Reflections after Chemotherapy

by Fiona McGovern, Isle of Arran, Scotland

I have just finished 18 weeks of weekly chemotherapy treatments for metastatic breast cancer.  (My breast cancer story is also on this blog under “Breast Cancer: knowing what I know now I would definitely do things differently”.) For me this means four hours travelling, part by boat and part by car, and so it all takes a full day. I now have time off and time to reflect.

For these 18 weeks I have sat in a day ward full of other women receiving their treatment. As soon as one seat is vacated another woman fills it. In the oncology waiting room it can be standing room only and you may have to allow hours to be seen.

I have felt how pressured the medics, the receptionists and the nurses are. I have also felt the anxiety of families, the anger of many of the women, the fear in some, the denial, the hoping, and the coping on the surface and in some the complete self-pitying and identification with the illness. I also sense in some there’s the attitude that life begins after chemo…. that we can get back to how things were before cancer and chemo….. 

I have learnt so much.

For me, life will not return to how it was.

With the support of Universal Medicine I have chosen another way to be, a natural way, a deeply nurturing and self-honouring way – one where I am committed to life here and now, including the chemotherapy.  So I am me when I wait to see the oncologist and when the nurse administers the medication, and as I am me, I feel the presence of love between myself and the oncologist, the nurse, the receptionist and the other patients.

I see each treatment as a date with divinity, where I have learnt to lovingly accept what the tumour and the medicine are doing to heal the lovelessness that was in my body.  It seems to say to me “Fiona, keep going, accept nothing less than true love”.  From believing Western Medicine had no role to play in healing, I have now learnt how essential it is if used alongside the esoteric, not as a way to numb out or not take responsibility for the choices I made, but as a true support for me to truly heal. From feeling a failure for having a tumour, I now see how much I am learning and enriching my life when I embrace it as divinity at work.

I now can feel the beauty of the support Western Medicine gives me to clear the ill energy I allowed in because I was afraid to express the true me. I have been blessed by the doctors I have met. They have been amazing in their support for this healing. I have also learnt to let people in without taking on board their stuff or trying to rescue them, which in itself is a miracle.  Also I am able to truly listen to those with and around me and to accept their choices and to offer them a different reflection by expressing with and from love. Having the tumour has slowed me down, made me say no to others and yes to me, made my relationships more fun, given me time to explore sides of my expression I had never made time for. It has cleared the arrogance of beliefs and ideals I held about health and healing and allowed me to find my own natural rhythm through life. It has reconnected me to me as a woman and a self-nurturing way of life. It has shown me how many emotions I had chosen to hold on to and how damaging that was and so much more – I am constantly learning.

So that’s why I smile when I have the chemotherapy and the other women comment –  “after six years you still smile, how inspiring.”

The latest scan shows all the lesions in the liver, lungs, axillary nodes, breast and chest wall are reducing and the bones are healing. The wound on the breast is dry now and almost healed over. The oncologist’s comment was two wows!  He felt I responded so well because of the deep care I take of myself and my body and because I had no other illnesses to complicate the picture.

For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.

What has made this change possible is having the support to be me, the true me. That support has come from Serge Benhayon and all the practitioners at Universal Medicine whom I have chosen to work with, allowing me to make true choices, and also the amazing support of the doctors and nurses.

During this latest chemotherapy I had a ritual of walking in nature, often by the shore and was inspired to draw this. For me, these walks are a way to feel the joy of simply living and a reminder that although sometimes life is not easy, the truth is always simple, beauty-full and there is always stillness if we choose to feel it. Nature reflects that for me.
During this latest chemotherapy I had a ritual of walking in nature, often by the shore and was inspired to draw this. For me, these walks are a way to feel the joy of simply living and a reminder that although sometimes life is not easy, the truth is always simple, beauty-full and there is always stillness if we choose to feel it. Nature reflects that for me.

407 thoughts on “Reflections after Chemotherapy

  1. I have a family member who is waiting for the result of the x rays she has recently had and she told me that if she has to have any treatment for breast cancer she will accept the conventional treatments along side the treatments also offered by Universal Medicine. She made this decision because 8 years ago she went to see a Universal Medicine practitioner and was blown away by how she felt afterwards, so that every year she comes to the UK for a few weeks just so she can have what she calls this time with herself. She knows that the health she has today is because she went to see the Universal Medicine practitioner all those years ago. (Written with the permission of my sister)

  2. You have shared so much gold here for all. Including how, absolutely, western medicine is essential and super supportive however the true healing unfolds when we are willing to, alongside this, look at the energetic reasons of why we had the illness or dis-ease in the first place. How did we live, what were our choices and with this of course forever holding that we innately are Love and are returning to Love. This is simplicity and debases all that is not.

  3. ‘From feeling a failure for having a tumour, I now see how much I am learning and enriching my life when I embrace it as divinity at work.’ What a journey through your learning Fiona. The inspiration you have left behind you is immeasurable. Thank you so much for sharing that learning.

  4. What an inspiring blog to read thank you so much Fiona for sharing with us all.
    You have clearly stated that you let in an ill energy that was then had a very detrimental effect on your body but with more understanding of how energy flows and its effect on our bodies, the negative impact it can have just through a lack of expressing the truth of who we are.

  5. Through reading Fiona’s story I got to feel the everlastingness of love because even though the account was written several years ago now, the feeling of love was tangible and completely untainted by time.

  6. Fiona the word that you drew on the stone ‘simplicity’ was one of the qualities that came across whilst reading your story. The two other words that really stood out were ‘love’ and ‘stillness’. Love, stillness and simplicity, a truly divine combination.

  7. Fiona, it was inspiring to read your experience of chemotherapy. What you felt about what other people were going through pretty much describes most people’s reaction to any bad or sad news.

    Life changes when news is given to us, and for you, it was an opportunity to review and you took the road that brought you to the forefront of your own health and wellbeing. Just reading your sharing I can feel, no blame, shame or anger, you simply made the choice, and you literally went with it. It’s not the end product, it’s about discovering the real, true you.

  8. “For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything” So beautiful this is what true healing is about – simplicity.

  9. Seeing chemotherapy appointments as ‘dates with divinity’ is certainly not how most people view chemotherapy treatment and embracing the healing opportunity offered by cancer is a powerful and much needed reflection that Fiona offers humanity and shares with us so lovingly in her writing which lives on after her passing.

    1. Helen, you’re spot on, chemotherapy appointments as ’dates with divinity’ is seldom seen as this.

      I have walked passed cancer therapy departments and you can feel the doom and gloom. And yet Fiona made an appointment with divinity, it is a gift she could see and feel.

  10. I love the way this blog conveys the message that we have a responsibility to our own health, how damaging holding onto emotions are and how we can help heal ourselves through discovering the love and beauty we truly are.

  11. Very beautiful when we stop fighting and start surrendering with a smile, and that is when we realise how constricting our previously held posture really was.

  12. “With the support of Universal Medicine I have chosen another way to be, a natural way, a deeply nurturing and self-honouring way ” I so love this, it is testament to the power and simplicity and inspiration that is Universal Medicine.
    Without Universal Medicine my life would no way be any where near as loved filled, amazing and magical and divine as it is today.

    1. Sam I agree Universal Medicine has changed the lives of thousands of people across the world, to live in the simplicity of life and yet to feel the fullness that is constantly on offer is completely different to the current way of living where everyone is stressed and anxious, this puts a huge strain on our bodies so is it any wonder we get sick.

  13. ‘Not trying to be better or fix anything’ – super inspiring to read about a different relationship with illness; one of letting go, learning and surrender, and a total acceptance of the healing that this brings.

  14. Wow what a process of surrendering and letting go through allowing what was needed and embracing what was on offer. I love the point you shared about letting people in and not taking on their stuff, such an important part of self-love. – ‘ I have also learnt to let people in without taking on board their stuff or trying to rescue them, which in itself is a miracle.’

  15. There are so many gems of wisdom in this blog, so much learning shared, it’s like a deep surrender to love and truth with every step Fiona has made. It’s highlighted for me the preciousness of life, of each moment, but we may not realise this until we have a wake up call that jolts us out of the momentum of life. This is an amazing learning “I have also learnt to let people in without taking on board their stuff or trying to rescue them, which in itself is a miracle.”

    1. Melinda Knights learning how to be in the world without taking on the problems of the world is something I’m coming to terms with, knowing that I cannot change the world I can only change myself and that comes through not beating myself up over my self perceived lack but to return inwards back to my soul and by learning to love myself so that others can feel this love and choose it for themselves or not.

  16. “WOW!!” When we get into the reality of the Love that we all are, miracles can happen and why not, are we all not here to learn how to return to the Love we all are and true healing comes from within when we reconnect to our essence, which is Love!! ‘WOW’!!!

    1. I agree Greg and the deep well pool of love that Fiona had connected to was so easy to feel, demonstrating so clearly that love is ever present, it is not dependent on either health or circumstance.

  17. “For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.” This is one of the best approach to illness I’ve ever heard, I love how you understood there was an amazing opportunity of rediscovery in your cancer and that you grabbed it with both hands rather than the normal approach, which is to just try to recover and get back to normal as quickly as possible.

    1. Thanks Meg for your comment, I realised reading how we can approach many life situations that are challenging the same way, “to just try to recover and get back to normal as quickly as possible.” This has really highlighted for me the ways in which I miss seeing the opportunities inherent in challenges, and not realising that I can advance myself in the situation and come through it with even greater parts of myself reconnected to, rather than trying to ‘get through it’ so life can return to my previous normal.

      1. Yeh totally, it’s not just illnesses that offer us an enormous opportunity to reform our lives, we can advance ourselves massively through the daily challenges of life.

    2. Yes we want to get back to normal as quickly as possible, but what is normal? What if we are living a way of life that is anything but normal?

  18. There is such a tender grace and beauty in your words Fiona and now that you have passed over the legacy they leave is pure magic and power. Your learning lives on for all of us who follow, with or without cancer, and as women how we can connect to that same grace, wisdom, beauty and gentle joy. Thank you deeply for sharing yourself in this way.

  19. Simplicity, that is what I need to reconnect with more deeply, and just allow, simply. Beautiful sharing by Fiona, I love her writing. And every encounter is a date with divinity. And yes Liane, a functional life is mundane and doesn’t do justice to who we truly are.

  20. Although life is not always easy, the truth is always simple – I like that for the truth is always right there, in our inner heart, without complications or masks, just simple, pure and ready for us to feel.

    1. Thanks Viktoria for your comment and this is very true, “Although life is not always easy, the truth is always simple”.

      1. Sometimes I look at my comments and think to myself, did I really write that? What an amazing comment haha.

  21. When we surrender to the teachings of life in its variable forms, life can never be the same. This is what you did, Fiona, and this new understanding is what you now have and offer for others like me to be inspired by. Thank you for sharing it.

  22. There is much to be said with how we ARE when we have an illness – how do we respond, how do we move, how do we heal? What is shared here is a deepening of yourself and an acceptance in the reflection offered by the illness – which is so beautiful and presents a whole new way of how we can be with healing.

  23. There has been some more irresponsibly and lazy journalism about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, using tabloid style headlines. And then reading this today, I was like, why is this not making headlines? This is what should be on the front pages of papers, inspiring people to see there is another way to be with illness and disease. Serge Benhayon has supported you to take deep care of yourself and to understand the energetics behind your illness so you can heal from within to the best that you can.

    1. Is it possible Sarah Flenley that the world isn’t ready to hear the truth that is offered by Serge Benhayon and so as in the past when we have had great teachers living amongst us we ridicule, condemn and ostracize so that we do not have to change the way we are living.

  24. ‘the truth is always simple, beauty-full and there is always stillness if we choose to feel it.’ And that’s what I feel so clearly and strongly reading this blog, the simplicity of truth and how we can be us no matter what. I feel a woman being herself living her life, not a cancer patient or defined by having or not having that cancer … I feel a woman learning who she is and how each experience expands out her understanding of that; I feel a woman inspiring those around her (and me today) by her lived way.

    1. We are not defined by our health or our illness, whether that be cancer or mental health issues, but by how we move through life as a result of the choices we make and Fiona continues to inspire with her embracing of the situation she found herself in and the loving understanding she approached all aspects of her journey with breast cancer.

  25. A beautiful article to read on taking responsibility for our choices, and being open to seeing how our choices affect our health, and how caring deeply for ourselves allows our body space to help the healing process.

  26. An amazing testament to the fact the regardless of how ever far we have travelled away from who we are in essence, living in a loveless ill momentum in the various ways we have chosen, what always remains true and untouched is the light of our Soul waiting for us to return to be moved by its love.

    1. What you have said is very beautiful Carola, to me what you are saying is that contrary to the lies we have been fed is that God doesn’t judge us, the love that is the universe is always there whenever we decide to reconnect back to the same love that we innately are.

  27. This is so humbling. We are given so many opportunities to learn yet we keep making same mistakes, getting over a ‘problem’ of every size and volume but not really looking at or let alone dealing with what lies at their core. Such is love that knows we will return, more than our human mind can compute.

  28. I have so often heard people who have experienced illness and disease say they can’t wait to get back to normal – to living life as it was again. But is it possible the way they were living was an important factor in what has unfolded in their bodies. Definitely something to reflect on deeply for all of us.

    1. Ingrid I agree with you, is it possible our bodies are giving us a stop moment to deeply consider that the way we have been living is not it. This blog that has been so lovingly written is giving everyone an opportunity to reconsider how we ‘live’ life, and is it worth illness and disease to live life so recklessly?

  29. ‘For me it’s not about the latest cure for cancer or getting back to normal life, but about discovering the beauty of me just being, not trying to be better or fix anything.’ Reading this makes me humble and I feel how I can be more appreciative of my body giving me clear signals that I don’t need to strive to get better when there is an illness but to go inside myself and deepen the relationship with myself.

  30. “He felt I responded so well because of the deep care I take of myself and my body and because I had no other illnesses to complicate the picture.” This says it all really. When we truly work together with the doctors and do our part by deeply taking care of ourselves and loving ourselves there are amazing things possible.

    1. Well said Lieke. We do currently underestimate the innate and natural power of the body heal in order to return to harmony. And so it makes sense to support it so from every angle, beginning with developing and loving and honouring relationship with our body and being alongside the support of western and the complementary to medicine modalities of Universal Medicine.

Leave a Reply to DN Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s