or let it out with ease.

    1. And yet it all makes sense as I was always aware of the contraction that I could feel when my body was not letting go and flowing – I just didn’t choose to see that I was responsible for whether life was a struggle. It is now beautiful to feel the ease that is now developing as I learn to accept support gracefully and let go of the need to struggle on my own.

  39. It’s ever so interesting to understand the extent to which we normalise conditions – and behaviours – which are less than healthy. Yes, there is a lot to learn from the body, that marvellous vessel that reflects to us all that we are and have ever been – the good, the bad and the ugly.

  40. Another priceless understanding of how esoteric medicine brings us to a deeper understanding of the behaviours supporting the root cause of our ills. How often do we brush off a simple niggle or pain as the way I was walking, rushing or not concentrating – not taking into account how we have been living the whole day or the last month? The body is an incredible marker in showing us what is not true and how the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine on Esoteric Medicine shows us that there is another way of not band aiding but truly healing the wounds.

  41. A great reminder to listen to my body too Susan. I know that I can be stubborn, thinking that I can deal with something myself and then eating humble pie and asking for some help! There is such a relief in letting go!

    1. Yes, thank you Roslyn – I definitely needed to be reminded to ‘let go’ as I go to a deeper level of understanding of what letting go truly means. As we go around in cycles we can feel how each time there is a new level of awareness and a greater unfolding of all that we have not been. We have certainly ‘weaved a tangled’ web by deviously dodging this way and that to avoid being our true selves and embracing ourselves fully. As you say ‘There is such a relief in letting go!’.

  42. It is interesting how we can have an experience with one person and then someone else can come along and have a totally different experience with that same person – it makes sense that people reflect back to us our own stubborn ways, and that we are providing the energy for this exchange to take place. The saying we reap what we sow comes to mind.

  43. “This feels to be much the same as my colon holding on to all the rubbish from my body rather than letting it go and allowing my body to flow” Yes it is a great reflection. Stubbornness is holding onto ways of living we have noticed are not supportive for us, thus ‘rubbish’, and will create dis-ease literally and figuratively speaking in our everyday life. And this is also a big form of controlling our life – for it might just get too amazing if we let go.

  44. I used to wear stubborness like a badge of honour – it once felt cool to dig my heels in and be quite awkward. I can now appreciate how much I have changed and how if stubborness ever tries to get a hold it is easy to spot – my jaw sets hard, my cranial plates harden, my body tenses and I close myself off to further communication. Not really cool after all!

  45. Boy stubbornness is definitely a trait of control for us all to ponder on. There is so much that has been shared in this blog in how our willingness to not be seen as fragile and being more honest with each other is considered taboo or thinking another to be ‘weak’. The power in this blog is the longterm harm this does to the body when we choose not to let go of the ways of thinking and living that are harming. Thank you Serge Benhayon for sharing the truth for the world to read from a student of “The Way of the Livingness”.

  46. Sometimes when I feel tired and looking pale I want to pretend that I’m ok and that there’s nothing wrong with me because I am a student of The Way of the Livingness! I don’t want to be transparent because I should know better than to push myself and feel exhaustion the next day yet I am learning, a student and there’s no such thing as perfection. It’s interesting how we can place expectations on ourselves; how we should be in the world instead of being honest, transparent, taking responsibility and allowing life to unfold.

    1. Yes Caroline – and it takes such an effort when I try to fool the world – and yet no one is fooled! Everyone can read that I am not being true to how I feel and this causes a separation both to myself and to those around me. Although I realise that perfection is not possible I can still become caught up in that illusion when I feel tired – and as you say it’s interesting how we can place expectations on ourselves of how we should be, when all the time God puts no such pre-condition before loving us.

    2. I love what you say Caroline as it rang true with me – that I also can feel at times that I have all the answers and don’t want to face the way I push myself through what at times feel like a ‘pain barrier’. As you say ‘there’s no such thing as perfection’ and the more accepting of this I become less hard on myself and to begin to realise that I am slowly changing and beginning to unfold to a greater depth of understanding.

  47. Such an awesome blog, thank you Susan. No bum steer here, if you’ll excuse the pun! Seriously, the way you described the examination itself was particularly beautiful – there was such an allowing, rather than a holding out, as in holding everything separate, which turned it into a wonderful process for you (and by extension us). And the same goes for your people journey, and different approach to life. Yes, perhaps allowing is the antidote to the all stubbornness we hold on to.

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