by Paul Moses, Newrybar, Australia
I am a very fortunate man. On a daily basis I get to meet many people through my antique shop in Newrybar, a small town in the Northern Rivers region of Australia, which has become a destination for many.
This was not the case in the recent past times; to me people were an annoyance and a frustration that I had to deal with while earning a living in retail. What an arrogance I lived in, or in truth existed in and with.
This past came to an abrupt halt when, three years ago my heart finally had enough of this very existence and started stopping, missing beats and finally fibrillating as if it was choking from holding something back and all life, vitality, drained from my body. This was truly scary. My arrogance was confronted by the fact that life could be taken away, that it was not mine as such to be misused as I had.
Lying in an emergency cardiac ward had never been my intention, however I clearly knew all my choices for 53 years had led me to this very place and those choices, whether I thought them good or bad, I had to review them all.
With the help and patience of my partner Anne Malatt, who had learnt a method of placing her hands on my kidneys, her hands were so beautiful and warm compared to my body and somehow she was able to pass on to me a life that my body lacked. This allowed me to at least lay and move around with less fibrillation, but more so it brought up some huge issues. I was becoming reliant on and loved these moments, but had abused Anne for many years in her very seeking to learn this bodywork at Universal Medicine. My body was starting to tell me a truth that my mind never did and had never allowed.
Struggling for months, I realised that life was never going to be the same. I sought help from Neil Ringe, an acupuncturist, now practising chakrapuncture whom I had known and trusted for many years. To be honest I was never sold on acupuncture, but I was on Neil. Our sessions were scary and amazing all in one; there was definite change for the better, and for the first time I started to feel the dis-ease of my body.
I learnt that I had to remain present in all that I did; this I learnt in attempting to cook. I had always enjoyed food, but even had trouble eating at this stage. I could not walk for more than 20 metres, I could not work, watch TV, read, or anything, really, without going into fibrillation. I needed a purpose, so I put a stool in the kitchen and prepared to cook for myself and family. This was easier said than done; moving around and picking up a stool or saucepan was a recipe for fibrillation and so I would flop on the stool or plain end up lying on the floor until I could collect myself and start again.
After days of this I’d had enough and I reached a point where I moved a pot and remained consciously present with me and my movement. This was something new and not easy; however what was amazing in this state was that I did not experience fibrillation.
I knew I had to go further and my body showed the way. I emailed Serge Benhayon (Anne had to write the letter for me) and asked for his advice, the person whose work I had so many issues with. Serge answered promptly as always with what was needed, as if coming from a part of me that I was still learning to listen to. He agreed to see me as Anne had offered me her appointment in two month’s time. In the meantime I had lots to work with.
I started to more and more listen to my body. With food, I had been vegetarian for 20 years and now started to eat meat. I started to feel why I ate food and what state it left my body in. The changing of sleeping patterns and going to bed at 8.30 pm was a must. And I practised a gentle breathing exercise or meditation; this I did for five to ten minutes up to four times a day. I would breathe in gently to find myself and breathe out gently to show the world myself. Within a short time breathing in my body seemed to become more expansive and my breath would go to a deeper state of awareness of me. I became aware of a deeper pulse I had behind my physical heart (this pulse I now know as my impulse). When I am consciously present with this pulse my heart lungs body and life are in the rhythm of me – my true self.
I had met Serge 12 years earlier- I did not realise what a missed opportunity at the time. On meeting Serge 12 years later all I had gone through seemed a blessing and it was. We talked of loving oneself, of being one self and the fact that in essence we are all love. He passed on an inspiration of a way of life that I now live with.
I now walk in my impulse and live in love. I still have times when I am confronted with issues and revert to old habits, but always choose to return to that which I now know I am: love.
During a day I meet and work with the most amazing people, the same people that not long ago annoyed and frustrated me.
Each week I have people come to me and ask what I have done. They say I have changed so much and that I am an inspiration for them. I was inspired to be; now I inspire to be.
Medicine and Serge Benhayon 
What a transformation Paul. The statement that bought me to attention, ‘I moved a pot and remained consciously present with me and my movement’. This takes “effort’ without making it painful or a struggle. How many times in our lives do we spend doing things and we are not consciously present? It’s like snapping a finger, and the moment is gone, with no recollection of doing or being there.
The body doesn’t signal for the sake of signalling, it is a living, breathing, communicating body, listening to it and responding to it, is what it asks of us. Respond to that, that what is within us, before responding to someone else.
“I would breathe in gently to find myself and breathe out gently to show the world myself.” A beautiful sharing of the love that you are.
When we love ourselves we love people. When we are hurt ourselves then we hurt or blame other people for hurting us. Simple.
Leigh, spot on statement!..Loving ourselves, makes a massive difference to loving others. I’ve experimented with this and boy oh boy, what a difference does it make to my own life.
This hurt stays with us and we always make it about others, when the reflection is to look at it within us – what an offering to heal and love more people.
Crazy how we can let ourselves reach a state of critical health before we are willing to even consider that there may be another way to live, and that our past choices were the very reason that we ended up sick in the first place. Very inspiring to read your blog again Paul.
“I now walk in my impulse and live in love. I still have times when I am confronted with issues and revert to old habits, but always choose to return to that which I now know I am: love.” Beautiful Paul, even when we drop into old habits we know that there is a different more loving choice to make.
And it is in that stop moment we have a choice; to listen to what our body is saying or ignore it, although eventually what it is saying will no longer be able to be ignored. We can’t hide from the truth forever, and our body will make sure of that in one way, or another.
When we have gone through a life experience such as yours Paul, I feel we have a responsibility to then share our lived experience with others. But sometimes it doesn’t need words to do so, just the living of the wonderful changes we have made and then it will be in the way we live that we inspire those who are ready to be inspired
Such a beautiful letter. Thank you Paul. There’s so much in this. “I was never sold on acupuncture, but I was on Neil” – this is just so beautiful and tells us that everything really is about relationship and that is where we will be ultimately coming back to.
‘I was inspired to be; now I inspire to be’ and what a truly amazing reflection you are for all. We can get so caught up in the ‘doing’ of life and lose sight of the purpose of why we are here to come back to love. Thank you for sharing your hugely relatable journey which no doubt continues to unfold.
Paul what you show is that we might think we can get away with being annoyed and frustrated but our body feels it and eventually has to show us in a loving way that we can not continue to live in a way that is not loving or caring .
‘I would breathe in gently to find myself and breathe out gently to show the world myself.’ You have built yourself an amazing foundation to live with and from, truly inspiring to re read!
I love the complete u-turn you made and the tender steps you made towards committing to love. It’s completely inspiring, the commitment you had to rebuilding your life on a true foundation.
Paul this is so lovely to read, I could have read for hours, I hope you will consider writing a book. I feel many people could relate to your life before committing to love and be inspired (as they are now) to your life at present committed to love. There was a line that deeply moved me “Serge answered promptly as always with what was needed, as if coming from a part of me that I was still learning to listen to.” How beautiful, it speaks of the equality, wisdom and love that Serge lives and that we are all returning to, thank you Paul.
Yes the humility and responsibility that Serge lives with every day is truly inspirational but also so possible for us to live if we chose to listen to our bodies and drop any pictures we have about how life should be.
It’s a beautiful experience to live with this kind of responsivity to our bodies – it really changes the way we experience life and what we choose.
Paul you are a walking testament to the wisdom of living our life in a way that bring a deepening of the Love we all are.
What a love letter!
Beautiful to feel the changes that you have made to your life, and a great example of how when we choose to make one change it changes everything.